Confused...again.

Thanks you all for the caring and kind words....I really do appreciate it. It definitely has helped me get through all of this...being able to talk about it..get it out.

So here's a little update...

Friday, I was miserable. I ended up going out to a concert with some friends and drinking a little too much. (I NEVER drink haha)
I got home around 4:30am (ofcoarse Joe and the kids were sleeping) and I went to sleep on the couch upstairs.
I woke up about 8:30 from the phone ringing (the ex, ofcoarse) (I was still supposed to watch the kids all day, cuz Joe and Laura both had to work) and when I woke up...I felt lke death. I had the worst hangover ever! And I was still a little drunk.. :/
When Joe saw me, he could obviousley tell that I was ill, so he said he would just take the kids to work with him, and I would pick them up later.
So, after he left..I couldn't fall back asleep..I felt horrible. So I ended up calling him and crying...(his ex wife called me, and told me..Joe had told her what happened, I was sooo pissed that he told her first thing in the morning..you know?)..after we talked for awhile on the phone..he said please don't tell anyone else, and could we just talk later. He's tired of always talking over the phone.
So. later on I picked up the kids..had a quick lunch at the deli and went to my aunts house. (she was having a pumkin carving party for the kids). A whole bunch of people were at my aunts house and I still felt terrible..and didn't feel like being around people. The kids were fine and playing..so I told my aunt I had to be a lone for awhile..and I left.
When I called Joe to tell him that I went driving and that the kids were fine at my aunts...he asked me to please come to the deli so we could talk. I didnt reaally want to at all...but still, I went.
We ended up talking for like 2 hours....the fisrt words that came out of hs mouth were..I love you so much..I am VERY much in love with you..I need you, and I can't lose you. So, needless to say..I was so much more confused.
We talked a lot but..I had to go pick up the kids...so we said we would meet later at home..and talk some more.

Later on that night...we taked about everything. Marriage, kids, MONEY...see, that was his biggest issue..is that we made all of these plans..spent all this money on the house (for me moving in), got into all of this debt..and I hadn't been giving him money towards anything. (Id pay for things..here and there..but nowhere what we agreed on, prior to me moving in)
All I know is...that was the first time..in a looong time I had seen him so excited about us again. Excited about me, marriage, having a kid together. I told him, that even though I want to stay together, I think I should still get a place with Patrick. Slow things down a bit. Joe said, that if I have the money to get my own place...why not put it towards us, and continue to work on our life together. He thinks that if I move out, we will grow apart. He said that weve already come so far...why turn back now. He said that he's so sorry for pushing me away all summer long..he just felt like he was carrying all of the load. But if we have a plan and stick with it...and work together, we'll make it.
I can't tell you how good it felt to have my "old Joe" back. He was all about me again, staring at me again with the eyes, telling me how lucky he is..how beautiful I am..etc., Grabbing me in the kitchen to slow dance again. Iv missed this sooo much. This morning, I got woken up very nicely. ;-)
On the one hand..I beleive him..and I know that he does really love me, and want to be with me. On the other hand..I'm scared that this won't last with him. I tell him this..and he said..he loves me so much..and if he knows that we are both working towards the same things...we will be fine. We did and do right now have a beautiful relationship. I would hate to throw that all away.
Maybe were just going through a weird transitioning period of some sorts and we had to find each other again, and remember and realize why we fell in love in the first place.
I'm not sure whats going to happen in the future, but for right now..I'm enjoying having my Joe back. I missed him soooo much.
I'm still confused..but I guess I'll just enjoy us for right now. I do want to marry him..and I'm so happy thats he's excited about us again. I'm not sure what will happen in the future...but for right now, I'm going to enjoy us..and our engagement.

Sorry again, for the looong post. Iv just been going through a lot..and it helps to get it out..and know that other people are in similiat situations.
Thank you all for your help and support. I'm really glad I found this site, and all of you. ;-)

Holly, I posted in your other thread, but I'll repost here:

**smile**

I had a feeling that he just needed a slap upside the head. That's why I didn't post sooner to this thread - I wanted to see what he did, first. Although, I admit I was pretty doubtful, I was also hopeful for you!

Now you keep your part up, too, OK? Help with the financials and it should all fall back in place.

