new here and need advice pls...

i am struggling with a ow/ym relationship that none of my friends seem to understand.

since my divorce, i have always dated ym-i am fit, look yrs younger, love music, dancing, running., have a great job, house, car, make good money and am a partner in a law firm.

i have been affectionely called a "player" bc i usu am in it for the fun and forlic and it is casual. the men i date know this and are fine with it.

the problem: i met a man 20 yrs younger (i am 48, he is 28). it started out as the usual. he started making like it was a relationship, by calling email, making dates for every weekend, saying cute things, like, i can smell your perfume on my couch and it makes me happy. we spent lots of daytime hrs together, and after about 6 wks of this, i knew i was in way deeper than i had allowed myself in the past.

he wants to get married, have kids, (i have a son close to his age!) so i knew it was a limited term relationship. then he tells me he had started to date a girl that was 25 that was his friends sister, set up).

i thought about it and decided to end the r/s bc it was actually making me too sad bc i was too inolved. i told him and he told me he wouldnt date her anymore, but i said no, he was young and needed to try to find someone w. potential. so now feel very very sad about him. was this the right thing to do? i still would love to see him but am afraid....

any ideas of what to do? i would so appreciate hearing from ppl that have been here. my friends think it is ridiculous, that he is just too young for me to really care this way about.

thanks so much out there!

:confused: We all make grammar and spelling mistakes but I have to wonder if this one is the work of a barely literate individual, not a highly educated lawyer and partner in a law firm. Based on this observation I want to put this letter in the prank pile, where ever fictional posts go.
Sorry too judge so harshly but this is a great forum with real people, with real problems and if this letter is 100% legitimate I whole heartily apologize but I smell something fishy. :confused:
None the less it does present the group with a dilemma we have all seen before.
When you are just playing for fun there is always the risk you will come face to face with someone who will change your world. This individual may also be a player but he may also be seriously looking for a true and committed relationship. The fact that he is ready to move on only shows it is not you but him and that he will stay with the first person that is willing to make a go of it. If what he offers sounds good then by all means go for it but if taking him on a long term basis means a great deal of compromise to yourself then you might be better off letting it go. Be prepared to revaluate this relationship without prejudice on a regular basis until you are sure you are where you want to be.

I can totally relate as the 22 year old that I have been seeing is now seeing a 20 year old. ( I am 40)

I am just taking things one day at a time and hope you will too.

Remember the old saying: If you let someone set them free...

Realistically guys like to date a variety of women for fun and excitement.

Don't do anything crazy!

The guy that I just had a relationship with I was very hesitant at first because of our ages. I remember how I was at his age. I didn't date or go out with tons of people, but a few here and there. I tried telling him that he should go out with others his own age, that I didn't want to deprive him of his younger years.

He insisted that he loved me and that nothing would ever come between us. It was hard to believe at first because I've been disappointed with promises before but felt the need to give him a chance. He held onto his promise for awhile until school started and then his whole outlook on me & us changed :(

He is now ashamed of me and of us and regrets everything that we ever had. He easily got over me with another and is now happier wanting to hang out and date with those of his own age while I'm still left heartbroken feeling awful about myself and who I am =/


but i said no, he was young and needed to try to find someone w. potential. so now feel very very sad about him. was this the right thing to do? i still would love to see him but am afraid....

First and foremost, two people have to be in the same LIFE STAGE to be able to have a long-term, serious relationship. Sometimes a ym can still be in the same life stage as an ow, and the same for yw and om, but if they're not, it isn't going to last. An important issue that can't be ignored is a ym's desire to have his own children, and if the ow can't or won't have his children, then he should be freed from the relationship to meet someone who can and will have his children. Same thing with someone who wants to travel versus someone who wants to be sedentary. There are all kinds of issues that have to be brought up and agreed upon. I think letting him go to date the other girl was a good idea, even though you are hurting from it. It was the right thing to do, and now you are freed up to meet someone who wants the same things in life that you do.

I agree with Polly, I'm one to believe 20+ years is a bit of a stretch for it to work.

Of cause we are shaped by the people we meet, and at 28 he should know more or less what he wants, but the operative word here is children. It is our biggest downside of being in ym/ow relationships causing us so much heartache and insecurity. Unless he's willing to adopt and you can find an agency who will allow you to adopt at your age, its eventually can put a strain on your relationship. If having his own is a must, he may have eventually left you.

