What am I missing?

Before I even ask, let me just say I know I’m going to get pounded but I’m ready to hear whatever I need to hear. Some things are clearer if one backs up to where we can see the big picture. Well, at this point I’m standing right in the middle of a huge billboard, both feet planted too deep to back up. Would someone please drive by and from a better vantage point, tell me what this looks like to you?
My YM and I were friends at work first. There was a group of 4 of us who talked and confided in each other at break times and lunch. Before there was an attachment, I knew my YM had been saving his money and making plans to leave his wife because of her affair and because after it ended she told him he had to pay her for sex! I knew the details of that loveless and sexless marriage, so I didn’t feel guilty when the sparks started flying between us. Since last March we have probably seen each other not much more than a dozen times. Three of those times were weekends together. He says he is deeply in love with me, wants to be with me and told me he planned on leaving in October. The last week in Sept. I panicked because of the age thing, (I am 53, he is 36) and told him I was thinking about going back to my ex. (I wasn’t, but it seemed the right thing to say at the time) Anyway… my YM was totally devastated. He told me he would wait while I got my head straight. It took me about a week to figure out my YM was worth taking a chance on and I told him so.
In the meantime, he had decided to NOT leave his wife so fast and, since I was not available that he would stay a while, make the best of it and see other people for affection and sex. (as he has been doing for years)
We got back together and he decided to wait until after the holidays to tell his wife he was leaving. He has 2 teenage girls at home and doesn’t want to upset them.
My problem is this: His wife is very well aware of his intentions even though he hasn’t “made it official” but now he says he is afraid she’ll find out about us and rake him over the coals in child support and even possibly alimony. (she works full time) She made the statement to him that if he wanted out it would cost him $800. a month. He is afraid now to visit me since I live close by and in full view of a main highway. He seems perfectly okay with seeing me only once every two to four weeks and keeps saying “it won’t be long now”. He calls me every day, is very reassuring and we see each other at work, but I am upset that he doesn’t suggest meeting somewhere else or making other arrangements to be together more often. I do love this man, I know I had nothing to do with the demise of his marriage and I am confident he will leave right after Christmas. He says he will live with his parents initially and will need a few months to be by himself and make arrangements for a place to live etc. so I feel like he will still want to “hide” our relationship. I’m not sure I can just hang around and be at his beck and call until March or April. I don’t really understand why he seems so scared of her wrath. When I asked, he made the statement that I didn’t realize who and what he was married to! Am I just being impatient and unreasonable or am I missing something here? Where did I go wrong? (I know it's wrong because he IS still married and I justified it in my mind) He is extremely “non-confrontational” and does not deal well with facing things head on. He is very money oriented and hates the thoughts of walking away from everything he has. The land they live on belongs to her parents. I know this man is in love with me but I keep getting the feeling that he is satisfied with the way things are and I’m not! What should I do. Okay… I have my paintball suit on… pound away.

I dated a man who did nothing but avoid giving answers, gave illogical answers, denied the obvious and basically jerked me around all the time :mad: . But you know what, I put up with it. I would hear from him once in a blue moon and get nervous and shakie and weak in the knees. I knew he was no good for me and told myself I would lay the law down but never did. Over the past year and a half I have been developing other relationships. Got a bit serious with someone, dated a few others, did soul searching, ect. It all helped. Last time I heard from him I made a few conditions about getting together and he vanished. I knew changing the terms would send him packing and it amused me greatly because I now could care less if I ever hear from him again.
So the point in all this mess is, you are in thrall with this guy. He has a hold of your heart and it will take time for your head to regain control. You should do your best to distance yourself from him and get on with your life as there can be no life with him. You both know the score and you are both fooling yourselves by thinking you aren't hurting anyone with your choices or that you might get away with little damage. But no one is going to win. It would be best for you to move on and find a better use of your time, energy and emotions.
Welcome to ageless :) , this site will give you many cyber hugs to help you through this.
ja

His wife is very well aware of his intentions even though he hasn’t “made it official” but now he says he is afraid she’ll find out about us and rake him over the coals in child support and even possibly alimony. (she works full time) She made the statement to him that if he wanted out it would cost him $800. a month. He is afraid now to visit me since I live close by and in full view of a main highway. He seems perfectly okay with seeing me only once every two to four weeks and keeps saying “it won’t be long now”. She'll probably try to get every dime she can out of him regardless of whether she finds out about you. And remember, courts are always partisan to the wife, regardless of whether she's responsible for the marriage falling apart.

But no one is going to win. It would be best for you to move on and find a better use of your time, energy and emotions.
Welcome to ageless :) , this site will give you many cyber hugs to help you through this.
ja

Thanks so much for sharing and for the cyberhug! Seems nice to talk about this with folks who care. I believe discussion and advice will allow me to get my head straight. I certainly do not look forward to continuing this charade for another 4 or 5 months! Anyone else wanna take a shot?

Yeah, have you ever considered the fact that he may not be telling you the truth. I'm always amaze at the excuses women put with when it comes to a married man. Especially since he knows you have no way of verify anything of what he says.

You seem as intelligent as the next woman who's having an affair, so you can't try to convince yourself that 'a rose by any other name will smell as sweet'....NOT ALWAYS!!!

