Too Close Too Soon

My name is Rose, I'm 21 dating "T", a 31 year old. We've been seeing each other for about 4 months now. I knew him 3 years ago though, when we first kissed, and I don't think he would've had a problem then.

I'm lost, it seemed like everything was going perfect until I changed from a first shift job to a third shift job. He told me he loved me once, but I told him about a week ago and it's like he got cold feet all of a sudden. He told me my age bothers him because his eldest daughter is 14. He said that I'm too attached.

I know that it's true though. I am too attached. I don't know what to do away from him. I lay in bed and cry all day. It's been about two days since he's called me, and I'm scared to call him. I don't want to crowd him. He just got over a divorce when we started seeing each other, so I'm trying to give him time. But it just feels like he's slipping further and further away. The things that used to work aren't working anymore. I'm even crying now as I'm writing this.

I don't know what to think, I have no idea what's going on. I don't know what to do. I don't know anyone besides him. Should I keep waiting or should I run to him? I know I'm in love, and up until about two weeks ago, it seemed like he was too. He even said he was. But now it's like he's avoiding me. Someone please help me.....


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Ok, first of all, Rose - welcome to ageless. Second, here's a big (((((hug))))) for you! I can feel your pain coming through in your writing.

To be honest, what strikes me about your post is that you say you don't know anyone else except him, so I'm guessing that you don't have a support network of friends, and you also say that you don't know what to do without him and lay in bed and cry. It sounds like your relationship with this man has consumed your life and as much as it's painful and hard and scary, I think that it is best for you to try to focus on anything BUT him right now.

You are right in trying to give him some space after his divorce - I'm sure he needs this. And I think you need it too. So, I guess my advice is to focus on yourself. Take a course, or join a yoga or dance class or something like that you've maybe wanted to do. Try to focus on other aspects of your life and think about the good things you do have. Your relationship with "T" will play out how it is meant to - I'm not saying to necessarily break it off, just to focus on yourself more.

You need to stop focusing on your bf and start focusing on YOU. It sounds like he is withdrawing because you are becoming too clingy. He probably feels pressured to make you happy, but only YOU can make yourself happy.

WHY don't you know what to do when you're away from him?
WHY do you spend all day crying in bed?
WHY don't you go out and meet new friends?
WHY don't you immerse yourself in a hobby, something for YOU?

You should not keep waiting, nor should you run to him. Focus on doing things that makes YOU happy (and PLEASE don't say your bf is the only thing that makes you happy). Think about this from your bf's point of view. How interesting are you to hang out with if you cry all day and basically have no life?

Exactly Cherubino...find value in yourself first...it's the only way you will ever be able to value and love another person...be careful of becoming "addicted" to relationships...and if you're having a problem with depression...seek therapy..sometimes we just need to get outside of our own head. :)

I've had this problem with depression for a while now. And perhaps I should explain the whole thing. I was a bit emotional yesterday so I wasn't quite able to say it all. I met him looking for my first tattoo before I turned 18. He's the tattoo artist" the only one" here in town and At first sight I knew there was something about him. It struck me odd at first because I've always been the type to go for someone like 1 or 2 years younger than me, but I thought he was cool. Well, I got into an online relationship that became up close and personal, he raped me but I accepted the fact. I was too focused on just losing my virginity at the time that I didn't care how it happened. Well, he got me pregnant and disappeared. I waited at home for my first trimester trying to figure out what I was going to do. And it seems like right when I decided I wanted to keep the child is when I had the miscarriage.

That broke me in two, so I decided it was time for my first tattoo. T and I started talking, even though at the time he had a gf. I was sort of nervous at first because he was so much older. But one night of drinking and one kiss changed everything. It all happened within that one kiss. Don't get me wrong, I've kissed my fair share of guy and girls, but his was somewhat different, more tender.... more something, I can't describe it. Well, he'd joke around at the time about me being the other gf. But one night after getting sloppy drunk we were in the back of the tattoo parlor. One thing almost led to another, but he stopped it. He said something didn't feel right. It wasn't the right time and there was something different, something innocent about me that was tugging at his heart. That scared me, so the next week without even saying goodbye I moved to Little Rock (two states away). 2 1/2 years later, when I've grown up a little, about 5 months ago actually. I move back in town. The first place I go is by the tattoo parlor. He comes up to the door and grabs his chest. He literally had tears in his eyes as he hugged and kissed me in front of everyone.

That's when he told me that he had just married his old gf (the same one two years ago) and found out it was a big mistake. He had been seperated from her for about two months by then. So I gave him my cell number and he said he couldn't wait. A couple of weeks later I was staying nights at his house and we were making love within a month. I've always been very attracted to the idea of sex. But I had realized by that time that the reason I had never had an orgasm was because of how my first time was.

Well about a month ago T conquered that problem. He devoted one whole night and morning to just getting me to relax and give in to him and lose all my self control. And so it happened.

But anyways, about two months ago he told me he was in love with me, from the first time he saw me. And knowing that I was attracted to him the first time I saw him, it made my heart skip a beat. He even remembered what I was wearing the first day I met him. Well, to finish up the story. A week and a half ago I told him finally that I was hopelessly in love with him. And he didn't change, mind you, he just distanced himself a little bit. Then he told me we needed to cool down a little bit. THen he brought up the fact that my age bothered him and that I was too attached. I started crying and he felt bad of course, but all I felt like saying was "Well, you should have known it was going to happen when you gave me my first orgasm!!" But lil o'me, I always keep things to myself.

I guess it just hit me hard yesterday. And thanks for the advice. I'll try to find something for me.

I hope I am wrong but when a man distances himself from a woman after she tells him that she loves him, that raises a huge red flag.

I do not think this man is in love with you. The reason for the warm welcome, in my opinion could be because, since is is separated, he may not have had sex in some time.

I think that you should give yourself some time out, wait until you have flushed him out of your system, and only then consider loving again.

Rose, you've been through some tough things! :( Ya know though, I wouldn't totally give up on this guy. I get the impression that he really cares about you. He's probably scared though and worried about hurting you and/or making a mistake. Give him time, focus on being happy on your own - I think counselling is a good idea given what you've been through! Hang in there. :)

I know he cares about me. I can feel it whenever I am around. I think I just spooked him a little when I said that. The divorce isn't final and it was his first marriage. THings started looking up again last night. See, today is my birthday... I'm 21 today, heh... well, last night he kept on asking me what I wanted. And of course since I was really down yesterday, I told him I didn't want anything. He just stopped talking and moved from his bed to the couch where I was sitting and wrapped his arms around me. I know he cares, but I think it was a little too much too soon. And as far as him wanting sex, it was me who made the first move. And from what I understand he hadn't had any since the first month of his marriage with her. Not only those, but come on, he's a tattoo artist. He could have his choice of girls if he wanted them. I guess that's just one of my insecurities. THere's women that come into the tattoo parlor sometimes that look good and are more his age, but if he sees me getting a little down he'll come over and give me a kiss in front of everyone to reassure me. I couldn't ask for more than him. I'm just so scared to lose him....

Hey Rose,

Happy Birthday!!!

Oh, to be 21..... ;)

Things will work out as they should eventually. Try not to worry. I don't think he's going anywhere. But, you need to get yourself cheered up! :)