Love him forever...

Hi All,

I've written here before....months ago...I just need some support. I have been dating my 'still married' older man(20 yrs my senior) for more than 2 years now. He's been separated from his ex for over 5 yrs and has two kids with her(13 and 15) that I love and dote over when they are with us.

This last year, we have been living together(I basically moved country away from my family and friends to be with him). Its been a tumultuous year full of ups and downs. A lot of it has had to do with my insecurities - about the ex, about the fact that he frequently travels for business(sometimes he is away for most of the month).

Of late, its reached its worst. Its been little things like...We have been out to dinner with one of his overseas colleagues and his daughter. He places an order for a drink for his daughter whose glass is empty, orders one for his fren as well and only when the waiter has left to get the orders, I turn to him and jokingly say...."its ok XXXX, I didn't want one" (my glass was long empty).

I started a conversation just before we went to bed and this was his reply. He began with,' its not you, its me. I can't give you the love you deserve. I am not sure anymore(he has told me previously that he started having doubts a little over a mth back) and I don't want to lead you on anymore to just hurt you in the end. He also insinuated that he doesn't love me as much as I prob love him now.' what he means is that I've told him before that I'm willing to marry him the day he divorces his ex, willing to wait for as long as it takes for his ex to agree to a settlement, bascially do anything for him.....even gone so far as to say i was willing to sign a pre-nupt(his ex lives off him, no job, just takes care of his 2 kids -13 & 15)....
he knows I have long decided to spend the rest of my life with him.....:(

I need advice. Inside, I know that he still cares so much for me(he has said it, he calls every now & then when away, takes care of me) but I don't know whether this is something I should act on....like should I start holding back my love? Is he really wanting to let go or is he just being unsure of what he wants out of life in general?

I've been miserable cos I have other issues going on at the moment and this is weighing down on me emotionally.....

He places an order for a drink for his daughter whose glass is empty, orders one for his fren as well and only when the waiter has left to get the orders, I turn to him and jokingly say...."its ok XXXX, I didn't want one" (my glass was long empty)

very rude of him.


I started a conversation just before we went to bed and this was his reply. He began with,' its not you, its me. I can't give you the love you deserve. .....

I cant believe ppl still use this line.. and usually when they say that it means the opposite, in otherwords you are the problem.


i really cant give you any advice, i read your post earlier but wasnt sure how to respond to it.. he may still care for you, but i dont think you are going to get the commitment that you want from this guy. you should focus on you right now, you said you have other problems at the moment.

I'm willing to marry him the day he divorces his ex, willing to wait for as long as it takes for his ex to agree to a settlement, bascially do anything for him.....even gone so far as to say i was willing to sign a pre-nupt(his ex lives off him, no job, just takes care of his 2 kids -13 & 15)....
he knows I have long decided to spend the rest of my life with him

why is he still married to her?

Unfortunately, I would have to agree with the above posters.

Taravinc, please please please do yourself the favour and get out of this relationship. His heart is not in it anymore, he has told you so himself. I know when we really love someone, we want them so badly to feel the same, that even such obvious statements start to become unclear.

You deserve more than this hun.

hey hon.....I am in exactly the same situation...i am the OW with a 20 yr gap...he keeps telling me its not me..he needs time...this is after two years together...suddenly...out of the blue...then he offers me friends with benefits...because he doesn't know where his life is going to take him...but he likes the sex...ouch.....

luckily for me we don't live together and we don't have joint domestic arrangements....

but i feel your hurt...it aches especially when you don't know whether to wait or just make the moves to get out of there fast.....and get on with your life....

i have decided not to wait...but to do what I have to...it doesn't stop the hurt...and it doesn't stop me missing him...but there is a little bit of peace of mind in knowing that I still have my integrity and my self respect...and a life lol....

only you know what you're prepared to put up with and for how long...but my feeling, as in my own case, is the writing is on the wall...and there comes a point where there is no going back...I can't wait for him to decide there is nothing there for him anymore...thats just too passive...

an example....I just bumped into him up the street today and he was so detached ...like he'd just bumped into a friend...we have been lovers for two years for god's sake...and I get the time of day....for oh about five minutes....then he went off to have drinks with his friends......

I cried all the way home in the car....and called him to say how hard that was...his response...I asked you for time out...what did you expect...yeah the writing is on the wall for sure...I won't be in a hurry to call back I'm telling you


good luck to you in making up your mind...for me it looks like a done deal...

don't be a doormat...its better to have dignity.....

Sounds like he is taking advantage of you! You really deserve better than that. Don't waste your time hun....there is no need to put up with that type of treatment. Get out there and start living your own life and find your own happiness!

It is sad but you must face reality, he is not in love with you and you must do something right away...

My recommendations:

1. Deal with your pain, be sad, be frustrated, acknowledge it and keep going with your life without him.

2. Set goals for your present and you near future. Stop being a doormat, find ways to be $elf-sufficient, find a way to get back home and have a new beginnings Don't be embarrassed of going back to your roots.

3. Most important MOVE OUT a.s.a.p.

Believe me it will hurt, but guess what, you will survive.

