Marriage Issue-need insight....

I'm pretty new here....so, hello to all! I lurked for a long time before I became a member because I felt like I didn't really fit in with this dynamic. My Husband is younger than I am, but I'd hardly consider it an "age gap" relationship. We're in the same generation, I suppose.

We've been married less than a year. He's a complete sweetie, but lately I've noticed what I consider a disturbing trend. I'm willing to try and fix it, but before I take on the task, I need some unbiased opinions....I think this is the perfect place, since there are so many different people here with such different views.

I have a problem in that I scream while I sleep. I don't know why I do it, but it's worse during PMS. I simply wake up screaming. I'm calling for my Husband most of the time and according to him, I always sound like I'm terrified. For the last few months of our marriage, Hubby has been supportive when this happens. I wake up from the nightmare (?) with him telling me that everything is ok in a soothing voice. Suddenly, last week, I remember crying out in my sleep and him answering me harshly.....kind of like "just GO TO SLEEP!"....I really thought I dreamed it, until I asked him about it and he said that he HAD said that....I've tried to fix my problem---I take 3 valarian root tablets before bed and they seem to help--I still wake up, but I don't scream as much...

Yesterday, after a particularly rough day at work, almost no sleep and terrible PMS, I cried over something stupid....(broken door, duh)...instead of consoling me, my Husband basically told me to stop crying like a baby....I didn't know what to make of it and truly, it made me feel much worse afterwards...

Does anyone have any advice? Am I being overly sensitive? Should I just pretend nothing happened? I've been thinking about this all day....

well, first off i guess the guy is getting pretty exhausted being startled awake, but i do understand your need for sympathy. do you remember anything prior, dreams/feelings before you scream?

you stated too worse with PMS...i would seek some medical advice about it. i'm also thinking of a wonderful book called "the wisdom of menopause". regardless of how old you are, it corrolates the issues of PMS and menopause, and our life "purpose" if you will...

i would almost venture to guess that you're waking up screaming because SOMETHING has you terrified. person, place or thing....animal, mineral, vegetable....matters not. SOMETHING has you worried to such an intense degree that when you're asleep is the only time you'll let it in, hence you wake yourself up....screaming.

i would suggest you step away from your monitor, right now, and set yourself up an appointment with a therapist. no shame in going to someone who's trained to help us get to the root of problems. i don't know what kind of work you do, but alot of employers offer counseling thru the local medical facility.

i wish the best for you. and show your guy a lil patience, i'm sure he's feeling just as frustrated as you. often times, it's harder to watch the one we love hurt, than to be the one hurting. i know i'd much rather see myself hurting than one of my children, ya follow me?

good luck, hun

Tracy

I would talk to your internist or family doctor. Sleep this disordered needs evaluation in a sleep lab. Might not be anything psychological at all but a problem with your sleep/arousal system. Some types of seizures can be associated with transitioning from wakefullness to sleep and visa versa. Sleep apnea can cause someone to gasp and startle awake. I'd have this checked out.

Sounds to me like you may have night terrors.

Here's a link with some information about symptomology...

http://www.nightterrors.org/

A licensed clinical psychologist (not a Master's level therapist) who specializes in sleep disorders would most likely be able to help you with this.

Miffy, My partner stared snoring around 5 months ago for no apparent reason, and I have found that is it is very, very hard to cope and remain patient over time without regular sleep. Some days I am exhausted and can barely function. There have been times when I've gone to work so tired that I literally fell asleep in a park during my lunch hour for the rest of the afternoon...it was really embarrassing!!

The way we cope (for now) is that I go and sleep on the couch when he snores, which is normally 1-4 times week. Sometimes he does the same, but he doesn't seem to be able toget to sleep on the couch so I am the one who normally wonds up there. Its still not ideal because usually I can still hear the snoring from the couch. I think what we'll do in the long run is move into a bigger house where there is a spare bedroom away from him so that when he snores, I can still get a good night sleep.

Don't get me wrong, I am more disappointed than you can imagine that I can't just cuddle up with my fiance each night and wake in his arms. But what else can I do other than leave him? Its pretty horrible, these kinds of problems. I hope you can find an solution to yours....all the best!

Bella, get him in for a sleep study, talk to your doctor. Snoring that loudly is a symptom of sleep apnea, which if left untreated leads to high blood pressure, and heart disease. Sleep is a pretty new medical science, and doctors are really just learning how terribly important quality sleep is for your body.

To Miffy, he's probably exhausted, it's really hard to keep being supportive when you're exhausted. If you're having night terrors, and unexplained moodiness during the day, you need to seek medical help. There is no shame in having a problem, but if you have it, and don't get help, then it's hard for a partner to keep suffering physically themselves.

I most strongly urge you to see a psychiatrist, not a counselling type, but a medical doctor, there obviously is a chemical type problem going on with you, and you need some help to get things under control, for your body, your husband's, and your relationship. Self treating with herbals is just a drop in the bucket with problems as severe as yours sound, you need the big guns.

His refusal to do anything about his snoring was a BIG factor in the build up of problems with my ex. I actually hated bedtime, knowing I was going to have a long night of torture each and every night. I set people, young people, up on CPAP machines often, for treatment of sleep apnea, and I have had a couple tell me that they were nearly ready to get divorced, as their spouses were exhausted, and they hadn't shared a room for months or years. Treatment honestly saved their marriages.

*edit, cause I haven't had enough caffiene yet.

Both you ladies need to seek help from a local sleep clinic. Miffy, the ladies have already touched on some very important things for you ~ and an evaluation can do wonders.

Bella_D, get your YM to a sleep clinic, too. My Dad had severe sleep apnea most of his life. I could hear him snore on the opposite side of a big ole 5 bedroom house and it was like a lawnmower... (Mind you, I'm a HEAVY sleeper... LOL) There are all sorts of treatments, and the medical conditions which could result from doing nothing are signficant... VERY significant.

