people not accepting your relationship

Hello all,

I'm so glad I found this ageless relationship forum. There is some great advice here!

My name is Mary Ann and I'm 22 years old. My boyfriend of two months is 38. So far things are going quite well between us.

My man's parents and relatives really like me, however my mom firmly disapproves of our relationship. This is quite odd since my parents are 10 years apart, so you think she wouldn't mind the 16 year gap. My guy treats me great and I'm happy, so naturally I'm upset that my mom would disapprove. She said hurtful things such as:

~how could you waste your life away with an old man
~your young and beautiful, how can you settle for HIM
~i'm very embarassed by your relationship, and you should be too
~your relationship is making me physically sick to my stomach

I feel torn to pieces by these comments. How do you react to such nonsense? Have any of you had problems with loved ones not accepting your "ageless" romance?

Thanks in advance, and I look forward to meeting and chating with ya'll in the future.

Submart,
When I was reading your thread I was shocked, My mother said many of the same things to me as well. On the flipside I am a 24 year old guy and the love of my life is 47. Parents want what "they think is best" for their children. I think they come through in time when they see that you are happy and he is not hurting you.
It's tough, because at the same time when family disapproves you want to be accepted too (sometimes)

Either way, just dont let what she says get you down! It must mean she's not happy in her own life.

Welcome to ageless!

(Hello to everyone. I am new here, and thought i would just jump in with this reply to submart.)

Well, first of all, two months is pretty new for a relationship. (And, i thought, "My, wouldn't a mere 16yr age difference be great??" wink--mine is about 27yrs!)

Has your mother actually met him yet? It could be something else that is irking her about him, but the age thing is an easier excuse?

One would hope as your relationship grows into a more solid footing and becomes more serious and sustaining, *everyone* will become more comfortable with the situation.

If not, i suppose it comes down to a matter of priorites. I really think, however, it wil become better with time. Follow your heart and good luck to you!!

going through something similar. im 21 ron will be 39 in november. my mom is ok with it, i finally told her about the relationship. my dad on the other hand is against it(not surprised) theres really not much that can be done about it, i cant change his mind. i have to live my life whether he likes it or not.

hi and welcome, i'm going to move your thread to the relationship forum on the younger women/older men side of the site. tht way hopefully you'll get more feedback and support.

i'll leave a re-direct in this forum for ya

best of luck to you two

Tracy

Both my wife and I have been through this too...it's your happiness together that really matters, not their opinion.

I will be 43 in December, and Stephy will be 21 in November. :) :) :)

Oh my, I know what you're going through. I've probably told this story a million times, but, it is still the same. I told my mom about my OM and myself in May. At that time, we'd been living together for about 5 months, seeing eachother for nearly a year. When I told my mom, she FREAKED out, and I haven't talked to her since. My dad, on the other hand, is the only person in my family that still talks to me. He doesn't support our relationship, but he ACCEPTS it, which makes me happy. He is currently trying to get my mom and myself to make amends, but, she's kind of a nut, I think. ;) And my sisters, following my mother's lead, won't talk to me either.

Anyways, there are plenty of people here that know what you're going through. My OM's mother highly dissaproves of our relationship, and won't talk to me (I knew her before we got together) so...some people are just stuck in their ways. Just be strong...most people come around.

Thanks guys! Your feedback was really helpful. Though my mom has not been formally introduced to my OM, she saw him when he dropped me off after a date. (I was visiting at my parents house). I won't let her hold me back from my great relationship.

It sounds like you are in the same boat I was in. My parents hate my OM (he just turned 44 on Monday!) (I'm 23) It was hard for my parents to realize that I'm in a grown up relationship...and that i'm not their little girl anymore.

I think with time your parents will get used to it. Just let them see that you can run your own life and that you're committed and in love.

