should i be this upset

i really need some imput from you guys . I just got off the phone with my om after talking for like 3 hours. We ended up talking about relationships and how some people blame alcohol for cheating on their loved one. We both came to a conclusion that alcohol does impair judgment but does not impair it to the point you would sleep with someone else just for the hell of it if you are truely in love with someone else. Some how we got on the topic of one night stands . I asked him if he has ever taken any girls home from the bar for that ,and at first he lied and said no, but then he said he did with two women. After hearing this i was so hurt and tore up inside. and repulsed... to meet someone at the bar who you don't even know and take them home for sex. To me this is disgusting.I have been a good girl my entire life never got drunk never slep around and to hear this it makes me question what kind of person he is to do this. Could y all tell me your thoughts on this .. should i be mad ? should i voice my diaproval. I love this man very much and he loves me in return it just really upsets me to know about this.

Always think twice before asking questions you may not like the answers to.

You asked him and he was honest, so now you're going to be mad? You're sending the message that he should only tell you what you want to hear .

Thatgirl is totally right.

Why did you push him so hard -- were you looking for an excuse to get mad at him? I don't think that was really fair.

And two one-night stands... that's really not so bad. As long as it wasn't while you were together, of course...

Hi Lynn.

I am a little confused. Did he sleep with the two women since he has been in the relationship with you, or before?

Should you or shouldn't you be upset is not the question because obviously you are upset. It means that you are expecting your guy to meet your moral standards. You wouldn't want to be taken home from a bar but the women he took home were consenting, or maybe drunk, but that is their problem. People experiment and try new things all the time, it's not like he's telling you that he raped two women.

I've hardly ever met a guy who wouldn't jump at the opportunity of having a woman in his bed, that's a rather healthy approach of someone who is interested in sex. Would you have been less upset if he told you that he took home girls he had met on the college campus? I would worry if a man told me that he's behaved like a saint all his life. What's wrong with experimenting ? I would also worry if my guy went out to drink with his friends and spent the night somewhere where I couldn't find him, which doesn't seem to be the case here.

People change perspectives and do things at certain points in their life, that they would not do before or do again. Depending on where he was in his life when these events happened, that one night stand might have needed it just as much as he did at that moment in her life. I had a one night stand after my divorce, and honestly it put me back in the game when I was feeling really down on myself.

I think it's admirable that you have remained a good girl, but don't expect any man to hold a candle to that. They are sexual creatures and most have done this at least once. We've all made our share of mistakes and tried things, as we take this journey through life. It seems unfair to judge someone or be upset at them for something that occurred before you came along.

I also think you need to stay focused on the here and now. Is he good to you? Is he faithful? Does he make you happy? If the answer is YES, then accept his past with a grain of salt and be grateful you have a man that loves you. If you don't let this go, he will most likely not be so honest the next time you ask a question. Do you want to train this man to lie to you for the sake of not upsetting you over something that happened long ago?

Unless you walked a mile in someone's shoes, you can't possibly know what was going through their heads when it occurred. Let it go hun.

What the ladies said is perfect.

IMO, the obvious answer to your question is "No."

I'll just add - remember that your man had his formidable years in a different era. Back in the 60's, 70's and 80's, sex was a lot more casual. The idea of DYING from sex was unheard of until the 80's. And it took a while for it to spread to the heterosexual world.

You need to remember that you grew up in completely different times.

No i don't think u should be mad at this.

My ex OM is married & when we had our affair of 3 years i asked him if he ever cheated on his wife before with women from bars & he said yes all the time for years. I then asked him how many & he said u don't want to know.

So i said yes i do want to know & he said that he did it all the time on the road when he traveled & it was over 200 women.

So u think 2 is bad, try hearing over 200!!

Always think twice before asking questions you may not like the answers to.

You asked him and he was honest, so now you're going to be mad? You're sending the message that he should only tell you what you want to hear .


Ditto Ditto Ditto....

I cant imagine the state the world would be in if everyone who had one night stands in there lives were judged for it... :D

As for me, Im seeing someone I know has quite a colorful past, Im not asking questions that might not be the answers I want, but then in my youth, Ive done a few things too. What I do know is that NOW he doesnt act like that, and he has my complete trust unless he does something NOW in OUR relationship to change that.

As long as he was unattached when he did the deed (and careful, of course!), then you don't need to worry too much about this. Two is not an astronomical number, things happen when people drink that might not be the best choices, and it's in the past. Yes, the world would be lovely if all sexual encounters were in the context of loving, committed relationships; but if he's been faithful to you and treating you well, then that's what matters.

well everyone's advice gave me a new way of looking at it. It still hurts to know he slept with scanks he didn't even know, not wearing protection ,and then had the nerve to sleep with me. It just seems like he must classify me on the same level as them. I don't know ..i'll just have to let it go. I guess all men are like this.

