kathyw
09-12-2005, 04:06 PM
Do you think birth order plays a role in personality?
When it comes to the baby of the family, some stereotypes hold true
BY HELAINE R. WILLIAMS ARKANSAS DEMOCRAT-GAZETTE
Lily is the next to the youngest in a blended family of five children and, for as long as she can remember, her baby sister has gotten whatever she wanted. "After I moved away from home, I can remember calling home and she would tell me something she had done or is going to do," says Lily, 31, who asked that her real name not be used. "All I could do is sit there with my mouth open — because had I even asked to do such things, I would have been grounded for life."
The women’s father excuses his indulgence of his youngest, Lily says, by contending that "‘times are different now than they were when you were that age.’" "Now mind you, there is only six years’ difference between us," Lily says, " ... Now I just smile and shake my head that after five kids, my parents still haven’t caught on to [my sister’s] game."
Countless siblings feel like Lily does about the youngest child. The baby of the family is typically seen as the happy-go-lucky one who gets to be the center of attention, gets spoiled rotten, gets out of doing all the hard stuff because he’s so cute... and is never taken seriously by the rest of the family.
Many experts say that where a child places in the birth order can have an effect on how he sees himself. A child’s place in the family lineup not only can fuel sibling rivalry, but may also go on to affect such things as personality, adult relationships, career and marriage choices. In spite of the advantages they enjoy, experts say, youngest children may later pay for those advantages via such adult traits as stunted emotional development, lagging maturity and an inability to finish what they start.
Are these just stereotypes?
No, according to Kevin Leman, a psychologist, radio/television personality and author of The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are (Revell, $14.99).
It’s a given that different children from the same family — or, as he puts it, different cubs from the same den — can have very different personalities, Leman says.
"Statistically," he says, "our first-born cub has the higher probability of becoming an astronaut, college professor or English teacher." First-borns, in fact, tend to be the leaders — the governors, the senators, the presidents, the mayors.
In contrast, "that youngest cub is most likely to be the comedian in the family." Throw a dart at a board containing comedian names, Leman says, and chances are that dart will hit the name of a youngest child: Billy Crystal, Eddie Murphy, Drew Carey, Jim Carrey, Martin Short, Chevy Chase, Whoopi Goldberg, Ellen DeGeneres and Jon Stewart, for instance.
Dr. Jill Fussell, an assistant professor with University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences pediatrics department, has also noticed a pattern of behavior in babies of the family.
Fussell, who practices developmental and behavioral pediatrics at Arkansas Children’s Hospital’s James L. Dennis Developmental Center, routinely asks parents about their children’s birth order. She believes it does have some effect on children’s development — but that it does so in conjunction with other factors, such as the spacing of the children; how many children there are in all; the parents’ marital status; etc.
"It’s an influence just like other family structures serve as an influence," she says.
Some common "youngest child" traits and treatment, according to books, experts and Web sites devoted to the subject :
They are the children who get their own way. Of the youngest children Fussell sees specifically for a behavioral problem, "Younger kids can tend to be stereotypically a bit more spoiled, catered to, getting their way" because parents had relaxed their standards of discipline by the time these children are born.
Lily would certainly agree. Although she loves her sister, she describes her as an adult "spoiled brat."
They find themselves parented by everyone else in the family. When several children in a family do something wrong together and are caught, parents often feel that "it’s the oldest’s fault for not keeping an eye out, or for leaving a bad example," Lily says.
Jessie, 40 (who asked that her real name not be used), is the youngest of two; her brother is five years older. Her brother and father "feel like they need to take care of me all the time because I’m the baby," says Jessie, chief financial officer for a large nonprofit organization. "They always tend to think of me as being younger than what I already am." She wonders, however, if such treatment is because she’s a woman, meaning her father and brother may simply be acting on protective feelings.
They are not taken seriously. Leman, the youngest of his siblings, speaks from personal experience: "We get discounted." Family members say, "‘Oh, don’t pay attention to him.... He doesn’t know anything.’"
"It took a while for my dad to take me seriously," Jessie says. "Now he does, and we have mature conversations, and he asks me for my advice." But that didn’t happen until she hit her 30s... about the time her father finally stopped asking her if she had changed the oil in her car. Her brother, on the other hand, began thinking of her "on more equal terms" when she turned 18.
They often feel they can’t measure up to their siblings. His sister, Leman recalls, was the "perfect" one in the family; his brother was the quarterback of the football team. "I bought into the lie that those successful roles in our family were filled," he says, adding that he graduated in the bottom fourth of his high-school class. However, he points out, youngest children tend to be late-bloomers.
Because parents are no longer as excited about having a child, youngest children may be the least photographed or videotaped. They may lack praise from parents during first-time events or accomplishments and, therefore, crave the spotlight. They often serve as the family’s built-in entertainment — which is why so many of them turn to comedy.