Is it the right decision to let him go, i don't know, only he can answer that. i'm sure he would say no, and you would say yes...but, you're not 20 anymore, and if nothing else this experience should teach you a valuable lesson. Things just have a way of not working the way we want them to just because we're swinging from chandelier to chandelier....that chandelier does break, you know, and lands you on your butt.
The question is, do you still want to swing from the chandelier or are you ready to have a mature, grown up loving relationship with someone who really wants to be with you for the long haul...without question, without insecurities, without heartache, without drama. This changes from here on out, now that you've had a taste of being wanted and loved and deserve for the deeper person you are, not just on your young looking face, body etc (which is not going to last forever, you know)...You're a smart woman, you decide.

Paris

I have been listening to the coolest book on CD fro Break-Up help. It makes me laugh.

For instance: "get out of bed already"

It's Called a Break-Up because It's Broken (http://www.randomhouse.com/broadway/breakup/itscalledabreakup.htm)

very cool link - thanks for sharing that

I have been listening to the coolest book on CD fro Break-Up help. It makes me laugh.

For instance: "get out of bed already"

It's Called a Break-Up because It's Broken (http://www.randomhouse.com/broadway/breakup/itscalledabreakup.htm)

i appreciate your responses!

(this is totally legitimate-the typos were from lack of sleep and anxiety over the whole thing. i would never prepare a fictional post to fool with supportive ppl. i really got no support from my normal support group bc they do not believe in dating younger.)

i did have a yr long r/s with a man 8 yrs younger that was fairly successful. i have enjoyed reading other ppls stories, and yes, it does make sense that 2 ppl must be in the same life space. just most of the men my age i meet that are single are bitter and burdened.

since i posted i got a very nice email saying that he was low in confidence when we met, is very glad to have met me at this time in his life.

i know that it was NEVER going to be long term-i was just hoping that it could last for a while, but it was probably foolhardy of me to allow myself to get attached to him at all.

i try to be fair and honest in all r/s. thank u for the replies!

hang on there, ms. smart together lawyer gal.

you worked too hard to truly believe that double standards are fine.

so....lets see, put this shoe on the foot of a 48 year old successful lawyer who just happens to be a man and then tell him he is foolish for falling in love with a 28 highly desirable (to him anyway) woman and sure as crapola, he will tell you to mind your own business.

it is possible for a woman and a man to have a loving and respectful and passionate relationship with a twenty year difference. my husband is 25 and i am 46. yes, i look younger...blaa...blaa..blaa. BUT, it is not about that, we adore each other and i dont know the majic number (as if it really existed) of what the right age is for an age gap couple.

my husband never wanted children, LOVES children, but has chosen to love my two little grandson's and that works for us.

your a smart lady and it is ok to think outside the box, but it all comes down to "love" if this guy loves you than he will find a way to make it work.

LBF ~

To bring it down to the nuts and bolts of your post, the original issue for you was that you were becoming emotionally involved with someone who wants to have children. At 48, I'm going to assume that you're not planning on popping anymore puppies out in the next few years. Is it also reasonable to assume that you're not likely to be interested in adopting children in a few years? (I say in 'in a few years' because IF anything serious were to happen, it would take a while to get to that point, right?).

I don't think that the AG itself is the main issue here but rather the related issue of wanting/having children.

One scenario is that you continue to see him and he decides that life with you would fulfilling without children.

Another is that you continue to become more emotionally involved and he still wants children and the relationship ends.

This is a situation that I believe many women in AG relationships face. Only you can figure out which risks you're willing to take.

Wishing you strength in making your decisions.

I just wanted to say too, that I was in an agegap relationship for six wonderful years, and then he decided he didn't (or couldn't) deal with all the responsibilities that came with being with an ow who owned her own home and had kids, and he left me. In the end, he wasn't in my same life stage. He was almost 21 when we met, and I was 36.

I am 43 now, and I am finding that men in their 30's are more where I am at. I also have been experiencing the "baggage" that men in their 40's and 50's carry, and don't see myself having much in common with them. I am talking to a man in his mid-thirties who is PERFECT for me (as far as I can tell), but he lives far away!


I think it's perfectly fine to date and have relationships with younger men, but again, the important issues need to be agreed upon early on, so they don't rear their ugly heads later. Not all younger men want kids. Not all younger men necessarily want younger women. It's all dependant on the individual.

Not all younger men want kids. Not all younger men necessarily want younger women. It's all dependant on the individual.

