? for those who don't live with their SO

I guess I am really curious to the couples who don’t live together and who are not in an LDR, how do you spend time together or apart. Like how do you figure who is going to sleep where and when? Lol sorry I just have to ask this cuz I am in a relationship where we use to spend practically every night together and now its lessened and I immediately start to feel like things are going downhill. My ym tells me everything is wonderful and that he is very comfortable in our relationship and doesn’t understand that when he wants to stay home why I get so upset and act like our relationship is in turmoil when everything is going fine. I just dont know what to do with myself, I know I should try and go to the gym or relax watch a movie but most the time I am not all that motivated when he isn't around. Even my kids see it in my face that I get upset and they have asked him why I get that way. I know I have relationship issues and am trying to get back in to see a counselor/therapist. Am I alone in these feelings or does anyone else out there have the same feelings? Sometimes I am perfectly fine and other times I get so upset over it that I cry. And I know it upsets my boyfriend that he wants to see me happy and he thinks I struggle with trying to be happy. Am I just so use to turmoil that I create it myself? When things are fine I seem to think really hard about something to be upset over. And I want to change and I want to be a better person/mother/girlfriend.

I'm sorry that you feel so upset! I have been there, from time to time. My boyfriend of 3 years and I don't live together (and we only live 5 minutes away from each other, and he lives with his parents). He usually stays over on the weekends and one night during the week. But he's kind of a homebody in some ways... he likes using his shower, having all his stuff there, cooking in his kitchen, eating his food. He said that before me, he pretty much never spent the night away from home unless he was on holidays... he never spent the night at friends' places because he likes his place. This is different from me -- when I was younger and still lived with the 'rents, I would stay over at friends' places/boyfriends' places as much as possible, because it was fun. He's not like that.

Depending on the guy's personality, I don't think it's a bad sign, necessarily. I mean, if he'd rather spend the night at his friends' places than yours, then that's probably not a great thing. The thing with some people is that sometimes when they are comfortable in a relationship, they don't need to spend every minute together, but when they decide they want to spend their lives with someone, they are there for life... so it may even be a good sign.

thanks for your response, yeah he never stays the night at his friends house either. He stays at my place about 3 times a week. It use to be 5-6 nights a week. So its hard for me. What do you do and how do you handle it? It makes me feel like I am there for when he needs to see me. I am always available for him and I think I am starting to resent it. But I know I am really sensitive about things. He has told me he gets worried to tell me that he can't stay the night cuz of my reaction. So I don't want to sabotage my relationship for no reason.
Most the time, its football he loves to watch it with his dad they have a big screen. Then it's homework. He does his courses online. So between there I feel like I get the left overs and I don't like it. He doesn't see it that way.

I get the feeling that you might be sabotaging your relationship by letting yourself become too needy and dependent on your ym. The problem is just beginning so it is probably safe to say it is totally saveable. You have to regain some of your old independence. Make yourself relax about the relationship and tell yourself everything is great and you have no worries. Next you have to work on building a life for yourself. Draw up a schedule. Monday nights you and the kids can have an activity night depending on their age. Eat out and visit the library or visit another friend with same aged kids. Tuesday is grocery night. Wed is stay home with the boyfriend and rent a movie night. Thursday is leave the kids with a sitter and get out of the house on your own to either go shopping, go to the gym or go out with a girlfriend. Friday is up in the air night and if boyfriend doesn't book with you by Wed you should go out with a friend or a relative. Maybe one night a week you can take a night school class. If the boyfriend has to see you on x night or miss you for days then he will appreciate the time better. You have to make him feel you really don't need him because you are busy. You will become more interesting to him and others. Just fill your life with other things besides him and the kids. You will enjoy life better and everyone around you will enjoy a happier you too. But don't ever drop anything you have arranged for the boyfriend unless he needs a ride to the hospital, commit to you.
I didn't address the issue of the ym here just what you can do for yourself in this matter. Hope all goes well. ja

Unless your gut tells you he's backing away emotionally, I don't think this means anything bad. I've had my bf 8-1/2 months. For 6 months he never stayed the night. I always wondered why but I sensed it was nothing personal. One night he decided to stay over & then it was 2-3 nights a week all summer. Now it's once a week.

We have excellent communication & rapport, so I know his reasons:
1. bf's family dynamics
2. his school/my kids'schools
3. bf's lack of acclimation to domestic life with a gf
4. relationship cycle/stages
EXPANDED DETAILS BELOW:

1. (family dynamics) My bf, Dave lives with his mom because he's in college & recently started his own business. He hates it but does it for economic reasons. He avoided sleeping here because his mom gets nosy & teases him. It got to the point where he really wanted to sleep over so he just did it despite his concern over his mother's reaction. Of course she told grandma, uncle, older sister, etc., "I think Dave has a girlfriend," so now everyone interrogates him. Even if your bf doesn't live with family, they may call him & question him about not being home. It's possible that "family dynamics" are a major factor, & if they are he may be embarrassed to tell you.

