A question of life choices

Hey,

So i'm still going back and forth about what to do with my older guy. Should we break it off? Should we go for it and start acting like we're going to be together as long as we're still alive and in love? What i've decided to do is sit down and make a list of what's important to me and what's not so that I can weigh these things. I really love this guy and I want to feel that if things DON'T work out, it's not because we didn't exhaust all our efforts. And i'd like to hear what y'all think! :cool:

What i'm getting at is that age-gap relationships can be tough (like y'all didn't realize that, duh!), especially ones as big as mine (27 yrs.). My first concern in children. Now I know that my older guy does not want children at 51 yrs of age and I support that because I think it's kind of unfair to the kid. (That's my personal belief at this time, and who knows, beliefs change.) I don't necessarily want kids, but i'm not ruling it out either. I think this could be a big deciding factor for me in continuing this relationship. Maybe I don't want kids now, but who knows how i'll feel when i'm 34 as opposed to 24 and that urge to have a child is there! I'm really afraid of that. I fear that we could be so much more attached and more deeply committed that it would just be a heartbreaking life experience all around. I don't think it's an absolute that women MUST have children (well, obviously SOME have to and they will), and I think I might actually prefer a "childless" life, but like I said--THINGS CHANGE! Has this happened to anyone?

The other major deciding factor for me is being left behind at a fairly young age. (I consider being alive and active YOUNG!). Let's say he lives to a ripe age of 87--hey i'm still 60! Am I going to be OK with that? Or am I going to regret it? He's such an active, thoughtful, attractive man, that it's not hard for me to imagine him going strong until the bitter end--whenever that might be.

I've concluded that the looks, stares, and opinions of others are not the deciding factor here. It did take me awhile to get to that point, and admittedly I struggle with it still at times, because I think it just reminds me of these other more important issues that i've mentioned above that I MUST address. But, I know he and I have taken great care in our relationship to think things through so that we don't hurt each other, so if any outsider were to ever tell me otherwise--I would laugh and say they didn't know what the heck they were talking about! I say this with absolute confidence!

(Side note: Do you ever find yourselves paying attention to and looking at couples who are obviously in age-gap relationships out of pure, insatiable curiosity? I do this all the time! I really should watch myself, because it might be interpreted that I am looking at them and being judgmental. And I of all people know what that feels like! It's kind of funny...) But anyway...

I feel the need to mention that I don't have anything against guys my own age. I was involved with a great guy for nearly 5 years who was my age, and have dated guys my own age here and there before this new relationship. I WISH that I felt this way about someone my own age so that I could be dreamin' and hangin' with him right now instead of fretting over this stuff! But, I am so in love that it is worth it to me.

I'd really like to hear from some people on this, esp. those who are in relationships with age gaps of 20+ years, and some older folks who maybe have crossed these bridges and can provide some insight about it. I'm sure i'm not the only one thinking about this stuff! Does anyone have the answers??!???!??!?!?

Thanks for reading! You guys are the best! :D

"In prosperity it is very easy to find a friend; in adversity nothing is so difficult"-Epictetus

Yes, "age gap" relationships have their challenges.

But relationships (with an age gap or not) are supposed to be in a large part about love, are they not? Choosing a life partner is not like trying on dresses and seeing which one fits and looks the best.

Here's the question that belongs at the top of your list: "Do we love each other enough to work through any issue or challenge we are handed?"

Loripop and I have a 33 year age gap. I keep falling in love with her... over and over... deeper and deeper. One day when that happened in the early stages I was whining about leaving a young widow and she said, "If I only get a year with you, that's better decades with someone else."

I've posted elsewhere that love does NOT conquer all, but it damn well motivates you to want to conquer things! How could I not love this woman? How can we not build an "us" that will survive anything life hands us?

I'm certainly not against thinking through the issues... Loripop and I do that all the time! But sometimes these questions sound like "hmmm... do I want him or someone younger? do I want him or children? do I want...?"

Contrary to much popular wisdom, we can't always have it all. The simple answer is to figure what we want the most, get it and keep it.

Hi Wallypop,

Yes I agree with what you're saying. Maybe the fact that I am so bothered by these issues is an indicator that i'm not strong enough to overcome them. Maybe I just think i'm more in love then I actually am. It sure doesn't feel that way to me when I think about him, but maybe i'm being naive.

It doesn't help that i've gotten negative feedback from family members and outsiders. For awhile, I was talking about it with everybody to try to get some words of wisdom. I did, but I also got some empty looks. I wish I wasn't, but i'm so sensitive to those things.