They are manipulative. "Within the family, they often become skilled politicians, learning to get through negotiation what they can’t win by force," writes Dr. Robert Needham in "Youngest Children: The Perks and Perils of Being the ‘Baby,’" an article on www.drspock.com. "They may become the resident peacekeepers — but they’re also perfectly capable of stirring up trouble when it serves their purposes, teaming up with one sibling or another."
Also, Needham writes, "Many last-borns capitalize on their position as smallest and weakest by elevating helplessness to a high art. They learn that they don’t have to do housework, for example, if they can get others to do it for them."
They are outgoing — "never met a stranger," Leman says. Babies of the family often go for people-oriented careers, such as sales.
Other traits associated with youngest children: They are rule-breakers ; creative; good at motivating others — and, of course, are always considered "the baby."
Often, however, babies of the family are in for a rude awakening once they leave the family parameters. In school, for example, stereotypically spoiled youngest children "who’ve worked the family" find themselves subject to teachers who generally treat all students the same, Fussell says. "That’s where some of those kids will have problems" — they find that behavior their parents may have excused is now grounds for discipline.
And as adults, Needham writes, youngest children may find it hard to keep track of commitments or finish anything they’ve started.
But the script can be, and often is, flipped, say the experts.
MORE THAN ONE BABY
"In any family you can have more than one firstborn personality, and you can certainly have more than one baby — for instance, there can be one of each sex," Leman says. "So it’s not as cut and dried as you think." If there’s a considerable age gap between the youngest child and the next-to-the-youngest, the youngest child may function more like a first-born or only child, he adds.
Some parents may actually put pressure on the youngest to be an achiever because they see the child as "their last chance to do everything right," Needham says. Some youngest children "refuse to accept the helpless label. Instead, like determined terriers, they grab hold of a position and just hang on. The years of sticking up for themselves against the might of their older siblings prepare these children for careers as successful advocates, often championing the cause of — appropriately enough — the underdog."
So how best to rear a youngest child?
Parental treatment, Fussell says, should occur "on a different scale... anticipating the youngest child would be an active member of the family, not just entertainment...." She counsels parents to have similar expectations for all their children, and to steer their youngest children toward sharing responsibilities in the household — give the child chores, for instance. Youngest children are more likely to be taken seriously when they do something productive.
It’s also important to let the child take part in family decision-making processes "because they’re so rarely in charge," Fussell says. For instance, the children, including the youngest, can take turns choosing what the family eats for dinner on a given day.
Perhaps this birth-order stuff doesn’t matter in the long run. "True... everybody is so different and no one can predict how a child will turn out," Leman says.
But, he adds, "Look at the general masses and it’s uncanny how these things
When it comes to the baby of the family, some stereotypes hold true
BY HELAINE R. WILLIAMS ARKANSAS DEMOCRAT-GAZETTE
Lily is the next to the youngest in a blended family of five children and, for as long as she can remember, her baby sister has gotten whatever she wanted. "After I moved away from home, I can remember calling home and she would tell me something she had done or is going to do," says Lily, 31, who asked that her real name not be used. "All I could do is sit there with my mouth open — because had I even asked to do such things, I would have been grounded for life."
The women’s father excuses his indulgence of his youngest, Lily says, by contending that "‘times are different now than they were when you were that age.’" "Now mind you, there is only six years’ difference between us," Lily says, " ... Now I just smile and shake my head that after five kids, my parents still haven’t caught on to [my sister’s] game."
Countless siblings feel like Lily does about the youngest child. The baby of the family is typically seen as the happy-go-lucky one who gets to be the center of attention, gets spoiled rotten, gets out of doing all the hard stuff because he’s so cute... and is never taken seriously by the rest of the family.
Many experts say that where a child places in the birth order can have an effect on how he sees himself. A child’s place in the family lineup not only can fuel sibling rivalry, but may also go on to affect such things as personality, adult relationships, career and marriage choices. In spite of the advantages they enjoy, experts say, youngest children may later pay for those advantages via such adult traits as stunted emotional development, lagging maturity and an inability to finish what they start.
Are these just stereotypes?
No, according to Kevin Leman, a psychologist, radio/television personality and author of The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are (Revell, $14.99).
It’s a given that different children from the same family — or, as he puts it, different cubs from the same den — can have very different personalities, Leman says.
"Statistically," he says, "our first-born cub has the higher probability of becoming an astronaut, college professor or English teacher." First-borns, in fact, tend to be the leaders — the governors, the senators, the presidents, the mayors.
In contrast, "that youngest cub is most likely to be the comedian in the family." Throw a dart at a board containing comedian names, Leman says, and chances are that dart will hit the name of a youngest child: Billy Crystal, Eddie Murphy, Drew Carey, Jim Carrey, Martin Short, Chevy Chase, Whoopi Goldberg, Ellen DeGeneres and Jon Stewart, for instance.
Dr. Jill Fussell, an assistant professor with University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences pediatrics department, has also noticed a pattern of behavior in babies of the family.
