selfish friend vs. my OM

so me and my female friend jamie whom i recently graduated with have been good friends for the past 5 years. when it got to be around our graduation i began dating my friend mike whom i have known and been good friends with for about a year. he's (38) my friend jamie (18) has an issue with the fact that im dating an "adult" and dosnt understand why im "wasting my life away" and "missing out on all the fun". Although she has no interest in getting to know him nor why my relationship with him works, and why we connect so well. she frequently wants to know what happened to me and why im not acting like myself anymore when in fact its because i have moved on from our silly behavior in higschool and she hasnt. im ready to move on with my life, be in a mature and steady relationship, get msyelf through school and enjoy life as an adult. jamie on the other hand is frequently upset when things dont go her way, dosnt understand why "mike is taking me away from her" and why im "throwing five years of friendship away". along with making ALL my other friends uncomfterble when he's around (although this isnt the case) and why i cease to care anymore. in an angry e-mail she sent me she told me that WHEN he leaves me (as she wont get to know him or our relationship) she'll just say i told you so. shes still very stuck in highschool mode and any effort to explain this only makes her mad and on the defense of the fact that im "growing up to fast" and not having fun anymore. i have tried to tell her that it is my life not her's, and if she dosnt wish to be friends anymore because im dating someone that dosnt meet her expectations then thats a choice she will make. she also mentions to me that she will never stop judging it because it is wrong and the rest of society wont eaither. i know that these things are coming from the mode of highschool and because we're not as close as we use to be and she's hurt by that, but what she says hurts and i cant seem to get threw..is there anything i can do or should i give up on these five years of friendship and just accept its time we go our seperate ways?

I've said it before...and I'll say it again. HS friends are not forever. It can happen yes...but its rare.

It sounds like your friend is being a crappy friend. Is there something going on in her personal life right now that might be underlying this?

My advice would be to continue to be polite to her, but maybe move on. She'll either grow up or you'll be better off without her.

I'm sorry to hear your friend is acting this way...I know how much it sucks. *hug*

Nadine.

Well... the problem here is how do you maturely solve a problem with an immature person? If she were reasonable and rational you might:

1. Agree to disagree.
2. Continue to share a friendship at some level.
3. Meet in the middle, both accepting the fact that you are in different places.

Unfortunately, when you are dealing with (apparently) a spoiled brat, the only option often becomes:

4. None of the above.

Friendships are based on things in common. What do you have in common with Jaime?

The age of your boyfriend doesn't matter, the fact that you have one does. She wants to be the center of your world - actually her world and she does not want her world to change one bit. You're right, it's high school behavior. Unfortunately it takes some people a long time to grow out of it and some people never do.

One reason for that is that we allow them to stay there. If you let her continue to hurt you, you are only encouraging her to remain immature. You'll be doing her a favor if you simple stop tolerating it - even if it means the "end" of a friendship. (That's in quotes because the friendship is over already.)

Spoiled brat is right! She sounds like a piece of work.

I had a girlfriend back in Highschool who stayed my friend all throughout college. She was a GREAT friend and we were on similar playing field for many years... until I got pregnant and then married.

She became the most abominable friend EVER. She would come over to my house, then proceed to act "bored" and call her other friends (while at my house) looking for something to do. Everytime she would come over, she would be calling other people in very short order and making other plans and ignoring me and she never showed an interest in my baby or my married life or anything. We, literally, were no longer playing with the same deck of cards. I finally told her that I couldn't be friends with her anymore, that I couldn't tolerate her abuses of our friendship coming over to my house and calling other people and treating me like CRAP. I kicked her out.

Fast forward, five years. I've gotten divorced, remarried and pregnant again. I keep having thoughts of this friend, and decide ~ about a month after my daughter is born, to write a letter to her at her Dad's old house ~ hoping to reconcile our friendship for old times sake.

About a month later, I get a call from her and she was absolutely THRILLED to hear from me and we spent a couple hours on the phone catching up. In the five years we hadn't spoke, she and her boyfriend got married, bought a house and had a baby girl. Who was, oddly enough, born 3 weeks after my daughter. We were pregnant at the same time!! :eek:

It turned out that she was jealous of my marriage and having a baby and having to SHARE me and seeing me happy (without her as a major part of my life) upset her. She can't justify those feelings, because she knows she wasn't ready to move into that life just yet, and yet she understands (now) why I had to become so IMMERSED in my reality of married life and parenthood. It really WAS just that we were at different places in our lives.

I think SkiBunny is right here. You really DO have to make time for your friends outside of your relationship. Do not immerse yourself so deeply with your OM that YOU cut off your friends, just because they aren't in the same place you are.

Some people might call her spoiled... I call her 18. NORMAL. And she IS worried about your jumping too fast ahead of her, and I'm sure it's not an easy transition for her, either. BE PATIENT.

My Dad just lost his best friend of 50 years. Imagine that. FIFTY years. They've met and became fast friends around the time you and your girlfriend became friends and saw eachother through hundreds of changes and hard times and transitions and the key to their friendship? Accepting the others faults and differences... no one is perfect.