You can also try this in the short term. One of the things my Dad did to correct the apnea is forceably train himself to NEVER sleep on his back (this had a huge impact in keeping his nasal passages clear for proper breathing). The doctor actually sewed a tennis ball into the middle of the back of his nightshirt. Anytime he flipped onto his back in his sleep, he would immediately roll back to his side. This gave INSTANT relief to the snoring. After some time using this nightshirt, he dispensed of it but never, ever sleeps on his back anymore. ;) Worth a try ~ while you're waiting to get in for an evaluation. Those symptoms mentioned? High Blood Pressure, heart disease, etc? YEP, that's part of what happened to my Dad to open him up to being willing to seek a sleep evaluation.

Good luck ladies. Sleep problems can have such a HUGE impact on our day to day lives.
~phos

The doctor actually sewed a tennis ball into the middle of the back of his nightshirt. Anytime he flipped onto his back in his sleep, he would immediately roll back to his side. This gave INSTANT relief to the snoring. After some time using this nightshirt, he dispensed of it but never, ever sleeps on his back anymore. ;)

I was going to mention that. Snoring happens, or is worse, when you sleep on your back. I remember either reading something about it, or seeing it on a tv programme, and that tennis ball idea was one of the solutions they used.

A thought about the bad day and crying. My g/f gets very moody when she has PMS. The other day I asked her if she was going to have a shower and she snapped at me about why was I going to have another one. I asked her because I wanted to turn the washing machine on but didn't want to do it whilst she was in the shower because it would affect it. If you're like that with PMS I could understand why maybe you wouldn't have got the sympathy on that occasion. When my g/f does that I get pissed off and retreat into myself, maybe your b/f got pissed off and snapped at you??? Dunno, just a thought.

Lots of good advice here, especially on getting medical help. Lack of good sleep can make both of you cranky and really magnify little problems into big ones.

In the meantime consider sleeping seperately. My young man and I have our own bedrooms, I don't sleep well because of night sweats and I wouldn't wish that on anybody, bad enough I distrub myself why make him suffer too.

lots of good advice, put the shoe on the other foot, imagine it is you dealing what he is dealing with, we are just human beings after all.

so, you are not a perfect person, no one is. but, you need to deal with these issues and realize that no husband is always 100% tolerant and understanding 24/7, you married a man not a saint.

he sounds nice, i wish you luck on dealing with your problems.

I know this is Miffy's thread, but thanks tons and tons Fos and Bella for your advice....both of you are such wonderful souls, with so much experience to share..its much appreciated. I guess I'm still hoping this will go away....but if its a condition here to stay I think we'll defiantely look at medical options. In my own head, I guess I've resolved that if we have to sleep apart sometimes, and its our only option for staying together, then I can live with that. But it would be just great if we could find a solution. Thanks for giving me a sense a hope.

I know it's been said, but... please DO go see a clinical medical psychiatrist, because if the condition is worse during PMS then it IS chemical related. I can speak from personal experience that... while it took me a LONG time to be willing to go see a psychiatrist (because of the stupid stigma our society puts on it) that I think I spent far too long in my life dealing with a TREATABLE medical condition without relief and I feel that that time is now lost when I could have been much happier in both my mental state as well as my emotional and social state.

There is no shame in going to a doctor and saying... I think I have a condition here and I would like help treating it.

I know that medication has helped my emotional stability SO much in the last year and a half. (for those who know my situation, most people say that had I not been under treatment already, I would probably be dead by now due to the current situation I find myself in. :eek: ) So PLEASE - Don't Wait!

Just to add my 2 cents....I agree with everyone that has suggested seeing your doctor right away, especially to see if he recommends a sleep apnea evaluation. Here's my story...

ymbf snored, tossed and turned during sleep, woke up several times gasping at night, etc. He had also been "diagnosed" 2 years ago with anxiety, depression, anger issues, and one therapist was ready to label him bipolar (and he was on 4 medications to cover everything !!! :eek: ). He was always sleepy during the day, had to take naps etc. (at 26 !!!). When we met, I urged him to change doctors and get a second opinion. He switched therapists, and the new one was AMAZING. In their second session he suggested an appt. with the sleep clinic to evaluate for sleep apnea...he saw some possible correlations.

YM spent 2 nights being evaluated while he slept. Yep, severe sleep apnea was the diagnosis. He got his breathing machine, and has never slept better in his life. MOST of his "symptoms" have vanished. The man is NOT bipolar, nor does he have anger issues....HE JUST HASN"T SLEPT WELL IN 12 YEARS!!!! Without the normal amount of REM sleep each night, you can literally experience freakish stuff. And, your partner who is losing sleep can also become short tempered, frustrated, etc.

Have it checked out...could be hormonal, or sleep apnea-related. At any rate, you need a professional opinion.

Thanks to everyone for your replies!

I should have mentioned in my original post that I HAVE been diagnosed--I know I said that I don't know "why" I screm in my sleep, but my psychologist did say that I have nocturnal panic attacks. Unfortunately for me, these attacks aren't easy to treat, simply because there's no reliable way of determining what touches them off. I'm willing to bet at this point that the chemical changes I have during PMS cause mine. I have been taking valarian root since my last post and I haven't had an episode (touch wood)...

I spoke to my Husband and he did apologize for being so short with me. I should have been more understanding of him as well--it IS difficult to see someone you love going through such a difficult time. For now, we're working on the issues.

Thanks again for all of your help. If this problem persists, I may look into the "sleep apnea" issue, as well...

Please do go ahead and look into having a sleep evaluation done. They check for more than apnea. They check your brain waves, restless legs, and many other things if they are reputable. Good luck with all that! :)