Kid Help

I have an odd predicament that has me SO FRUSTRATED!! I have a 9 y.o. son and a 5 y.o. son (almost 10 & almost 6). My 5 y.o. loves my O.M. My 9 y.o. despises him. My O.M. is the nicest person you could ever meet and my oldest son loves him as long as he's not having anything to do w/ me. Whenever the kids are out of the room my son will yell "you guys better not be smooching!" O.M. says he's going to start calling me Fort Knox because that's how closely I'm guarded :D

Everytime he comes over, my son is bugging the crap out of us the whole time. My O.M. bought tickets to the Cardinals game for my son's b-day (we love st. louis) and we went there for that Friday. He even got an extra ticket so my son could bring a friend with him. He does all kinds of stuff like that for him but he's still not very accepting of "us". He likes him as a buddy but not for me. I don't even like my O.M. coming over because the kids will not leave us alone so I'm at my wit's end. Any advice?

Unfortunately, that's just the way the cookie crumbles. IF your OM is consistently good with both kids, isn't playing favorites, and is PATIENT, in time the older son will come around. He's testing and pushing boundaries and he also feels a) his place is being surpassed as man of the house and b) he needs to protect you.

Cut the boy some slack. He is honestly just doing his job and in all likelihood he doesn't hate your OM. He just doesn't want to be ursurped and when you and his father separated he DID become man of the house. It's perfectly natural.

You would benefit by taking some time to talk to your son. 9 year olds are a lot more complex and intelligent than a lot of people give them credit for. Take him out for a drive and ask him outright why he's got a problem with your OM and you dating. Be honest with him. Offer him assurances and find out what he's feeling .

And make time for one on one time alone with both your sons. Give the oldest time. IF his fears aren't justified, he will figure that out in time.

Our sons are people, too. We can't forget that as we try to move on with our lives. Fact is, he should come first in your life and you're not giving him the assurances he needs that he DOES. This doesn't mean you need to give up your OM or stop seeing him, but it does mean you need some frank one on one discussions with you sons.

~phos

Thanks for your feedback....

I've tried a thousand times to find out what the problem is but all he can muster is "I don't want you to have a boyfriend" and he competes with my O.M. He says "who do you love more" or "who's your main man"? Of course I always reassure him that him and my 5 y.o. are my main men etc. but that doesn't seem to appease him. I've been going through this for 2 months and I ALWAYS let him know 100% that they are most important to me but it doesn't seem to be sinking in.

Two months is a VERY short period of time. Take it slow, keep patient and don't blow up at him. His response is very telling. He is feeling he is being ursurped. And if you react negatively or act disappointed in his behavior or get angry at him, it will only get worse.

It would help if your OM also made an effort to remind him he was not trying to take his place (or his FATHERS place) or push him out and accepted this is going to be a SLOW process. It is.

And I promise you, it won't matter WHO you're dating. This is not about your OM. This is about your son feeling like he is the man of the house and feeling it is his job to protect you and his little brother and it is... perfectly... unquestionably... normal.

But, you also cannot let him dictate your life. Just take it slow. Don't push for too much too fast. Two months is SUCH a short period of time and your sons deserves for you to take this extremely slowly and for you to be patient for their sakes. 9 is a fairly delicate age. They are just reaching puberty (for some of them, they truly are!) and they are beginning to feel life responsibilities and for the older children who have been helping, carrying burdens and being responsible for younger siblings, its not an easy transition into having another male figure around the house.

I advise you to just take it SLOW. And take time alone with your son and keep asking... don't stop asking what's on his mind. And if you ARE spending a LOT of time with your OM, you might want to remember you need to take time for each of your boys to make them feel special and try to slip as quick as you can back into patterns where they really DO feel you're placing them first.

Fos you're awesome - that's really good advice - do you have kids around that age? I've been seeing my OM for about 6 months but only around my kids for the past 2 months. My oldest sons father is not active in his life - pays child support, buys birthday presents, xmas presents, etc. but that's about he extent of his involvement. As for his (ex) stepfather - they never really got along very well so I wonder if he's waiting for my OM to turn into a jerk too or something. Again, thanks for the solid advice :)

Cherubino - that sounds exactly like what I'm talking about. Sometimes I feel like my son is jealous of my OM the same way an ex-boyfriend or something would be jealous. It's strange. I guess he just needs a lot of reassurance and I'm sure he'll be fine. I know it's not a problem w/ this boyfriend in particular, I think he'd be this way no matter who I was dating. I'm sure he'll come to realize that I'm very happy w/ my OM and he will be too once he gives it a chance. My 5 y.o. loves him to death and I'm sure my 9 y.o. will come around eventually too. Thanks for all your input.

He will come around eventually... ;) So long as his momma's being treated right and he still gets his time with YOU.

Yes, I do have two kids around the same ages. My son is turning 10 in 3 weeks and my daughter 5 in five weeks. LOL. :D

Good luck.
~phos

I thought so phos....Our boys are the same age....mine will be 10 on 10/7. Your son is lucky to have such an understanding & wise mother. I looked at your profile thinking you were going to be a child psychologist or something :) I think my frustration stems from the fact that I know my OM is such a good person....I thought my kids would take to him w/ no problem so I didn't see this coming. Yeah I know he'll be fine & it'll just take time so I just need to not take it so personally. Thanks for all the advice everyone!