Relating to your peers

I have a question for the younger partners in age gap relationships.

Do you find that being with an older person leads to a quickening maturity? Do you feel that you are much older than those who are your age?

I am finding lately that I have trouble relating to my peers who feel so much younger than me. Their choices of conversation are different, perspectives seem so imcomplete in some areas etc. Quite naive in many instances, ill-informed about many matters. I am 21 and going to school with people between 21 and 25. I love many of the friends that I have but often have trouble relating to their intellectual and emotional outlook on life. Anyone else feel this way? Am I a freak? My friends seem to notice too and apparently just recently found out that I was 21 and not 25 as they had assumed. My guy friends started caling me "mom."

Feedback?

I'm in my 30's now, and divorced. But in my 20's, I was married to a man 15 years older. When I met him, I was a more or less typical 23yo, I had many girlfriends and we would go out dancing and talk about young men and dating and our college courses, etc. When I married my OM, I didn't want to go out dancing w/o him so that he wouldn't feel jealous or disrespected. He didn't really want to go to clubs as he would be older than most everyone else. So we did other things, out to dinner or to jazz clubs or things more age appropriate for him. We had a ton of fun, too! But I missed my girlfriends, the fun we had and my old life from time to time.

I felt I had less and less in common with them as my OM and I listened to NPR on the radio instead of watching TV, read the paper and news magazines daily, and conversed on many worldly topics that my old friends had no interest in. Being with OM changed my perspective and my interests a great deal. So yes, I think that can happen. Obviously, I wanted to move in the direction I went, so I couldn't complain. But yes, I had difficulty relating with my peers. However, I think it gets easier as you get older and (duh! :D ) so do your peers! My current BF is 19 years older, and I still have this problem a tiny tiny bit. But it's not nearly as pronounced as it used to be. So if you love your OM and the interests you share together, just hang in there, enjoy your life, and try to make an effort to catch up with your younger friends whenever you can.

There have been times when I've found it hard to merge my two worlds.

By that I mean....that sometimes it seems that I have a world with school and my friends and all that good stuff....and I have a world with my OM....and the two are totally different.

I think the trick is to have an understanding OM....who doesn't mind hanging out with goofy, hot looking girls my age....and also to be understanding and hang out with his friends.

This problem seemed more pronounced with my ex....who never wanted me to hang out with my friends...and wouldn't even meet them.

Now its much easier as I have my beautiful man. *grin*

jesique.

I've never been able to relate to my peers. That's why I am more attracted to older men. I think my mom is coming to terms with my "taste" in men. We went to a new mall last weekend and we saw some 20 something guys. They were VERY immature in the way they were talking about a group of girls. I looked at my mom and said "see, that's why I don't date guys my age. Would you want to date that?" She looked at me and said "no, I wouldn't. I don't know what you are supposed to do."

Christina

I feel like I act older than my age most of the time and so I don't have fun with a lot of my peers anyway. But I will hear people on campus talking about sorority and frat life, partying, or dating, and its just like UGHHH! Grow Up! LOL :rolleyes:
It seems thats all they have to talk about.

I have met a few people in my classes that are awesome to discuss things with though and they are my age. So I guess it just depends on the person!

I feel like I act older than my age most of the time and so I don't have fun with a lot of my peers anyway. But I will hear people on campus talking about sorority and frat life, partying, or dating, and its just like UGHHH! Grow Up! LOL :rolleyes:
It seems thats all they have to talk about.
I totally agree...whenever I hear people at my college talking about "getting wasted" and whatever, I am so glad that I am not living that life. Being with my OM has probably helped me mature faster than I normally would have. Since we broke up, I've gone out with guys that want to drink and smoke, and all this crap that I'm just not into, that I was when I was in high school. So, yeah, in that sense, I totally don't relate with my peers.

I definately think seeing an OM has made me "feel" more mature, but I don't think I necessarily am. There's a propensity to want to "rush" certain life experiences and certain ways of thinking so that I feel like I am "caught up" to him in some way. It's like morphing into someone that i'm really not at this stage of life.

I have experienced the same things that you mention. I used to look at every new person my own age and think "Oh man, we have NOTHING in common. They are so immature." But I think I was actually just "rejecting" them before they had a chance to "reject" me b/c I was seeing someone much older. I really thought my peers would reject me for being with an older man.

