In a bad position [Archive] - Ageless Love - Your community for age gap relationship support!

jellybean400

09-28-2005, 02:36 AM

Hey, santasbaby, don't be too hard on yourself.

You have fallen into the trap that many otherwise intelligent women fall into on a daily basis.

You know that he's not going to leave her, and that, in reality, he's getting the best of both worlds. It really doesn't matter how much you love him, he doesn't deserve your devotion to him.

So, I think that the best advice here would be to take this as a lesson learned. Guys in these situations rarely leave their spouses. Why should they, after all?

You just have to decide whether living as his concubine is a life choice that you wish to make. Because, as you know very well, this leopard isn't going to change his spots.

Good luck to you.

Exactly.

I've been there. Though not for that length of time. I still have feelings for him. And i know he cares for me. He wont leave his wife...the reasons dont matter. To me, if the love is not strong enough to leave and be with me, then i dont want the relationship.

Its very hard. But you CAN do whats best for you...only you know. The longer it goes on, the worse the pain. Good luck.

sarahmac

09-28-2005, 03:11 AM

Don't say you deserve for anyone to be harsh to you. You don't. You didn't get yourself in this position on purpose. Love is a powerful thing and it makes you do things that you wouldn't ever believe you could do.

Unfortunately, your heart can deceive you and you can fall in love with the WRONG person. So, this is one of the few cases where I would say ignore your heart and listen to your mind. You know in your mind that this person is causing you to be in a bad situation, but your heart says you can't imagine life without him. You lived without him before and you can do it again.

You can actually find someone that is all he is and not married. Maybe you can't see that now, but it's true. It'll hurt and you'll cry, but in that case don't think about how great he is; think about how great he isn't and why you have to leave. You know what has to be done, but you are maybe in denial cause it hurts too bad. You probably are posting on here in hopes that someone will tell you to stay with him, but you know that's not a good idea.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself. You'll be ready to let go when you're ready. Know you HAVE to do it, but give yourself some time to get used to the idea, and then make your move. Sometimes the best approach is to slowly back away. Don't force yourself and say "I'm never going to see or talk to him again." To you that seems impossible and you will be more likely to take him back. Just fade out. And if you want, you can go back and read my post called "I really need advice" You may be able to relate to my situation. And there's some good advice there as well. I finally gave up on the relationship and got out. It hurts, but I know I'll be better off in the long run. And you can do the same! Good luck!

SantaBaby

09-28-2005, 08:12 AM

Thanks guys for all your advice
& mainly thanks for understanding & not bashing me.
I really appreciate it.

I told my OM that if he's not out by Nov. 6, which he said he is, that we should just face the fact that he isn';t leaving & we should just be friends.
I can't wait any longer. I deserve better.

Thanks again u guys were soooooo nice.
The other website i posted on, ripped me another *******. They were really mean.

CabinFever

09-28-2005, 08:30 AM

Good for you, for setting a firm deadline and staying strong. I know how hard it can be to have to accept something like this, especially after so much time together. Glad you were brave enough to post here after getting bashed elsewhere! And, stick around, even if you aren't in a relationship!!

MerAlove23

09-28-2005, 08:34 AM

Santa baby we aren't here to bash people but to help people... even if our advice isn't what you want to hear but it should be respectful at the same time...

Everyone here gave GREAT Advice....However my only advice is yes you need to get out of this situation and he is married.... and unfortunatly he is using you because he has his cake and he's eating it to.... Personally I wouldn't even give him a time... to get out of the marriage... because if he can lie to the woman he is committed to and exchanged vows with...e ven if he left her He would find it that easy to lie to you also.... and then you'd be in the same shoes as his wife is now.... I feel terrible for his wife though.....She has no idea that she's living under a roof with a man that is selfish and truely deceiptful.....YOu got caught up in a common trap....I wish I could say you don't play a part in this but you do because you knew he had a wife... at this point I think you should look at this in his Wife's shoes and think how you would feel if it was you...You will find happiness but you need to find it where it is available....

wvdreamer

09-28-2005, 08:24 PM

As you all know, i am 32 & my OM is 53. We have been together for 3 years come Nov. 6. We are happy as can be, except for 1 thing. He is married.
This is already a bad thing. I understand you have feelings for the guy, but he is already taken. This relationship is a disaster waiting to happen.

He has been telling me for the passed year, since last June 2004 that he plans on leaving his wife, but hasn't yet.
Your friend sounds like he is torn between leaving his wife for you and honoring the commitment he made to her. He knows deep down the consequences of a divorce, especially once it surfaces he has cheated on his wife for three years. The results on all parties concerned are going to be devastating. That is one reason why adultery is wrong.

We have an apartment together & spend a lot of time together. But he still hasn't left his wife.
This is another ingredient in the recipe for disaster. His wife cannot be so clueless she doesn't suspect her husband is doing something behind her back. He may not leave her, but she may figure out what's happening and leave him...without prior warning. Should she wake up and file for divorce, your friend will find himself taken to the cleaners. You may end up losing him either by him leaving you due to a guilty conscience, or he may die of a heart attack or commit suicide. This may sound a bit extreme, but this stuff does happen.

I don't know what to do anymore!! Nov. 6 will be 3 years that we have been together & he's not budging!!!!!!!!!! I don't think i could wait any longer, but i also can't picture my life without him in it. Please don't be too harsh on me, I never meant for this to happen.
I don't think I am beng too harsh, but I do not condone any relationship that will jeopardize a marriage. Regardless of your feelings for this man, he has feelings for his wife and may be having second thoughts about continuing the affair. I agree with some of the others that it would be wise to seek help to overcome your feelings for him and move on to a man who is not attached. Let him go and allow him to sort his life out at home. That is his #1 priority.

I also understand many people start off as friends and allow their emotions to get the better of them, resulting in messy situations like this. Now is the time to leave before it gets any worse.

L J

09-29-2005, 10:36 AM

I think that everyone here has given you excellent advice.

I, myself, was in a similar situation recently. Although my OM and I have been close friends for over two years, we only in the past several months took our relationship to a new level. He was married when we made that step.

When we first began seeing each other (in that sense) we discussed that it was going to be "no-strings" and just fun. Well... we wound up falling head over heels (I know, corney) in love. And we still are.

He left his wife almost after just one month of us seeing each other- and hasn't looked back. We bought a home together and his divorce will be final soon.

During the month that it took him to get his affairs in order to leave her, I had a lot of doubts. I wondered if he was going to string me along.... for years even. I made the decision that I would give him 45 days (from the day he told me he was going to leave her) and if that 45 days passed and he hadn't left, I was moving to Birmingham (where I'm from and had been considing going back to for a while) and not looking back.

You can't put your life on hold for anyone. If this man loves you like he says he does, he would have left already. I realize that leaving one's wife and going through a divorce is an extremely painful process... I am seeing that first-hand right now. But, if he loves you and truly wants to spend his life with you, he would have done it by now.

You deserve more than this- more love, more respect, and more commitment. I am so sorry that you are in this difficult situation, but I am certain that once you are out of it you will realize that life has bigger and better things in store for you.

Good luck,

Laura

SantaBaby

09-29-2005, 02:36 PM

Laura

that is go great the he did leave. I hear most of them don't.
Does he have kids? If so how old?

Mine says the main reason why he's having trouble is because he doesn't want to shatter his daughters lives. They are 18 & 17. One just left home for college, the other one goes to college next year.

I guess i know what i have to do come our 3 year. This can't go on for 3 more years & he won;t leave.

Thanks all again for your advice & not ripping me apart like the other website

L J

09-29-2005, 02:46 PM

Yes, he has a daughter, she's 3. He initally told me (when we were just friends he told me this) that there was no way he could divorce his wife until his daughter was grown and gone. It didn't take him long to figure out that his daughter is better off having a happy father and getting to grow up influenced by a loving, caring, considerate married couple (us) than having a father that is so miserable that he is only around when his wife is at work (so he can see his child) and parents that so obviously are indifferent to one another.

I really do hope everything works out for the best for you... whatever that might be. Please keep us posted- we will never rip you apart. =)

downunder

09-29-2005, 02:48 PM

Hi
I am in a similar situation, in that i am thinking i might have to bail out of my relationship - and its so scary and hard to think about, especially when you love the other person! But you have to think about yourself first and foremost! Dont forget that women unfortunately (unlike men) cant really waste the years from 30-40, if you want kids you have to think about this. Scary as it is, you have to start planning long term, where do you see yourself in 5 years ? married with kids ? or still chasing a dream that will never eventuate. No matter how tough it feels for you now, trying to meet someone will only get harder, the more years you waste on this guy. Listen, if you leave him and he doesn't come for you it was never meant to be. A guy who loves you truely, will not let you go, no matter the hurdles. Anyway thats what i like to beleive. Good luck, and be strong.

fos4snt

09-29-2005, 02:50 PM

I really do hope everything works out for the best for you... whatever that might be. Please keep us posted- we will never rip you apart. =)

Agreed. Definitely keep us posted SantaBaby. We only wish the best for YOU. I could, of course, smack your OM upside the head without a second thought... but you... you, I only wish the best for. Happiness and unconditional love from a good, honest man. ;)
~phos

CabinFever

09-29-2005, 08:31 PM

Good point, Cherubino. I don't even think this is a good excuse if the kids are young, but these are in their late teens. His "kids" can handle this, and they likely are already quite aware that something is up with their parents' marriage.