I don't see any reason to still move out - Joe knows you will if things go back to the way they were. The key was that you meant what you said - it wasn't an empty threat or game playing. Joe has a point that it would help to put your funds back into the partnership - especially since it sounds like you haven't paid up your fair share, you know?

But tell him that he needs to TALK TO YOU and not hold things in anymore if something is frustrating or stressing him. Marriage is all about being TOGETHER in life, not one person taking all of the burden. He didn't do you any favors by holding it all in and almost ended the relationship because of it.

I hope you both work it out! :)

I am very glad to hear that you are feeling better and that he hasn't dumped it all away. But, I would find it very hard to live with a man whose contingent on being with me had to do with money. You contribute in your own way and not everything has a numerical value. I think you should keep that in mind...

Thank you all for your input....you all ever very interesting and good points.

yes, I do help Joe (and his ex) out a lot with the kids...but I don't mind if I'm appreciated ya know?
The thing with the money thing is...he doesn't ask me to pay much..considering what he pays, and the amount of our bills..he really doesn't ask for much. Just some help. Which I can completely understand..and I don't expect him to support me 100%. If it were just hs bills, and he wanted me to help him out..I'd be a little weary. But he wants me to help with the debt we accumilated together, when we painted the whole house..decorated it. Sometimes it pisses me off, but money unfortunatley is a big deal for him.
He's going to be 40 in a few months, and he has worked so hard, his whole life for his beautiful house and family. I think he just got really scared because..like I said before, his ex never worked and she would always spend more money than they had. He live from paycheck to paycheck, and in debt for 10 years. And he told himself he would never live like that again. And when he saw me, spending more money than I had sometimes....he got scared. He just thought that I wasn't working towards us. He told me that there's all of these things we had talked baout..and all of these things that I want..(a new house, a large wedding, a baby, whom I want to stay home with) and he said that unfortunatley all of the things we want..takes lots of time, planning and saving money. He felt like I wanted all of these things..but I wasn't going to help him svae for any of it....

I understant his points, and all of yours. Like I said..I'm still a little afraid, that if something goes wrong, or unexpected...he's going to change again. But the one thing him and I have always been good wiht..is communication. And now that everything is out on the table...we are able to talk about it..and work through it..I hope. My friend Patrick said to give it a month..and if things go sour again, so soon..to that I should still get a place with him. But if things are going smoothely and we are continuing to work through our financial problems..than he'll give me a hug..cuz he'll be happy for me. So right now, thats what I'm going to do. so, we shall see....
I really hope this was just a "one year twitch" or an adjustment period...I really really do.
Thanks again for all of your feedback..it has definitley helped me work things out in my head...and with him.
Sometimes, I'll read your posts to him....he's glad that I have been able to get my feelings out to people who are in similiar situations.
Thank you all. I hope to continue with good news on here, and hopfully use my experiences to help other people on here as well. ;)

She said that they had agreed that she would contribute financially and she admits that she hadn't done that. And apparently the improvements to his house were FOR HER and added to the overall debt. And she is living there. And we don't know who pays the bills overall or makes more money. She works, so she's not home all day with his kids. Cooking dinner means she doesn't have to pitch in with bills like she agreed?

Personally, I don't understand keeping money separate when you live together. Jeremy just hands me his check and I deposit it with my checks. I make slightly more, but his checks are more regular. But I still watch his preschooler, because I can work from home, cook, plan meals. He helps and does some chores and projects around the house - more than the averge guy I think. We live in my house for now. We just do what has to be done and pitch in financially everything we have.

They're supposed to be partners in life, not roomies, right?

Okay girls.....you both have good points.

About the financial stuff....Joe obviousley makes more money than I do. He owns his own deli. although I don't make bad money..It's no where near what he makes.

