Can lovers ever really be just friends again?

Hey all,

I called my older guy up the other night and told him that we needed to go our separate ways (relationship-wise). There are just some hang-ups that I don't seem to be able to overcome, and they were starting to eat me up inside. I have found myself becoming more and more isolated, and less able to talk about it with people. I feel like I have lost some friends over this--but that's probably just a natural response to what I feel right now. Anyway, our conversation was brief (it was late) and I have been feeling a tremendous mixture of sadness, hurt, anger, regret, relief, you name it. We haven't talked since and at this moment I do miss him tremendously.

Anyway, I really want to be friends with him at the very least but I don't want to fool myself. We tried being "friends" in the past and we just wound up scoffing at our laim efforts to break up and got close again. I don't deal well with break-ups--I hate saying good-bye, especially to him because neither one of us doesn't like the other and he has just been such a gem in my life.

I have even imagined living in the same small town, helping to care for him when he is older, being like family, etc. LOLOL. Am I being totally naive or can it really be this way? :confused: Maybe I just don't want to break up....anyway, have a good night all!

Yes, you do sound totally in love with him:)))

I don't really know what to say, except that I wish you the best during this difficult time and I hope that you will find some peace with your decision, whether it be to stay or go.

HUGS to you!

Can lovers ever really be just friends again?

Nope...they can't.

Hi.

My experience, for what it`s worth, says no can do. It always seems to go in a big circle ,friends then lovers then friends then lovers. Problem with circles is that no-one ever gets anywhere travelling in them.

I wish you all the best in whatever path you choose, take care.

My best friend is my ex. I alternately hated his guts and thought losing him would destroy me :rolleyes: at the time of our breakup. And now we get along so good - better than when we were together (mind you it took a couple years to get to this point). So it works for some people, but I do think it's the exception, rather than the norm.

If you do end up friends, it will happen on its own in good time. You'll likely go through a whole range of emotions first though! Hang in there...things work out for the best in the end. ;)

EDIT....and yes you do need to break through the friends, lovers, friends, lovers, circle before you can get to the true friends stage. In my experience, it took one of us falling in love with someone else for this to happen. Painful, but it works!

Nope....I don't think you can. I broke up with my ex...and then yesterday had to finally send him an email that said...look...please stop calling and emailing me....

I just couldn't handle being friends...it was getting in the way of my current relationship.

So No....I don't think lovers can drop down to being friends again.

Nadine.

One of my best friends in my ex boyfriend.It was difficult in the beginning but bow we're just so happy we're still in eachothers lives.

We can discuss anything:his girlfriends,my ex and current boyfriend.

And sometimes it's so funny because I forget that we know eachother so well from when we were a couple.

So maybe I'm a wrong example when it comes to lovers being just friends again because I know that's usually not the case.

Well I do wonder. Sometimes I think that friendship continues after the relationship ends because one still wants to be back in the relationship and is holding out hope. My last boyfriend still wanted to talk and hang out after we broke up, but I learned later that he never wanted the relationship to end and it was only until he accepted that it wouldn't happen did he stop calling.

I think I would want to stay in touch with my older friend because I still have feelings for him...sigh... :o

No, it is not a good idea. There could be residual emotions on either side which could affect a "friendship".

When I break up, as far as I am concerned, the ex is dead.

It sounds like you are trying to cling to this failed relationship because you are afraid to move on. Breaking up can be a life-shattering experience, but one that most of us go through more than once in our lifetime. You need to go through your mourning period and reaffirm your relationships with your true friends and your close family members to help fill the void.

You seem to be a very caring, loyal person who would make a great romantic partner. I am sure that you will eventually find someone new who will be as important to you as your ex once was.

Thanks Patricia! Brutally honest but good advice... :p

You must have good reasons, but I really don't understand why you would want to break up with a man you still have feelings for.

Personally when I love someone I am unable to un-love that person. No matter what happens I'm happy to keep the bond. Every day I thank heaven for my ex-s. They ARE my best friends and we are always there for each other.

Only two of my ex lovers decided to cut all ties with me and it hurt so bad. It took the first one 6 years to be able to become friends with me again and it's only limited to a few phone calls a year. He still calls me "ma puce" (my flee) and wants to make sure that I'm happy and all is well. We ran into each other by accident a few times during the 6 years and he refused to spend time alone with me even for a coffee. He admitted "I'm too weak, I know I'll fall for you again".

The second man is my ex-ym. It's been a year and 2 months exactly. I'm still hoping that we'll be able to be friends one day especially that it started as a great friendship and ended with a frustrating LDR.

