How to help him be okay about no children?

I'm a white American, married for 2 years to a very loving Indian Fijian 19 years my junior. I am just out of childbearing age and not healthy. I had two kids and i am not interested in raising more. He was married for 9 years before and had no kids, though they tried. Regularly from all sides, for years and years people have made it their business to ask him about his "inability", sometimes making cruel remarks. Now the rumor is that his first wife is pregnant, which, in his mind points to him having been the one 'at fault, though tests at the time did not. His family says he needs to have a child to take care of him in his old age and to keep the family name. Westerners don't much seem to give a hoot about what others say but he really does. Any sensitive person know a way to help him overcome this need to prove to himself and the ex's family and the world that he is a man through reproducing? Of course he is very much a wonderful man but this is the problem we are facing. I don't think he thinks i am much help with my it's none of their buisness attitude. I feel for his pain and am somewhat worried for our future if he can't resolve this. Thank you.

Hi Priya,

Well, it's a tough one to resolve, isn't it? You can't really have a child just to prove them all wrong, now can you?

I know it's no fun to have others that you care about thinking badly of you, but there's really only two options when you're in that situation. Decide you don't care (and he might get there in time) or use your persuasive powers to redefine what is being seen as a problem into something positive.

He can certainly give some serious thought to what things are good for him about childlessness. The ability to save more money to take care of the two of you in your old age. The freedom to travel, or to work harder, or to maintain a dual income throughout the next 25 years. The opportunity to be friends to your children, and their level of commitment to caring for you both (if there is one). The strength of his bond with you. The more he digs into his decision, the easier it will be to defend it when it is questioned and to slough off criticism.

I would guess the criticism partially stems from some notion that it's "your decision and circumstances" that are driving this decision, so the more he can own it and articulate that it's what HE wants too for his own life, the easier it will probably get over the long run ...

I think the best course of action that he be brutally honest with his relatives about his situation. He has to tell them that you two will not have children - period - and that their badgering is annoying him.

People will always have something to complain about... if you have one child, how come you do not have two, if you have two and they are the same sex, they ask when will you get the boy (or girl), if you have more than 3 kids, they ask you why so many. Pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaase! Give me a break!

Thank you very much. I'll follow your good suggestions and see what happens.

I'm missing something, does he want a child or not because if he tried and tried with his ex wife and they couldn't, doesn't that mean he would've had them, its gotta be killing him to know his ex is now pregnant after years of they trying.

Because if he did want a child, he should not have married you in the first place. Did you two discuss this before getting married. I would find out exactly where he stands, does he want a child or not...and then you both can provide a united front and do as Sheila suggested, be brutally honest with family and friends and give them your decision and tell them the topic is not up for discussion.

Paris