Fussell, who practices developmental and behavioral pediatrics at Arkansas Children’s Hospital’s James L. Dennis Developmental Center, routinely asks parents about their children’s birth order. She believes it does have some effect on children’s development — but that it does so in conjunction with other factors, such as the spacing of the children; how many children there are in all; the parents’ marital status; etc.
"It’s an influence just like other family structures serve as an influence," she says.
Some common "youngest child" traits and treatment, according to books, experts and Web sites devoted to the subject :
They are the children who get their own way. Of the youngest children Fussell sees specifically for a behavioral problem, "Younger kids can tend to be stereotypically a bit more spoiled, catered to, getting their way" because parents had relaxed their standards of discipline by the time these children are born.
Lily would certainly agree. Although she loves her sister, she describes her as an adult "spoiled brat."
They find themselves parented by everyone else in the family. When several children in a family do something wrong together and are caught, parents often feel that "it’s the oldest’s fault for not keeping an eye out, or for leaving a bad example," Lily says.
Jessie, 40 (who asked that her real name not be used), is the youngest of two; her brother is five years older. Her brother and father "feel like they need to take care of me all the time because I’m the baby," says Jessie, chief financial officer for a large nonprofit organization. "They always tend to think of me as being younger than what I already am." She wonders, however, if such treatment is because she’s a woman, meaning her father and brother may simply be acting on protective feelings.
They are not taken seriously. Leman, the youngest of his siblings, speaks from personal experience: "We get discounted." Family members say, "‘Oh, don’t pay attention to him.... He doesn’t know anything.’"
"It took a while for my dad to take me seriously," Jessie says. "Now he does, and we have mature conversations, and he asks me for my advice." But that didn’t happen until she hit her 30s... about the time her father finally stopped asking her if she had changed the oil in her car. Her brother, on the other hand, began thinking of her "on more equal terms" when she turned 18.
They often feel they can’t measure up to their siblings. His sister, Leman recalls, was the "perfect" one in the family; his brother was the quarterback of the football team. "I bought into the lie that those successful roles in our family were filled," he says, adding that he graduated in the bottom fourth of his high-school class. However, he points out, youngest children tend to be late-bloomers.
Because parents are no longer as excited about having a child, youngest children may be the least photographed or videotaped. They may lack praise from parents during first-time events or accomplishments and, therefore, crave the spotlight. They often serve as the family’s built-in entertainment — which is why so many of them turn to comedy.
They are manipulative. "Within the family, they often become skilled politicians, learning to get through negotiation what they can’t win by force," writes Dr. Robert Needham in "Youngest Children: The Perks and Perils of Being the ‘Baby,’" an article on www.drspock.com. "They may become the resident peacekeepers — but they’re also perfectly capable of stirring up trouble when it serves their purposes, teaming up with one sibling or another."
Also, Needham writes, "Many last-borns capitalize on their position as smallest and weakest by elevating helplessness to a high art. They learn that they don’t have to do housework, for example, if they can get others to do it for them."
They are outgoing — "never met a stranger," Leman says. Babies of the family often go for people-oriented careers, such as sales.
Other traits associated with youngest children: They are rule-breakers ; creative; good at motivating others — and, of course, are always considered "the baby."
Often, however, babies of the family are in for a rude awakening once they leave the family parameters. In school, for example, stereotypically spoiled youngest children "who’ve worked the family" find themselves subject to teachers who generally treat all students the same, Fussell says. "That’s where some of those kids will have problems" — they find that behavior their parents may have excused is now grounds for discipline.
And as adults, Needham writes, youngest children may find it hard to keep track of commitments or finish anything they’ve started.
But the script can be, and often is, flipped, say the experts.
MORE THAN ONE BABY
"In any family you can have more than one firstborn personality, and you can certainly have more than one baby — for instance, there can be one of each sex," Leman says. "So it’s not as cut and dried as you think." If there’s a considerable age gap between the youngest child and the next-to-the-youngest, the youngest child may function more like a first-born or only child, he adds.
Some parents may actually put pressure on the youngest to be an achiever because they see the child as "their last chance to do everything right," Needham says. Some youngest children "refuse to accept the helpless label. Instead, like determined terriers, they grab hold of a position and just hang on. The years of sticking up for themselves against the might of their older siblings prepare these children for careers as successful advocates, often championing the cause of — appropriately enough — the underdog."
So how best to rear a youngest child?
Parental treatment, Fussell says, should occur "on a different scale... anticipating the youngest child would be an active member of the family, not just entertainment...." She counsels parents to have similar expectations for all their children, and to steer their youngest children toward sharing responsibilities in the household — give the child chores, for instance. Youngest children are more likely to be taken seriously when they do something productive.
It’s also important to let the child take part in family decision-making processes "because they’re so rarely in charge," Fussell says. For instance, the children, including the youngest, can take turns choosing what the family eats for dinner on a given day.
Perhaps this birth-order stuff doesn’t matter in the long run. "True... everybody is so different and no one can predict how a child will turn out," Leman says.
But, he adds, "Look at the general masses and it’s uncanny how these things