2. (schools) When school started, we decided it best to spend less time together & structure the time we DO spend together instead of "just hanging out" like we did all summer. I have kids in school, Dave has school & everyone has homework at night. Sleepovers can be more trouble than they're worth when you have to wake up at 6 or 7am & then you're doing homework up until bedtime. Moreover, I think Dave feels in the way of our school morning & evening homework routine. Think about HIS perspective: there are 14.8 years between Dave & me, & only 7 years between Dave & my oldest child. Take all this into considerstion, & also ask yourself if you are expecting your bf to help out with your kids; probably not a good idea unless he's step-father material.

3. (domestic acclimation) Dave never spent the night with a girl before me, never lived with anyone, & has no kids. He is simply not acclimated to man-woman domestics. Imagine yourself at his age halfway living with an older man with kids. Besides, your bf has his pattern he's established & is comfortable with & it took his whole life to get where he's at; you need to let him establish a pattern with you that he feels comfortable with.

4. (relationship dynamics) There is also that early relationship exitement. After that early explosive growth period in a relationship, you settle into a more secure & relaxed routine & don't feel compelled to spend every spare moment with your mate.

Lastly, I would say if you cause him anxiety over this, you will make him feel uncomfortable & you will push him away. I understand feeling lonely or bored & wanting to spend time with someone you love or are excited to see. But you must use your higher judgement & self-discipline. You should also not second guess the answers he gives you, unless you have evidence that contradicts him, or you have a very bad gut feeling. Distrust will also push him away.

Excellent post, mama. For me, 1,3, and 4 all come into play in my relationship too.

you are soooo right! I know this in my mind but trying to do it is another thing!
I will try though!
thanks it always helps to hear it from others.







I get the feeling that you might be sabotaging your relationship by letting yourself become too needy and dependent on your ym. The problem is just beginning so it is probably safe to say it is totally saveable. You have to regain some of your old independence. Make yourself relax about the relationship and tell yourself everything is great and you have no worries. Next you have to work on building a life for yourself. Draw up a schedule. Monday nights you and the kids can have an activity night depending on their age. Eat out and visit the library or visit another friend with same aged kids. Tuesday is grocery night. Wed is stay home with the boyfriend and rent a movie night. Thursday is leave the kids with a sitter and get out of the house on your own to either go shopping, go to the gym or go out with a girlfriend. Friday is up in the air night and if boyfriend doesn't book with you by Wed you should go out with a friend or a relative. Maybe one night a week you can take a night school class. If the boyfriend has to see you on x night or miss you for days then he will appreciate the time better. You have to make him feel you really don't need him because you are busy. You will become more interesting to him and others. Just fill your life with other things besides him and the kids. You will enjoy life better and everyone around you will enjoy a happier you too. But don't ever drop anything you have arranged for the boyfriend unless he needs a ride to the hospital, commit to you.
I didn't address the issue of the ym here just what you can do for yourself in this matter. Hope all goes well. ja

People really have different degrees ot 'togetherness needs'. There are some couples that can't seem to bear to be apart, you never see one without the other, others seem to do a lot of going thier own way.
You probably should have a serious talk with your bf about this and come up with some compromise since you seem to need it more than he does. Maybe work out a schedule and then plan things for yourself to do when he is having alone time or pursuing other interests.
Its just the way I am, but I think time apart actually builds stronger relationships, if nothing else you have things to talk about more when you are together.

my gut doesn't tell me that he is backing away but like you said after you settle and get comfy things change. He said he is very comfortable in our relationship. And wants me to feel the same.
#1 as far as his family, his mother actually watches my 3 year old in the morning to catch the bus for school and after school for about 2 hours until we get back. We also work and car pool together. But me and his family all get along great. My son even call his mom grama and she loves it! He is the only child btw.

and on your #2 He is a full time college student too and has all his classes online.
and he is very involved with my kids. you did open my eyes as to the fact that him and my daughter are what she is 14 he is 22 so there is only 8 years difference there. WOW!

#3 that was also something that make me think.

And last I think you are very right I really need to use my higher judgment and
self discipline


Thank you very much for your response.

BTW Are you in the law field?? LOL



Unless your gut tells you he's backing away emotionally, I don't think this means anything bad. I've had my bf 8-1/2 months. For 6 months he never stayed the night. I always wondered why but I sensed it was nothing personal. One night he decided to stay over & then it was 2-3 nights a week all summer. Now it's once a week.