Wish you the best.

From previous experience with a man with an ex....he may just be afraid of the actual divorce itself. Alimony and child support payments are OUTRAGEOUS, not to mention the fact that his wife doesn't have a job. And the way the courts will look at it is, she doesn't need a job. So your OM will pay tons of money...and she will get away with it.

Could this be a possibility??

Hi All,

...Its been a tumultuous year full of ups and downs. A lot of it has had to do with my insecurities - about the ex, about the fact that he frequently travels for business(sometimes he is away for most of the month).
...I've been miserable cos I have other issues going on at the moment and this is weighing down on me emotionally.....

It takes two to make a relationship work and it takes two to destroy it.

I realize that I've quoted selectively... but I see some possible contributions here... "can't love you enough" could mean that you require too much. There's some self confession here about insecurity and "other issues."

I know I'm in the smallest minority here, but I'd ask HIM the right questions before deciding what he's thinking and feeling. I wouldn't throw out a two year relationship so quickly.

One of those questions is "what am I doing that makes this so hard?" (Don't accept the answer "nothing.")

It sounds like in the midst of telling him what you want (to get married) and what you don't like (him traveling) it might be time to ask him what he wants and what he doesn't like about you and about your relationship. You might have to dig it out of him.

Oh? And why not?

The OP says that the past year has been "tumultuous" and "full of ups and downs". That's HALF of the life of the relationship. Not to mention her bf is still married with no divorce in sight. Does that sound like happy ever after to you?

She should've thrown out this relationship LONG ago.

What it sounds like to me doesn't matter a bit, really. My point was only that she might be contributing to the relationship problems and before simply ending the relationship it might be worth a little more investment and time. I'm not here to judge people's relationships, just to offer perspectives and raise questions. I'm not assuming responsibility for her decision... I don't know if she should throw out the relationship or not, but I do know there are some questions that are probably worth asking herself before she decides.

I would dump him, before you are dumped!!

That excuse it's not you it's me, oldest line in the book for a coward afraid to dump someone.

Guy-to-Gal Translation:
It's not me--it's you. I want to break up but I'm too chicken to do it. So I'm going to keep treating you like dog doo-doo until you finally get fed up and dump me. OK? Good.

EXACTLY. Cherubino, you absolutely put that in a nice spotlight... ;)

Taravinc ~ you definitely deserve better than to be in this situation and you will be much better served to head on back home or find yourself another place. This guy has already told you "that he started having doubts," "that he doesn't love me as much as I prob love him now," and "I don't want to lead you on anymore to just hurt you in the end."

Do not try to read between the lines of what he said. Listen to the WORDS. His actions (not getting YOU a drink and only calling you from time to time and NOT finalizing the divorce) ALL speak volumes.

Get out while you are capable of maintaining your own dignity and self-respect.

~phos

Oh? And why not?

The OP says that the past year has been "tumultuous" and "full of ups and downs". That's HALF of the life of the relationship. Not to mention her bf is still married with no divorce in sight. Does that sound like happy ever after to you?

She should've thrown out this relationship LONG ago.

Hi....my Om & I have been together formore than 2 years now but only started living together a year ago...

From previous experience with a man with an ex....he may just be afraid of the actual divorce itself. Alimony and child support payments are OUTRAGEOUS, not to mention the fact that his wife doesn't have a job. And the way the courts will look at it is, she doesn't need a job. So your OM will pay tons of money...and she will get away with it.

Could this be a possibility??

Yes, I do think it is a lot to do with the actual divorce process and how it will impact on his kids. They are everything to him.
Yes, she has told him before that if he ever took her to court, she'd drag it out and make it hell for him.

I know I'm in the smallest minority here, but I'd ask HIM the right questions before deciding what he's thinking and feeling. I wouldn't throw out a two year relationship so quickly.

One of those questions is "what am I doing that makes this so hard?" (Don't accept the answer "nothing.")

It sounds like in the midst of telling him what you want (to get married) and what you don't like (him traveling) it might be time to ask him what he wants and what he doesn't like about you and about your relationship. You might have to dig it out of him.[/QUOTE]

I guess this made a lot of sense to me. I have asked him before and he says its the things that I have done in the past. I've done petty things like replied to his ex that we were on holiday(he hadn't wanted to know as he said he didn't want the kids to know that we were on holiday-he hasn't brought the kids on holiday in a long time). I've also told a cabby off cos the man blatantly ignored me(u know hw they give u this smirk when u are much younger than ur fella) and was extra nice to my fella. Stuff like that.

However, if I tell you all this, you might understand more. Before I moved over to be with him, I told him (and he knew) that I was an insecure person. He promised me that he would settle the divorce within a yrs time. To-date, he has done nothing except speak to his ex last yr and she told him that she would give him hell if he pursued a divorce.

However, I get frustrated when someone comes here with what seems to be a textbook case of a relationship gone so awry, to the point where I wonder if the OP didn't SUBCONSCIOUSLY come to an anonymous forum to seek COURAGE to leave what she deep down knows to be an unsatisfactory relationship. Maybe I'm biased, but when a person starts asking RANDOM STRANGERS advice about whether to end a relationship, that says a lot about her underlying confidence about her choice of partner.

