long way from home

hello, first time using this site....
I am 26 and my OM is 40. We are in love. Only thing is, my family dont support it. I am Australian and he is American. Recently he was posted back to the USA. I went along. I have been living in chicago now with him for 4 months, and things are great. we love each other more every day. But my family are not helping, they dont communicate, and see it as a "fling". I dont want to lose my family or my man. How can i resolve this situation. Eventually (in my dreams) we get married, have kids and move back to Aus. But he is not so keen....and says thats a long way away and wants to focus on his career. Should I marry, and will my family accept or should I leave now and re-start my life back home? I am so sad without my family, but also cannot bear the thought of losing my love. Help! :confused:

I understand how close you are to your family. I am within an hour's plane ride to my parents, brother, and his kids, and I couldn't imagine not seeing them as often as I do (which averages about once a month).

However, what struck me most about your post was how you said that *you* have been thinking about marriage, and moving back with him to Australia. Have you seriously had this talk? Have you discussed the pros and cons of a move, on either one of your parts? It is a *huge* move for either one of you to make.

I guess my question to you is whether his answer "I want to focus on my career" came after the discussion of marriage, of him moving to Australia, or from something else. If it is after the discussion of marriage, then I would fear some sort of "commitment-phobic" tendencies in him. However, if this response was from the idea of him moving to Australia...I don't know that I blame him so much.

It does sound like you're in a bit of a pickle.

Its hard to tell from what you've told us if he's afraid of committment....or just of moving back to Austrailia. I have to say...if I had you where I wanted you...(Chicago) I wouldn't be in a hurry to move to a different country. But thats just me.

As for your family....thats tricky too. I wish I knew what to tell you....but I don't. I just moved from Texas to North Carolina...and my dad still won't talk to me. The best I can tell you is to just be patient with them....they're scared for you and worried about you and they love you....they just need time.

Nadine.

hello, first time using this site....
I am 26 and my OM is 40. We are in love. Only thing is, my family dont support it. I am Australian and he is American. Recently he was posted back to the USA. I went along. I have been living in chicago now with him for 4 months, and things are great. we love each other more every day. But my family are not helping, they dont communicate, and see it as a "fling". I dont want to lose my family or my man. How can i resolve this situation. Eventually (in my dreams) we get married, have kids and move back to Aus. But he is not so keen....and says thats a long way away and wants to focus on his career. Should I marry, and will my family accept or should I leave now and re-start my life back home? I am so sad without my family, but also cannot bear the thought of losing my love. Help! :confused:

Your situation is very indicative of a relationship pattern experienced by many unmarried couples with your approximate age separation. Your 40 year old OM is in the peak of his career professionally and financially, and could be placing your relationship on someting below top shelf. I can't tell you how many times I have seen this, and others (especially custom home builder/contrators) have witnessed this situation. A 40's something upwardly mobile OM with a 20's something girlfriend. The house is designed to the man's specifications and decoration tastes -- even the master walk-in closet is taken up entirely for the man. The YW is typically issued a spare bedroom closet for her items.

He drives the luxury car and she gets the used Honda or Toyota. She has big plans for marriage and a family, and he's very cool to the idea -- convincing her that let's not rush into things, maybe in a couple of years. (A couple of years seems to be the standard response.) Meanwhile, OM tends to his life and his career, and YW is tasked with chores around his new house, grocery shopping etc.

This may not apply to your scenario, but believe me, this story is quite common. My point is, you really need to step back and make an honest assessment of your situation. I personally knew a beautiful YW who's OM kept saying "let's see in a couple of years" to the marriage issue. 7 1/2 years later, he was still balking and she had just given him the best years of her life (which was her fault BTW).

You need to make a big decision and don't find yourself issuing your OM an ultimatum. That's degrading. Either this is a two-way street and you are on equal terms and mind-set, or you're on two-different channels. You never want to find yourself tryinig to talk somone into marrying you or loving you or wanting to be a part of your life. If it seems like he's calling all or most of the shots, that could be because he doesn't regard you important enough to paticipate with the major decisions affecting his life. :(

I agree with Passionate. Something tells me he has some commitment issues or is not keen on moving to Oz. Now is the time to reconsider the course of this relationship, and possibly end it before you hurt yourself.

thanks all for replying. I guess i am in a kind of pickle like you all say. its just so frustrating, just as soon as you get used to the idea you have fallen in love with someone older, then bam! you have to also make a transition overseas. what you say is correct, in that he sees himself as the provider (career is important and going very well for him at the moment), whilst i have put mine on the back burner, as currently i cant work in the US....hence this adds to my frustration! and i am playing house wife at the moment, not that i mind, but its not what i want right now. he is being supportive in that he pays for most things, but i dont feel supported emotionally esp when it comes to discussing moving back, even eventually, as he is rather vague about the idea. we have spoken about marriage alot, and what we want, its the only issue we cannot come out openly about.
Add to that family woes, and you can see why i have not been to happy of late.
Anyway i will do some more thinking, and thanks everyone who responded, best of luck to you all.

Your situation is very indicative of a relationship pattern experienced by many unmarried couples with your approximate age separation. Your 40 year old OM is in the peak of his career professionally and financially, and could be placing your relationship on someting below top shelf. I can't tell you how many times I have seen this, and others (especially custom home builder/contrators) have witnessed this situation. A 40's something upwardly mobile OM with a 20's something girlfriend. The house is designed to the man's specifications and decoration tastes -- even the master walk-in closet is taken up entirely for the man. The YW is typically issued a spare bedroom closet for her items.

He drives the luxury car and she gets the used Honda or Toyota. She has big plans for marriage and a family, and he's very cool to the idea -- convincing her that let's not rush into things, maybe in a couple of years. (A couple of years seems to be the standard response.) Meanwhile, OM tends to his life and his career, and YW is tasked with chores around his new house, grocery shopping etc.

OMG Drifter....were you spying on my previous relationship? My last boyfriend was very upwardly mobile, the house was his...designed by him (god it was ugly) He had BOTH the master bedroom closets....I was given a tiny section that i cleaned out myself (and I mean tiny) and one dresser drawer. He drove the porsche and I drove the hyundai. I wanted to get married...and he told me later...later. So i got fed up...he travled too much anyway....left him...and found the love of my life who lets me have my own closet thats the same size as his...and half of the dresser! :D

Nadine.

Great post Drifter!! (Yay..glad to see ya back!). I guess I can see how some YW/OM relationships could be like that. My ex says that he didn't realize that I was the most important thing in his life until after I left (I sometimes felt like one of the "things" he achieved while we were together).

Something important I've learned in the last few years is that there needs to be commonality, not specifically in personality but in goals, likes and practical aspects. There needs to be more than love for it to work. It sounds pretty basic, but if you each really want to live in different countries and neither wants to give that up....it's not going to work out.

For me, this means that I've had to assess the things that are important to me and that I just will not budge on. Although my relationships have all been important learning experiences, I don't really want to put time and energy into something at this point, that is not going to be a good fit in the long run.