Well, all is not lost. I'm in a decision-making phase. And, that's perfectly normal. I am not trying on dresses. I am deciding what to do with the rest of my life.

Wallypop--i'd love to hear more from you! Please continue to share your input...

Hi! I think you and I have really similar feelings about age gaps. I'm starting to get involved with an older man now (another age-gap relationship :eek: ) and I am afraid of a lot of the issues you bring up. I also don't have the answers. :o

I do think that you are being smart and realistic about your relationship, which can be a really difficult thing to do when you are in love. So, I don't think it's a bad thing, but it does make it difficult to relax and just enjoy what you have!

About kids...I agree that you may change your mind later. I did. With my last boyfriend, I thought I could fit into his life - not have kids, keep our seperate houses etc, but in the end I started to fantasize about babies, family etc...and I just didn't see it working this way with him.

Is he completely set against having kids with you or is there a possibility that it could happen? Like Wally said, you have to figure out what you really need, and what you want but can do without and still be happy (and it sounds like you are doing this).

I struggle with the growing old part too. I'm hoping that if this relationship I'm starting works out in the long term, that with time I'll come to accept that my life will not be like this, and be ok with it.

And I worry too that maybe I just don't love him enough, because if I did I wouldn't be having these concerns and, like Loripop, would just be happy to be with my guy for whatever amount of time I have. I guess though, that I've been in enough relationships to know that it is part love, part compatibility, part commitment and part work that makes a strong lasting relationship.

Anyhow, it is nice to know that others have similar concerns. ;)

Thanks so far for your words of advice. Wow Cabin Fever, the way you described your thoughts about your last age-gap relationship is so similar to the way I feel now.

He has never said "No way, no how will I ever have a child" but I really have to stop disallusioning myself and go forward with this thinking that he just doesn't want kids. I don't know how I feel about men over 50 having kids anyway. Is it really fair to them? I don't know and i'd like to be convinced otherwise. (I have nothing against other people making this choice--it's personal and highly individualized.) Do I think he'd make a great father? Hands down he'd be great, but that just might be a fantasy.

How do people feel about kids after 50? I want to hear some success stories!

Cherubino, i'm going to buy that book the minute I get a chance. I hope it really does help me out...you're probably right that i'm driving myself nuts and getting nowhere.

Well, my dad was about 55 when my parents had my younger sister. There was no issues regarding his age with the raising of my sister. There were many other issues in our family, but his age was not one of them. Mind you, he was, and still is, active and fit so it never seemed like he was any older than other dads. Anyhow, that's my experience!

Hi Wallypop,

Yes I agree with what you're saying. Maybe the fact that I am so bothered by these issues is an indicator that i'm not strong enough to overcome them. Maybe I just think i'm more in love then I actually am. It sure doesn't feel that way to me when I think about him, but maybe i'm being naive.

Maybe you are being smart! I think one of the hardest parts of relating when there is a significant difference (age or otherwise) is determining with some certainty that you BOTH want to overcome it - or even learn to love it.



It doesn't help that i've gotten negative feedback from family members and outsiders. For awhile, I was talking about it with everybody to try to get some words of wisdom. I did, but I also got some empty looks. I wish I wasn't, but i'm so sensitive to those things.



Another huge part of the formula! This area can be as simple as defining how important other people's approval and acceptance is to you... or as complicated as trying to develop an understanding of the concept of independence in a relationship and life in general.


Well, all is not lost. I'm in a decision-making phase. And, that's perfectly normal. I am not trying on dresses. I am deciding what to do with the rest of my life.


Forgive the dress analogy... it was an attempt to create perspective. I think the point I was trying to make is that in the final analysis the dress you purchase is the one you love. It might need some alteration... you might wish the color was a shade darker... but... wow, it works.

I guess I'd also throw in a caution... don't try to decide only WHAT you are going to do with your life... factor in HOW you are going to do it... and in the course of that, who you are going to do it with.

Wallypop--i'd love to hear more from you! Please continue to share your input...

Since the child issue has been central... let me share just briefly. When Loripop and I were first exploring our love and relationship... that was an early topic. I can assure you that I was not exactly ready to start planning a family... and we even discussed the fact that I was not a great choice if she saw lots of babies in her future...

Fast forward a little... I've now seen how much she loves children. As our love has grown... one day I realized I was looking at children a little differently... and I found myself saying to her "You know... I could see us making a little 'us' together... almost a shame not to... because the 'us' should be perpetuated..." and, in a way, I see how I could become the one who wants a child... Yeah, that's a little scary. LOL

Now that does not negate the practical considerations... but like so many things, we are finding that we can make these decisions together. It's interesting, because we are both strong-willed (not stubborn LOL) but we are somehow yielding our individual wills to our love, to each other, and to the "us" that we test our decisions against.