But when people come on and start talking about their cheating bfs, or their bfs being abusive, or their bfs are still married, or their bfs just told them that he doesn't love her anymore, etc. etc. etc, I feel it's counter-productive to encourage them to STAY in what is clearly not a happy or healthy situation. She starts to think "well, maybe it's not THAT bad after all because so-and-so said I should give it another chance, and I really do want to give it another chance" (because let's face it, breaking up with someone is HARD and I personally don't like doing it until I'm backed into a corner), so she stays....and remains unhappy....and meanwhile her self-esteem takes another hit.

ARRRGGHH!!!

*Bows and gets off soapbox*[/QUOTE]

Yeah, it is hard and of course, the part of me with the common sense knows i should leave.

I came to this site to find out about different insights into this kind of situation and how people deal with it. If there are people in similar situations, it always pays to see if I have analysed fully my relationship and given it sufficient fight before I pull it together and make any major changes in my life.

My self-esteem will always remain intact because end of the day, my focus is on me...and my life. But I believe in love and if there is any chance of salvaging this relationship, I would like to see how I could or potentially have neglected to look at.

like you are on the right track. (Altho it took me a while to figure out what you quoted versus what you said! :D )

I can be a contradiction or at least seem that way because I firmly believe that in a forum like this we're supposed to "make" each other think. It seems to me that you are doing that, quite admirably so.

We seem to live with a "throw out" mentality and one of the more common pieces of advice on this board is "dump him." Unfortunately that mentality flies totally in the face of relationship skills. Yes, there are times when ending a relationship makes sense, but it's not a judgement I, for one, would immediately make based on a few paragraphs from one person in the relationship.

We could, I suppose, spend our lives looking for the perfect partner. Or we could fall in love and build a "perfect" relationship.

What I am hearing from you is that his failure to take action on the divorce is more about him than it is about you and your relationship. I think to some extent you realize that and that's why you haven't left. (I really object to the theory that if someone REALLY loved someone else they would do certain things and act certain ways. That's pure unmitigated selfishness.)

It also sounds to me like you are taking inventory, in a sense... looking at the total relationship, recognizing that you both contribute to where you are.

A short suggestion (I need to run, unfortunately). How about taking inventory (together) of where you want to be?

Everyone here has great points and I really don't have too much to add except for one thing. Most relationships I've been in were unbalanced - in that there was an underlying feeling that one of us was "more" in love than the other. And these never worked out, in part I think, because the one that was "more in love" always felt this and it hurts - there's something missing. And the one that is not as in love feels guilty and worries that they can't give the other what they need. I was reminded of this when I read your post about how he can't give you the love you need. It sounds from how you mention that you are willing to do whatever to be with him, that this is an unequal footing.

Just something for you to think about. I'm not saying this is what is going on in your relationship, just that it made me think of this. I think that this is an important thing that we tend to overlook in early stages of a relationship because we either don't want to admit it or because we push it away and think it doesn't matter. But it can remain as an underlying current.

Originally Posted by CabinFever: "Everyone here has great points and I really don't have too much to add except for one thing. Most relationships I've been in were unbalanced - in that there was an underlying feeling that one of us was "more" in love than the other."


So true. I've heard this phenomenon referred to as "the container" and "the contained"--or the "love avoidant" and the "love addict"

Thank you. That is extremely case in point.

These last few days have really put things in perspective for me. I can safely say that this week is different from the last because my guard is back up again. Last week, I felt a sense of vulnerability that just made me hollow inside when i thought of my OM.

This week, I feel stronger and more sure of my need to focus on other things besides him for once in a long while. I've decided to take the first step and move out next month. I've also done a very enlightening thing. I wrote this long letter to my dad and brother(my only sibling/elder who has always been that pain in my neck :) ) explaining to them what is going on in my life - my family lives in another country altogether. My bro surprised me by doing the unexpected by sending me a reply almost immediately offering help...it was incredible and I've never loved him so much in my life as I did when I received his reply. That was a moment that I will never forget.

Well, end of the day I guess we have to look out for ourselves and never forget that. I guess I have lost myself in recent months by 'absorbing myself' in him (my OM) and thinking that this relationship was forever. And the moment, that unbalance began, I tried even harder to salvage it. However, I have come to realise that in order to keep yourself sane, you must set limits on compromising yourself. Once that limit is passed, you must be strong enough to realise that you have to let go.

Well its still early days but I hope to be alright in time....i know I will but hoping it is sooner rather than later :) I hope that others in my boat will see that we can come out of this a stronger person, more sure of who we are than before. I just put it down to chalking up more life experiences....

Yes, its a good day today. I hope it stays this way thru the healing period :)

Wow. I'm so happy to hear that you've been reaching out to your family for help--and with great results, I see! I've been where you are now and it truly sucks, but just hang in there and know that the only way things can go from here is UP!

Thanks Cherubino for everything...
Yes, we must stay strong because I believe that the bad moments never last....