We have excellent communication & rapport, so I know his reasons:
1. bf's family dynamics
2. his school/my kids'schools
3. bf's lack of acclimation to domestic life with a gf
4. relationship cycle/stages
EXPANDED DETAILS BELOW:

1. (family dynamics) My bf, Dave lives with his mom because he's in college & recently started his own business. He hates it but does it for economic reasons. He avoided sleeping here because his mom gets nosy & teases him. It got to the point where he really wanted to sleep over so he just did it despite his concern over his mother's reaction. Of course she told grandma, uncle, older sister, etc., "I think Dave has a girlfriend," so now everyone interrogates him. Even if your bf doesn't live with family, they may call him & question him about not being home. It's possible that "family dynamics" are a major factor, & if they are he may be embarrassed to tell you.

2. (schools) When school started, we decided it best to spend less time together & structure the time we DO spend together instead of "just hanging out" like we did all summer. I have kids in school, Dave has school & everyone has homework at night. Sleepovers can be more trouble than they're worth when you have to wake up at 6 or 7am & then you're doing homework up until bedtime. Moreover, I think Dave feels in the way of our school morning & evening homework routine. Think about HIS perspective: there are 14.8 years between Dave & me, & only 7 years between Dave & my oldest child. Take all this into considerstion, & also ask yourself if you are expecting your bf to help out with your kids; probably not a good idea unless he's step-father material.

3. (domestic acclimation) Dave never spent the night with a girl before me, never lived with anyone, & has no kids. He is simply not acclimated to man-woman domestics. Imagine yourself at his age halfway living with an older man with kids. Besides, your bf has his pattern he's established & is comfortable with & it took his whole life to get where he's at; you need to let him establish a pattern with you that he feels comfortable with.

4. (relationship dynamics) There is also that early relationship exitement. After that early explosive growth period in a relationship, you settle into a more secure & relaxed routine & don't feel compelled to spend every spare moment with your mate.

Lastly, I would say if you cause him anxiety over this, you will make him feel uncomfortable & you will push him away. I understand feeling lonely or bored & wanting to spend time with someone you love or are excited to see. But you must use your higher judgement & self-discipline. You should also not second guess the answers he gives you, unless you have evidence that contradicts him, or you have a very bad gut feeling. Distrust will also push him away.

yes I so agree with everything you said when we spend time apart we do have alot more to talk about, really we see each other everyday because of work and car pooling.

Everyone here always has such good advice.





People really have different degrees ot 'togetherness needs'. There are some couples that can't seem to bear to be apart, you never see one without the other, others seem to do a lot of going thier own way.
You probably should have a serious talk with your bf about this and come up with some compromise since you seem to need it more than he does. Maybe work out a schedule and then plan things for yourself to do when he is having alone time or pursuing other interests.
Its just the way I am, but I think time apart actually builds stronger relationships, if nothing else you have things to talk about more when you are together.

Well, we have been dating (off and on, mostly on) for almost five years, and we don't live together.

He stays the week at his house and spends the weekends at mine (or what he has of one because he is a workaholic).

After the initial year or so, there have been weekends we did not spend together, even though that is the only time he normally is able to stay over. Usually it is if one of us is going to be very busy and not have much time to spend, or if he has things he has to do at his house like repairs or yard work, but there have also been times when I asked him if we could skip a weekend just because I felt like being alone, and thats okay too. It didn't mean I loved him any less, I just needed some space.

We tried living together once for a short time, but it wasn't practical as it was too far for him to drive to work every day AND, well frankly, there is a HUGE difference between someone staying the night a couple nights a week and living with them all the time. I've been on my own for so long, it's difficult to adjust.

Yes, Vegas, I have always felt the advice here is very intelligent, honest & caring. And I can see you really are trying to learn ways to make your relationship work. I had some kind of weird issues in the very early stages & the people here offer such good perspective, advice & encouragement. I'm so glad I sought knowledge because I really wanted to make it work with Dave & I didn't always know what to do. With help from other members, Dave & I have managed to get onto a pretty smooth road now.

I'm not in law, but I was a group health plan administrator for 25 years, my first divorce took 3-1/2 years & post-divorce issues lasted another 10. One of my lawyers offered me a job as a paralegal & another asked if I'd like to serve as an expert witness. I was flattered but declined as I already had a good job. You are keenly observant to have noticed; are you in law?

We keep our lives as they were before...and put each other first after the important responsibilities. His job and my school work must come first. Also plans we have committed to with close friends and family like someone's birthday etc.

After that, we spend any free time together...which is for right now when I am in school only 1 or 2 days a week. I usually go to him b/c he had a nice condo. I live in a small dorm with rules about over night guests.