Sexless marriage? What to do?

Hi, I'm a new poster and I'm having a problem with my husband. To begin, he is 47, I am 30. We are going on 6 years of marriage, and we have a 1 year old. When we first started dating, everything was great. We did everything together, and we were very attracted to each other. He could not keep his hands off of me. We dated for a year and a half before we got married. I could tell right away that my sex drive was higher than his. When we first met, I was a virgin (a 23 year old virgin!), and he had been married and divorced. Even though I had never had sex, I had done plenty of reading and some viewing on it, and was ready for it. Now looking back, I see that I did not know about giving and receiving.

Fast foward to now, and we are basically not having sex anymore. I have gained some weight since the baby, but I am now the size I was when we first started dating (I had lost about 50lbs after we started dating). I am losing weight, going to the gym and getting into shape which has re-energized my sexual appetite.

After the baby was born, I was not as interested in sex as I was before, and hubby never intitated wanting to have sex. After 3 months of no sex, I became worried and asked hubby why not, he just said he was tired all the time. Now the baby is a year old, and still we will go at it about once a month, and that's only if I initiate it. Lately I've really been wanting to make love to my husband. I try to be sexy and touch him, and he usually brushes my hand away. I finally asked him if he was blocking my touch, he laughed and said no. I then just asked if he wanted to have sex, he said he was to tired (he has been having trouble sleeping at night).

I have tried to get him to go see a doctor about his sleep because he tosses and turns all night long, and is constantly getting up out of bed. He said he finally went, and the doctor said nothing was wrong with him. All he talks about when we go to bed (if he talks at all that is) is about the bills. I know he's a little stressed about the bills, but I work and make just as much as he does, and I help pay the bills. I just don't stress about it like he does. I know he is getting on up there in age when he sex drive is decreasing, and mine is increasing, but I know of 60 year old men that have more sex than we do. He also has some medical problems, one is that he has a bulge in his intestines (sorry if to graphic). He had it checked out 3 years ago, and the doctor told him it was a tear in his intestines, and that he needed surgery, but since it was not an immediate threat, he would have to pay what insurance would not cover before the surgery which would be he said about 3,000, so he will not get it done.

Whenever he is stressed out or does anything pretty physical such as bending over to pick up something heavy, it will cause a bulge next to his crotch. He relieves this by either taking a very hot bath and pushing it back in, or he will just lay on the bed and grunt while he pushes it back in. I cannot stand there and watch, I know it is painful. Anyway, why I am telling you all of this is that I'm sure all of these things add up to not feeling up to having sex, but even when he is rested and no bulge, he is not interested.

Finally a couple of night ago I could not stand it anymore, and I was going to make the move on him. I got all cleaned up, did something special with the shaving that he likes, put on some lingerie, and waited in bed for him hoping he would get the hint (he used to get the hint before), but he didn't, so I reached over and started touching him, he told me he was to tired. I was so upset that I started to cry (silently), he knew it to and tried to comfort me. He said can I just hold you, but that was not what I wanted, but I let him hold me. Then he tried explaining again how he was very attracted to me. I told him though the he still does not want to have sex with me, he said that he wants me all the time, but he is too tired, so I just started kissing him everywhere, and that seemed to get him in the mood. We did have sex, but it was like he was doing it as a favor, you know, pity sex.

Anyway to get back where I was earlier. When we first started having sex, I did not know that there should be equal giving and receiving. I just thought that all women did not expect to have orgasms during sex, and that the man would have his and go to sleep. Now from different forums and from talking to other men, they say that they always try to make sure the woman is pleased before them. The way one man explained it was he knew he would get his, but he wanted to make sure she got hers before him because he said once he was through, that was it.

My husband at first tried to pleasure me, but not anymore. Now there is basically no foreplay, just intercourse. I do everything that he likes and oral is one that he likes, and I enjoy doing it because it turns me on to see him turned on, but he never does oral for me. Well, actually he would every once in a while, but when he did it, he did not seem to enjoy it, and he would stop after a minute or so (I also take a bath before going to bed so it's not about smell either). I finally told him the other night when I got all ready for him that I really enjoyed it when he used to go down on me, and I asked him why he didn't anymore. He acted like he still did until I told him it had been at least a year since he has.

Well, he did that night, and I loved it, but he did it for about a minute and stopped, then he proceeded to intercourse. While in the middle of it, I asked him if he wanted to do it doggystyle (he used to love that position), he did not say anything, he just kept on going till he was finished, then he went to sleep. I was so upset that I wanted to cry. That is when it hit me that I have never had more than about 2 or 3 orgasms with him since we have been married.