Your decision here shouldn't be between your OM and your friend. And you should tell your friend that. She's feeling threatened... and unfortunately, when we're 18, we can't exactly pinpoint WHY we feel the way we do and we end up doing stupider things ~ like freaking out and alienating our friends in hopes they will see the light. Stupid, I know.

Be patient. She is lashing out because of a combination of factors, but in large part her whole basis for that is she doesn't want to see YOU get hurt. One of life's really hard lessons is that trying to keep someone else from getting hurt the route she's going only hurts them DIFFERENTLY. But, she's 18. You can't expect her to know that yet. ;)

Tell her you're hurt. Tell her you'd like to continue the friendship, if she's willing. But don't let her dictate your choices. If she loves you as a friend, she WILL eventually come around.

And I'm sorry, I don't buy the BS that highschool friends aren't forever. They CAN be. If you put forth the effort and stay in touch with them. They absolutely CAN be.

~phos

That's great advice Phos.

I have a bit of a story too. I lost ALL my friends when I totally immersed myself in a relationship with a guy who didn't like them. I was basically in the situation of having to choose them or him. And I chose him. Anyhow, though I don't regret the relationship, I am constantly sad that I lost my highschool friends. I wonder what they are doing, and I hear periodically through the grapevine that so-and-so has gotten married, and someone has had a baby. But, I feel so terrible for pushing them out of my life, that I just can't bring myself to approach them. True, as you get older you meet other people that you have more common interests etc, but there is something about your highschool friends that you went through so many things with.

:eek: Cabin, hon... grab a piece of paper and write to the ones who meant the most to you. You'd be AMAZED at how people change and grow and many of them probably wonder about YOU, too. Don't be afraid.

I can't even tell you how HARD it was to write my friend. OH was it WORTH IT!
~phos

I think you need to keep your friends...not pick your boyfriend over them...my best friend in the whole world, who I have been best friends with since I was 10 (8 years) wasn't thrilled with my boyfriend that was 40. And I did pick him over her, most of the time..(its hard not too, especially when the relationship is new)

But then she moved down to Pueblo, CO, 2 hours from where I live. And now I have needed her more than ever because of my break up. I have gone down to her house 5 times now, mostly on a whim because of the break up. All I have to say, is thank god i didn't push her away because I need her friendship now more than I ever have.



:o

And I'm sorry, I don't buy the BS that highschool friends aren't forever. They CAN be. If you put forth the effort and stay in touch with them. They absolutely CAN be.


I don't happen to think that what I said about high school friends not being forever is BS. I also don't appreashiate the fact that you said it was BS.

Yes you can stay friends with your HS friends....my two best friends are both from High School.

The point is though....that we become different people when we finish high school....and start our real lives. It takes time and effort to keep those friendships. For every one friend you still have from HS...how many do you not have?

Nadine.

:eek: Hon, you just contradicted yourself.

I'm sorry if you're offended that I called you on the statement, but it IS BS. Many, many, many people maintain HS friendships over a lifetime.

You even stated so yourself... AAAHHHHH... I wasn't trying to piss you off.

~phos

okay okay.. some people maintain hs friends and some dont. my question is what do i do with this one?

OK ladies.... Retract the claws! :rolleyes:

I have one friend that has been like a sister since we were 5yrs old! (that's 35yrs ago) We grew up together and it wasn't always a bed of roses. We had our spats and went through periods of ignoring one another for stupid reasons. The one thing that always brought us back together was LOVE..... we truly loved each other like sisters and still do to this day! The thing is you have to put that love ahead of petty stuff and forgive and comprimise sometimes.

In this case, I have some suggestions that have worked for me in the past.
(yes, my gf and I went thru a similar situation once)

1) Go up to her and say "dammit girl, even though you being a royal pain right now..... I luv ya and always will." Hug her like you mean it.

2) Tell her that you don't want the friendship to end, but this griping about your romantic choices is making you crazy. Tell her that she can be concerned for you, offer her opinions, pray for you, burn some incense or whatever she feels like - but true friendship is not trying to control what the other is doing ...but loving them in spite of it. Ask her to "agree to disagree" and try to salvage what's left of this bond.

3) Make time for her, but not always on her terms. Set aside a saturday afternoon to go shopping or get a pedicure and say "I want YOU to spend some time with me!"

4) Try to get a mutual agreement out of her to "not discuss your s/o" for now. That this FRIENDSHIP is not about nit-picking your relationship apart. That means you'll have to find other things to talk about until she gets over herself. Eventually you can slip some happy stuff in when you think she's softening her stance.

It's really up to you if she's worth the effort, patience and yes forgiveness. Five yrs together is a long time at that age and she's probably scared of the big world without you. Maybe she's developed an unhealthy dependence on you and needs to start getting her own footing.

Drawing new boundaries in an established friendship is hard work, but can pay off down the road when you two find yourselfs laughing over the silly stuff you did "back then".

Good luck dear
gypsy