Just a few thoughts

Hi, I posted a little while back when I first signed up. I need to write a little about the state of my relationship with my YW. We have been together for almost 2 years. We have a 17 year difference (25/42) but we really don't notice it. But what I am noticing are the other differences, some I'm not sure I can live with anymore. Some things in our lives are changing in the next few months and I feel these issues are coming to a head and frankly I feel anxious. My YW is smart and articulate and beautiful. She is also very helpful with my 7 y.o. daughter. We generally get along pretty good. But, here comes the "buts", she is also messy, not open with communication, has trouble accepting her part of a problem, she doesn't like to go out and do things, and she is also not as sexual as I am, which for me is a really good way for a couple to bond and connect with one another. I really like the dynamics of the YW/OM relationship. But I think for her the YW/OM thing doesn't hold the same "idea" as it does for me. And since she has trouble communicating and seeing her part of things, I feel I can't bring much of this up to her. So, I either accept this as it is, or leave. I'm in a relationship that is about 60% pretty good. But I want more to be good. Any thoughts?

Hello, Leehein. Sorry to hear you're having troubles. I was curious about something...You mentioned your "idea" of the yw/om relationship. What are you hoping to get out of this age configuration? What does it mean to you? I've been the yw in a few different relationships throughout my adult life ('m now in my 30's and doing much better as the years go by!) so I think I might have some insights why she does (or doesn't) do certain things. But first, I am curious about that statement you made. Elaborate?

I am curious about that statement you made.

was wondering the same thing. and was she always messy or not open to communicate with you in the beginning?or was this just something that came about later on?if so i find that odd..

Wow .... this doesnt' seem age related to me.... seems like this is who she is....

Communication is all that is going to help... You need to let her know how you feel rather than just say you did this you did that... tell her how important it is to you that she accepts her responsibility as you will also... it must be fair :) Also express to her your feelings because she may just not know.... but you need to pass it off as your feelings and definatly don't make it look like your attacking her

Ok, let's see. At the beginning we had few conflicts so the aspect of her not taking any responsiblity to a problem wasn't really present. It become increasingly a problem as we started having conflicts. No huge conflicts but still I would say she has never said sorry about anything or reconsidered her position and changed her mind about it. It's been debilitating for me to already know when something comes up, she will never see it any other way than her way. I cannot be heard by her. As for her being messy, she has always been that way. But if I do something in the relationship she doesn't like, I change it. But once again, talking to her about it has done nothing. So I either take her as she is or walk because she will not change. It sounds like I would leave her cause she won't pick up her clothes from the floor but that wouldn't be the reason. The reason is she knows I don't like it but she is inconsiderate towards my feelings or needs. Also, my whole family knows about our relationship. My friends know about it. No one in her family knows about me and she has said they never will. I don't think they even know where she lives. That makes me feel like crap. It is like she isn't ok being in a relationship with me. To add to that feeling, in the beginning we were frequently sexual. Now it is rarely. So, and I have to guess since she has trouble communicating with me, she isn't here because she finds me attractive and interesting and a good partner, she is here because she doesn't have any place else to go. That hurts me, too. (It is a little telling, I started writing this by being some what technical about the relationship- just the facts ma'm- but the more I wrote the more angry I got. I really am angry and disappointed in this relationship. I feel unheard and unloved.)

Ok, let's see. At the beginning we had few conflicts so the aspect of her not taking any responsiblity to a problem wasn't really present. It become increasingly a problem as we started having conflicts. No huge conflicts but still I would say she has never said sorry about anything or reconsidered her position and changed her mind about it. It's been debilitating for me to already know when something comes up, she will never see it any other way than her way. I cannot be heard by her. As for her being messy, she has always been that way. But if I do something in the relationship she doesn't like, I change it. But once again, talking to her about it has done nothing. So I either take her as she is or walk because she will not change. It sounds like I would leave her cause she won't pick up her clothes from the floor but that wouldn't be the reason. The reason is she knows I don't like it but she is inconsiderate towards my feelings or needs. Also, my whole family knows about our relationship. My friends know about it. No one in her family knows about me and she has said they never will. I don't think they even know where she lives. That makes me feel like crap. It is like she isn't ok being in a relationship with me. To add to that feeling, in the beginning we were frequently sexual. Now it is rarely. So, and I have to guess since she has trouble communicating with me, she isn't here because she finds me attractive and interesting and a good partner, she is here because she doesn't have any place else to go. That hurts me, too. (It is a little telling, I started writing this by being some what technical about the relationship- just the facts ma'm- but the more I wrote the more angry I got. I really am angry and disappointed in this relationship. I feel unheard and unloved.)
my advice..........re-read your post.

unless i missed something, the only POSITIVE thing you see regarding her is in your first post.....

"My YW is smart and articulate and beautiful. She is also very helpful with my 7 y.o. daughter. We generally get along pretty good."

everything else seems pretty dismal.
aren't you worthy of respect? this one line really jumped out at me....

"she is inconsiderate towards my feelings or needs."


re-read your posts. look at it as we see it. pretend you don't know the person who submitted it.


i leave you with your own words: ""she isn't here because she finds me attractive and interesting and a good partner, she is here because she doesn't have any place else to go. "


:(

my best to you

Tracy

I think it's especially telling that she has blatantly informed you that she is not willing to tell her family about you! That must really hurt! And it also speaks volumes!
Sorry, but I agree with the other ladies. Sounds like you can do much better.
Good luck! And let us know how it goes.
Leety

Thank you all for your input. I've fallen into that trap of familarity and inertia and I am now trying to climb out of it. I've just gotten used to her stuff. But now it is getting more and more uncomfortable to me and I need to act. Again, thanks for everyone's input. I'll keep you posted.

Considering you've been together 2 years, could counseling be a possibility? To help you two reconnect?

I'm not sure its time to "give up," but you definitely need to have a LONG overdue heart to heart. Find out what's going on in her head...

~phos

I've asked for that and she won't go. I think she has a lot of unresolved issues that she doesn't want to discuss and I think she has a hard time being public about our relationship and the age difference. So to talk to a therapist about it would be too much and too exposing for her.

:confused: Cut his losses? It doesn't sound like he's 100% sure that's what he WANTS to do. I think COMMUNICATION is in order and it also sounds like she could USE therapy, whether they do it together or not.

Two years IS a long time to be together and for a couple who seemingly WANTS a solution on how to make things better, it HAS been known to work.

:rolleyes:

Oh... how committed is she? Do you know? She is a part of his daughter's life. I think she deserves a say in the whole scenario and not a giant kick to the curb. Sensitivity is in order, me thinks. Not just a "dump her" attitude.

Edited to add: Two years... is generally when relationships hit a slump. Especially when living together. It's NOT unlike being married. Also, 60% good says a lot. It's still weighed on the he's getting SOMETHING from the relationship side or it would be under 50%. That's definitely NOT reached "dump the loser" levels. Sheesh

~phos

I'm going to keep my mouth shut in the whole counseling debate.

But I will say this....at 25...she needs to grow up. Some of the behaviors she's exibiting are just childish.

My dad used to yell at me for not taking responsibility for my part in a problem or situation.

As for being messy...I'm messy also...but guess what...when living with someone else....You've got to learn to compromise and keep things neater. Its not hard.

It just sounds to me like she needs to grow up. I wish I knew what to tell you in order to get her to grow up. What a sucky situation.

I agree that you do deserve more than just a 60% good relationship.

Nadine.