So true! Sometimes it's a whole lot of work to convince an OW in whom I'm interested of these facts as applied to myself!

i really do relate to the other ladies stories, but i was single and living alone for two years when i met my husband, i had a wonderful daughter when i was 21 and she is raised and out of the house. our life style suits eachother. i also had success and money and did not NEED a man to take care of me on financial levels. funny, as things have turned out, my husband has an opportunity because of his middle eastern fascination to have a much more lucrative career in the future. we feel blessed by God that money has not been an issue for us.

spiritually he is my match and sometimes my mentor, i learn from him more than i can dare say that he learns from me, i truly love his heart.

the issue with children was MY issue, to this day, if he wanted a child, we would most likely surrogate, he has NEVER changed his mind on this issue and wants me to be his baby, his words, not mine. i have two small grandson's he adores and we feel that we get to share in these childrens lives.

sure my situation is different from yours, but we did not start at the place we are at today, it grew to be what it is today and it has become my biggest blessing outside my child and grandchildren.

if love comes than dont put limitations on it, if this guy really wants you my advise is to look at it long and hard and make a decision from there.

i have so appreciated hearing that it IS possible to work, and for you all to set forth the factors that i need to consider.

one of the reasons i originally dated younger men was bc i did NOT want a r/s, so it seemed so safe. as time went on, i did begin to see that there were possibilities.

i actually have never dated anyone seriously that was so much younger than me. it has been one of the most satisfying time i have spent with a man in so much time. he is really special. even if it turns out to be temporary, i am glad to have spent the time with him. i think my premature ending of it was the fear of those feelings. i am going to just go day by day.

and will continue to read here! :)

i have so appreciated hearing that it IS possible to work, and for you all to set forth the factors that i need to consider.

one of the reasons i originally dated younger men was bc i did NOT want a r/s, so it seemed so safe. as time went on, i did begin to see that there were possibilities.

i actually have never dated anyone seriously that was so much younger than me. it has been one of the most satisfying time i have spent with a man in so much time. he is really special. even if it turns out to be temporary, i am glad to have spent the time with him. i think my premature ending of it was the fear of those feelings. i am going to just go day by day.

and will continue to read here! :)

Just go day by day...very good idea...intense emotions and feelings....can be frightening. The first thing our mind tells us to do when we experience these types of emotions is to run..if you don't rush yourself..and take your time...things always work out the way they were met to...if nothing else...I do know this.

In my weekend conversation (my poor BF! the things i make him go through!), we used a metaphore to discuss about the future... I wanted to know whether we are on board of the same train, heading the same way!

We could have tickets marked for different destinations or for the same, one of us can be ready for a transfer to another train at a certain point down the road, and we both can get out in any station along the way, but at least, are we heading the same way at the moment?

The conclusion was yes, we are. I agree that people need to be in the same "phase" to have a serious relationship, if he is looking for the mother of his kids and she raised hers and says no more thank you, long term kind of sounds difficult... Same if he is not ready to live with teenage or young kids and you have some, etc. I know for sure this r/s i am in would not have worked when my kids were home! Now that they are all gone except for the little one that chose to live with her dad a few blocks away from us, our daily life is very calm, just the way we both want it.

I am sorry but I do not understand (meaning, i would not do it) people that risk having their heart broken by being in a relationship that heads nowhere and they know it right from day one! Isn't that a little masochistic? Or is it not true that they know it won't work and deep inside there is a lot of unconscious hope that he will after all decide to stay with us no matter what? Can we really be THAT carefree?

My impression of letsbefriends is that she is at least somehow hurt!
Maria

It's not a question of being carefree. It's a question of wanting to be with someone for as long as it lasts. No one wants to get their heart broken, but people do all of the time, even people who think their trains are heading in the same direction. It's not like you can pin a sign on a guy that says "this one will never leave me" and "this one most assuredly will". People and relationships are more complicated than formulas and what makes one thing work and another not work isn't really quantifiable and literal and figurable-outable in advance. Sure would be nice if it was.

There's no doubt that some things look pretty bleak from the beginning, and if you're going to embark on something like that, it's a pretty good idea to be honest with yourself that the percentages aren't in your favor for a long-term thing. Self-delusion just makes things end up hurting worse. But if everything were 100% pre-destined, than we wouldn't need to live life to figure out what ends up happening. Some folks always end up beating the odds and hey, you can give it a go, if you're strong enough to deal with the consequences either way, and you really think this person is worth the blood, sweat and tears. Just don't waste your precious life energy gambling on someone who isn't worth it. You may end up getting them and finding out you didn't want them after all :p

There's no doubt that some things look pretty bleak from the beginning, and if you're going to embark on something like that, it's a pretty good idea to be honest with yourself that the percentages aren't in your favor for a long-term thing. Self-delusion just makes things end up hurting worse.