First off Lynn....

You dont know for a fact the women were skanks? And if they were, what would that make your man for sleeping with them? Judging people and situations that you werent there for isnt a good precedent to set for yourself.


and then had the nerve to sleep with me


Wow, so what your saying is that he deliberately went out before he knew you so he could piss you off when he met you? :confused:

(unless of course this happened while he was with you which I dont think it did?)

well i apologize if i offended you. For one that is my opinion but maybe i should rephrase for you ,the whole ACT to me is scandalous and degrading.

He slept with them before he knew you, I think. But by calling these girls skanks, you're going a bit too fast. What if they were respectable nice girls but they were drunk that night ? Anyway, that doesn't matter at all.

Even if he slept with sl**ts, it doesn't mean that he considers you one.

I remember once in Cairo, I went with my boyfriend to the sleeziest cabaret in the back of a dark alley where ugly and vulgar women belly danced, while horny men tuck ed bank notes in their bra. At some point my boyfriend made the most inconsiderate remark and said "you know it's strange but I'm able to sleep with one of these women".
I didn't answer but that night sitting around the pool sipping a last drink I looked at a palm tree and said "you know, I find that palm tree much more attractive than you".

He wend head over heals to convince me that what he said at cabaret was just a "thing" just because he trusted me enough to say things openly. Well, it took me a while to stop comparing myself to those women, and for years he proved it a million times that in his eyes I was the most beautiful and desirable woman.

Both men and women have strange fantasies, it has nothing to do with the other, it has nothing to do with you.

Don't be too hard on men.

Thanks Bodhi Tree

well everyone's advice gave me a new way of looking at it. It still hurts to know he slept with scanks he didn't even know, not wearing protection ,and then had the nerve to sleep with me. It just seems like he must classify me on the same level as them. I don't know ..i'll just have to let it go. I guess all men are like this.

I understand your repulsion and feeling of unease, but to be fair, YOU chose to have sex with him so it really wasn't that nervy of him.

Maybe you should have asked those questions in advance of your relationship, not midstream. Or, maybe not at all, if you were unprepared for the response.

Not all men are like that, by the way.

His past is simply his past and nothing more.

His past is simply his past and nothing more.


Ditto Ditto Ditto ;)

Yep, agree...the past is the past. In regard to him sleeping with you after these women, that's something that you should check into before sleeping with someone. Was he tested for STDs before you slept with him? Were you? IMO, this is something that should be talked about first.

I've done things in my past that I wouldn't do now, and if my partner judged me by those things, I'd be really hurt and upset.

Thanks Everyone...i Guess My Initial Reaction Was Immature.... One Detail That Desturbed Me Though About What He Did Was The Fact Me Said He Was't Drunk, Had Maybe 1 Or 2 Beers.....but I Guess That Could Be Enough For Someone To Do That....i Don't Know What It's Like To Be Drunk So I Don't Have The Right To Judge... I Did Not Voice My Disaproval To Him Because I Knew That If I Did I Would Probably Regret It. Phossy I'm Sorry About Your Situation...thanks For Giving Me Your Opinion And I Appologize To Anyone I Offended. My Man And I Have A Wonderful Relationship I Would Hate To See It Sufer Over My Own Insecurities. I'm Just Gonna Let This One Go.

.. should i be mad ? should i voice my diaproval. I love this man very much and he loves me in return it just really upsets me to know about this.

Did he do this while he was with you? If so, then HECK YES!! If he did this b/f he met you, then I don't think you have any right to be mad. People make mistakes, I dare you to go looking for one guy who hasn't something in thier past. Just as long as he's past it and hasn't done it since, I think you should let it go.

And be careful of the questions you ask, you may not like the answer. Make sure you are prepared to hear the truth. If not, ignorance is bliss.

Christina

I'm glad you're letting it go.

Just a thought - maybe those women thought it was going to be more than a one night stand.

Maybe you should be thankful that they didn't become more than that or you may not have ever had a chance to be with this man who is obviously an attractive guy.

My one night stand turned into the love of my life. Guess there's a fine line between "skank" and "girlfriend." LOL! ;)

well everyone's advice gave me a new way of looking at it. It still hurts to know he slept with scanks he didn't even know, not wearing protection ,and then had the nerve to sleep with me. It just seems like he must classify me on the same level as them. I don't know ..i'll just have to let it go. I guess all men are like this.+

This was before you met.....so it's the past... If he cheated on you then I'd understand your anger... However Your judging these women and you don't even know who they are... they aren't skanks... They are women who met a man and decided to have casual sex.... they are all adults...Your OM was also involved....

