look from other side

I accidentally found this forum and decided to seek your help in this delicate matter. I will state it short. How would you respond to the situation when one party takes your child-teenager to the girlfriend’s house and spends there few days? I am devastated with such behavior and I am concerns how this influence on child future perception. The divorce has not been finalized yet.

Hi Dawnbird.

I am sorry, but your post is not very clear. Did your ex-husband take your daughter to his girlfriend's house? Is there an age gap in this situation? Please tell us more details so that we can give you some advice.

Yes, he took to his girlfriend’s house. I am terrifying about this, since seeing them both sleeping together by my child, who has noticed this and told me about. It is a clear disrespect of his father to the child. Instead of spending the time with kid, he took to the place, where child had to entertain itself with other teen present in house.

What kind of father is taking his child to data his girlfriend and moreover, he does not know this woman very well (although I could be mistaken), if to believe what I heard, they know each one for about a month and met on line. I do not care about relationships with ex anymore and I have seen enough to come to this conclusion.

What concerns me most of all is my child and how I should protect him from this.

I understand your concerns and worry about your child (you do not tell us how old he/she is), and your poor opinion of your ex husband. You should share them with him and suggest that perhaps his is not the best way to handle those days in which the children are with him and that he should exercise more caution, and provide them with more company of their age and suitable entertainment.

However, if he is serious about his relationship and trusts his girlfriend, it is possible that you will have to accept that he is simply sharing with his children what is now his life and the new girlfriend is just a part of it.

Good luck to you and your family!
Maria

I came to realise that it is very harmful for a child when one parent points out the faults of the other parent. Children need to look up to both parents as role models.

If I were you, I would leave the child to choose if his/her father's behaviour is wrong or not. All you can do is to counterbalance a bad behaviour by a good one.

example: my kid comes home from a weekend at his father's and tells me that his father said that school is not important, that we can still have careers without being good in school. I don't tell him that his father is wrong, I simply explain to him that his father has a right to his opinion and he is right as far as he is concerend. But my opinion about the subject is that it will be easier for him to choose a career when he has finished his school years successfully.

Hi dawnbird, and welcome to Ageless,

I came to realise that it is very harmful for a child when one parent points out the faults of the other parent. Children need to look up to both parents as role models.

If I were you, I would leave the child to choose if his/her father's behaviour is wrong or not…

I'd have to disagree with Bodhi in this instance. A child is hardly the wisest judge of its own behavior, let alone that of an adult.

I DO agree that it is unwise for you to critique your ex's behavior in front of your child. However as a parent you have a responsibility, not just to set a good example, but to speak up in situations that you feel may compromise your child's ability to make good decisions.

Speak privately to your ex, and see if you can come to some amicable solution. I think your concerns are legitimate and must be addressed.

What your ex does is none of your business, especially if the "child" in question is a teenager. As long as the child/teenager is not being directly exposed to the act of sex itself, the ex is not doing anything wrong. If this woman is his girlfriend and they have a relationship, as somebody else pointed out, he just might be acclimating his child to his new life and this woman might be a very important part of it.

What your ex does is none of your business, especially if the "child" in question is a teenager. As long as the child/teenager is not being directly exposed to the act of sex itself, the ex is not doing anything wrong. If this woman is his girlfriend and they have a relationship, as somebody else pointed out, he just might be acclimating his child to his new life and this woman might be a very important part of it.

I gotta agree here. You're legally separated, divorcing and I'm sorry... life goes on. My ONLY concern would be whether or not the child IS being supervised decently and whether or not there is a room for that child to sleep in at the other home, if they are all sleeping there.

You might just get lucky. Your ex's girlfriend might be a stellar woman who puts a lot of focus and attention on your child and forging a good friendship with them. Don't jump to conclusions about the situation, despite the raw feelings you might have being still technically "married."
~phos

Thank you very much all of you for comments. I appreciate your view and advices in my situation. We all learning in life and the goal is not to repeat these mistakes later.

Child was put under de facto: if you would like to go with me- you can go, otherwise you are going to be alone in the house for all time I am absent. It became evident again to me, that person who did not care about his child before the divorce would not care after that as well.

No one paid attention to the child during these few days while being in his girlfriend’s house. They were busy with themself according to child. Few sentences was asked.

Regarding the

Your ex's girlfriend might be a stellar woman who puts a lot of focus and attention on your child and forging a good friendship with them.

I am doubt, since I know very well, I stress very well, psychology and tactics of such type, foreign, woman. Moreover, I do not need someone’s help to raise my child. I have all for that.
Child expressed desire not to visit this house anymore.

I do not have any desire to stay between him and his new girlfriend; neither to discuss them with my child. Everyone has a choice and responsibility and he made it. Good luck to them both. It’s not my business any more. I rather spend my time for something worthwhile. I see child makes his own conclusion. My goal to teach basic principles, values, manners, and exposed to the world and life, showing beauty, value of people’s relationships, preserving self-esteem and confidence as well as being focused in life. There are many more things I plan to do as we always both did.

I would talk to the 'ex' in a VERY NON_CONFRONTATIONAL, NON-JUDGING manner, with out your daughter present.

I would ask casually that, if he is taking her to spend the night anywhere else, to let you know where that is in advance. I would stress that he has a right to privacy and making his own choices but that the daughter came back and related that she SAW THEM SLEEPING TOGETHER, & concerned. Therefore you were not sure what really went on. Did she have fun, because she felt like it was boring, for example?

You are going to have to be the bigger person and put your own personal feelings aside (the judgment). The only way you can really protect your daughter is to get along really well with the X so that you two can talk things out reasonably about what concerns you have about your daughter.

It isn't easy... good luck! :)

I am doubt, since I know very well, I stress very well, psychology and tactics of such type, foreign, woman. Moreover, I do not need someone’s help to raise my child. I have all for that.
Child expressed desire not to visit this house anymore.

I didn't say you needed help raising your kid. *deep sigh* I said they MIGHT be able to have a good friendship. When my husband and I split up, his first girlfriend did WONDERS at ensuring my ex-husband put my son FIRST and she made an effort to get to know me and work with me, since my son was there every other weekend. It's not unheard of for that to happen.

But, you now add that your child doesn't want to go there anymore. So, you definitely need to do what yellowrose advises and that is sit down with the ex-husband and have an honest, non-confrontational discussion about the girlfriend and the child's feelings/comments, etc.

IF that turns out badly, seek legal counsel to advise you on the next step. A child of age 13 in the states (I don't know where you are) has the right to have a SAY when it comes determining visitation. Some states lower that age, too. If he/she doesn't want to visit with his Dad at his Dad's girlfriends, then he/she should have the right to call you and GO HOME.

But, the first step is communicating with the ex-husband, and if that's not possible without causing a fight (confrontation), then get a MEDIATOR. And if THAT doesn't work, see your lawyer.

Good luck.
~phos

What Phos said!

Somehow I get the feeling we're dealing with a language and cultural barrier here. OP may be in the US, or not. Other societies might see this type of thing as terribly promiscuous and just not a good example for a teenage daughter. I know people in the US who would have hissies if their teenager were exposed to an ex's new gf overnight. Some like to draw a line, even if it's a lie.

Ali