Partners Daughter

My 47yr old partner has a daughter who is 2yr younger than me, he is not a part of her life and i worry that he will one day because a great part of her life and i will maybe ruin their relationship. I dont knowwhat to do, i know his daughter is the most important person in his life and i have to accept that it will always be that way, but when she is back in his life will he want me? her opinion of me will most probably be a bad one and i dont think he will risk losing his daughter for me

Well, I wouldn't assume that she will dislike you just because of your age. She might, initially, react badly and think its a little messed up (to some people, it is hard to wrap their brains around such a significant gap), but in time ~ when she sees you make him happy and give him joy in his life, she might come to be a FRIEND.

It's not necessarily a bad thing to consider the worst possible scenarios, but you cannot let them devour you ~ they are only your mind creating the WORST possible scenarios, so you will be prepared IF things go badly and not be too hurt by it. And usually, it turns out somewhere in the middle. Not so bad, not perfect.

If you love him, love him. Don't worry toooooo far in advance. Enjoy what you have, cuz you never know what tomorrow will bring. Who knows, she might be your best bud 10 years from now. ;)
~phos

WHY isn't she in his life now? :confused:

It sort of sounds to me like you feel that you're filling a gap in your OM's life, created by his daughter being away or otherwise not in his life? And when she comes back in, there won't be room for you, or he won't need you - why wouldn't he need you then? I could be totally reading this wrong, but that's the impression I get, and I don't think that's healthy - it just seems too "father-daughter" for me. He should want to be with you because he loves you for who you are - not as a daughter replacement! :eek:

Otherwise, I agree with Phos - once you both get through the strangeness, you could become great friends with his daughter and that would be pretty cool!

he said he does want to be with me for me and that even when his daughter does come back if she doesnt like me thats her problem because im his choice and he wont leave me just because she says so.

I just feel like my partner has had this whole other life and i just sit by and listen to him talk about his past..

part of me hates the fact he has had the wife, daughter happy family thing because i dont want to hear about it. i dont talk about my past relationships, i dont like the fact they have been a huge part of his life. i think im just stupid though.

As for why his daughter isnt in his life its private (its a long story told to me in confidence)

Ok, good, it looks like I misread your post. Ya know, we all react to our partners' past differently, and I think the way we view their past depends partly on what our own past is like. Myself, I like to keep my ex's in my life, though I know that could be a bit difficult for a potential new partner to handle ;) .

Maybe this is just something that you will need to come to terms with slowly. There's no avoiding the fact that your BF had a family, and has his daughter. Have the two of you been together long? I'm not sure what the answer is, but if he talks about the past and his ex wife excessively, maybe he still has issues to work through? Maybe counselling for both of you, or just yourself, could be helpful? Just some ideas.

I think that an child has more problems accepting a second mom than an older, adult child. Furthermore, if this daughter is not seing his father often I doubt that your age will be a problem other than the inital clumsiness of a regular AGR.

we have been together properly since march, just dating since october, getting to know eachother as partners rather than friends. He talks about her more than i think he should but then he has spent every day of his life with her for 20yr. thats how long they were married. she cheated on him and covered up a crime that was taking place. she knew about it but did nothing (this crime was against his daughter) and kept it hidden for 2yr. its a complicated story but basically when he was in Europe(where he has lived for 17yr) she was in the UK, one day she just called him up and told him to not come again. She wished him dead and he never seen his daughter since. that was 2yr ago, he seen her breifly a few weeks ago when he was in his home town she said hello and acted like she was not fond of being near him (because he told the police about this crime.. she resents him i think) he has been to counselling but i guess it will take time to get over it and i have to stick by him.

When and if the time comes that he reconciles with her, he will have a decision to make. And that is whether or not he will be capable of having these "two women" in his life. People do this all the time...No, it's not easy a lot of the time, but she and you fulfill two different roles in his life. So, if he is willing to hash things out, and approach things like the man that I am sure he is, a certain level of acceptable "co-existence" may very well be reached.

Obviously, support him in this. Try not to look at her as a threat before you even meet her. Because, frankly, the more support you give him now, the more likely he might be, when the time comes, to really *value* you as part of his life and therefore try even harder to make it work.

Listen, we all have pasts. We all have baggage. (Though, for some of us, our baggage would be enough to take us around the world, several times over). No, there are no guarantees that this will work when and if she comes back into his life. But, don't pre-judge it.

Is he worth it to you, even with the daughter in the picture? If he is, then you need to stand by him, and support him. When it comes time that there is a reconciliation, then obviously, you should re-evaluate. But, for right now, don't put the cart before the horse and throw something away that you treasure because it "might hurt you in the future".