SantaBaby

09-30-2005, 10:38 AM

Hello
Thanks for all the advice
I really appreciate it

If you guys think the daugthers excuse is BS
Why do u think the real reason is?

maybe the $$$, maybe starting over & having kids with me.

we have such a great love

CabinFever

09-30-2005, 10:44 AM

SantaBaby, I don't have any experience with this sort of situation, but some ideas are:
a.) maybe he likes things the way they are - he's got the best of both worlds

b.) he's afraid of making the leap - it's a hard thing to walk away from a marriage that he's had for a long time - ie. he wants to let go but part of him is holding on.

c.) maybe he has doubts about your relationship and is worried about losing you and his wife and being alone???

There could be a million different reasons I guess. Or maybe there's elements of a number that are all holding him where he is. Who knows, maybe he doesn't even know. What's important, I think, is that you know what YOU want, and need, and stay true to that.

((((hugs)))) I can just imagine how difficult this must be for you. Stay strong.

SantaBaby

10-01-2005, 07:41 AM

MerAlove23

10-01-2005, 08:57 AM

Hello

Yeah i have no idea what the reasons are. We went to dinner last night for his birthday & had sooooooo much fun. We just have such a great time together just laughing the whole time. So come Nov. 6, our 3 year, if he doesn't leave, then i'm gonna have to let him go.

I can't let this continue any longer. The longer it goes, the harder it will be.
Its going to be impossible, but i have to do it.

Santa Baby... I'm sorry but what I'm going to say may not be what you want to hear... but remember I'm a wife... and I have a husband and you are showing no remorse or no concern for his wife. A woman who hasn't got a clue her husband is being unfaithful and deceiptful. While you both were having "fun" what do you think his wife was doing? How do you think she would feel if she knew he was out with another woman? You are becoming just as much to blame for this as he is now..... He knows better and so do you... but you both keep letting it happen

I don't think you realize that what you have is not a "great" love it's an affair. Yes you have fallen in love with him but he's unavailable. I truely don't doubt that you love him.. However he doesn't love you.... He doesn't even love his wife.. he doesn't even LOVE himself....You need to stop going out with him and stop talking to him......and I agree with Cherub you need to GET OUT and you probably should confront his wife and let her know what a "dog" she's married to.... Well that's what I would do... How would you like it if you were the Wife? THis is sad situation and unfortunatly I don't have respect for what you are doing ...you know he has a wife and you know she doesn't know.....It's not like he's lying to you and you don't know because that would be a DIFFERENT story.....their shouldn't be a choice... He's Married. thats it... He is not a good man... He's a coward and again His poor wife!!

SantaBaby

10-01-2005, 10:41 AM

TxCaramel

10-01-2005, 10:57 AM

fos4snt

10-01-2005, 11:21 AM

I'm just going to say this again... because you need to hear it, hon. LOVE is not a feeling or a word that is spoken. Love is an ACTION. Actions speak louder than words.

Do his actions in all things peak of his undying love for you? Truly? Think about it.
~phos

MerAlove23

10-01-2005, 11:46 AM

Mer -

Yes i know what we are doing isn't right, but things happen that u don't plan on in life. NO one's life is perfect. Yes, I know my OM loves me with all his heart. We have a love that people search their whole lives for! So u saying he doesn't love me, is just not true.

I never felt a love so strong in my life, i could honestly say. Yes, he is married, but i never planned to fall in love with a married man. Call it what u want, but i only wish u had the love like we do with your OM. I don't think there is a stronger love than ours.

Life throws u curve balls sometimes & this is my curve ball. People get into positions that they NEVER dreamed of, this is called life.

Santa baby what are you talking about a love as strong as yours? I don't WANT a love like yours.. I want a LOVE like MINE... Remember I'm happily married to a man who is committed to me and ME alone....I truely feel your making excuses.. you know this love is wrong you just said it.. but true love isn't wrong when it's available..... You have to understand what his wife is going thru.... remember one day You could be in his wife's shoes ......But Please don't wish that kind of Love on me..... I don't want a married man I want the Man I married and Had my beautiful Child with.... Everyone has love and it's theirs .... you can't say yours is the strongest because no one has the strongest they have THEIR love.... and thats all that matters...your right life does throw you curve balls and we need to learn how to dodge them. If he loved you, really loved you .. you wouldn't be in the position you are in...

I truely feel that you are in a destructive relationship.. Your issues aren't age related it is called Adultery...You said he can't make a decision... You said that he won't divorce his wife... if thats true then how do you consider that love? and thats stronger than me and my husband that are committed and married for 2 years now and together for 4? SantaBaby I'm sorry that again you are not liking what I am saying... I'm sorry your in this situation... I just feel you show no remorse towads his poor wife.... It seems like you are ok with this...How about if you were married would you like your Husband doing this? ??? Please put your shoes in His wifes shoes......

greeneyedgirl

10-01-2005, 12:27 PM

Yes i know what we are doing isn't right, but things happen that u don't plan on in life.
Yes, he is married, but i never planned to fall in love with a married man.

Life throws u curve balls sometimes & this is my curve ball. People get into positions that they NEVER dreamed of, this is called life.

gotta chime in here.

you're making excuses for ya'lls behavior.

sure, life throws curve balls, you didn't plan it, life.

But!!!! for the past almost THREE years, you've known. you've been fully aware. and yet you continue to be deceitful and sneak around with another woman's husband. this 'curve ball' you've been dealt.....you've made no efforts to avoid it. yes, you didn't plan it, but for almost 3 years you've condoned and participated in it.

this november time frame? no no no. Now.
no time like the present and that goes for owning your role in this and him doing something other than trip trip tripin' along with two women in his bed.

his birthday that you spent together. how in the world do you think his wife felt at home and he was out on his birthday????

i find the situation entirely sad. i find your inability to make an adult decision unfortunate.

but you know the situation. you know the hurt you two are causing an unawares woman.

i wish you the best. i do.
and i know that often times more than not the most noble actions one can take are the ones that hurt us the deepest.

don't you think that the true measure of this man's great love for you would be to BE with you??? he's had almost 3 years to do so. methinks one more month isn't going to change things much.

Tracy

Enoch_Cain

10-01-2005, 12:55 PM

kathyw

10-01-2005, 01:34 PM

I do not want to sound harsh in writing this but if you have been with this married man for 3yrs he is only using you.....I personally think it sounds like you are his little something on the side and in a way I feel bad for you but you knew exactly what you were getting into......This man is never going to leave his wife for you because if he were planning to he would have already done so like has been stated previously......I say end it now and find someone who is single because he is eventually going to end a relationship and it isnt going to be the one with his wife.

I agree with Enouch here...umm...I can't tell you how many times I've seen this exact same situation...and no, the guy is not going to leave his wife...if he were...he would have done it long ago...additionally, would you ever be able to trust someone who was cheating on his wife to be with you...long term? I know I wouldn't. You deserve much better than this...feel better about yourself...do whatever that takes...and you'll find...in the long run that he was probably just a crutch you needed for a time...we all make mistakes..if we "learn" from them we are wise...if we keep making the same one over and over...errr...well....you know..

SantaBaby

10-01-2005, 07:16 PM

~Guinavere~

10-01-2005, 08:04 PM

MerAlove23

10-01-2005, 09:14 PM

I know what i'm doing is wrong, but i am not the one cheating on my husband, he is cheating on his wife. He should be the one that feels bad, not me. No i don't feel bad for his wife. She is very rude to him with the things she says to him. So me being out with him last night for his birthday didn't bother me at all, I actually was happy & wouldn't have it any other way. His wife wouldn't have done anything for him for his birthday.

Yes i know actions speak louder than words, so we will see come Nov. 6. My OM is not using me. It is easier to go out & find someone in a bar if he was just using me for sex, he wouldn't date someone from work,him being Senior Vice President of our company. He never missed work with pleasure in all his years of work, but when he met me, he said something happened to him that he can't explain. He fell in love with me before he even kissed me. We didn't do anything until 3 months into our relationship. He pays for our apartment & bills - $2000 a month, i think if he just wanted sex, he could go out & get it from someone & it would have been a lot cheaper.

I'm not here for people to respect me or say its ok with what is happening with me. I'm sure there are a lot of women out there in my position & i am just looking for advice.

SantaBaby... i'm sorry you got plenty of advice.... I think your trying to find somewhere thats going to Validate the cheating and unfortunatly No one will do that....

Yes he is CHEATING on his wife... and that alone says a LOT about this man... he's not trustworthy.. Now remember He fell in LOVE with his wife .. and married her for a reason....She may be rude but ever think maybe shes hurting because of him? Maybe he is part of the problem... It's not usually one persons fault you know...... I'm sure you wouldn't like it if the shoes were on your feet......I agree if his marriage isn't working then he needs to break free alone and when he's DIVORCED then and ONLY then should he be pursuing a relationship.... I didn't realize you worked for him to... I am sorry your not getting the answers you want.... I really feel for you.. but if he loved you... TRUELY loved YOU then He would of divorced his wife 3 years ago....You should feel bad and so should he.....for what you both are doing to this woman..... When she finds out she is going to be devistated ... and no matter what there is no need for that.... and I'm sorry at first I really felt you wanted help from us... and it seems like you just want justification for the adultery.....I hope to god his wife finds out and takes him to court for everything he has!!