Just the fact that this man has kids should've send YOU running regardless of what you feel or what he says and the fact that he would consider just having other relationships just base on his idea of love and sex...well, I hope you've had him tested for std and/or wore a condom because obviously, you're not the first.

Look, if you want to leave your wife/husband, you will prepare and will leave your wife no matter what. If she's had an affair first...THAT should've been his clue and he should've have left then and file for divorce if he couldn't forgive her, now he's using the money as an excuse. The wife doesn't really know what the courts are going to award her as far as money goes, she's had an affair right, that won't look favourably on her. He's making excuses. I would wager that if you gave him an ultimatium he'll send you packing, but then be very sure of it, as you would have to then stand your ground....kind of like the wife is doing! She's no dummy.

The rest is up to you. You have deep soul decisions to make. Remind yourself your just as exceptional and important as the next person so you don't have to be a cheater in a second rate relationship with a second rate guy who has no problems cheating on the emotional integrity of his kids. You're and those kids are worth so much more.

Paris

Thanks, this got me thinking! I do know some about the wife though, by hearing other neighbors and friends (of his) talk about her, but still, you're right about me being gullible. I see that. I've only heard HIS side of the story! The questions I ask myself now are: why did he not leave when she had an affair; why did she HAVE an affair; why did he choose instead to stay there and begin his 10 years (yep, I said 10) of infidelity; why did he pay her for sex; the kids are 15 and 16, if the marriage is so bad shouldn't they already know it; why did he change his mind and decide not to leave when I dumped him (temporarily); and if he loves me so much, why does he seem satisfied seeing me only every 3 to 4 weeks? I'm beginning to see things about him that lead me to believe that he is very selfish. He works full time and part-time, spends a lot of time with his friends riding atvs, hunting, fishing and golfing. He has made the statement to me that he hopes I will not be like his friend's wife who calls her husband several times a day. He makes comments often about his need for independence in a relationship. He has also told me many times that she got pregnant on purpose (16 years ago) and admitted it to his mom, and that he had always resented it and had never been in love with her at all. Oh for heavens sake... this is beginning to sound ridiculous even to me! Funny how things become obvious once they become verbal! GOOD! That's what I need!
We have not seen each other in 2 weeks so I asked him if he wanted to come over tonight. He started hummimg and hawing about being careful, and I told him I felt like he didn't have time for me. Then said "okay hon, I know this is hard for you, tell me what you need". He said he would call me today and let me know if he could work it out to come over for about an hour. I feel stupid and taken advantage of and frankly, like telling him to go jump off a cliff. I'm being dragged along like a puppy on a rope. Thanks for helping me see that! :)

If he really wanted to leave his wife, he's do so. Period. The kids aren't little anymore.

And the thing about $800 a month...it seems to me that he's probably spending a lot more than that on the wife and kids right now, so...what's the problem? On top of everything else, I would be repulsed by a man who would not want to fulfill his financial obligations to his children. And, frankly, if she deserves the alimony because of the way that their marriage has been arranged, then I would be appalled by him trying to squirm his way out of that, as well. Financial commitment is one piece of the commitment pie.

Okay, one small paintball: You said "I knew the details of that loveless and sexless marriage, so I didn’t feel guilty when the sparks started flying between us." In my opinion, as outsiders, we have no right to get involved with a person because we think that that person's marriage is unfulfilling for them. Unless you're standing right there in the room with them 24/7, you don't know what's really going on between those two people.

The thing that I want to point out for you in regards to getting involved with someone who is married is that the third person - you - in that triangle is often the one to 'lose out'. You're now the one sitting there in pain, while he's home with the wife and kids and whomever else he's out getting "affection and sex" from. He's having his cake and eating it, too, my dear.

The man has no integrity. None. Is that what you really want in a man?

If he's been getting affection and sex outside his marriage for years, there's a reason behind it...and no wonder his wife had an affair! Seems obvious he left the marriage (emotionally and sexually) long before she may have...assuming she recently had an affair.

This guy is stringing you along...because he can. I appreciate that you love him. You made a choice based on what you knew, rather naively. I like what ToGirl said. Get a life of your own that doesn't include this fellow. He's got WAY too much baggage for you to have to deal with at this point. If, a year from now, he's free and clear, then reconsider the relationship. I won't say "there are lots of other guys out there" because we all know there are, but they might not be your type, be attractive to you, etc. But there IS a lot of life out there. Go for it.

Ouch (only a little) but thanks too! :) You're so right, and thanks to you and these others I am very much beginning to see more clearly. Even if I were to have discussed this with some family members, and they would have pointed out the exact same things you guys have pointed out... I would have chalked it up to their being overly concerned about my wellbeing just because they are family. I really needed to have someone impartial to help me with this and you all have done so, and I thank you all who have taken the time to speak honestly. Last night when my YM called I cut all ties and backed out tactfully and permanently. As a result, I had guessed the upcoming holidays were going to be melancholy but coincidentally, an old friend called today. He will be flying in from NM on Friday and asked me if I would pick him up from the airport. How about that! I think I will!:)

I had guessed the upcoming holidays were going to be melancholy but coincidentally, an old friend called today.

Ahhh, the world has a wonderful way of letting you know that you are never "really" alone....enjoy it and take extra special care of yourself!