I found that the best way to deal with the hurtful comments (and we've gotten our share from my mom...she told me Alec looked like a pervert weasel) is to just stay calm and don't argue back. It you let them see that it hurts or angers you....they'll just keep doing it.

Anyways...hope that helps. Welcome!

Nadine.

Cherubino.....oh my GAWD you freakin rock!! Those were hilarious replies and I will definitely remember those. :D

I second that...very funny Cherubino! When I need a good comeback, I'll be PMing you!

Ya know, I just sent a friend a pic (a really bad one) of me and an older man hanging out and my friend said he thought he looked like a perv too. Now I feel funny about it - it's hard to not let these comments affect you.

Cherubino- You are awesome! =)

As for me, my mom had some difficulties at first accepting my relationship (20 yr. diff., I'm 19, He's 39) but she has now come around and routeinly defends our relationship to both my father and outsiders who feel they have the right to make comments.

My father, on the other hand, has refused to meet my OM and given me countless lectures loud lectures that would make a sailor blush. I have dealt with him by writing him a long letter, explaining some aspects of our relationship and how absolutely happy I am. I then told him that I hoped he understood that since I have made a commitment to D., a commitment to spend the rest of my life with him, that my loyalities lied with him. I went on to say that until he (my father) could accept our relationship and agree to meet D. that I would have no further contact with him. I explained that no matter what, through thick and thin, I love this man and I cannot associate with anyone, not even my father, if they are going to bash D. And that's just how it is. =)

I haven't spoken to my father in a month, and I know I made the right decision. My mom thinks he'll come around. By completely cutting him out of my life, instead of agreeing to see him and talk to him with D. isn't around, I am forcing him to make a decision to either have me AND D. in his life, or neither. We are a package deal now. I think he'll come around.

Good luck to you. I hope your mom comes around, too. I think mom's usually have a better time with it...

My father has refused to meet my OM and given me countless lectures loud lectures that would make a sailor blush.
I am a sailor...it would take quite a bit to make me blush. :eek: :eek: :eek:

Hey L J. GLAD to hear your Mom came around!! :D Give your Dad more time... ;) This is good news... why didn't you start your own thread about it!!!

~phos

Hehehe... didn't think I was going to say so much.

I really do believe that just ignoring the man for a few more months will make him come around. That's what I ultimately did with my mom... but she didn't last a week before she called and invited both me AND OM out to dinner... =)

L J, I'm so jealous. My dad actually talks to me, but...he'd never invite us out to dinner!! :eek: I am looking forward to the day my mom talks to me again.

And to Jesique's mom who says Alec looks like a pervert weasel, I'd say:

I know! Isn't that seeeeexy?! <in my best Austin Powers voice>


LOL Cherubino!!! I wish I had told her that! :D

My mom has finally settled into a normal state again...she calls...we talk normally....but she never asks me about Alec...which kinda ticks me off...its like she's ignoring the fact that we're together.

This last monday was his bday and she called while I was getting ready to take him out to lunch....and i told her it was his bday...and she actually told me to wish him happy bday....which totally blew my mind! I know she was just being polite...but still. Its better than my dad whom i've talked to only twice since moving out here more than a month ago.

LJ...I think thats a great idea with your dad. I keep meaning to write my dad a letter...but its still a little too painful...i was very much a daddy's girl before this all started.

Nadine.

LJ thats great news!!! I'm happy for you both!!

That's what my mom did too. And then she'll get pissed if I bring him up. Well, what does she expect?? She asked me what I did over the weekend and I said I went to the movies with him. I finally got sick of that too. She can stick her head in the sand for as long as she wants but I sure ain't gonna!

I should mention that my mom is the type to be in denial about everything period. For example, I broke up with my ex-husband over 4 years ago and all her friends still think we're together!!! She used to insist that I lie about my marital status at family gatherings ("Why would you want to air dirty laundry in public?!") until I finally stopped going altogether.

I really think she needs professional help.