I feel terrible because you are the one going to get hurt here... we are trying to help you see that... but unless your open for feedback and advice Unfortunatly it won't work

I'm sure others are in your shoes... that still doesn't make it right.. it makes it scary to get married and truely trust your husband..... To know that their are men out there who have no hearts and no morals to go and cheat on their wives and Husbands if its the wife cheating... and sad thing is that so many come home to their wives or husbands with sexually transmitted diseases and pass them off to their spouses because of their weakness, cowardness, and infidelity......

Good Luck to you....

kathyw

10-02-2005, 09:40 AM

Santababy says "I know what i'm doing is wrong, but i am not the one cheating on my husband, he is cheating on his wife. He should be the one that feels bad, not me. No i don't feel bad for his wife. She is very rude to him with the things she says to him. So me being out with him last night for his birthday didn't bother me at all, I actually was happy & wouldn't have it any other way. His wife wouldn't have done anything for him for his birthday.

Yes i know actions speak louder than words, so we will see come Nov. 6. My OM is not using me. It is easier to go out & find someone in a bar if he was just using me for sex, he wouldn't date someone from work,him being Senior Vice President of our company. He never missed work with pleasure in all his years of work, but when he met me, he said something happened to him that he can't explain. He fell in love with me before he even kissed me. We didn't do anything until 3 months into our relationship. He pays for our apartment & bills - $2000 a month, i think if he just wanted sex, he could go out & get it from someone & it would have been a lot cheaper.

I'm not here for people to respect me or say its ok with what is happening with me. I'm sure there are a lot of women out there in my position & i am just looking for advice."

Umm did we hit a nerve??

A couple of other things to consider would be that he's footing the bills so you don't discuss (spread around the messy details) the relationship with a lot of other people within the company...and in addition, he is not only using poor judgment by cheating on his wife (whom you both say is "rude" ...errr...helllllloooo....every married guy who cheats (and/or has a mistress on the side) says this about his wife...two sides to every story hon), he has also used poor judgment by getting involved with an employee of the company he works for...I really hope he's not your supervisor....and btw..just for the record...the way this is all going to "go down" is as follows:

The big day comes when he is supposed to be yours forever and ever ...that all important date that he says he's finally going to "leave" wifey etc. etc and blah blah blah...this date will come and go...he'll come up with other excuses not to leave...and this will go on and on...for as long as you let it....so I hope you don't mind having someone elses seconds...cos that is exactly what you're going to get from this guy. Don't you think you deserve more??? (Nevermind that his wife definitely doesn't deserve this kind of treatment..regardless of what he's told you about her...do you know her personally?? I'm sure you don't..therefore it's only hearsay) :confused:

SantaBaby

10-02-2005, 10:24 AM

MerAlove23

10-02-2005, 10:49 AM

Hi

No i am not fincially dependent on him. I have saved ALOT of money throught the years. I don't need his at all. Thats not why i am with him.

No i never met his wife, so i don't know how she treats him.
& just for the record, we have been together for 3 years however, I broke up with him 2x the first year due to our age gap. I wasn't comfortable with it in the beginniing however, i got over that.

So the first year i didn't want him to leave his wife, cause i was unsure, this sight helped me get over that. I have been waiting for him to leave only for the passed year not 3 years.

Come nov. 6 if he isn't out, i am walking away, i will not continue to be the OW any longer

SantaBaby your 32 years old... Your old enough to realize that this is not love.... I could understand if you were in your teens and confused..... I think your just deluding yourself with the nov 6th thing this should of been OVER the day you found out he was married... In other words it should of NEVER happened..... Even if his marriage isn't stellar hes still commited with children. You have allowed him to Use you.. and Nov 6 I know your not going to be happy....

You just admitted you don't know his wife and you have no idea how she treats him... what if she is sitting at home thinking that her marriage is ok and her husband is just busy working etc......How sad is that.. I truely feel your being selfish and you really need to realize that your hurting many lives.... What about when she finds out? she's going to be DEVISTATED... how about the Kids????

How would you like it if it was your Parents? I know if my father EVER cheated on my mom I would be LIVID.....and the people that are being hurt don't deserve this.... and You can NOT say your not part of this because your in this WILLINGLY.... I don't think you take the word Love seriously or Marriage...b ecause if you did you would realize that what your doing is not love...

I know I am taking this situation bad because I'm a Married woman who is very much in love with my husband and Whom I know is committed to me and ME ONLY... and I know how I would feel if I ever came home and found my husband with some woman..... It would crush me... You have no idea what your doing to her.... even if she doesn't know... Her HUSBAND is a lying cheater and a SNAKE.... and he has slithered into your life and you let it....

And the worse thing is he is YOUR BOSS.... This situation is really making me sad to thinkt here are people out there who just do not CARE about others.....

If you don't need his money then why are you taking it? He has created a Love shack for you both....

We do not condone what your doing.... and again I truely feel you want some acceptance and we don't accept this.... what you and he are doing is wrong and the worst part you know hes married......

I hope this doesn't happen to you ..... Because I do believe in Karma and Unfortunatly I do believe this will happen to you.... and then you'll see how destructive this behavior is by BOTH of you.....

I hope his wife still sues him for everything he's worth and he ends up in the poor house!

SantaBaby

10-02-2005, 11:07 AM

MerAlove23

10-02-2005, 11:15 AM

Mer
U feel what u feel.
I am not taking his money, he is paying all the bills & won't let me pay a penny.

Him & his wife have just existed for the passed 20 years. He travels alot & when he is home she is not. I strongly believe that if a marriage is happy, no one can break it up! She lives down the shore for the whole summer, what kind of marriage is that.

They do not get along anymore. The only thing that is keeping him from leaving is that committment that he has to his daughters.

Anyway, yes like i said come nov. 6, if he didn't leave i'm out.
& i will not tell his wife, who will that hurt? her & there's no reason to do that.

MY man is NOT my boss. He is my boss's boss, not mine.

You are already hurting her she just doesn't realize it yet... Your right if a marriage isn't happy it won't last... but hes still there...

I do feel a little betrayed also I just got thru reading thru all your posts...because you didn't tell us the whole story..... because If I knew then what I know now I couldn't in my right mind give congrats to this relationship.....

I can NOT UNDERSTAND why you keep justifying what you are doing... and I don't see how you see this as LOVE....3 years no divorce.. and you say I'm jealous of that... :rolleyes: :eek:

I think your in a trap and your so far in you keep saying its ok its ok long enough you start believing that....

Again, I am askingyou seriously How would you truely feel if you were his wife? and he was cheating on you? Or How about if your father was cheating on your mother how would you feel? DOes your parents know he's married? and they are ok with this?

MerAlove23

10-02-2005, 11:22 AM

I just don't get the Nov 6 part.

:confused:

Supposidly if he doesn't leave and divorce his wife by Nov 6th she's breaking it off..... :rolleyes:

bubbleee

10-02-2005, 02:50 PM

Hi Santa Baby,

Welcome to the forum.

I've been an executive secretary in my past life and have seen what you are describing as your situation and whether he actually leaves his wife for you is a 50-50 shot. The 2000 a month he is paying for bills is really a small fraction of what he will have to give his wife as financial settlement if they divorce. In most states she will get half his retirement, stock options, financial portfolio, property plus child support and possibly alimony. If he is a high ranking executive in a large company, that amounts to a LOT of money. And even though you don't work for him directly, you are in his management chain, and it could cause problems for him to have a relationship with you. I honestly don't know for sure.

I would suspect his wife knows something is going on but turns a blind eye because she likes the life she has. I've seen it SO many times. She's got social standing, she can stay at home and take care of the kids, wears fine clothing and jewelry, and spend summers at the shore. Perhaps he's had other affairs, here and there, because men who are powerful are incredibly attractive and sexy to women. BUT she's married to him and he's hers legally, whether he wishes to be there or not. To be the wife of an executive isn't all it's cracked up to be, but it certainly has it's financial rewards.

Cheating means little in these circles, as I'm sure Santa Baby knows. Rich and powerful men are used to getting what they want, when they want it. Women are just bit players in the larger scheme of things whether you are the wife or the girlfriend. If he leaves his wife, then everyone knows the real score, he gives up some face, alot of money, perhaps his children, all for the want of you.

This is a high stakes game, Santa Baby, and you might win, but you might go home empty handed. The only way you can take the power back to you is make the choice that is right for you and waiting around three years doesn't seem to be it.

You've come this far. Everybody has told you this is wrong, and you know that it is. But you also know that if it isn't you he's involved with, it would be someone else kind of like you, because that is the way he is.

It's a risk I wouldn't take. I'd walk while I had my dignity intact and tell this man who always gets his way to get lost. He honestly has questionable staying power.

I hope this advice has helped you in some way.

kathyw

10-02-2005, 02:56 PM

CabinFever

10-02-2005, 03:03 PM

TxCaramel

10-02-2005, 03:06 PM

The only thing that is keeping him from leaving is that committment that he has to his daughters..

they are 18 and 17 give me a break.

kathyw

10-02-2005, 03:21 PM

they are 18 and 17 give me a break.