He could do it all without me, I'm sure. He would struggle but it wouldn't be impossible for him. BUT we did agree that I would give him at atleast $150.00 dollars a week..to go toward the loan we took out to paint and decorate the house for me to move in. (His ex wife used to live there, and I wasn't comfortable with moving in really..so we tried to change the house a bit and make it our own)
I also give him that money for the groceries..and all the other bills. Just to help out. I wouldn't want to just move in with someone and live for free. If I was staying at home taking care of his kids or our kids everyday..well then yes. I wouldn't and shouldn't pay.
Yes, I do alot for his kids..but hat because I love him and them, and I would never expect reimbursment for helping take care of them. They are going to be my step-kids. even though it is a lot sometimes..I WANT to spend the time with them, doing all of those things....to help build a relationship between us. Besides, if anyone should "owe" me anything, it should be his ex. I sure do a lot more running around for her and the kids on her night..than when Joe has them.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him, yes he had been wishy washy with me. Yes, I was very frustrated and confused. But thats because we were going through things and we both were unsure about the relationship. I do beleive..him or anyone else has the right to be upset when your "partner" who you are going to marry..isn't holding up their part of the bargian...and they are making you carry all of the load. I wasn't giveing him any money. Other stuff always came up. I wasn't being a "partner". And I was spending more money than I had. And that scared the crap out of him.

I was with a guy for two year before Joe..who was a "musician" and he NEVER worked. ANd I was supporting both of us on a part-time income, because I was also going to school more. It drove me crazy. I ended up breaking up with him over it. I felt like he wasn't contributing or helping me at all. It made me feel like he didn't care about me.
Even though I think Joe had every right to be scared and confused..I also agree that he went about letting me know..the wrong way, and we have talked about this. He shouldn't have kept it all inside (he felt weird about having to ask me for money) He shouldn't have tried to "push me away". I really do think that he just got scrared..but when it actually hit him, that I was going to leave..that scared him even more. I know he loves me..and besides that whole weird rut thing we went through for the past few months, he has always been very good to me.
We both decided that I'm not good with finances. I can admit that.So we are just going to have the money taken out, and put into an account we are going to open with both of our names..and he will just pay the equity line with that checking account. Joe's all about a plan, and if we make a plan..then I don't think it's not fair for him to want to stick with it. Again, I'm not trying to make excuses..I'm just trying to see it from his point, which I can.

But now that we have a definite plan...he's not nervous about carrying all of the load now, and now he can focaus more on us. And he has. He said that we even though, He knows that he misses me, or loves me, or loves to be around me..he said that he wasn't letting me know all of those things as much as he should.

He swept me off of my feet when we started dating, and now he's become like that again...I think he just got scared and nervous..but we worked through everything, and he's excited about us again.
Now, if it doesn't stay this way..(and no relationship is going to be hunky dory all of the time..theres good times, as well as bad) but if he started getting confused again, and he goes back anf forth..and for no reasons..then yes. I could not deal with that for my whole life and then it's time to move one. But his actions have been pretty consistent with me..excpet for the past few months. (he propsed in August) So right now, I can only say..we had a few issues to work through, with me moving in. And we worked through them, and now things are as great as ever.

Thank you all for your opinions. Cher..you have many valid points, and I greatly appreciate your input. You as well Kris.
I don't know..I guess this is something that I will just have to go with my heart on...and hope for the best.....right?
(sorry for this being sooo long) :o

ANd I was supporting both of us on a part-time income, because I was also going to school more. Someone who can do this is NOT bad with finances!

And $150 a WEEK for his home remodeling loan is too much in my opinion. How long is the loan for? a year, 10 years???

I know I just jumped on the band wagon here, but it does sound like he is putting you down... I hope it works out but not at the expense of your self esteem, you know?

Thank you all for your input.

So far, things have still been really good. We just had a wonderful weekend doing absolutely nothing. It was soooo nice. :D We just watched movies the entire time. I seriousley don't think we've done that for over a year. It was mich needed and deserved.
Our relationship has been great...but for some reason, I can't help but still think about the apartment I was going to get with my friend. Even though I love Joe, and where we are right now with our relationship, why do I still have urges to "have my own place"? This is the man I'm going to marry..and I want to..I really do...so shouldn't I be trying to focus on building our home together?
Blah...why do I do this to myself? Why am I so confused? why can't I ever just make a decision and stick with it? why do I always have to wonder..."what if"...
And thats the thing...If I did end up moving in with Patrick..then I would miss Joe so bad. I know it!
Does anyone ele ever have this problem..always questioning things? even if you know it's the right thing..always wondering..."what if"..?

I will say to you what I tell my students.................never live you life with "what if's".
You sound like you love this man but you still have some exploring to do. Live your life to the fullest and do what you need to do. Only then will you be happy and at the point where you can be content.
Blessings, Tinydancer