Insecure

Hi everybody!
I'm new. I'm happy that there's a forum like this. I was beginning to think I was all alone out here. I am 23 and my OM is 47. We are very much in love and have been together for 4 years. (I met him when I was 19). We actually met at an indian ashram and we're both very spiritually connected I guess you could say. He's the first real 'man' I've ever been with and sometimes I get really insecure and jealous of his past releationships because of my lack of experience. He tells me I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever known.....
Ok. So here's my question. He was still keeping in contact with his ex the first year we were together. I got upset about it and he said he wasn't attracted to her anymore and just wanted to be her friend. In my mind, I thought, how could he only think of her as a friend when she was once his lover, he's made love to her, and they were together for several years. I don't understand that. SO now he doesn't keep in contact with her anymore because she got remarried and stopped writing him. But, He told me there was nothing wrong with keeping in contact with her.....Is he right?
SO now, I have this guy friend who writes me letters sometimes because we are friends. Everytime I get a letter from him, my boyfirend gets jealous and says he has deeper intentions. Maybe he does, but I don't. Now the tables are turned. I am not attracted to this friend in that way. He's really into GOD and writes me formal and insightful letters sometimes with spritual messages. I really do enjoy his FRIENDSHIP. SO when I defended myself to my OM, I brought up the fact that he thought it was ok to write to a woman he's been intimate with in the past, but that it's not ok for me to write to a guy I've NEVER gone there with and never will. It just feels unfair. He didn't agree with me. I feel misunderstood....

Also, my OM wants to spend his life with me but he doesn't want to get married or have children. He's never been married or had children. I don't want children either but the marriage issue makes me really insecure sometimes.

The thing is, we love each other and he sincerely wants to stay with me and I feel the same but how do I get rid of this insecurtiy? He says real marriage takes place in the heart not on paper and that many marriages fail because of wrong intention. He gets defensive when I bring up the issue and says: So you just want me for marriage? We'll if your just going to leave me......how can I trust that you really want ME, ect. He says he'll love me the best he can if we don't get married because we will be together out of the free choice of our hearts...I'm really confused and people in my family kinda look down on us for that and it hurts. BUt I understand what he's saying and there is truth in it. Can I get some opinions on this? I really want to be happy with him because he is the most beautiful man I've ever known and I want to stay with him....

hi agentoog, i moved your thread to the older man/younger woman 'relationship' section in the hopes of you getting some good advice and feedback.

my suggestion would be in the form of a question.....these things you mention....the jealousy, double-standards, unwillingness to commit in the form of marriage................can you live with that?

best of luck

Tracy

Hmmm. Well first...let me say welcome! :D

Second...I have no idea what to tell you about the friend issue. I had an ex who wouldn't let me talk to my guy friends...I think its a guy problem...they think all guys are out to scam on their women. *sigh* Boys...

As for the marriage thing. I think you've just got to sit down and let him know how important it is to you...and more importantly....why its important to you. It sounds to me like he's trying to keep his options open. Thats why he doesn't want to commit.

He's right...marriage does take place in the heart. But when it's on paper for some reason...its stronger. If you look at it from another angle...there are tons of benifits to being legally married. There's a reason people are fighting for same-sex marriages to be legal...they want the same benifts afforded to us. So obviously there are some benifits.

I lost where I was exactly going with that....but I hope it made sense. *smile*

But anyways...like Tracy said....can you live with all the BS?

Nadine.

Oh Dear!... I had a same problems with my ex before. He forbiden any male to call me. If I does received any calls and talk to them he will make a hell out of me.

About the marriage, he told me that he cant see himself getting married in the next 5yrs or before any of his friend get married. He said dont like the commitment
dont like to have children as he dont want to stress himself. He said I want marriage because I just want to get married just like any other gals. I was hurt but I still be with him until one day I decided to leave him. This is not all I want in my life.

To me marriage is a very beautiful things it's the best gift ever a man give to the woman he love the most - Recognition. Ya it's true marriage comes from the heart and not from paper or ceremony. But then if you can give your hearts why not giving the paper? If you just want to get married, you can get any other man not only him which a man with a huge age gap.

it's the best way to talk to him... tell him how u feel and reason out with him to find the best solutions. All the best for you. ;)

but at the same time, it doesn't have to be complicated.

A couple of observations... I think the central point here is that you did not want him to have the sort of relationship that you now want him to allow you to have!

This is about intimacy, perhaps. You resent his contact with a woman he used to be intimate with; he resents your contact with a man you obviously feel some intimacy with...

He's right about one thing... marriage will not resolve insecurities and trust issues. If you both can learn to manage those, the marriage issue may just take care of itself.

I'd suggest several heartfelt talks about what you both want from each other and what you are willing to give of each other. Ban the word marriage from the discussion. Stay focused on the relationship.