I know..huh. He is using all the standard excuses...come time for him to go...he'll come up with something else good..trust me...I've seen this happen so many times...and it always turns out the same...never once have I seen it go any other way...the wife may be just biding her time...that's what I'd be doing if I were her...then trust me..I'd find the best attorney in the area...and he'ed wish he never saw my face. :mad:

MerAlove23

10-02-2005, 03:25 PM

I know..huh. He is using all the standard excuses...come time for him to go...he'll come up with something else good..trust me...I've seen this happen so many times...and it always turns out the same...never once have I seen it go any other way...the wife may be just biding her time...that's what I'd be doing if I were her...then trust me..I'd find the best attorney in the area...and he'ed wish he never saw my face. :

Not only is he going to be ripped thru the mudd.. his mistress will also....

I Just wish that Santa would realize that this is NOT LOVE... it's disrespectful, selfish, and cruel.

Doesn't Marriage and Commitment mean anything anymore????? :confused: :confused: :confused:

MerAlove23

10-02-2005, 03:27 PM

Ahh, wise woman Kathy! And, I'd also wonder how she wouldn't know after all this time...I can't see how she wouldn't wonder where the money for the apartment etc is going. Who knows what's actually going on in the marriage?

I agree... maybe his wife is in denial? or maybe shes just gathering enough crap on him.. or maybe yeah she does like this lifestyle ... it's such a shame though....They may have just had a rough patch in the marriage but now after this infidelity issue the marriage has no chance of true trust and commitment...

kathyw

10-02-2005, 03:28 PM

Not only is he going to be ripped thru the mudd.. his mistress will also....

I Just wish that Santa would realize that this is NOT LOVE... it's disrespectful, selfish, and cruel.

Doesn't Marriage and Commitment mean anything anymore????? :confused: :confused:

Apparently not to some people Mer...neither do morals or ethics I guess...kind of sad actually...it makes me very......sad. :(

SantaBaby

10-02-2005, 05:10 PM

Yes, marriage & commitment mean a lot to me. I will never cheat on my husband & i will be very loyal. I don't know what u guys are saying that. I am not cheated on my husband, i would have a very loyal marriage.

Yes, like i said the first 5 years of my OM's marriage was good, the last 20 they just existed. The wife would never leave him, she hasn't worked in 25 years, lives down the shore & shops every single day, who would leave that?

Yes if he leaves, the wife will get 1 million, plus $3000 child support & a lot in alimony. So yes, she will be very wealthy if he does leave. If she doesn't know by now, she's not going to ever find out.

My OM takes care of the money, she doesn't see the apartment checks, etc. He pays for all our trips, jewlery gifts, etc. on his credit cards for the passed 3 years.
The apartment is in his name, not mine. He does all the money stuff, she doesn't see anything. I;m not the one lying to anyone, so i don't feel sorry for anything i've done, him on the other hand, hr should feel bad, but like i said they have a horrible marriage.

Just because he is in a bad marriage don;t mean that this isn't love. I don't care what u guys say. We have the love that people search their lifetime for.

MerAlove23

10-02-2005, 05:29 PM

Yes, marriage & commitment mean a lot to me. I will never cheat on my husband & i will be very loyal. I don't know what u guys are saying that. I am not cheated on my husband, i would have a very loyal marriage.

If Marriage and commitement mean anything to you you wouldn't be in this relationship... you would of NEVER got involved...... So this doesn't apply to your OM? Your OM is CHEATING ON HIS WIFE.... This is why we are saying this.....No one said you were cheating on your husband... Your not married.. Your OM is the cheater... and If he ever left his wife and you guys married... You can NOT be sure of a loyal Marriage... your OM has a problem and its called Lying and is definatly NOT trustworthy....so you would NEVER cheat on your husband but it's ok if your husband cheats on you?

Yes, like i said the first 5 years of my OM's marriage was good, the last 20 they just existed. The wife would never leave him, she hasn't worked in 25 years, lives down the shore & shops every single day, who would leave that?

You got thru telling us that you have never met her nor do you know how she feels.... so your ONLY going from what your OM tells you.. He's already been LYING to her for YEARS and he's ALREADY lying to you for 3 years.... This is why you have a deadline of Nov. 6 because he's lied about leaving his wife....
and why would she have to work? if hes supporting her and she's taking care of the children.. so what? My mother hasn't worked in YEARS.....My mom and Dad are married for 32 years and VERY happy and VERY committed... so that doesn't mean anything....

Yes if he leaves, the wife will get 1 million, plus $3000 child support & a lot in alimony. So yes, she will be very wealthy if he does leave. If she doesn't know by now, she's not going to ever find out.

She deserves it.... You may not be the first one hes cheated on her with..

My OM takes care of the money, she doesn't see the apartment checks, etc. He pays for all our trips, jewlery gifts, etc. on his credit cards for the passed 3 yearsThe apartment is in his name, not mine. He does all the money stuff, she doesn't see anything. I;m not the one lying to anyone, so i don't feel sorry for anything i've done, him on the other hand, hr should feel bad, but like i said they have a horrible marriage.
.

Oh brother....this keeps getting worse... I wish you could truely see with a clear mind what your saying here....He's left you with nothing.. so when NOV 6th comes you will have to MOVE OUT... and you'll have nothing... it's all in his name ... and guess what she is his wife... she CAN find out... and SHE WILL eventually.... truth always comes out.....You should feel sorry for what you are doing.... I can't even believe at your age you can not realize what you are doing is just as bad because YOU KNOW HES MARRIED.... and you are In love with a man who LIES,, CHEATS, AND DECEIVES.... That makes you happy? to know that the man you love can not be truthful? He lies to you on a daily basis and I can not believe you feel NO REMORSE....Most women who are the "mistresses" never win... however majority don't realize they are not the only one.. usually when they find out the cheater is married they LEAVE because they know their self worth and they know it's not right and it's immoral....you are one of the few who don't care who they hurt.. You and your OM are both selfish.....and the more I think about this the more I know that Karma is going to go your way... How come you NEVER answered me when i asked you how you would feel if you were the wife? and YOU were being cheated on.....

Just because he is in a bad marriage don;t mean that this isn't love. I don't care what u guys say. We have the love that people search their lifetime for.

If he's in a bad marriage they need to DIVORCE then and ONLY then should you both be together.....You don't need to care what we say.. You came here for advice... and you only want someone to justify your actions... Please understand we are here for "loving" and caring relationships... None of us want our OM and YM or OW and YW cheating on each other... it's not right.. it's not love.. it's selfish and self centered act.....

Your love is NOT what people search for... It's love when two people are committed to each other AND ONLY EACH OTHER... and they spend the rest of their lives happy and together Like Me and MY husband... and tons of other wonderful relationships you see here at ageless love.... None here wishes to find love in a married man....and Love someone who can NOT be theirs.... I know I would NEVER want love like this.... I want a man who would love me and cherish me and adore me and be 100% COMMMITTED to ME....

I'm sorry Santababy But I truely feel that you've been in this for so long that your in pure denial of the truth... You say you know this is wrong.. but you do nothing about it.. this timetable is bogus.....You also say this is love of a lifetime... but the love of a lifetime is NEVER WRONG.....

bubbleee

10-02-2005, 05:56 PM

Santa Baby,

You said in your first posting here that he is not budging and it's been three years and you don't know what to do. I would presume you've been able to save alot of money in those three years because he's paid the bills. So since it's early October I'd start making plans to get my own place in November and leave this behind.

He isn't going to budge because most people aren't going to hand a million dollars over to anyone if they don't have to. I know I wouldn't. It's far less expensive for him to pay the 2,000 a month to have your place together, than give his wife a million plus child suport.

The best way to really see where you stand with him is to get your own place and then tell him you'll have nothing to do with him unless and until he makes steps to end his marriage. You have to fight fire with fire and you're not. You have put yourself in a no power situation. You are under his wing.

There is no way to tell what he will do...but you will know pretty quickly if he can't live without you. Make no mistake about that.

I suspect he's never going to leave his wife for all the reasons you've heard, but you aren't going to know until you hand him his walking papers.

If you think you are doing nothing wrong here as far as morality is concerned, I'm not going to try to change your mind. However, your boyfriend is doing wrong by you, by his wife, by his kids and he needs to get straight with all this. You may very well be right about his marriage being in "name only" on the part of both parties, but you don't need to be the fall guy for his escapades, and you just might be.

Think about it, if you will and stand up to him.

Good luck.

Sdoah1972

10-02-2005, 06:08 PM

I really wanted to avoid posting on this thread because I will have to reveal something shameful, but I feel like it's necessary to help the OP.

When I was 21 I met a wonderful OM. He was excessively intelligent, sexy and had a brilliant sense of humor. He was legally separated from his wife at the time and she lived in the bordering state. We dated very briefly and were only intimate once before his estranged wife came back to attempt a reconcilliation. He wasn't interested until she told him she was pregnant.....with twins. OM and I put everything on the backburner, but remained friends. There was flirtation, but there was no kissing or touching.

Forward two years later. We had gone through many breaks were life would keep us busy and we wouldn't keep in contact. We were friends.....that was it, but we always felt a 'connection'. He had moved back to that bordering state during that two years and low and behold I was promoted and moved to that area as well. We resumed our friendship and he confessed something very, very hurtful for him. The boys, those same twins, were not his, but the product of his wife's affair. He was crushed as he had made those boys his life.

