step-parent/vent

any here? i have a 4 year old son named Elijah. he was diagnosed with Autism shortly after turning one. i have been mother and father to him since he was born, his bio father same age as me left during my 3rd trimester.

after he left i was devastated not sure where to turn, and then i met Ron- he became someone i could confide in, lean on if you will.. well 3.5 yrs later we're officially a couple! didnt see that coming lol..

I guess for me i have always had control over the parenting role, and having to step in as mom and dad it will be different to have another adult figure in the household. I'm just worried Ron wont be able to handle being "Step- Dad" i just want to keep the peace when that time does come. we have had this discussion before, i always give him information about my sons disorder and says he can handle it, but im not quite sure he really IS ready. he has no children of his own, but plenty of experience with other children/family members mostly. I always hear this stories of the evil step parent, i just we can find a balance somewhere

any here? i have a 4 year old son named Elijah. he was diagnosed with Autism shortly after turning one. i have been mother and father to him since he was born, his bio father same age as me left during my 3rd trimester.

after he left i was devastated not sure where to turn, and then i met Ron- he became someone i could confide in, lean on if you will.. well 3.5 yrs later we're officially a couple! didnt see that coming lol..

I guess for me i have always had control over the parenting role, and having to step in as mom and dad it will be different to have another adult figure in the household. I'm just worried Ron wont be able to handle being "Step- Dad" i just want to keep the peace when that time does come. we have had this discussion before, i always give him information about my sons disorder and says he can handle it, but im not quite sure he really IS ready. he has no children of his own, but plenty of experience with other children/family members mostly. I always hear this stories of the evil step parent, i just we can find a balance somewhere

Why do you think there will be a problem? He currently spends time with both you and your son now, right? Is there a particular reason why you think he can't handle being a parent?

BTW, being a parent to any kid is difficult, whether your own kid or somebody else's (I have a stepson and three sons of my own). Your situation with a child who has autism means that he has to learn to be both a parent and a caregiver for a child with autism. I'm not exactly sure what you expect of him or what you're afraid of but if he's willing to be involved with you and your child then that is a positive beginning to a family relationship.

:eek: I knew there was something I totally dug about you, txcaramel. An instinct kind of thing. My almost 10 year old is an Aspie. (Asperger's Syndrome). He's had his "bad" step-Dad (and I shoulda seen that one coming) and he's got his GOOD quasi-step-dad (Litical) and you know what? If you've known your man 3.5 years, I think YOU can make a good guesstimate on what kind of step-dad figure he's going to be.

Is he patient and tolerant of your SON? Does he understand when you need to do things with him and accept that he can't have your attention right then and there? Does he respect the things you HAVE to do to ensure your child is safe and comfortable? (I don't know what treatments you do... do you do any of the snesory dysfunction therapies, like brushing the skin for tactile regulation, O/T and SLP and that kind of stuff?)

Also, are you a member of any good online autism groups? Cuz, I know yahoo has one, I could probably send you a link to. PM me when you get a moment, if you're so inclined.

~phos

Why do you think there will be a problem?.

LDR, hasnt spent alot of time with him.

Is there a particular reason why you think he can't handle being a parent?

he doesnt have alot of experience with children, let alone live with them on 24/7 basis, i know i should have faith in him,but i am a little worried.

BTW, being a parent to any kid is difficult,.

I agree with you there, but i believe its alot more difficult to parent a child with a disability, having to attend 4 different therapy programs, constant dr appts to see neurology experts,annual evaluations,meeting with special ed teachers,psychologists, dealing with violent behavior,self stimulation,limited verbal communication, and the list goes on. I just wish he could live a day in my life to see what it can be like. to him its a piece of cake lol.

I'm not exactly sure what you expect of him or what you're afraid of but if he's willing to be involved with you and your child then that is a positive beginning to a family relationship.

well i expect him to be there,be involved, take interest in my sons life. i do believe he genuinely cares and i am fortunate to have found a guy that would want to deal with the chaos we may cause at times lol.. hectic schedule, before him no1 was interested in me because they couldnt handle the pressure. i guess in away im scared that once we settle in, he wont be able to handle it either.

