How do you know if he's the right one??

Alright, I was going to post this question in another thread over in the OW/YM section and then thought better of highjacking MissB's thread ;)

How do you know that you are with the right guy?? I'm feeling torn right now - I've got three men who I could see myself with and I am completely torn between them. :confused:

I don't want to get into details too much, but for those of you that KNOW you are with the love of your life, how did you know, and when did you know???

An, I know I've directed this to women, but guys feel free to jump in too - the more advice the better. Thanks all!!!! :)

Hmm... interesting question. To be honest, at first... I didn't know. I definitely didn't know with my first husband, and took a chance. I never thought of him as "the one." He wasn't.

I was absolutely convinced my second husband was "the one," and he was NOT. I think the fact that I was so convinced should have been the first warning sign. ;)

Now with Litical.. it's not so much that I think he's "THE ONE" and we're going to be together forever and ever in some fantasy world kind of Disney life. It's more that I cannot imagine my life without him in it ~ because we are so good together. We compliment each other. We are NOT the same. His strengths are in areas where I am weak and my strengths where he is weak and through that, we're growing together...

... but the doubt and fear and anxiety and worry. They're ALL there. And I think when they are not, is when we're really walking into it with blinders on and in due time, we shall be in for a BIG BIG surprise. And it's rarely a "nice" surprise. RARELY.

You know, Cabin... you and your ex only broke up a while ago. No need to jump into anything yet. (Advice I wish I had followed... even though Litical IS amazing and I don't regret jumping into this adventure with him) Three guys? Don't be in a hurry to choose. :D

~phos

Call me up on my deathbed and I'll tell you if he was the one or not.

There's a million ways to tell if someone is NOT the one, but nothing but time can tell you if someone IS the one. ;)

Yeah I agree that it's much easier to tell when they aren't the "one" then when they are the "one" for sure. With my first two husbands I so knew they weren't the ones. Both I settled for because of the circumstances going on in my life and it seemed like a good idea at the time.

With my OM now, we just found each other and clicked. The more we talked the more we clicked until we realized we were truly in love with each other. Like fos4snt said, I just can't imagine my life without him in it. I certainly pray that he is my last great love that I will ever know. I do plan to live my life as if he is until there is nothing left. :)

i think a few ways of knowing u are with 'the one' is if u truly feel like he/she is the only one u have ever been with, everyone and everything in your past is meaningless and u feel at ease and it feels real in every way.

From a different vantage:

The right guy will honor you.

He will make you feel good about yourself.

He will make you feel confident and secure about your relationship even when he's not around.

He will trust you.

You will trust him.

He will not try to change you in any way.

You will not want to try to change him.

He will willingly bring you into his life completely.

You will want to share your life with him completely.

He will not hide things from you.

You will not want to hide things from him.

He will open up to you.

You will want to open up to him.

He will not play games with you.

You will not play games with him.

He will want you to be a part of his life and be a part of yours but won't demand that you be his whole life and nothing else. And you'll feel the same.

You'll be on the same wavelength a lot of the time.

You'll probably share many of the same interests, likes, dislikes, family traits, experiences, spiritual beliefs and habits.

And Love will not be just a spoken word, but will, instead, show in both of your actions.

WOW well put Kristen, totally agreed with everything and it sounds like what i share with my man. So i guess he's the one!

Yeah I agree that it's much easier to tell when they aren't the "one" then when they are the "one" for sure. With my first two husbands I so knew they weren't the ones. Both I settled for because of the circumstances going on in my life and it seemed like a good idea at the time.

With my OM now, we just found each other and clicked. The more we talked the more we clicked until we realized we were truly in love with each other. Like fos4snt said, I just can't imagine my life without him in it. I certainly pray that he is my last great love that I will ever know. I do plan to live my life as if he is until there is nothing left. :)

Pita, i was married twice too and i believe my reasons were similar to yours, nice to know im not alone. and u are right i feel exactly the same way now with my YM. life without him is inconceivable!

Thanks everyone! :)

Phos, I totally know that it is way way too soon to be getting involved....but I think I'm falling for a guy. Logically, I think I should just wait until I've had more time on my own but on the other hand I can't stop thinking about him. And I also start thinking that maybe I should go back to my ex and give it another try. And then there's this other guy.... :confused:

Kristin, I love that list you posted. Thanks!

Also, I'm glad that it's not like all of you knew that your partner was "the one". I felt like this with one guy, and it didn't work out. Now, I think I hold that up as the bar to judge other relationships by. If it doesn't feel the same, I tend to think that it's just not going to work out. So, maybe I need to re-evaluate this - I guess there is a balance.

Why does life get more complicated and confusing the older we get!?

Kristin, I love that list you posted. Thanks!