Oh... I believe it was last month's AARP magazine that had a feature article about couples in their 50's and 60's starting families (adoption, mostly). Very interesting!

I think it's wonderful to see an older couple with kids. I really do. I seem to notice it more and more, and maybe that's just because it's on my mind...there are enough kids out there with parents in their teens who couldn't provide half of the love and attention that an older couple could.

But for my situation, I really don't think that would ever happen. He didn't want kids when he was thirty, and he doesn't want kids now. I respect that.

Alas, the living situation. The other night we were talking and I was asking him how he felt about living with someone. (He has never lived with anyone). He didn't think he could do it...now some of this is him being "stuck in his ways", and i've seen him mellow out about similar things. He correctly assumed that I was alluding to him and I living together. I told him that these were things I have to think about. Like CabinFever, I don't think I can live my life with someone completely separate from them and living apart. I don't think it would be enough for me. So here I am dealing with a man who on top of questioning his future with a younger woman, has trouble thinking about living with someone--even someone his own age!

Wallypop--I really do like your dress analogy. How long did it take you to seriously pursue your relationship and get over whatever hang-ups you might have had?

Arghh--I do wish love conquers all but it doesn't seem to be working in my situation.

my older guy does not want children at 51 yrs of age and I support that because I think it's kind of unfair to the kid.

I don't agree with that at all. I'm 48 and just had a baby and I love him like my own life. I have lots of friends whose parents who were in their 40s or older when they were born. It's not that big a deal. What's more unfair to the kid is a father who is too young and immature and shirks his responsibility to the family, eventually leaving the kid abandoned!

If you read on, you would see that it's just a personal opinion of mine. You would also see that I want to change that opinion, and I have been trying. Absolutely, an older couple could provide just as much--even more--love and care than a younger couple. Believe me, I am starting to turn around on that topic. Thanks and Congratulations on your new baby!....my only hang-up was the thought that as we get older, there's a greater chance we won't be around for all the important coming of age events. Yes, true, a younger parent could be in a fatal car accident, but it's not as guaranteed as getting older is. Just a thought that I personally think about.... ;)

My husband and I have a 21-yr gap (49/28).

Forget about the widow issue. Yes, statistically speaking, your bf will likely die before you do, but that is certainly not a given. YOU can die at any time too! Don't try to predict how you might feel about things 40 yrs from now. That's impossible and you'll just end up driving yourself crazy.

The real issue I see is the kid one. At 24, you really are a bit young to decide definitively that you don't want kids. Granted, some people your age will swear up and down the wazoo that they don't want kids EVER, but I personally would never close the door on such an important life decision. I didn't want kids when I was 24 either, but now every time I see a baby (like MeraLove's cutie!!!), I can feel my ovaries throb. Lucky for me, my husband wants a new baby.

You just never know, so don't sign away the farm yet!


OHHH THANK YOU!! Dennis gets cuter everyday if thats even possible!! Hes 15 months old now!!!!

Anyway.. Great advice like always..... It is young to decide if you don't want kids an I have also heard so many times I don't want kids and then things change.. sometimes mother nature kicks in and that urge to reproduce is to strong.... ITs wierd how nature works :) You both need to get exactly what you need from the relationship.. if you both have the exact same goals then go for it.. however if you want children and he doesn't thats a HUGE issue... You dont' want to live with regrets.... My husband is 17 years older than I am .. i am 30 and my husband is 47... in love with a gorgeous baby boy... we plan on getting pregnant again next year :)

Wallypop--I really do like your dress analogy. How long did it take you to seriously pursue your relationship and get over whatever hang-ups you might have had?


Hmmmm.... not sure I have - totally? LMAO It was, I think, a couple of months when it hit me... in the simplest terms I sorta woke up one day and realized, "I love this woman so much we gotta deal with these 'hang ups' so we can be together!" As I recall, I ussed Loripop a warning that in very short order there would be no turning back.

I think relationships need something of a goal and purpose to remain the healthiest. Once you establish that you let it drive the relationship and deal with the stuff in the way together, including the hangups. (Interesting that the subtle purpose of marriage historically was to have kids and make a family.)

I only say "not sure I have - totally" because we are both still learning and discovering things about ourselves and each other and the "us" we are growing.

I was thinking about this thread last night... and it occurred to me that one more thing needs to be said... it takes two open-minded and flexible people to approach this the way we are. It's really neat... we are both strong-willed, but have our energy channeled towards a very mutual goal.