Wow--reading back on this entry--I am waaaaaaaay too analytical for my own good!! Gotta stop watching DR. PHIL!!!!!

Even before I met my OM, I am what one would call the "responsible party girl". On a saturday night would I dance til 4 in the morning? Sure. Would I ever do it on a tuesday? No. I study during the week. Will I drink til I can't see straight? sure. Would I ever drive drunk? No.

I've always loved to party, but have always had my priorities straight at the same time and I feel like I am the same way now. My friends and I talk about boys and movies and clubs and school just like before. My boyfriend comes up in convos just like anyone else's boyfriend he doesn't stand out as the OM.

I think something else that's happening is the cultural and mental age gaps of people are becoming smaller. I feel like I have so much in common with my OM who is 38 ( i am 21). Where as with people in their 60s I can't really connect. But I think people from like 20 to 40 really do have some what of the same mind set on certain topcis. My OM likes junk food, house music, parties, fashionable clothes etc. We're not that different.

I think it also helps that he has no kids. Since he is just supporting himself, he can keep a younger mind set. It is usually when people have kids that sometimes they want or are forced to have different priorities. I am not sure if I could handle dating someone with kids while I was still in college.

Thanks for your posts. I didn't mean to sound condescending at all. I am not a condescending person and certainly have no reason to believe this is the reason my friends started calling me mom. I meant what I said above in the most honest way possible and completely neutral. They simply haven't aquired the perspective of an older person in looking at life. I have by osmosis be that good or bad. So I was just wondering if anyone else had that experience. And I see that some have and some haven't.

I can completely relate. I have difficulty as well feeling like I can relate to my peers. Of course I do not lump them all into one category - we are all individuals after all.

I have found a few people my age whom I feel a really deep connection with so I do not exclude or judge based on age, but generally I do find myself feeling more comfortable around people a bit older than myself.

We went to a new mall last weekend and we saw some 20 something guys. They were VERY immature in the way they were talking about a group of girls. I looked at my mom and said "see, that's why I don't date guys my age.

My boyfriend is 20 and not at all like most of the 20 year old guys I see here. I think partly due to circumstance and partly culture, but a great deal due to his own personality.

I've also seen a 53 year old man making a total derriere of himself recently and thought, "what does she see in him?"

Its hard to be so close to someone, who has so many life experiences and learn so much from...and then go out and be around a bunch of people who in your mind...just don't...I don't know, "get it?" Does that make any sense? That's how I felt and still kind of feel now.
My friends my age think I'm absolutely nuts that I'm 24 and rather sit next to my man in matching Lazy Boy recliners, talking about the world and watching old Sherlock Holmes shows with Basil Rathbone, than going out to the trendy bar, drinking sangria all night and squealing, "OH MY GOD! It's SO good to see you!" to someone I barely remember from college because I probably didn't like them then. The idea that I want to have a baby, and I'm planning a wedding, and looking for a house with someone is strange to them. I started college when I was 16, so everyone has always been a couple years older than me, but its hard to go out and talk to people and connect with people my age when our life paths are so different.
I'm not condencending about it, neither is my man. I drag him along to alot of these things that I get invited to (for better or for worse right?). Don't get me wrong I still go out when I get the occasion to. I take him usually because he represents a good exit strategy, someone to talk to, and I'm proud of him. :) But I have to listen to him the whole subway ride home grumping about how he thinks "they're just kids. They know nothing about the world, they're naive, blah, blah, blah." I don't go that far, half the time at social gatherings of people my age, I barely know the people there...but I do think, in a less condecending way, some of his cynicism, if that's the right word, has rubbed off on me over the years. And I do recognize my values, in certain ways, have changed. Its part of growing up and getting older I guess. It just seems that when you are dating someone much older, it happens to you faster.

I don't think anyone is judging anybody. I was just trying to say that I understand what adriael is going through. I have friends my age that I can relate to, very few tough. I think its just a natural by-product of being in a relationship with someone 25-35 years older than you. You get used to relating very closely to someones life who has a very different perception than people of your age group. It's not really about being above or beyond going out drinking all night. My boyfriend can stay out drinking longer than anyone I know! :) I think its more the failures of the generation that adriael and I are a part of. In my opinion, our generation is plagued by the love of consumerism and feelings of entitlement.
I think that its not limited to our generation by any means, but there seems to be a high concentration there.