Yes, you put it wonderfully! that is EXACTLY what i meant to say... Of course you are right! No guarantees, no labels of "this one is forever" everyone that has reached our age knows that... or are there many 45-years-old virgins around? I am twice divorced! And i married each time "forever" as we most do of course!.

up until this marriage i gotta tell ya, i never felt like any relationship i was in was a forever thing. i bank on this marriage being forever, i know it and feel it and i never felt that way before. my husband is even more confident than i am and its from his actions and words that i really get my confidence.

i know for my marriage to work that it has to be a party of three. God at the head and adam and i putting Him first. since we both know that this is our guarantee that if we continually treat each other as God has intended us to be treated we got a great shot at keeping our relationship where it is today.

other than that, i really like my husband, i like his mannerisms, his attitudes, his approach to life. if he were not my husband he would still be my friend, in fact i told him that i never wanted to loose our friendship when we took our relationship to a romantic level. we didnt.

i dont believe there are many 45 year old virgins, but i now believe in miracles and love and that love does conquer all. I believe there are great men in the world and i found mine. i believe in happily ever after today because i got the ground rules down and for me its keeping spiritually fit first, easier said than done but so worth it.

so now feel very very sad about him Of course you are sad. You would not be human if you were not. :(

How hard was he trying to get you to not break up with him? Not dating the other girl is something that I would hope that he would decide for HIMSELF not to do. It should not be something to "give up" to continue to see you. Only you know the energy he has put into the relationship. If one person is the one that is doing all the relationship work... it usually doesn't work.

To me this has nothing to do with age. You need to find out just how much he is really really into you and proceed from there. HUGS!!

PS... I guess I was sleepy too because I never even noticed the grammar. It is no big deal so don't worry about it.

kittylane, you give me hope that there is somewhere out there! u 2 sound soo happy and perfect for one another it makes me smile!

and yellowrose, u r right-it may not be the age, it just may be that hes jsut not interested in maintaining a relationship. he is gettin g alot of ribbing from his friends and i suppose it is looked at as just a "mrs robinson" thing that will crash and burn.

having been unhappily married, but financially and professionally successful, has made me want the 2d half to be about real love, respect and companionship.

i have dated so many men the last 2 years, mostly younger, a few close to my age, but rarely felt that "happy to just know you and talk to you" feeling, which i have had with this man. he is the kind i did not date when younger, bc i was too busy with irresponsible types. THATS the feeling thats scary because i dont think i can bear a tremendous hurt.

i know i should walk away and find someone "more appropriate" as my friends say, but it is hard when the feeling is so rare and wonderful. i thought it was reciprocal, and in fact, was worried i might be the one to hurt HIM initially, but after he began dating someone else, realized i was probably in it more. sigh.

it feels silly sometimes to be this age and continue to moon about a man, but here i sit, mooning... :o

the advice has been kind and supportive. thank you!

I agree with ToGirl.

:( i came to this board for help, and overall have been quite comforted. but i must say the responses of togirl and curlysue are quite disheartening. if u believe i am wasting your time posting here, u needn't respond.

i am feeling down enough without being criticized by those who are supposedly here to support other women.

and for the life of me, i cannot understand what i said to make anyone think this is false?? my ususal support group has been hung up about the age gap, so there are few places to turn.

logging on and hoping someone isnt mean is not what i perceive this is for. anyway, i just wanted u 2 ladies to realize that is hurtful and harmful...

my thoughts as i now feel worse about logging on here....

I think Curly was referring to the advice in the second part of Togirl's post.

Anyhow, Kitty shows how a large AGR can work, but she admits that Adam never wanted kids. IMO, that is the only true OW/YM related issue. Everything else you'll run into in non-AG relationships.

The point is, he wants kids and you can't or won't. Unless you both can compromise, what else is there to say?

Look at it from the other side - I have 2 kids. If Jeremy had told me from day one that he hated kids and would never have them, I would have never gone out with him. Why bother?

If your YM told you he wanted a woman to smoke crack with every day would you still date him? No, because you would obviously want different things.

Why would you continue to date someone who wants to do something (kids) that you don't?