Caramel, maybe this'll make ya feel better gal.

i was a step. @ the age of 26.
my stepdaughter was 10 when i married her father.

i was introduced to her when she was 8.

she was a 'social-retard'. don't take that in a name-calling way. she was literally socially retarded. her mother told her any milk other than chocolate milk would make her sick, any chicken other than mcdonald's chicken nuggets would make her sick....etc.

i worked, starting when she was about 9 teaching her......
how to tie her shoes
how to dress herself
how to take a bath by herself
how to do her homework by herself
how to get involved with people and make friends
how to eat anything she desired and NOT get sick

and i did it. with NO prior knowledge of children. sure i have a lil sis who's 20 years younger than me, but she and i have never lived in the same house, she's in bama, i'm in miss'ippi.

i remember my stepdaughters MOTHER leaving a msg on my answering machine that the girl child needed a bow in her hair and "you KNOW i can't do it" :rolleyes: :eek:

i was a partyier, a go here and there as long as i'm going, kinda gal. and i raised that child. better than her own parents. it is the person, i guess, not whether or not they have experience with children.

you're guy has been told the truth about baby boy. he's still with you. that says alot.

good luck gal

Tracy

:eek: I knew there was something I totally dug about you, txcaramel.

*blushing* thanks

: An instinct kind of thing. My almost 10 year old is an Aspie. (Asperger's Syndrome). He's had his "bad" step-Dad (and I shoulda seen that one coming) and he's got his GOOD quasi-step-dad (Litical) and you know what? If you've known your man 3.5 years, I think YOU can make a good guesstimate on what kind of step-dad figure he's going to become.

yeah you are right. im worrying to much, but it is a LDR he has spent some time with my son but not enough if you ask me. he usually comes down here for business and only stays for 1-2 days and we dont get to see him the entire time.
he has put up with alot from me over the years lol, so maybe he can handle it

Is he patient and tolerant of your SON? Does he understand when you need to do things with him and accept that he can't have your attention right then and there?.

the time he has spent with my son he has been very understanding, he knows my son comes 1st. sometimes he will ask about his behavior(alot of stimming)
he does want to learn and tries to get involved which isnt easy being in a LDR.


Does he respect the things you HAVE to do to ensure your child is safe and comfortable? (I don't know what treatments you do... do you do any of the snesory dysfunction therapies, like brushing the skin for tactile regulation, O/T and SLP and that kind of stuff?)

I've been doing the brushing for 2years now, and he just started the GFCF diet
he has had OT since he was one. he also gets SPEECH ABA MUSIC THERAPY the works lol... keeps us busy.

Also, are you a member of any good online autism groups? Cuz, I know yahoo has one, I could probably send you a link to. PM me when you get a moment, if you're so inclined.

Ive been apart of 3 different online groups since his diagnosis, i still venture out to some groups to see what they offer - i also tried a local support group twice a month until they moved to a different location. ill Pm You ;)

you're guy has been told the truth about baby boy. he's still with you. that says alot.

good luck gal

Tracy

thank you sooo much for sharing your story :) it takes a very special person to do what you have done for your step daughter. i should give my SO alot more credit, he has been great under the circumstances so far.

Hey, the GFCF diet can be REALLY good. There is a book I saw at Borders Books in the autism section (yes, they have one :eek: ) and its written by a 12 year old boy who has Asperger's and its all about the GFCF diet, how it has made him feel ~ the difference he's seen in his own behavior and that of his younger siblings who are also neurologically... different. I read the whole thing sitting in Borders one day... its not a BIG book, but half of it was recipes for tried and true yummy GFCF foods the kid really liked. :D

I can tell you this, in a LOT of ways ~ things get better when they get older. For me, four was THE WORST year of our lives. It was absolute HELL. Then school ~ and Whooooo was first grade awful. Luckily, I live close to my folks and am very close to them and they helped me pull him from the system which was doing him an enormous injustice.

I know every child is different, but there are a lot of things I can share with you that we've been through over the years and some rather unconventional choices we've made which have improved our overall relationship, his well-being and helped me appreciate him for the amazing, gifted and utterly DIFFERENT child he is. ;)

The short of it is.. it DOES get better. But, be very slow and careful about transitioning your LDR man into your life and your sons life. My heartfelt advice would be for you to move to the same town (or visa versa) when you're ready to begin that transition and have him slowly come to know your son and NOT move in. It's hard enough getting neurotypical children that age to accept new people in their lives, but ASD kids transition VERY poorly and understand even less. Give it LOTS and LOTS of time...