Why does life get more complicated and confusing the older we get!?
Glad you liked it, but it wasn't meant to just be a "warm fuzzy." I thought of everything that went WRONG in my past relationships - both faults with the man and with my own feeling about the man.

I think the biggest mistake is trying to change the OP. If either of you feels that way, it's wrong.

And things really don't get more complicated. As you get older, it gets easier to sort through the bull ***!

And love doesn't wait until you're ready or come when you need it. It just happens.

I met Jeremy just before my last bf was killed in a mugging. We got together only 1.5 months after it happened and have been together ever since. I had serious reservation about getting involved so soon (the relationship with the bf was a very rocky one, too) but I couldn't help how I felt about Jeremy. And I thought a little fun and adventure would take my mind off of things. I never expected to fall in love and feel like I've finally found my soul mate!

I couldn't answer "True" to all of the above list with ANY man of my past - only Jeremy. And it took me a lot of experience and a lot of growing and self-examination to see it.

Good luck! :)

because the older we get the more certain we are of what we won't settle for!

Wow, Kristin that was a very intense start to your relationship. I had no idea about what happened to your last BF. That is terrible.

Well, from our relationship so far (known him a couple years, and just became much closer over the last month while I've been away at school), he fits everything on the list. I keep trying to find fault with him and the only things I can come up with are his age, that he's been married before, and other equally silly things, like he's not a vegetarian... Him and I are eerily alike in so many other ways that it's starting to get a bit ridiculous.

he's not a vegetarian... Him and I are eerily alike in so many other ways that it's starting to get a bit ridiculous.
LOL! That describes us, too. But Jeremy has been pretty happy with eating less junk food and pork & beef. I'm a pretty good cook, so he enjoys what he is eating whether it has meat in it or not. (Except we went out to eat last night and he looked at the menu and said, "Wow, it's been a really long time since I've had a steak." So he had a steak.) We worked out the vegetarian thing pretty easily - so long as you don't try to force your menu on them and don't take offense at what THEY eat. LOL! It's really all about respect. If he can't respect you and honor your beliefs, then he's NOT the one!

And we are always finishing each other's sentences like couples who have been together for 40 years. And we see the world in the same colored light.

He just GETS me, you know?

Yeah, I know what you mean Kristin - I'm glad there's others out there that are really similar too. I always thought opposites attract - go figure.

The vegetarian thing isn't even a big deal. I eat meat sometimes (I have a thing for smoked salmon), and he wants to eat better and eat less meat.

I still come back though, to the worry of wanting to know NOW whether he's the right guy. I guess I just don't want to go through another heartbreak, or put someone through it. Which brings me back to the fact that it probably really is just too soon to get involved because I'm not ready to deal with a relationship at this point. Arg!

And we are always finishing each other's sentences like couples who have been together for 40 years. And we see the world in the same colored light. He just GETS me, you know?

Ugh, I am SO jealous...I wish I had had that kind of relationship with my OM. I am starting to talk to other guys, however...even though it has only been a week or 2 since my break up, which I am NOT over...but I think seeing and talking to other people helps you get over the other person.

Like, last night, I sat at home, alone, in OUR apartment, and I just cried, because I was so freakin' lonely and I just missed my OM. But then, today, I talked to this guy in one of my classes, that has just been a friend, and he totally made me feel better. (He is also 9 years older than me :eek: but...that seems like NOTHING, since my OM was 22 years older!!! :rolleyes: )

But anyways...I thought my OM was "The One" because I had never felt anything like that for anyone else...I think it just takes time...a lot of time... to know whether or not someone is the one...

just felt like i could be completely open with him about everything. he knows my deep dark secrets, that ive never told a soul, only him. i can talk to him about anything and he doesnt judge me for it. he is so accepting of me and genuinely cares about my son and i. i just knew.

I have a sister who's been married so many times I've lost count. I've occasionally said she's becoming the ideal wife by getting lots of practice.

Relationships are not ready-made and I think it's a bit tragic that many people spend countless (and somewhat hopeless) hours searching for the perfect mate.

I have a developing theory: if you find perfect love you've found your perfect mate.

Now you start working on the relationship and you base the relationship on love. That's a lot different than expecting the relationship to drive the love. In other words,

Screw traditional dating wisdom!

Ah... so how do you know it's perfect love?

A thousand ways! One big one for me: I can feel, really feel what she's feeling. I cry when she hurts and I laugh when she laughs.

She makes me feel complete. We both want what's best for the US and truly believe what's best for US is best for each of us.

I think I'm smart enough to know that this doesn't work for everyone... but in a strange way we are still enjoying discovering things about each other... things that maybe we 'should have known" before we fell in love?

NAH

LOL