Yikes...that sucks. My mom is kind of the opposite...she loves to air our dirty laundry to all of her friends...and then blame it on me...for "embarressing the family."

But yeah...I've gotten to the point where I just talk about him to her...he's here with me...he's a HUGE part of my life now...and she's just going to have to listen and deal with it.

Now if I could just get my dad to talk to me again.

Nadine.

Hey im new here :D

I looked for a site like this for ages, but couldnt find it, wish i'd found it a few months ago!

im 18, and have been going out with a 38 year old guy for 2 1/2 months

(hey its nice to be able to tell someone about this :) )

i went through a really tough time when we first started going out, with the only friends i told (still in 6th form college) were pretty shocked and i recieved a lot of negative reactions. Ive got over this I think, and ive come around to the 'so what hes old?' mentality. hey hes attractive for his age, fit and healthy and i just get on with him so well. one of the 'nice' guys of this world, one of the 1%.

the negative reactions i have felt (when i posted on a normal chat forum) were: sl*t (umm im still a virgin 2 1/2 months down the line so how does that work), golddigger (but he isnt rich, or even well off), and desperate ie: will take the first person that asks me out.

ho hum he also lives a 1 1/2 hour drive away which adds another factor, but we get around this

i dont know for how long we're going to go out with each other but i would find it extremely hard to tell my parents as they would find it hard to accept
hes younger than my dad so thats one argument out of the way? but it would still be hard to tell them.

before i met this guy i wouldnt have considered going out with someone 20 years older than me, but its changed me a bit in that instead of thinking about age and looks i think more about personality, ideals and humour as these are more important than what people think when they see you together.

I like his outlook on life, his personality: he has respect for me: it sounds trite and crap but some of the guys my age just want to get a leg over anyone, anything, anywhere, and dont want a relationship or whatever, as of yet i havent found a guy my age who wanted what i wanted. infact this is the longest relationship ive ever been in 'cause the others just saw me a few times and it just tailed off

One of his mates made a comment (to me), and i cant decide jokingly or not 'is it true you're an item? whoah you must be desperate!'. we laughed it off...but still it hurt

It may be infatuation I dont know, but it feels F*****g fantastic, and hes all i think about, all i want. just seeing him or talking on msn, phone whatever, makes me happy. and when we're together, ive never been as happy in my life

I'm hoping to get into Uni nearer to him in Nottingham (i dont care where I go, so why not make that a factor?), that would be fantastic :) .

may sound like im naiive but ive thought about this so much and i thought: well why give up on this? it might be fantastic, and when I think about it later I might regret losing him because I was a bit scared and because people put pressure on me to dump him incase i 'get a reputation'.

I dont know...i wouldnt just go out with an older guy just because he was older know what i mean but this has really opened my eyes.
he is special and (oh theres that word) i love him because hes absolutely amazing, and (cliche? but) so different to all the other guys I know, let alone have gone out with.

Oh yeah, hes got a 5 year old little boy as well lol i forgot (what a sweetheart :D)

and when i told my mates that the reaction was almost funny :D
hey if they dont accept me they cant really be mates right, maybe i should just find some other people ;)

Rosie,

Aww rosie sounds like your really into this guy. I'm really happy for you. I know what you mean by people thinking your desperate, but do ignore them! You have a guy who treats you right and is good looking? Then you chose wisely!! :)

I'm in a relationship with a 16 year age gap as well. We've only been dating for about a month- so I haven't met his family yet. At the very beginning of our relationship my mother would say really hurtful things to me about the relationship, and it really bothered me.
She said things like:
"You're just being naive- he only wants to sleep with you"
"Why would a man THAT age want anything to do with someone your age??"