~phos

Hey, the GFCF diet can be REALLY good. There is a book I saw at Borders Books in the autism section (yes, they have one :eek: ) and its written by a 12 year old boy who has Asperger's and its all about the GFCF diet, how it has made him feel ~ the difference he's seen in his own behavior and that of his younger siblings who are also neurologically... different. I read the whole thing sitting in Borders one day... its not a BIG book, but half of it was recipes for tried and true yummy GFCF foods the kid really liked. :D

that sounds like a really interesting book, ill have to check that out sometime. do u remember the title of it.



The short of it is.. it DOES get better. But, be very slow and careful about transitioning your LDR man into your life and your sons life. My heartfelt advice would be for you to move to the same town (or visa versa) when you're ready to begin that transition and have him slowly come to know your son and NOT move in. It's hard enough getting neurotypical children that age to accept new people in their lives, but ASD kids transition VERY poorly and understand even less. Give it LOTS and LOTS of time...

if i had the option to live on my own in his area i would, actually i would prefer to instead of moving in with him right away. but being a single mother w an auti child financially i dont think i could manage on my own. im in the middle of school, working part time minimum wage, and currently living with family, who usually help me out with childcare. hopefully i can find a better job in his area-

that sounds like a really interesting book, ill have to check that out sometime. do u remember the title of it. I wish I did, but I don't. It was a thin purple book with a picture of a 12 year old British boy on the front. If you have a Borders Books, check in their austism section?

if i had the option to live on my own in his area i would, actually i would prefer to instead of moving in with him right away. but being a single mother w an auti child financially i dont think i could manage on my own. im in the middle of school, working part time minimum wage, and currently living with family, who usually help me out with childcare. hopefully i can find a better job in his area-

Well, I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but I do advise you to finish up with school and transition your man slowly into your life by all means possible. Like I said before, it will get easier with your son and he will understand a lot more as he gets older. I think jumping with him (at this point) into a living arrangement with a man he barely knows will be a very, very rough transition. I know it sucks to hear you're best off staying LDR, but really, for now, you are.

Right now, you also have a support network living with your family, and that is crucial at this point. Believe me, THEY are most likely to be of the most assistance to you during this time frame where things like O/T, SLP, P/T and DSI therapies are MOST vital. I know you don't want to put your man through a crash course in living with autism with NO support network behind you. It will make for a VERY ugly first year of being together (been there, done that, and it did NOT work out!!!)

The ideal thing would be for him to move to your area and slowly integrate himself into your childs life, rather than hope/expect you to uproot your son from the support network you presently have worked out for him.

~phos

[


I am kinda in the same situation. I have a 3-1/2 year old who was diagnosed with high functioning autism. Let me tell you before we found that out. Me and my ym would argue over my son, it was very very difficult we couldn't figure out why he wouldn't talk why he wouldn't listen, why he wouldn't sleep thru the night, he would throw temper tantrums and hurt himself and I can keep going as I am sure you know how it is. But honestly we both got to where
1. I wasn't sure I could handle having the stresses of a relationship and deal with my son
2. It really started to wear on him and he was so stressed out over it where he started to actually resent him.
It was really bad, but when we found out, it made such a difference, we have him in a full time school program and he is doing 100% better.

But I also always had control over the parenting roles. Mother & father now my boyfriend wants to be the other parent and it is so hard letting go a little. But I also I see a difference in my children from him. They listen better communicate better and he gets them motivated where I think I was really just worn down. He brings me back into focus. My boyfriend is very demanding and high maintenance LOL
But it has really has helped me in all areas of my life especially with the kids. They even call him and ask permission to do things.
We have only been together for a year but we are planning a life together so him stepping in and taking over on the father part I have surrendered to him! LOL
So my advice is to stay open and really listen to each other even though he isn't a parent by blood himself doesn't mean that his ideas aren't as good as yours (that was one of my biggest problems).









QUOTE=TxCaramel]any here? i have a 4 year old son named Elijah. he was diagnosed with Autism shortly after turning one. i have been mother and father to him since he was born, his bio father same age as me left during my 3rd trimester.

after he left i was devastated not sure where to turn, and then i met Ron- he became someone i could confide in, lean on if you will.. well 3.5 yrs later we're officially a couple! didnt see that coming lol..