Obviously, his marriage was in a very precarious position. I was the only person he would talk to about these things as his father was very sick and soon passed away. So, I became his shoulder to cry on and we fell in love. There was still no sex and no kissing, but we knew we loved one another and believed our love to be that 'once in a lifetime' kind of love. We became closer, I met his boys and we would go to the park together. He couldn't leave his wife because he was afraid of losing those boys that he loved so much. They weren't biologically his and the biological father was supposedly from the richest family in the county. He felt he had no choice. As a 25 year old, who was in love and thought his love was 'pure' because there was no sex........I believed him.

I eventually left my job and returned to my home state,which is only an hour away from his home, there I finished my degree and opened by own business. We remained very good friends who loved each other and always spoke of "I wish....If only......you are the one who should have been". Our love was that once in a lifetime kind of love. *sighs*

Later that year I met my now ex-husband, fell head over heels and got married. I dropped all contact with my OM 'friend' because I knew that he had a certain power over me.

Fast forward five years later. My new husband had cheated on me numerous times to which I lived in denial about for the most part and he became physically and mentally abusive. I refused to share my problems with family members because I didn't want them thinking my husband was a bad guy.....so I contacted that old OM 'friend'. He was very supportive, but those feelings came rushing back for both of us, but nothing happened. My husband decided on a date for separation and at that point my OM 'friend' and I did some heavy kissing. I cheated.....I was wrong.

My divorce goes through and I think things are okay. My OM 'friend' starts to back off. I ask him what the problem was and didn't he love me? His answer, "No, if I loved you I would have left my wife a long time ago." :eek:

I was crushed, needless to say. I just couldn't wrap my brain around it and continued to 'hang' on. I called his cell phone one day and I thought I got disconnected......so I hang up and punch in his number again to *surprise* get his voice mail with a lovely message from another girl. If I did not know better I would have thought it was me. "I'm sorry I missed you. I miss you and hope I get to talk with you before you head home for the weekend."

OMG!!!! Another woman! All that time I thought our love had been pure because there was no sex. All that time I thought his wife was the nightmare, but it was him! Ten years! Ten years of thinking he was this wonderful, mistreated man when in reality he was an emotional cheater. He used women like me to feed his ego. I don't even know if his wife did those things! I don't even know if those boys are really his and that's his 'story' he uses or not.

I recorded the voice message and threatened him severely. But, in reality, I wouldn't call him on it because I wouldn't want to hurt his wife and most especially not his boys. That was more than two years ago.

Since that time I met my YM, healed from my divorce and I've never been happier in my life. I shared this with you to help you. To let you know that they will tell you exactly what they want you to hear.......what you want to hear. Don't believe him. Leave and heal yourself. Your love is tainted and most certainly a lie. It's built on a lie just as mine was built on a lie. We both felt like it was real, to us it was this be all end all love, for them we were a game. RUN!!!

CabinFever

10-02-2005, 06:17 PM

Wow Sdoah. Some guys are just unreal aren't they?? Amazing. I'm glad that you've finally found true love and happiness, especially after what you've been through.

I've become a firm believer in actions. Although I'll always be a romantic, I've learned to keep that side of me in check until I'm sure that a guy's actions demonstrate his love.

fos4snt

10-02-2005, 06:27 PM

Sdoah, that was a beautiful message... Santababy, I hope you hear it. Especially the part about how the foundation of your relationship is based on lies. HIS lies.

Now, think hard about this. Suppose, in your imagination, that he leaves his wife for you. In a years time or so, he wants to marry you. Can you honestly and truthfully tell me you would EVER trust him? Because, I find that utterly unfathomable. A leopard cannot change his spots. HE IS a adulterer. He is a sneak and deceitful and if he would cheat on her, you can count on a couple years down the line when things get bumpy for you in your marriage he will do the same to you. WHY don't you hear this?

People aren't telling you this over and over again because we think you're a horrible person. They're telling you this over and over again because you refuse to hear it. You cannot have a relationship with anyone that is NOT based on trust and respect. HOW can you trust a man who has shown himself as a liar and a cheat? HOW can you respect a man who would do what he has done with you? I'm really curious to know how you can wrap your brain around such twisted thinking and justifications?

It's a sad place you are in your life and its even sadder that you're so utterly clueless and acting as if you're an innocent in this situation. You're not.

And I'm sorry, but the truth DOES hurt when you, especially when you refuse to acknowledge the part you have chosen to play in this whole scenario. You ARE the other woman. You ARE the object of scorn and condemnation to millions of women. You know this. It hurts like hell. And you know that, too.

You will never have a happy future with this man. You will never be able to fully trust him and when things get ugly between you two in the future you will be scared out of your mind, yet again, because you will KNOW he will have some other woman in his bed when he's not home with you. GET A CLUE.

Walk. Now. Save yourself years of agony. Your life and the quality of it has more value than to be someone's mistress.

~phos

MerAlove23

10-02-2005, 06:49 PM

Since that time I met my YM, healed from my divorce and I've never been happier in my life. I shared this with you to help you. To let you know that they will tell you exactly what they want you to hear.......what you want to hear. Don't believe him. Leave and heal yourself. Your love is tainted and most certainly a lie. It's built on a lie just as mine was built on a lie. We both felt like it was real, to us it was this be all end all love, for them we were a game. RUN!!!

SD your such a Strong woman.. and I respect you for that!! I know we all make mistakes....and thats ok.. we are human... its up to us to fix them.... You deserve this happiness....

And thanks for sharing this to help her.... Its sad because they know how to manipulate..... and unfortunatly you lived it first hand..... :(

MerAlove23

10-02-2005, 06:52 PM

People aren't telling you this over and over again because we think you're a horrible person. They're telling you this over and over again because you refuse to hear it. You cannot have a relationship with anyone that is NOT based on trust and respect. HOW can you trust a man who has shown himself as a liar and a cheat? HOW can you respect a man who would do what he has done with you? I'm really curious to know how you can wrap your brain around such twisted thinking and justifications?

~phos

Fos your always spot on.... I know I'm not continuing this because I think she's a Horrible person.... I do think her decisions are poor and uncaring...but Its like when you tell a lie long enough you start to believe it..... and this is where she is at....

SantaBaby

10-02-2005, 08:15 PM

MerAlove23

10-02-2005, 08:24 PM

First of al Mer u think i'm a horrible person?
I could careless what u think of me to be honest. You really don't want to know what i think about you! & by the way Mer, if u read my posts right, i do not live in the apartment that he pays for. I live in a house, if he doesn't leave, i won't be losing everything, i will be losing nothing. I didn't pay a penny for the apartment.

I know what u r all saying. SD, thanks for sharing your story. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Santa baby reread the post.... I did NOT say you were a horrible person... I said I am not continuing my advice and my disapproval because I think your a horrible person so You are mistaken....However I do think your being uncaring and in denial... but not a horrible person...and you may think what you like about me.. Im just usually honest and truthful and a caring person... I just don't care for cheating.. I am married and I can't tell you how sacred marriage is to me... and to me you and your OM don't have any regard for that.....

I am reading your posts and I know you said you don't "live" there.... I was trying not to call it a "love Shack"

Santa I'm sorry your upset and I'm sorry that your in this situation... however you have the power to get out.... you just choose not to see the signs

SantaBaby

10-03-2005, 08:10 AM

kathyw

10-03-2005, 08:15 AM

Ok guys

u will be proud of me sort of
i just wrote my OM that i am getting fed up with our situation

i said that i'm waiting for something that is never going to happen

i am soooooooooo aggrivated with waiting almost 1 1/2 years for him to leave
i'm thinking about walking away real soon

(((Hugs))) I am proud of you...pm me if you need to talk ok? I am not judging you...I've just seen this kind of thing turn out badly way to many times SB...keep us posted.

greeneyedgirl

10-03-2005, 08:18 AM

Ok guys

u will be proud of me sort of
i just wrote my OM that i am getting fed up with our situation

i said that i'm waiting for something that is never going to happen

i am soooooooooo aggrivated with waiting almost 1 1/2 years for him to leave
i'm thinking about walking away real soon

THAT'S what i'm talkin' bout!!!!

baby steps if need be, but good for you for being your own best friend !!! (((((hug))))

CabinFever

10-03-2005, 08:26 AM

Good for you!! You know, I have this feeling you are going to feel so much better when this is out in the open between you and your OM and is finally dealt with once and for all.

SantaBaby

10-03-2005, 08:33 AM

awwwwwwwwwwww thanks Kathy that is very nice of you
& all the others too

I really am not really a bad person I am the most loving caring person that u
willl ever meet, really!

I just sick of him just ignoring the whole situation & the years flying by.

CabinFever

10-03-2005, 08:35 AM

Santababy, I totally know what you mean. I spent 7 years in a relationship, 5 of which I wanted more of a committment, while he was flip-flopping back and forth. It just wasn't meant to happen, and I wanted it to so badly, that I guess I just didn't see the reality of the situation. I hate to see someone else sitting in the same sort of situation, waiting for something that is just not going to happen.

fos4snt

10-03-2005, 08:49 AM

(((((HUG))))) SantaBaby. You DESERVE to be loved solely and to not have to share your man with someone else. You can get through this... don't fall for his BS any longer. Hang tough.

