new to here, need some advice please!!!

Hi everyone

I need some advice, I've recently started seeing a guy of 41, i'm only 18. We get on so well and things were goin good. The only problem was that my mum isn't happy at all about the age gap. We've had so many rows about the same things and it isn't good. My mum to get on quite well with him, but now she won't even talk to him, i think if she did it'd end up as a huge argument, which i don't want!!!

I just can't understand why an age should be such a big deal and how happiness is pushed aside because this isnt a 'normal' relationship!!!

So i decided to try and leave things for a while and not talk to my mum about it, to avoid any tension with the hope that she might come round to the idea when she sees that i'm happy with him.

I just don't know what to do, my mum says it is ruining mine and her friendship, and i dont want that to happen, but at the same time i'm happy with my boyfriend and don't want all this stress affecting our relationship!!

sorry for such a lengthy post, any words of advice would be much appreciated!!!

Thanks xxx

welcome to ageless!! However I would let your Mom know that you don't want it to ruin your friendship either... however that she is making the decision to make this ruin your relationship... Tell her you love her and you care about him and if you are making a mistake that your old enough to deal with the consequences.... Tell her you understand and apprieicate her concern however you need to make some decisions on your own... However, if you live with your mom be prepared also.... I'm not saying you should give up your SO you shouldn't but unfortunatly when you are dependant on someone they have certains says in life if you know what i mean.. :)

Hi Legally Blonde!

I am 18 also, and I was dating a 40 year old man...which my mom HATED as well. We actually didn't talk for 5 months because of it. I have to tell you, it was absolutely dreadful, not talking to her, because she was like my best friend. But she just would not, could not, accept my relationship. My OM and I recently broke up, however, and she is pretending like it never happened.

But, just don't make any rash decisions that will push her away...just talk to her, give it time, and make sure you show her that you are an adult that is capable of having this kind of relationship. (I know it may seem to some that we, being 18, are too young to handle this kind of relationship, but....we both know that is not true. There are also many other 18 year olds on this site.)

Good luck! Keep us posted on what happens!
Lil

Well, my first advice is to stop arguing with your Mom. She IS entitled to her feelings and to not liking the relationship and even to think that its inappropriate. That's the thing we always forget... that the people we love ARE entitled to their feelings! Let her have them. BUT, don't argue with her. Keep calm (shows maturity) and be honest and try to find witty comebacks with a little humor. You cannot let yourself get angry with your mother for CARING for you and WORRYING that you might be being taken advantage of.

Is it fair? No, but its part of life. IF this relationship with your OM is going to work and your Mom is going to be a part of your life, she has to feel confident that she is being heard and her opinions respected. Let her freak out, then respond point by point to her concerns. Repeat as necessary without raising your voice or yelling at her. It may be terribly annoying to you, but it will show depth of character and maturity on your part.

The last thing you want to do is alienate your Mom. I know it hurts when they don't support us, but TIME is the only thing here that will prove her worst fears wrong. Time and patience on your part and your OMs.

But don't be mad at her for being upset about your relationship choice... she's a mother, worried about her baby girl (hey, you will ALWAYS be her baby girl... TRUST me!!) and doesn't want to see you get hurt and doesn't KNOW what else to do.

Be calm. Be consistent. Be honest. Do NOT yell at her. Let her air all her concerns, worries and grievances and be patient. In time, if your OM is good to you and FOR you, she will see it ~ and she will come around.

Above advice... repeat as necessary. ;) Welcome to ageless.
~phos

Great post, Fos, as always. ;) I totally agree. That was my biggest mistake. I yelled at my mom for not supporting us, I was totally immature, and I now realize that was the stupidest thing I could have done. We talked about it just recently, and she said, "It wasn't what I did, but how I talked to her about it."

Like Fos said, don't argue with her...she'll come around if you're mature. First hand experience right here, that that is a true statement. :cool:

Ahhhh the mother situation, I to was 18 when I met my older man who was 41 (Im currently 21 he's 43) and my mother had a VERY hard time comming around, the 1st year was pure craziness.... But Family usually DOES come around, as you get older, they start respecting the desicions you make including your relationships... Just hang in there, and realize in time everything works itself out...

Welcome to Ageless!

Brilliant post Fos...

I'll just add, re-read everything Fos said!

And Softiee19...Glad your mom came around! :)

Hiya everyone, Thankyou so much for all your replies and great advice!! Wish i'd have found this site sooner.

I'm trying to get things kind of back to normal, and i know that she is just worried and cares about me. My mum is my best friend and i hate falling out with her. I'm going to take on board all of your advice and see how things go!! She's away at the moment so we've had a bit of a break from each other and chance for us both to calm down. Its so hard not being able to talk about it to anyone about it.

I'll keep you updated on how it goes!!

Thankyou :)

Hi,
I read your post, Im another one whos " bin there and done that ".
Lessons I learned were;
Look at your relationship with your Mom. Is it really just your age gap that shes not happy with.
Can your Mom see things in your guy that you cant?
My folks used to tell me things `bout my OM and things he would do but I didn`t believe them. I guess that`s all down to experience or non-experience.
What I also learned was to ask myself what I would do if it was MY daughter in a relationship. I now see their point. My biggest mistake was to commit myself fully to my OM before I REALLY knew him or about life in general, but by then it was too late.
My folks weren`t against age gaps in principal they just knew that I was too young, in myself, for my relationship to work. My OM was my first love. At least I thought so. In reality I wanted to be grown up more than I was and, as they say, flattery gets you anywhere (it got me in masses of trouble), he flattered, I went for it.

My advice to you, take a step back. Balance out the pros and cons. Ask what your Mom wants for you. I know one thing. She dont want you unhappy. If you think your fighting with her just remember who shes fighting for....... its you.
Also ask yourself are you really ready for such commitment. are you experienced enough to handle it.

My relationship ended up being 1 year of romance and 5 years of regret.
Im speaking to my Dad now but my Mom is still distant. Im trying to rebuild the bridges between them ( it broke them up to because my Mom thought my Dad wasnt doing enough to discourage me).

When we`re young we sometimes forget that we are young.


Take care.

Eighteen is too young, in my opinion, to settle down with anyone, age gap or not.

Perhaps your Mom just wants to see you have fun and get to know yourself (trust me, you're not fully formed YET!). On the other hand, you might be extraordinarily mature for your age, but I would still be cautious and try to listen to your mother to get beneath what she is saying.

Good luck!