I was so hurt by the things she said, and just knowing she didn't approve bothered me as well. I've never been "rebellious" or anything, and I have even broken off relationships before- just because my mother didn't like the person, and I felt emotionally drained having to always defend myself and relationship. Finally, I put my foot down and flat out told her that I understand that she's concerned, but that this is MY relationship, and my decision- and that I'm a big girl now. After that she backed off a little- but now whenever I mention funny things he said, or what we did on the weekend she gets really quiet- and seems irritated. It makes me sad that I cannot talk to my mom about my relationship, and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. I'm hoping that in time she will accept it.
My dad doesn't like it either, but I rarely ever see him- and I have learned to just keep my mouth shut about that aspect of my life when I'm around him.

As for his parents- his mom asked him if he was dating anyone, and he told her about me, to which she said "That's way too big of an age difference!" to which he told her that the last 2 women he's dated (who were 10 years older than me) were more immature than I was...he said that she seemed to be more accepting once she realized that was true, haha. I really hope that when/if I meet his parents, they will like me for me.

Sorry that I can't give you advice, but I am so relieved to finally find some people who understand what it's like!

Funny all this sounds exactly like the things my mother would say

"you're naiive"
"he only wants to sleep with you"
"you deserve so much better"
"what can you offer him?"/"what can he offer you?"
"WTH??!! hes got a child/he's divorced what are you letting yourself in for??"
"he hasnt got a good job/he isnt good enough for you"

Yeah i can't see it panning out well :(

should I tell them?
would it be worse if they just found out, or i told them?
Either way they will definately not be happy. They are not the type of parents to just say 'yep Ok just as long as you're happy and he treats you right'.


umm well i still live with my parents, only being 18, and I don't drive yet, if I tell them...there may be ways they can try and prevent me seeing him.

and so far I've had to lie, and tell them I'm meeting friends


I just have visions of my mother meeting him and being....less than pleasant


Honestly it's hard enough as it is, worrying about the actual relationship itself, without having to worry about my parents attitudes as well.
Its so hard at the moment.
I cant see him more than once, twice a month at most at the moment, and we're both worried about what will happen when i go to Uni whether we will be able to carry on, on top of other worries ive got about finding a Uni place, college work, work outside of college. Thinking about him's the only thing that gets me through the day.

Need a hug :(

umm well i still live with my parents, only being 18, and I don't drive yet, if I tell them...there may be ways they can try and prevent me seeing him.

and so far I've had to lie, and tell them I'm meeting friends


I just have visions of my mother meeting him and being....less than pleasant




(((((HUGE HUG))))))) Rosie...sounds like you're in a sucky situation...but I can promise you that lying to them isn't going to help. The sooner you tell them the truth...the easier it will be for them to swallow it.

As for when your parents meet him....they will most likely be cool...but not rude. I totally expected my mom to slap Alec when they met...but she was very well behaved (way out of character for her...lol)...I think that sometimes we build things up in our minds...making them scarier than they really are. *smile*

Good luck!

Nadine.

I had a very very hard time telling my parents about my boyfriend who is 22 years older than me. Its actually someone she knew, so it was an even bigger deal. But I had expected my parents to freak, especially my dad. I figured he'd never talk to me again. But my dad is the most supportive person I have in my family now that I have told them. My mom....is another case. I should add, that like Cherubino, I think my mom needs mental help as well :p She always sticks her head in the sand whenever my dad even brings up my name!!!

But my point is, you may be suprised...you may have more support than you ever thought you would.

Good luck!!! :o

Rosie- I know exactly what you mean!! I'm 18 as well, and I still live at home (hopefully only until January) and whenever we're going out , my boyfriend has to come pick me up, because I don't have a car yet! At first, my mother would try to start an argument right before he arrived, and she'd threaten to turn off my cell phone, and the internet- like I'm some 13 year old who got caught doing something bad! I just feel like it's such a waste of time for her to make an issue out of a happy relationship. Grrr.
I also am worried and a little nervous for college to start (I took a semester off) because I am afraid we will drift apart, even though my college is only 40 minutes away, which is the same distance apart we live now.

*hugs* But I know how you feel!