And you have friends here who care for you... so when your resolve is shaky, come back for some reinforcements. ;)
~phos

SantaBaby

10-03-2005, 01:07 PM

Hi

ok i told my OM & he said he thought the date was nov. 6
so i did agree to giving him til nov. 6

so i will & see what happens
if he's not out, i am leaving

for good this time

Mishigas73

10-03-2005, 01:16 PM

Good for you santababy. I think that we all know that what you are going through is difficult, and we will be here to support you.

Remember this, before you get embroiled in more "discussions" about how "if you're really in love, you wouldn't do this...". In every definition of the word "love" that I have ever seen, there is the word *ineffable*. Love, by its very nature, is something that cannot be explained. It is felt, actions are taken because of it...but to actually explain "why" you love someone is impossible.

In the time that I have been with my OM, I have been knee-deep in my own mishigas (Yiddish for "craziness") as well as his (hence my SN). I have been to what I thought was my breaking point several times. Why? Because I kept thinking about what I had learned about what love was. From my parents, friends...from all of my years of living. However, the one thing I never really did in all that time was actually look within *myself*, and say "is this love, to ME?".

And, this is the point about the *ineffability* of love. No one can tell you that you don't know what love is. You have to search within yourself, and find that answer for *you*. I did it, and I am still with my man. Because I am secure in my love for him, all of the statements like "how can you love someone like *that*" pretty much roll off my back.

You have apparently done a lot of soul-searching about this in the time that you have been with him. And it is quite apparent that you *know* that this is not the best situation for you, and that in that great "pro vs con" equation that we all should be making in our relationships, the cons severely outweigh the pros. So, go with that feeling. And, do yourself a big favor and don't get wrapped up in what other people may think about this relationship.

Do this for YOU. You are on the right track. You know that you deserve and desire more than this guy will ever be willing to give to you.

Of course, we will all have opinions about the situation...but really, what matters most, is how *you* feel about it. And, the only way that this will be changed is if you go with your own feelings, and not from what anyone else tells you about what "love is".

Keep strong.

CabinFever

10-03-2005, 01:31 PM

Beautiful post, Mishigas!!

And by the way, welcome to ageless!

Mishigas73

10-03-2005, 02:20 PM

Thanks CabinFever (on both counts).

I just hate to see people getting embroiled in these "discussions" when they *know* that they don't like what they're doing. Because, at the end of the day, they serve no practical purpose and it's energy that has been wasted that could have been set toward "fixing the problem".

I don't know, call me a pragmatist... :D

yellowrose

10-03-2005, 03:17 PM

ok i told my OM & he said he thought the date was nov. 6 Tell him you have changed your mind. :cool:

The fact is, this guy could very well be fired for doing what he is doing. If he left his wife first... I don't know... Probably still could be fired.

Santa, do you have friends other than him, that you go out with? Or is your life pretty much revolving around him? If that is the case, you need to start NOW, building a social circle, where you can get busy doing things that do not involve him. This will help you whether you stay with him or not.

I know the feeling of being unable to break up with someone that you love so dearly. But getting involved in other activities will help you become more autonomous and emotionally self reliant.

There is a saying... 'Be careful what you ask for, as you may get it.' I got what I asked for one time, and my life was hell for the next 3 years. Just FYI... Good luck!

L J

10-03-2005, 03:31 PM

Ok, I have just barely skimmed the last few pages. A few things had occured to me that I should have mentioned in my first posts that I didn't.

I am going to be the last one in the world to judge you and tell you what you are doing is morally wrong. Blah. That's just not my place, and not really my concern at all.

What I did want to mention is this. If he DOES decide to leave his wife for you, you are taking on a whole NEW set of problems.

For starters, these days, getting a divorce cost upward of $10,000 and more than one year if there are any kind of assets and/or children involved. That, in itself, is extremely stressful and challenging.

This man has children, and if you married him you would instantly be a stepmother to two teenagers! Being a stepmother is one of the absolute hardest things in the world to do. You are expected to treat these children as your own, to love them and care for them and put up with their teenaged angst and their rebellion and their issues with your relationship to their father just like a birth-mother would, but you don't have the natural, unconditional love there from the start like birth mothers do. Learning to love step-kids isn't something that happens overnight, no matter what anyone tells you. If someone tells you that, you aren't getting the whole story. It takes time to learn to love someone else's kids.

If this man does leave his wife and you marry him, there is a good chance that a good portion of your household income every single month will go to her and the children for many, many years. There is a good chance he will have to continue to pay her morgage and car payment and other expenses.

The fun that y'all have been able to have for the past three years, travel, jewelry, expensive restaurants, that will most likely taper off if not stop altogether.

Expect him to not be able to see you AT ALL during between filing for divorce and the divorce being final. Remember, this typically takes upwards of one year. He will have to watch his every move because, most likely, there will be people watching him. And, if they ever find out about you, you can expect to be watched and followed, as well.

Trust me on all of this- I know. I am currently going through a lot of the things I have mentioned. And I am sure that I have left a lot out.

I love my OM, and I know that I could never be happier with anyone else. But, it is so hard to maintain those loving feelings when dealing with the expense and the stress of his divorce.

Not trying to sway you in any way, just please... think about what you ALL you will be getting if he does leave his wife... because I didn't. I didn't think about any of this, and I wish I had been more prepared. I can't say that it would have changed anything... but I can't say that is wouldn't have, either.

Good luck.
Laura

SantaBaby

10-03-2005, 05:35 PM

Hi

Yes i have many friends besides my OM. I go out with them a few times, movies, shopping, dinner etc. No my like does not revolve around him. One of my good friends booked 5 nights out this month to keep me busy. I have good friends that support me & help me through a lot. Thank god for them!

Laura u r right about all the things involved. I know there will be alot. I will go through anything to be with him. Love can conquer all. Was your OM married when u met? Does he have children? What r your ages? How long did his divorce take?

Ave. Guy

10-03-2005, 06:31 PM

1) Once it becomes to painful for you, then you WILL do something about it.

2) Never ultimatum him, you can ultimatum yourself to make a move if you inform him that, if he does not make move by such and such date then you will make a decision for yourself because it has become to painful for you... (Fair fighting)

3) If he does leave, you have know idea who you will get at the end of his divorce.
So watch out what you wish for, divorce changes you...

This information comes from my personal experience because i have been where he is at.

My partner was so wise. She just told me one day "I love you but this can not go on forever, I'm not asking you to do anything but I'm going to have to leave this relationship because it is becoming to painful for me."

These words put a knife in my heart because i knew I had to make a decision.
Two weeks later I left and have never looked back.
I have no regrets except that we spent 17 years in a crappy marriage..

You have to make decisions that makes sense for you!!! If you can contiunue to wait then wait... But your pain and resentment and fear is flowing through your writings but at some point you have to stand up for yourself...

If you say you can not stay then you must be ready to leave and move on know matter how much it hurts. Know one else can make this decision except you...

Do not give over your power to your OM because his needs and wants obvoiusly don't match up to yours at this point.

SantaBaby

10-04-2005, 09:08 AM

yes i think i am getting to that point where it is hurting me more than making me happy. I get to that point & then there is no return.

I guess i'll wait another few weeks & see if he actually leaves, if not, i have to leave him. & this time i will. I am not listening to the Thanksgiviving , CHristmas, new year's excuses.

L J

10-04-2005, 11:25 AM

Laura u r right about all the things involved. I know there will be alot. I will go through anything to be with him. Love can conquer all. Was your OM married when u met? Does he have children? What r your ages? How long did his divorce take?

I feel that way, too- willing to go through anything to be with him... but oh, girl... it is SO HARD sometimes.
Yes, he was married when we met. We were very casual friends for two years before it developed into anything more. And as it was developing into more was about the same time he decided to end his marriage. Things had been really bad for years, and I think that our friendship and knowning that it was going to turn into more is what gave him the strength to get out of a bad situation.
Yes, he has children, a daughter who is going to be 3 next month.
I am 19, he is 39.
As far as how long the divorce will take... who knows... he JUST got served with his papers Sunday, and I have a feeling it will drag out pretty long. His lawyer says that we can hope for it to be over by March, so our tenative wedding date is April 1st, but it could easily drag out another year, with the court system as backed up as it is.
Its scary... especially the financial aspect of it. We just bought a tiny little house in August, and we have our budget set up to where we are able to save $1600 a month to put in an account to buy some land and build our dream home, but there is a good chance all of that money will get eaten up in legal fees and the divorce settlement.
The entire situation is terrifying. I am in college, and I am scared that we won't be able to afford for me to finish. Neither of us has a decent vehicle. He is driving a 17 year old Ford and I'm driving a 10 year old Jeep just to avoid having that payment. When we met I was driving a new German built luxury car, but I sold it so we could better afford to save for the future.
Both of us are emotional wrecks a good deal of the time. Especially him, having to deal with not knowing when he will get to see his daughter, and whether or not he will retain any rights to her when this is all said and done. Its hard for him to "put me through this" and it bothers him to see me giving up so much. But, again, I just can't imagine living this life without him.
It hard to stay close and connected when so much of our lives are in limbo. We have to put forth a lot of effort every single day to be close and to not let a wedge develope between us because of all this stress.
We want a child together one day, and we don't know that we will ever be able to afford it, we don't know if we will ever be able to get into a bigger place and afford for me to quit my job to stay home and be a mom. Its hard to plan for a future that so many other people have control over.

