How much do you think your S/O has a right to know about your past??

I think a lot of people have made mistakes through out life...say when you were younger, your teens or early 20s you did something you were later ashamed of: drugs, sleeping around etc. You are a completely changed person now. Do you feel you have to tell your partner about this part of your life? Would you rather put it behind you and move on? especially if you have already moved on.

Unless there is something that would affect them in some way (like an STD, a child, a medical condition resulting from past activities), I don't think you need to tell them anything you are uncomfortable discussing. In fact, I think a lot of times, people become unnecessarily insecure over something in their SO's pasts. I am not saying you should lie... it's just not necessary to list every single guy you've made out with, every position you've ever done it in, and every single time you've gotten wasted.

its the past...
unless it has a direct influence on the present... or something that could come back and bite ya

I am who I am in spite of and because of my past. I feel my past is as much a part of me as my green eyes. I can change neither. :) Sometimes, I think it allows my S/O to understand some of my behaviors. What made me decide to share all with him? He has a right to know. I don't think I can start a trusting relationship with secrets. This works for me, but I think it depends on the person.

I believe it depends on a whole lot of things:

1. How long have you know each other - If it is a new relationship, you might want them to get to know who you are "now", before you tell them who you were. Then if you feel comfortable, let them in on your past.

2. Does the situation go against their beliefs or values - I think these types of things should be discussed. You should air out the laundry and let them understand you have changed. In addition, let them know that you value their beliefs enough to let them know. I think you should discuss it as you never know what skeletons might leak out of the closet :eek: , and better to be upfront than trying to apologize for not telling them after. If they love you, they will accept you for who you are now not what your past was.

3. Will it affect anything in the future? This is tough to answer, so best to be up front if there is any question in your mind. I believe that if they truly love you for who you are they will help you get over what ever it is, and look to a brighter future together.

These are just some of the things "I" think that influence the decision to tell your S/O things from your past. I have always been upfront with my partner. I just don’t want to have to answer the one question that will come up “Why, didn’t you tell me?” :o

Oh, and I forgot to mention...Put your feet in their shoes, would you want to know?....If the answer is you would....Then tell them

during the period of 'getting to know' each other, things are talked about. pertinent information, like has been mentioned, should ALWAYS be told, if it will affect your life together.

but there are things that you may not just say...oh btw, i need to tell you about how my mom hurt my feelings when she did/didn't do this that or the other. profound to you but maybe not something that is pertinent to building a life with your SO. it's these types of things that come up as your laying in each others arms in the bed, on the couch, in the floor, wherever.

there may be some things that take longer for you to talk about, there may be things that never cross your mind as being "important" enough to tell.

you just....get to know each other.

but i don't believe that you're obligated to tell a love interest EVERYTHING about yourself. quite frankly, i don't know if i'd want to know it all. no mystery. and there are things about me i'd just as soon forget.

I'll only tell if asked or to explain something that's happening in the present. for instance, if we're talking about experiences that have shape us and I want to show my SO that I understand what he went through because of yada, yada, yada.

Is it lying...come on...that's a bit of a stretch. Lying is being asked about something in particular and delibrately avoiding the truth.

Its like there have been times that I have gone out on a date and the guy will say, "so tell me about yourself", I don't think he means it literally from the date of your birth. Telling him everything only fosters a mental picture of you that will come back to bite your in the butt during a fierce arguement where he might be a skank and throw it back in your face. Telling him everything may also change his idea of wanting to pursue a relationship with you....such as that you cheated on your previous b/f, you lied about whatever.

I always think that people who feel the need to unburden their souls to their SO are doing so for validation that they've haven't really mess up or for sympathy aganist overwhelming guilt.

Yes, those past experiences have shape you...and only if you've learned from them, but their are yours to hold, to go back to, to re learn, to analyze and continue to reshape you with each relationship you have. If you bear it all, it loses its magnititude to its owner as it becomes just another boring story.

Paris

In my opinion, as some others have hinted, it's kind of better to pick and choose. We have talked about SOME things from the past, but not all. Especially with sex and dating stuff, I have mentioned one or two signifigant people in passing, but I am not gonna re-hash every guy I have ever known. And especially when you're dealing with an older partner, his list of chicks MUST be longer than my list of guys, and he doesn't sit rehasing them all either, just one or two important ones as they may come up in a story or something.

I have only been completely honest about everything with one person, and ironically we have never been involved withe ach other. I feel far closer to her though than I do to anyone else I have ever met.

That said, I know that when I tell someone else about everything that I have done (*sigh*) then hopefully (not that I'm cynical, she will be the "one". Whatever that is.....

I have only been completely honest about everything with one person, and ironically we have never been involved withe ach other. I feel far closer to her though than I do to anyone else I have ever met.

That said, I know that when I tell someone else about everything that I have done (*sigh*) then hopefully (not that I'm cynical, she will be the "one". Whatever that is.....
It's funnty you say that....I have this one best friend that knows more about me than my mom, friends or boyfriend or past boyfriends. He lives across the country, so I think I feel like he is neutral party or something and me telling him things doesn't impact so much on my everyday life.

I think you just somehow know what you can say and what not. For instance, Dereck knows things about me that my ex, whom I was married to for nearly 24 years never had an inkling of. I just couldn't tell him because of the kind of person he was/is. No way!

The longer you're with someone, and if he/she is compatible to you, the more things will come up that may lead to things from your past. If it feels right to discuss, then what the heck. I know I can talk to Dereck about nearly anything. He doesn't judge me by my past... he doesn't judge me at all really. Just accepts me for who I am now. One of the many many things I love about him is that he never prys. That's kind of rare I think.

I'm extremly open with him and would tell him anything and everything. However, at this point in my life I just want a brand new start. I don't want to go over every thing that is in my past and he don't really care to hear it. I have told him many things that have let him know the kind of woman I am and why. But, just to go telling him everything is pointless in my opinion.

I definetely say NO to tell all. I did that in my last marriage and all it did was cause me grief when we would be arguing. He would bring it up as an attack tactic. My new guy told me about a girl who gave him a BJ and now when I see her around, thats what I picture. I told him not to tell me about any past experiences like that again. I dont need to know everything. We are who we are today.

I just think if you've found the right person you should be able to talk with them about anything and not have to hide anything. I've told my g/f things that no-one else knows about, she's literally the ONLY person that I honestly felt comfortable about telling. But that is the greatest thing about our relationship, that we both feel that comfortable.

I don't think I am who I am "in spite" of my past . . . I think I am who I am "because" of my past. And having said that, I would not change any of my past if I had the chance to do so.

And since I have nothing to hide, I don't mind sharing my past with anyone. After all, if I can help someone through something because I have "been there, done that" then I'm more than willing to share my experiences.

Now, if a SO were quizzing me about my past to look for something to use against me . . . that is just plain wrong. Because the past is the past and I am who I am now. Take it or leave it!! :D