I guess for me i have always had control over the parenting role, and having to step in as mom and dad it will be different to have another adult figure in the household. I'm just worried Ron wont be able to handle being "Step- Dad" i just want to keep the peace when that time does come. we have had this discussion before, i always give him information about my sons disorder and says he can handle it, but im not quite sure he really IS ready. he has no children of his own, but plenty of experience with other children/family members mostly. I always hear this stories of the evil step parent, i just we can find a balance somewhere [/QUOTE]

The ideal thing would be for him to move to your area and slowly integrate himself into your childs life, rather than hope/expect you to uproot your son from the support network you presently have worked out for him.

lol, yes that would be the ideal thing,certainly wont happen thats for sure. he just bought a new home, recently settled in after moving- no plans of leaving his job and i dont want him too. I finish school next may, so i am planning to finish here, wouldnt move now. think it would be a lot easier once i graduate to find a better job that what i have now in his area. I "hear" what you are saying and i know you mean well, but i dont want to continue with being in a LDR for much longer. August 06' is when im expecting to move. gives me a little time to visit look for a place closer to him, find a job, etc.

I am kinda in the same situation. I have a 3-1/2 year old who was diagnosed with high functioning autism. Let me tell you before we found that out. Me and my ym would argue over my son, it was very very difficult we couldn't figure out why he wouldn't talk why he wouldn't listen, why he wouldn't sleep thru the night, he would throw temper tantrums and hurt himself and I can keep going as I am sure you know how it is. But honestly we both got to where
1. I wasn't sure I could handle having the stresses of a relationship and deal with my son
2. It really started to wear on him and he was so stressed out over it where he started to actually resent him.
It was really bad, but when we found out, it made such a difference, we have him in a full time school program and he is doing 100% better.

But I also always had control over the parenting roles. Mother & father now my boyfriend wants to be the other parent and it is so hard letting go a little. But I also I see a difference in my children from him. They listen better communicate better and he gets them motivated where I think I was really just worn down. He brings me back into focus. My boyfriend is very demanding and high maintenance LOL
But it has really has helped me in all areas of my life especially with the kids. They even call him and ask permission to do things.
We have only been together for a year but we are planning a life together so him stepping in and taking over on the father part I have surrendered to him! LOL
So my advice is to stay open and really listen to each other even though he isn't a parent by blood himself doesn't mean that his ideas aren't as good as yours (that was one of my biggest problems).

thats how i feel sometimes.. its a little odd to have a guy step in when you are so used to being mom and dad. but i try to keep an open mind.

That's a great picture of you and your son, TxCaramel. ;) I know the LDR thing SUCKS and I'm glad you're going to finish with school first... if you're sure about your OM, then I will keep my fingers crossed that you can find the ideal way to integrate yourself and your son into his life and that you get a GREAT job so you can take your time doing it....

... my biggest hope for you is you don't end up going through what I went through with my ex-husband and my son. So, that's why I advise taking it slowly and feelings it out and allowing your son room to transition, AND your OM time to get use to and get to know your son. ;)

He really is adorable! Looks a lot like my sons best friend around the same age, who ~ unfortunately ~ moved to Florida. :( BIG bummer for all of us. He and my son were twins in every sense, except their skin color. LOL. (Two high functioning autistic boys with nearly IDENTICAL quirks AND allergies!! Two peas in a pod, were they... I will always, always remember him with deep fondness ~ as no one else has ever been so good to my odd little man.)

~phos

That's a great picture of you and your son, TxCaramel. ;)

Thank you =)

I know the LDR thing SUCKS and I'm glad you're going to finish with school first... if you're sure about your OM, then I will keep my fingers crossed that you can find the ideal way to integrate yourself and your son into his life and that you get a GREAT job so you can take your time doing it....

Thanks we just had a Loooong talk about this last night, and hes been great about everything, offered to help out once we moved. so hopefully everything will turn out ok.


He really is adorable! Looks a lot like my sons best friend around the same age, who ~ unfortunately ~ moved to Florida. BIG bummer for all of us. He and my son were twins in every sense, except their skin color. LOL. (Two high functioning autistic boys with nearly IDENTICAL quirks AND allergies!! Two peas in a pod, were they... I will always, always remember him with deep fondness ~ as no one else has ever been so good to my odd little man.)

i know how you feel my son just lost his bestfriend, a month ago. he transferred to a different school district. they were completely alike, both autistic. their stimming patterns,behavior,both the same age. you couldnt keep them apart- we will miss him. :(