However why would you say all men are like this... again your judging everyone and putting them into one catatory.... It's like saying all women drivers are bad LOL...My husband never went to a bar and slept with a woman.. but he's met women in the world and has had sex.... Even casual sex.. I have had casual sex... doesn't make me a bad person..... I think your getting angry over nothing... and if you can't accept the fact that your OM had a past then unfortunatly I'm afriad that your relationship won't have a chance.....

Guess there's a fine line between "skank" and "girlfriend." LOL! ;)

I just about spit out my coffee laughing :eek:

Some people might call me a "skank" for meeting a guy on the internet and having sex with him. It's all about perception.

Yep, I agree with all that's been said. As long as it wasn't while you two were together then let it go. I've had one night stands. They are never your proudest moment, but it happens. That certainly doesn't make me a skank nor anyone else who has chosen to have casual sex.

i guess i just have an old fashioned mind set about sex.. i had been brought up to beleive you should have sex with the person you intend to spend the rest of your life with..... but i guess s*** happens and not everyone thinks this.....I 'm starting to understand human nature better...I'm trying my best to keep an open mind about the whole thing....I guess some people believe in casual sex and some don't and i guess it isn't my place to pass jugement at those condone it. It was wrong of me to use the word skank because i relize that is not always true but at the time i wrote it because i really didn't have anything to go on. i appreciate everyone's help. yall are helping me grow up a bit lol

i guess i just have an old fashioned mind set about sex.. i had been brought up to beleive you should have sex with the person you intend to spend the rest of your life with.....

The key word there is "intend" but you don't always end up happily ever after. My boyfriend was 17 when we became online friends and 19 when we decided it would be nice to meet each other (and we fell in love--he is now 20 and I am 33)

He is inexperienced and probably wishes I didn't have a sexual history but I do, so he accepts it and tries to be understanding about not being my first and only. He respects that I am a mother and that the past is the past and our future is together.

When I had children with my ex I "intended" to spend the rest of my life with him but it didn't work out that way. Having a sexual history doesn't necessarily mean that somebody has chosen to have multiple partners as a part of their lifestyle, it may simply be that their fairy tale came to an end.

Of course, having one night stands doesn't fall under that category but hopefully you can see my point anyhow.

i guess i just have an old fashioned mind set about sex.. i had been brought up to beleive you should have sex with the person you intend to spend the rest of your life with..... but i guess s*** happens and not everyone thinks this.....I 'm starting to understand human nature better...I'm trying my best to keep an open mind about the whole thing....I guess some people believe in casual sex and some don't and i guess it isn't my place to pass jugement at those condone it. It was wrong of me to use the word skank because i relize that is not always true but at the time i wrote it because i really didn't have anything to go on. i appreciate everyone's help. yall are helping me grow up a bit lol

The first time I had sex I thought it was with the person I would spend the rest of my life with...So unfortunatly sometimes it just doesn't work out that way....

good point about relationships not always turning out to be fairy tales .....but when i said "i guess i just have an old fashioned mind set about sex.. i had been brought up to beleive you should have sex with the person you intend to spend the rest of your life with i was referring to one night stands and that how could someone possibly think they are going to be together forever with a person they just met and decided to fu#!

but then again i think anything is possible ...that one night stand might turn out to be your soul mate...

that one night stand might turn out to be your soul mate...

That is a good point, Lynn! So, you have really learned an important lesson by keeping an open mind and thinking about different points of view. Good for you! Your guy is lucky to have you. Aren't you happy, though, that neither of those women turned out to be his soulmate instead of you? :)

If your man is from my generation, I am 45, almost everyone I have known has done this once or twice. It isn't right or even particulary satisfying but we were the generation of "sex, drugs, and rock n roll".
I am not justifying this behavior, just stating that some of the best of us have been there, done that.
Let it go, unless he still behaves this way while in a relationship with you.
Blessings, Tinydancer

Thanks tiny dancer i never thougth of it that way.. He's 35 so i guess that would apply to him too, even if it doesn't i realize now that we all make mistakes.. this doesn't make him any less of a man. I guess if we don't expeirence some things we have nothing to draw from... I realized I have made mistakes in my life and without those mistakes i wouldn't be who i am today. Lifes about living and learning....I beleive i have found myself a wonderful caring man who loves me to death and i feel the same about him...He is very honest and faithfull toward me so i shouldn't let his past come between us. It is his past and i have come to terms with that. That was what he chose to do at the time but isn't what he choses to practice now.

Well see.............there ya go.
Many things that I have done, right or wrong, have made me who I am today. I wouldn't change a thing. Even the bad stuff, especially the bad stuff, helps us to know what we want or, more importantly, what we don't want out of life
Live and learn.
Wishing you all the best !
Blessings, Tinydancer