I hope I gave you some things to think about. If he does decide to leave his wife, I hope y'all will at least learn from our mistakes and be more prepared, legally, when the time comes for him to tell her he wants out.

SantaBaby

10-04-2005, 11:41 AM

Wow, that is alot to cope with L
I wish u the best & hope it all works out.

I know it will be hell if he ever tells his wife he's leaving.
I am prepared to go threw it all. I can't picture my life without him either.
But coming Nov. 6, if he's not out, I'm gone.

I have to be. Its been 3 years, long enough.
Time to sh** of get of the pot, ya know.

Ave. Guy

10-04-2005, 12:09 PM

Quote/ I am not listening to the Thanksgiviving , CHristmas, new year's excuses.[/QUOTE]

I used every one of these excuses plus some others.. It sounds like he has used them on you a number of times?

For him to leave his marriage will be the most devistating and painful things he will ever do. Something else you said above got my attention:
"I will wait a couple more weeks."

My feeling based upon his track record of the last three years.
At some point, I believe you will have to grow some balls because your OM does not seem to have any.

Your happiness must come first!!! You have been waiting 3 years, right?

From what I can see, you have given your OM all the POWER in your relationship.

That POWER is yours for the taking.
You are YOUNG, BEAUTIFUL, SINGLE WOMEN, YOU HAVE EVERYTHING GOING FOR YOU!!!
You are avalible, you are exciting you appear to have many friends...
My dear, you have ALL THE POWER in this relationship, and it is yours for the taking...

How can I say you have all the POWER? Your OM has a wife, kids, family, job, friends, money, property and life style all of which weighs in on his ability to leave where he is at.

Men have two great lies when they are CHEATING on their wives.

1) We will tell you almost anything about how much of a B$%&@H are wives are... The truth usually does not resemble what we have told you...

2) Once you decide to leave this relationship and you tell him, you must expect!
BIG tears and listen to him say ANYTHING to keep you!!!
Watch out for these SAMPLE words.
I love you with all my heart: I will do anything too keep you: I can't live without you: You mean everything to me: You can't leave me like this: You are the most importent person in the world to me: I will leave my wife just as soon as, whatever... and on and on and on... Men do this because we don't want to loose you....
Sorry but "much" of the time there is a shred of truth to these words with a good mix of lies...

All I can say is hear none of it because, when it come to down to it... HIS ACTIONS OR HIS IN-ACTIONS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO... NOT WHAT COMEs OUT HIS MOUTH.. TALK IS CHEAP!!!
HIS ACTIONS DON'T LIE AND THEY HAVE NOT LIED TO YOU FOR THREE YEARS, YOU JUST HAVE NOT BEEN LISTING!!!

As you know dating married men was a gamble if you are planning on having a long term relationship with him.
If you were planning on just having some laughs and "PLAYTIME" then GREAT you accomplished your goal, but that does not appear to be you ... You have gambled three years of your life in your OM and only you can say if its been worth it?

Take the experience and learn something from it!!!

Ave. Guy

10-04-2005, 12:35 PM

LJ and her OM were friends and hooked up pretty much after he out from what i can tell.
You have 3 years worth history, that tells you volumes about him... good and bad!!!

I left my marriage after 17 years with one daughter who was 12 at the time...

I met my GF 9 months for one week before i left. Then she gave me the word we got together for another week and she told me these words... "I can't do this for very much longer"... I left 2 weeks later....

Thank god I was a good judge of a person... Are we lovers? yes... But better yet, were best friends to this day...

Thank god my gf was in another state the entire time until I left and another 1 1/2 years till she moved her...

Her word were, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN YOUR WORDS...

We have been together now for 4 years and some how we survied the divorce and all the b.s. that goes with a nasty break up!!!

Good luck!!!

SantaBaby

10-04-2005, 01:26 PM

Avg guy

Wow, thanks for all the advice & compliments, thats nice of you.
I haven't been waiting 3 years, only 1 1/2 years. The first year i was unsure due to the 21 year age difference. I broke it off 2x, but couldn't live without him just due to a number. He was very patient & told me he'd be there for me for as long it will take me to get over it. He always said " i wish that u would love me just 1/2 as much as i love u". Well now I do & he's not budging.

Last year, it was "i can't do it until the family leaves for the shore: then it was I can't do it before school starts, then i can't to it for thanksgiving, then can't do it around the holidays, then it was can't do it around her birthday, then couldn't do it before my oldest daughter goes to college , now its i can't do it until she gets settled into college. So yes i have heard these excuses before.

Yes thank god i have many friends & a great family. I don't know what i'd do without them all.

L -

My OM grew up with no money. Now that he is Senior Vice President of our company, he has the money & is living the upper class life. Him leaving would mean that he would lose 1/2, or maybe even 3/4 of everything he has. & him being 54, when he is supposed to have the most money to retire, he will have the least. He has to pay for 2 colleges for 4 years,etc.

So his whole life will change. I'm not sure if he will be happy living a medium life instead of upper class.

WE will see

SantaBaby

10-06-2005, 10:30 AM

exactly 1 month to go before the deadline

i think i know what is going to happen though
so i am not looking forward to it

it is going to break my heart guys, but i guess i get whatever i deserve for getting into this position to begin with. :-(

seeing him in work will be horrible

yellowrose

10-06-2005, 02:25 PM

but i guess i get whatever i deserve for getting into this position to begin with. :-( I don't see it as getting what you deserve so much as, 'cause and effect' or 'choices and results'. There are reasons why the 'old rules' are there. It is to protect YOU and to protect the Family.

Have you considered looking for another job? That way, either way, you will be further along to heal from this mess.

SantaBaby

10-06-2005, 03:07 PM

NO i haven't thought about another job.
My job is only 1 mile from my house & i like what i do & the people i work with.
Plus its good money.

I'm afraid if i get another job somewhere else, i might end up hating it & hating the people, ya know

SantaBaby

10-07-2005, 08:30 AM

My OM is mad at me now

He asked me this morning what i was doing this weekend. I told him tonight i am taking my girlfriend to dinner. He asked if i wanted to go to the track saturday night & i told him i am going out with my girlfriend to a club saturday night too.

We NEVER go out at night on the weekends, so i made plans with my friends.
We just meet at the apartment saturday during the day.

So now he's mad at me.He said what u just want to meet me during the day for a quicky & then leave & go out? i said no. I said u played golf last weekend, both saturday & sunday & i didn't get to see u last weekend. He then said well u had your period last weekend anyway! could u believe that?????????

SantaBaby

10-07-2005, 08:49 AM

Leety

Thanks for the advice. Yes i am going to go out with my friend tonight & saturday night. I have sat home for months & months waiting to meet him whenever he could get away. THis is the first time in 3 years that he wants to meet & i am not available.

I'm sorry, i already made plans. Like u said i can't rearrange my life around his.
I hope this doesn't make him not leave come nov. 6.

(who am i kidding, he had almost 1 1/2 years to leave, what makes this nov. 6 any different, the same thing is going to happen)

SantaBaby

10-07-2005, 09:11 AM

Yeah thanks u r so right
this arguement should have nothing to do with his decision.
I don't know if he has it in him to change his whole life.
I hope so, but starting to doubt it now.

He would have left a long time ago if he did.

SantaBaby

10-07-2005, 11:23 AM

exactly!

thank u
i think he was just mad that i was going out 2 nights in a row
when he wanted to go out with me

kathyw

10-07-2005, 05:36 PM

What a jerk!! What does your having your period have to do with anything??

Yeah...gotta love those kind of jerks huh? :rolleyes:

SantaBaby

10-07-2005, 09:01 PM

yeah gotta love them

well i just got home from dinner with my friend for her birthday.
I called my OM on the way there & at 7:30 when he usually is driving home from work. I left him a message to call me back & he didn't.

He hasn't called me all night.
So i guess he's mad at me becuase i have plans with my friend friday & saturday night. Whatever if this is how he's gonna be, then whatever.

SantaBaby

10-08-2005, 07:50 AM

Yes u r correct
He is used to be being there for whenever he could get away & i run.
Well sorry dude, i have plans this weekend. I guess he is starting to see that
i'm getting fed up with waiting. I bet he uses me going out both night as an excuse to get out of the relationship, so he doesn't have to make his big move.

Whatever, if he's gonna act like, then so be it.
I'm sick & tired of trying.

jesique

10-08-2005, 11:34 AM

SantaBaby

I have been reading this whole thread since it started...but I haven't really been able to come up with a clear, good thought to tell you....but after updating myself here today....I was struck with the thought to send you a hug.

((((((((HUG)))))))))

Nadine.

SantaBaby

10-08-2005, 11:52 AM

awwwwwwwwww thanks Nadine
I needed that.
Still haven't heard from him all day.

I guess he's mad.

SantaBaby

10-09-2005, 01:42 PM

Well guys
haven't heard from the OM all weekend

Oh well

CabinFever

10-09-2005, 05:45 PM

That sucks, Santababy....

I hope, for your sake, that you hear from him soon. I know what it's like to be...waiting...waiting...

If I were you though, I'd be expecting an apology from him when you do hear from him...I think that's pretty crappy treatment. :(

CabinFever

10-10-2005, 11:44 AM

Yeah, that's true Cherubino...