So all of this to say that yes, and depending on the people involved and the circumstances, friendship after having been lovers is possible. Sometimes it takes a while and sometimes a very long time. But again, I have a feeling that you still need more than friendship with this man. So why are you breaking up ?

The only success I have had at this was taking a "break" from him..not seeing him...

We are great friends now but we only talk on the phone or email/instant message...Not sure how it would work if we actually "saw" one another again.

NO, lover's can never and will never be just friends...

Once you've been lovers you can't be friends.. well not right way anyway... honestly it would take a long time to ever become friends unless it's completely mutual... but sounds like you are still in love with him and only leaving the relationship because of what others are thinking..... so It probably wouldn't work... However he may want the relationship so it would kill him if he couldn't be with you like he wants.... so I do hope you guys figure this out and you both find out whats right for you!!

Saying that lovers can NEVER be friends is wrong IMHO. If you said that IN YOUR CASE it is impossible, I would understand, but generalising the concept is not right.

I just gave you examples, others did too, I can go on and give you more examples of wonderful stories of friendships between ex-lovers. I insist, IT IS POSSIBLE, meaning, IT DOES EXIST, it all depends on the people involved and the circumstances.

(this is NOT addressed to any poster in particular)

Becoming friends seems to be a different process for everyone.

I broke it off with him because I was starting to feel like his "mistress". He's not married, but he's very close friends with his ex. Lately, things weren't making sense: we were getting closer, and yet I was hearing about her more and more. He kept leaving me signals that seemed to say "No matter what, i'll never care about you as much as her." Why do I deserve to be treated like that? I don't have a problem with her (why would I?) but he was showing me no respect whatsoever. I've been feeling really hurt by it, but he would never understand where I was coming from. For instance, I would be over his house, he'd get a call from her, but he wouldn't mention that I was there. I can just imagine what he'd say "I don't want to hurt her feelings because she's not dating anyone else." To me, what he's really saying is "I'm being totally selfish and want to keep her around in case this doesn't work out so that i'm not alone with all of my poor life choices." (People--they broke up 5 years ago!) She's a damn saint as far as i'm concerned--either that or completely devoid of any self-confidence whatsoever.

Sometimes I get so angry thinking about it: I just want to say "What the hell did you open your door to me for? Why don't you just get with her?????????"

I am developing my own theories about THAT... :(

P.S. I should probably tell this to him, huh...

Do they have children together ?

You know if a guy cares about his ex-wive's feelings it's a good sign.

Both my ex-husbands have girlfriends now and I'm single.

I work with my first husband and we see each other every single day. There is absolutely no hope that we will get back together one day and his girlfriend totally trusts us. Him and I even travel together. Her and I get along perfectly well and we chat for hours on social gatherings.

My second husband and I have a child together, so it's diferent, we spend Christmas all three of us, sometimes he comes over for dinner or lunch, we talk for hours on the phone. Same story, his girlfriend knows that there's no going back together and she trusts him.

It all depends on the reasons of their breakup, are there solid and valid reasons ? were they still sexually active when they broke up ?

I think you should talk to him and ask for straight answers. Smetimes we make a big deal out of nothing. Try to find out more before seperating from a man that you love.

They don't have any children together. And I agree with you--I think it's a great sign that he cares for her and looks out for her so much. In no way, am I trying to march into his life and say "I'm the only one that's important now!" I was just feeling hurt that he was still "hiding" me (after a year). Why do we have to sneak around?

But you should be THE ONE now, his wife is his ex wife. Hiding you is not nice. You should talk to him.

edit: does he present you to his friends and family? Does his ex-wife know about you ?

It's a nice thought, but I don't think it works. My ex says she still wants to be friends, but I suspect she just wants to pry into my new relationship, under the guise of being friends. She was the one who broke it off with me after 3 years, and it seems when her life is not going well, she tries to re-enter mine, and tries to de-rail my new relationship. I was in love with her and we almost married. She is 42. I will always have feelings for her, but she hurt me deeply. Her past "friends" were always brought up in our relationship, and it bothered me. It is just a personal opinion, but I don't think it works.

For me, yes, I have been able to remain friends with a few ex's over the years. Guess it depends on the intensity of the relationship. It takes time to regroup and see the relationship in a new way.
It helps if you are friends during the relationship though. It doesn't sound like you and he are very good friends now so what is it that makes you want to be friends with him at any point later? To me, a friend is so very special and is always there for me and I them........is that the case at all here??????????????
Blessings, Tinydancer