Now I am angry because I realize that he is being very selfish with this, and that I always try to do anything I can to turn him on with oral or whatever, but he never does anything for me. He does not even initate sex anymore, I have to all the time, and most of the time I get turned down. I am at a loss on what to do. I told him that I did not know that I was marrying into a sexless marriage. I don't know what the future holds for us now. I love him very much, and don't want this to end in divorce because of arguing over sex. What can I do? Should I just be expected to grin and bear it? I cannot imagine not being wanted sexually by someone who says that you are their life and they love you so much.

I am so sorry this is so long, and I hope it makes sense to you. I do have a tendency to jump around with my story. I just hope someone can help me.

You guys have the same age difference than Me.... we have a 15 month old and married for 2 years... I know after the baby was born our sex drives went downt o nothing ... because we were both up every two hours with feedings... then when I went back to work it was hard because we were both tired... We have definatly slowed down now but thats is cause our lives have become so hectic....to us its not the drive we both want to .... but I think it's long enough now that I don't think sex drive would be every night but at least once a week... I know how hectic it is trying to takec are of a baby and two full time jobs.....

anyway... i know you have tried talking to him... but I think you need to be more blunt with him...Tell him how you feel in depth ... Not just ask what he is feeling... and suggest maybe a marriage counselor?

let us know ok
I am wishing the best for you both!1

Dang, I'm so sorry.

Your right, your husband is being rather selfish and sex is not just about physical gratification. It's highly emotional too! It's a bond between huband and wife.

I suggest that you and your husband see a sex therapist to discuss his issues. He may need some help becoming aroused and medication may work for him.

It sounds as if he's fairly stressed out. He would benefit from stress managment or individual counseling. Reassure him that you love him and that you long for his touch.

Let us know how it goes!

I would definately suggest counseling. I cannot imagine not having that outlet in my life, in my relationship, with my partner. Sex is a big part of a marriage, even though some people are too 'proper' (for lack of a better word) to admit that.

Even if he refuses to seek out counseling with you, maybe you should consider going to a few sessions yourself, to see if a professional can give you some better ideas on how to handle the situation.

All I could possibly think of to suggest is what you have already done- like the lingerie and special touches when shaving, etc.

I hope y'all can get this worked out, I know it has to be very hurtful to not feel wanted by your husband.

Please keep us posted on how it goes. Good luck,

Laura

Cant say that i understand what you are going through.

sorry you are going through this.. agree with above post. seeking counseling.

Yikes! That sucks.

I wish I knew what to tell you. (((HUG)))

Have you tried just sitting down and talking to him about it?

lol...or maybe just start slipping some viagra in his food. *grin* Just Kidding.

Nadine.

Olivia, HUGS to you; I know its not easy to live with differing libidos in a marriage, and it can take its toll on your emotions. It is good that you are talking about it....that is healthy for you:))

My first thought was that your husband is probably telling the truth about being tired.......I am assuming that he has a typical 9-5 type working life? Plus you have just gone through your baby's first (highly demanding!) year and you say that your husband is not sleeping well in general.? Under these circumstances, he may be chronically fatigued.

Therefore I would be looking at this as a health and lifestyle issue, more than a psychological one. I wouldn't rule out psychological problems, of course, but I would probably try to sort out the problem from physical point of view first and then use councelling as a last resort....what do you think?

In terms of a solution, well ``excercise'' leaps to mind. Easier said than done, I know, but excercise is like a magic potion for curing sleep problems, raising testosterone levels, promoting well being, and feeling alive. Although its probably the last thing he feels like if hes tired, but he must be encouraged to do this......you could perhaps start up something you like together? Do you feel that you have this kind of influence over him? I believe a simple excercise routine could turn things around for the two of you, I really do, especially if you couple it with good diet, vitamin pills, etc

Another thing to look at is lifestyle. What work does he do? Is his workplace sucking the life out of him? Does he have a draining job, with a draining boss, and draining work hours? Perhaps this is an area where he needs to make some changes?

As I write this, I know it will take time, and a lot depends on your communication as a couple and your husband's willingness to take this problem seriously. I would hope that in the meantime you will see that this is definately no reflection on you....you are as desirable and as beautiful as ever. The main things to focus on are getting your hsuband out of this rut, and not taking `no' for an answer. All the best to you both!!!!! HUGS!!