Santababy, any word yet??

SantaBaby

10-10-2005, 01:10 PM

Nope no word yet, no call, no e-mail no nothing

he just passed by when i was outside & he just looked down & kept walking.
I saw him upstairs smoking in the courtyard & when he saw me, he turned his
back to me.

So i guess its over!
He was just looking for an excuse to get out so he doesn't have to leave
& to blame it on me. But he had over 1 year to leave & didn't, so we all
know who really is to blame here, & its not me.

I am sick of trying in this relationship
stick a fork in me i'm so done

CabinFever

10-10-2005, 01:17 PM

OMG, SantaBaby!!! I would be so furious if I were you! Wait, I am furious, and your relationship has nothing to do with me :eek: :eek: !

I could call him all sorts of names right now, what a wimp...he wouldn't even look at you?! :mad:

Anyhow, at least you know now and you can move forward.

Feel free to PM me anytime if you need an ear to listen...

SantaBaby

10-10-2005, 01:29 PM

hahah u r tooooo funny

I'm not furious, its too much BS now ya know.
I get to a point when i totally fed up & i think i've reached my point.
If he wants to be a baby & not talk to me or look at me just because
i went out with my friends friday & saturday, then so be it.

He is being very stubborn & immature.
When something bothers u aren't u supposed to communicate with your other & talk about it. Whatever!!

thanks for the ear

greeneyedgirl

10-10-2005, 02:53 PM

santa baby, i feel for you, i do.

but if you'll think about it, are you really surprised?

this is just the culmination of the disrepect and lack of integrity, on his part, that you've been seeing all these years.........thru rose-colored glasses. the glasses are off now and you're seeing him for who he is. and, i might add, what we told you would probably happen.

in situations like this, you tell yourself, convince yourself, it's a learning experience. and you never forget what you've learned......that you're worth more than some person's source of amusement.

you called him on it and he's no longer amused. therefore, you are left-overs to be scraped off into the garbage. let HIM think it, but don't YOU dare. these are the first days of the rest of your life. :D

Tracy

SantaBaby

10-10-2005, 03:06 PM

Yes u r right

no i'm not really surprised at his behavior at all.
Its just an easy way out!

No no more rose colored glasses for me
His behavior is so uncalled for.

Sdoah1972

10-10-2005, 03:35 PM

What a complete and total....(insert bad name)! I hate men. I really, truly hate men. They just suck pond scum. *big hugs*

freespirit

10-10-2005, 05:44 PM

santababy big hugs to you....this is a man who is used to getting whatever he wants whenever he wants it...and you are not giving him what he wants when he wants it....and you are calling his bluff.....more power to YOU sistagirlfriend.....

you have come out of this with money, experience, a different perspective on life than you had before......you won't walk away emptyhanded....

what's he going to do...stay in the same toxic situation he has been in for so long becasue he CAN'T change...you have to feel sad for him on one level that he is in such a spiritual vaccuum...denying himself love and happiness because he can't challenge himself to look at his values and morals and make changes that are in his own best interests.

Sure he will probably walk away smug and arrogant. That comment about your period was so unbelievably arrogant and dismissive, for me it would have shattered the rose coloured glasses. But know that he really isn't what he seems, when people behave like he does and treat others as disposable and not worth their committment, it is really a reflection on how they view themselves. We treat others well when we think well of ourselves. We love others truly when we love ourselves.

You sound like a strong intelligent woman. Leave him to his mess of a life. Walk away girlfriend...and don't look back.

CabinFever

10-10-2005, 06:10 PM

Excellent post freespirit... :)

kathyw

10-10-2005, 07:04 PM

FreeSpirit said "Sure he will probably walk away smug and arrogant. That comment about your period was so unbelievably arrogant and dismissive, for me it would have shattered the rose coloured glasses. But know that he really isn't what he seems, when people behave like he does and treat others as disposable and not worth their committment, it is really a reflection on how they view themselves. We treat others well when we think well of ourselves. We love others truly when we love ourselves."

Very well said FreeSpirit...I especially agree with the bolded part...no doubt about it...SO TRUE!

SantaBaby

10-11-2005, 09:49 AM

Yes u r all right

Oh & when your other does something that gets u mad
aren't u supposed to confront them with it & talk about it not
just write them off & never call them again?

Who does he think he is treating me like this anyway.
After everything i put up with him & how devoted i was to him?

He is being a real jerk!
I refuse to be treated like this anymore!

Still going strong!

CabinFever

10-11-2005, 10:00 AM

Good for you Santababy!

Just a lil reminder...from my experience with a guy who treated me with little respect...he's likely going to come around and try to sweet talk you...so be prepared for that.

SantaBaby

10-11-2005, 10:32 AM

Nooooooo i don't think he will

he always said "once i'm gone , i'm gone, - I don't come back"

so thats fine with me

i don't have to be lied to anymore about that he's leaving.
he just couldn't trust my love for him, couldn't just trust me.

freespirit

10-11-2005, 04:42 PM

Santababy...just being the cold voice of reason here...why are you surprised and aggreived... your whole relationship was based on mistrust....you were fully engaged in an adulterous relationship.....when three people are involved someone will always lose out...first it was his wife, now its you....

there really was no other outcome...he is a consummate manipulator...which makes him a person not to be trusted because he will always put his own needs first...

the writing was on the wall when you started to pressure him to move out...its not what he wanted...with men like him its not about what you want......

live and learn....there is no integrity in adultery no matter how much you love each other....it is a relationship based on a third person getting hurt....unfortunately you are the third person now....his karma will catch up with him eventually and he will feel the pain he is inflicting on other people..

look after yourself and don't analyse his behaviour...its only self interest that drives him.....

MerAlove23

10-11-2005, 06:18 PM

Great Post Freespirit...... .. Unfortunatly they both lost .. even though his wife is still with him .... She still lost she is still married to a cheater... and I feel so terrible for her!!

Santababy...just being the cold voice of reason here...why are you surprised and aggreived... your whole relationship was based on mistrust....you were fully engaged in an adulterous relationship.....when three people are involved someone will always lose out...first it was his wife, now its you....

there really was no other outcome...he is a consummate manipulator...which makes him a person not to be trusted because he will always put his own needs first...

the writing was on the wall when you started to pressure him to move out...its not what he wanted...with men like him its not about what you want......

live and learn....there is no integrity in adultery no matter how much you love each other....it is a relationship based on a third person getting hurt....unfortunately you are the third person now....his karma will catch up with him eventually and he will feel the pain he is inflicting on other people..

look after yourself and don't analyse his behaviour...its only self interest that drives him.....

zara

10-11-2005, 08:24 PM

I agree with freespirit also.

Here everyone is feeling sorry for the way this man was treating her when in actuality it should never have happened to begin with; and most certainly should not have been going on for 3 years at that!!

I do understand that sometimes people get into situations they really didn't mean to get into but come on, enough is enough.

zara

10-11-2005, 08:28 PM

It's not only his karma that is going to catch up

SantaBaby

10-12-2005, 06:51 AM

oh i know

its going to catch up to me too

i am aware of that

& u know what, i deserve whatever i get

bubbleee

10-12-2005, 07:01 AM

Great Post Freespirit...... .. Unfortunatly they both lost .. even though his wife is still with him .... She still lost she is still married to a cheater... and I feel so terrible for her!!

I doubt she doesn't know. Maybe she doesn't know the particulars, who Santa Baby is, but in REAL LIFE many, many women stay with men who wander because they like the lifestyle, the status, etc. May sound horrifying to some here, but it's the real world. Denial is a friend to many. And as long as no one ever confronts her about her husband stepping out on her, she can stay in denial.

Santa Baby, I suspect you are going to hear from him again but right now he's teaching you a lesson. (His attempt to keep you in line.) You're learning a lesson alright. Hopefully it's one that benefits you.

Good luck.

CabinFever

10-12-2005, 08:16 AM

Thank you Bubblebee....this is exactly what I was thinking but I thought maybe I was out in left field. I really can't see how this man's wife could have no idea...either she knows and doesn't care, or doesn't know and doesn't care...it sounds anyhow like it's a marriage of convenience for both of them. This doesn't make it right; I'm just saying that I doubt in this case that the wife is oblivious to what is going on.

And I completely agree about him "teaching you a lesson" - I think there's a bit of a power struggle going on here because you've stood up to him and are not letting him call all the shots anymore....he's trying to put you back in your place where he likes you.

Mind you this is all just my 2 cents from the sidelines here!

SantaBaby

10-12-2005, 09:56 AM

Hi

Yes i think his wife has an idea what is going on but doesn't care. SHe is living a good life in her mind - not worked in 25 years, comes & goes when she pleases & spends his money whenever she wants. Yes it is a marriage of just exsting.
I can't imagine being in a marriage like that , how horrible.

Yes, he is probably trying to teach me a lesson, but he's not going to win.
I am done being at his becking call. This lesson is going to backfire on him.
Yes it probably is a power thing.

But whatever & i doubt i will hear from him ever again, but thats ok with me.
I deserve so much better than to be treated the way he is treating me. I will
NOT stand for it anymore. I was weak at one point but now i woke up & am stronger than ever!!

greeneyedgirl

10-12-2005, 01:23 PM