My dad and I talked about this last year...he told me "It really doesn't matter what your mother, your sisters, or your brother thinks, as long as your happy with a older guy, then that's all that matters."

Guys, be happy that you're going off to college soon because that will actually make things BETTER. You can't be living at home with your parents yet expect them to treat you like an adult who is mature enough to date someone 20 yrs older.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but until you guys move out, pay your own bills (either by working or with student loans), and be TRULY independent, you're fighting a losing battle.

Bottom line is if you want others to treat you like an adult, then you have to act like an adult 100% of the time, which means you take on the good stuff AND the bad. Being an adult is not all fun and games--the freedom comes with a lot of responsibilities.

So Rosie, don't sneak around. THat's what teenagers do and it's just going to make things worse for you in the long run. And Mitbee, if your mom is threatening to cut off your cell phone, why don't you just get your own cell phone??

Remember: you teach others how to treat you, so act like an adult if you want to be treated like one!

What a great post!!!

I had to learn this myself...once you do live on your own and take care of yourself...you're parents will start to treat you more like an adult. (unless you go home to visit...and then you're their little girl again)

Nadine.

Cherubino I actually CANT WAIT to go to Uni, honestly it feels like a big milestone. cant wait to be driving as well as this also will give me so much more freedom.
I really want to just am apprehensive as to how it will affect our relationship.

As to telling the parents...I want to see him first before I tell them. But I will tell them.

I think out of everyone involved, my dad has experienced the hardest time dealing with the relationship.

During Easter, Stephy and I were in West Virginia. My dad, who lives 30 minutes from my mother, dropped in from work to meet us; he acted very skittish and was very uncomfortable around her. For some reason he felt nervous.

Unfortunately, it turned out that a lot of my dad's behavior stemmed from lifestyle choices he made, some of which caused my parents' divorce. He finally opened up on that issue recently with me. I still love him to death, but now I see the picture was more complicated than just being overreactive to me and my wife.

He needs help with his addiction, but denies he has a problem.

My relationship is 1 yr old but I have known her for 4 years, she was the student I hated and she hated me even more. What happened after she graduated we still wonder but are darned glad she asked me out! We match in so many ways and find that the age difference create conversation. Her family has gradually gotten over things and her real dad even said that I would probably treat her better than young guys today. My kids are her age and are so so with it but not because of the age thing it is the fact that she is the first new woman in my life.

We have a lot of differences that make us talk and have fun. We are both active in a lot of things together.

We have four months apart while she is deployed oversees but since I have been numerous times I know the things I wanted to get and I send mail everyday to her and include things for the rest of the office.

Thanks for all the words in your posts!

I am in a 27 year age gap relationship and although my family has been accepting, his has not. On the surface, yes, they are tolerant of me, but I do sense an undercurrent of disapproval with regard to his sister. Both of his parents are deceased.

I feel that these issues can either make your relationship stronger or ultimately break it. Life is hard without familial support.

That's what my mom did too. And then she'll get pissed if I bring him up. Well, what does she expect?? She asked me what I did over the weekend and I said I went to the movies with him. I finally got sick of that too. She can stick her head in the sand for as long as she wants but I sure ain't gonna!

I should mention that my mom is the type to be in denial about everything period. For example, I broke up with my ex-husband over 4 years ago and all her friends still think we're together!!! She used to insist that I lie about my marital status at family gatherings ("Why would you want to air dirty laundry in public?!") until I finally stopped going altogether.

I really think she needs professional help.

OMG....could we be sisters???? LOL....My mom is the same way.....we talk about everything going on in my life except my YM....and if she happens to ask me something that includes "him" in the reply, she either changes the subject quickly, or gets mad and tells me she has to go. I guess she feels like if we don't talk about this relationship, it really isn't happening? LOL ;) <shaking head>
When she calls the house and he answers the phone, she hangs up. (as if we don't have caller ID!)