This sucks!!! I lived in a Sexless marriage for 14 years so I know where your at...

One thing that I have not seen considerd?

It is not pretty to think about but some men when they are getting "it" on the outside of the marriage they turn away from their partner, both emotionally and sexually? Could that be the case?

Too tired for sex?!! No such thing in a man's book!!! Something else is goin' on here!! :eek:

Olivia,

I feel for you sweetie. I won't go into detail but I can relate in many ways to your story. My ex and I were only 5.5 years apart so I don't think our situation was age gap related, still I think the issue you name was a factor in our marriage failing after 18 years.

As someone who has been there, I urge you in the strongest terms to get counseling ASAP. When problems like this go on for years resentment sets in and then the marriage is usually too far gone to save. If you take the lead and let him see how important this is to you then you have a chance of turning things around. I am a firm believer that sex is a good indicator for what is going on in a marriage. Not always mind you, but many times how the sex is reflects much of what the marriage is...bad sex, troubled marriage and vice-versa.

He is 47, not 77. He may have a medical condition on top of the ones you have already stated (low testosterone, etc...) but unless you can get him to see how serious this matter is you will likely be crying yourself to sleep for many more nights to come. It WILL take a toll on your self-esteem! I speak that from experience.

I had well-meaning friends who would encourage me to wear lingerie, try haircuts, etc to intice him. All that advice did was convince me there must be something wrong with me. I did everything I knew to do *except* go to counseling. Once I went ,(years later) that problem (with many others) had separated us so far that we couldn't seem to make our way back to the love we once felt.

Sex is important in a marriage and is God-given to keep intimacy between two people. Your feelings and concern about this is valid! Get help as soon as you can.

Best of luck to you! (((Hugs)))

I am sending you lotsa hugs and strength for the coming months. I think you have to sit your hubby down and be extremely direct with him and explain exactly how you are feeling and that you need more physical contact. Dont mince words but dont say "you should" or "you dont". He may just be shutting out your words and feeling defencive. Instead say things like "I feel so alone when we dont have the loving physical connection" or "I miss you and feel very angry because I feel like I am not desirable or wanted but I want and need you sooo badly" ??? Just be honest and truthful. I hope any of this helps. I kinda know what your going through and I really hope you work it all out. It didn't work out for me but now I am with a new b/f and am totally satisfied and very happy and have learned a lot of lessons.

I don't think I can add any more than what the others have shared. I think there are serious medical, psychological, and lifestyle issues involved here. You need to be direct and encourage your husband to get some help.

after 15 years alone my mother of 64 me a wonderful man whos called phillip,who is 12 years younger that her .They get on in almost every way , sexually mum has always been very warm and giving.And was looking forward to now been able to enjoy this side of a relationship with the man the adored. He said he loved good hearty sex and had a good sex drive and at the begining of the relationship things sexually couldn't of been better.In fact he would wear mum out wanting it 3 times a night although mum did expect it was a bit of a put on on his part. Mum would of been happier at once a week. With in the next couple of years there sex life has dwindled to the point were there is none. When ever mum tries to instigate anything or offers to do something for him he flatly refuses and pushes her away leaving her feeling cold and unloved. He tells her to take up jogging instead and now said he prefers a nice meal instead of sex.he also doesent like kissing or any kind of cuddling. The other part of the problem is his terrible flirting hes totally outrageous he flirts in front of mum with anyone up to the age of 40 whos attractive , totally embarrassing her mum says he comes alive when flirting he does it with the neighbors, work colleagues, friends, ect. Even the waitresses when they have a meal, he also seems to have a problem about growing old and continuously harps on about how wonderful youth is which leaves mum feeling flat, old, and ugly incomparison to the people hes flirting with, especially with been 12 years older than him, mum says she thinks he would have sex with his conquests and as hes refusing her you can imagine how she feels. when she tries to talk to him he says its in her head, and other times he says he going through the male menopause.In every other way they are happy and he does say he loves her and would never leave her but says if she has an affair he would go. They have just bought a house together financially there about the same, so hes not with her for money, please help her know what to do. She doesn't want a loveless relationship ...

Hi Suzee,

Ok, first of all your mom is not old and pleeeeease my mom is 70 my dad 76 and they have sex at least twice a week. So age is not a factor.

I think that what is going on here is that he is going through male menopause. He doesn't want to grow old. BUT that does not explain the nasty behavior he exhibits towards your mom. The constant flirting IN FRONT of his wife is bad news. He shows a total lack of respect towards her feelings and it is just plain selfish. And he tops this up by telling her that she should not consider cheating because he will leave. Hmmmm how convenient. So he can flirt but she can't.... (I'm not implying here that ANYONE should flirt just thinking while I'm writing cause this has really made me angry!)

Anyway, if I were your mom I would tell him in no uncertain terms that he is hurting her and that the flirting or even talking about how he enjoys flirting with other women should stop. Period. It is painful and disrespectful. And that she is not going to put up with this sort of behavior. And next time he starts flirting in front of here I would LEAVE! There is absolutely no reason why she should put herself into this!!!! They are going out to have fun not to have HIS fun while she just stares at him flirting!!!!

He could be a good man in all other respects but this as I said before could be an indication that he is about to embark on "extra curricular" activities. And if he doesn't find your mother attractive any longer is bad news all together.

I wish I could give you a solution here but I can't. I can only send you lots and lots and lots of support!!!!

Hope your mom change of attitude helps


ayla

A couple of things stood out to me. The first is that he went to a doctor and the doctor said nothing is wrong. In my opinion, he needs to see another doctor-and not just "A" doctor-a specialist. A doctor cannot look at someone and say there is no problem without running tests. I know my brother in law and a couple of other men that were having sleeping issues and once they did some tests on them they discovered that they had sleep apnea-they actually stop breathing during the night and this wakes them up-they never were getting to deep sleep in order to feel refreshed. I wouldn't wait around for your husband to make the appointment. I would do it FOR him and go WITH him. The sleep problem may be his, but it is effecting you and your marriage and therefore it is his problem as well.

If there turns out to be no problem, a therapist would be a good idea-maybe consider a sex therapist.

The second thing is what others have pointed out-your husband is being pretty selfish. I see from your post that you have tried initiating by doing the shaving, lingere thing, but honestly from your description, I think you need to be a little more aggressive. Do the dress up thing, but be the dominant one. If he complains he is tired say "that's good because I'm going to do all the work"-and do it-rock his world!

If in the end he doesn't have a physical problem and he is unwilling or unable to change, you need to have a serious discussion with him and tell him that you cannot stay in a marriage that is sexless. You may or may not really mean that, but living like this is not fair to you. Sex means different things to men and to women. Normally men turn to sex to feel a physical closeness to their woman-that is how they express love. It is worrisome that your husband isn't doing that.

We should focus to answer:

05-31-2008, 04:56 PM
suzee
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1 no sex please

Since the OP of this thread was back in 2005...

So you all notice! :bgrin2:

I just want to send you big hugs because I know how hard it is to........:bighug::grouphug:

You have gotten good advice from everyone else.

after 15 years alone my mother of 64 me a wonderful man whos called phillip,who is 12 years younger that her .They get on in almost every way , sexually mum has always been very warm and giving.And was looking forward to now been able to enjoy this side of a relationship with the man the adored. He said he loved good hearty sex and had a good sex drive and at the begining of the relationship things sexually couldn't of been better.In fact he would wear mum out wanting it 3 times a night although mum did expect it was a bit of a put on on his part. Mum would of been happier at once a week. With in the next couple of years there sex life has dwindled to the point were there is none. When ever mum tries to instigate anything or offers to do something for him he flatly refuses and pushes her away leaving her feeling cold and unloved. He tells her to take up jogging instead and now said he prefers a nice meal instead of sex.he also doesent like kissing or any kind of cuddling. The other part of the problem is his terrible flirting hes totally outrageous he flirts in front of mum with anyone up to the age of 40 whos attractive , totally embarrassing her mum says he comes alive when flirting he does it with the neighbors, work colleagues, friends, ect. Even the waitresses when they have a meal, he also seems to have a problem about growing old and continuously harps on about how wonderful youth is which leaves mum feeling flat, old, and ugly incomparison to the people hes flirting with, especially with been 12 years older than him, mum says she thinks he would have sex with his conquests and as hes refusing her you can imagine how she feels. when she tries to talk to him he says its in her head, and other times he says he going through the male menopause.In every other way they are happy and he does say he loves her and would never leave her but says if she has an affair he would go. They have just bought a house together financially there about the same, so hes not with her for money, please help her know what to do. She doesn't want a loveless relationship ...i

Can this be a new thread instead, so we can focus on the thread that was orginally posted. ????

TALLBLONDANDCUTE makes a good point. The OP probably doesn't read these messages since the post was made 3 years ago. Probably start a new thread if someone is interested in revisiting these topics.