Should I believe him?

I decided to ask you guys for advice once more... since I always read such wise answers to our little (or not so little dilemmas), and you are such a supporting bunch.

Weekends are the times in which my BF and I have really time for each other, we love it, but it is also the time in which i get my insecurities attacks and the poor guy has to endure my "serious conversations" about the future. I know all about living a day at at time and enjoying *theoretically* but I can't help it! I get so insecure sometimes! Believe me, i am embarassed about it! I never felt that way before! But then again, I never was with someone that wasn't my age.... I read some other ladies have the same problems and I consider myself lucky that he takes me very seriously and considers every stupid question and answers thoroughly.

Yesterday though, he shocked me. He said that he is 100 % sure he does not want to have his own kids, and that he even considered having a vasectomy sometimes (when he was dating yw) to avoid being "trapped" into one so to say... He adores kids, he is even working for an organization called the "Red Noses" that goes to hospitals to play clown for sick children. When he meets little kids on the street he goes down on his knees from his impressive 2 meters height and smiles and talks to them. He insisted though that one thing is to LIKE kids and another to want to have kids. He said he is very tired as it is, that he wants to do many things in life and that a kid simply would not fit the plans, one cannot give a kid back or withdraw from 'the deal" he says. It is forever and for every hour of your life. And that is why it is a non-issue that I can't have any, or if i want to I would have to really (but REALLY) hurry.... He adores my daughter (10) and it is a mutual love! Now when he tells me the sweet things that he does to comfort me when i am sad (that he will NEVER change me, that he won't let me go, etc. etc...) he adds: "and Sofia, i won't let HER go either!.

He is a very considerate person, a very sensitive human being, i know it best by judging how he is with his parents. Of course a mother in law that rejects me outright would not have my sympathies, that's logic, but he told me many stories and i know she is not only very sick (OCD) but full of anger (her father was a horror, i met him!) and she truly abused him as a child and now still cannot seem to stop screaming and dissing him, criticizing everything he does (she calls him a pig and he is the most organized person I know!) and he is still so empathic and sweet with her (makes me mad, and ashamed of being mad, i must tell you! I fell i am awful!). Do you think he is telling me this to calm me down and reassure me?

I mean, should i drop it or insist? My excuse is that if he really wants a baby, I really have almost no time at all! My Ob-gyn told me that every month at my age counts....As for me, i am happy if i have no more children but i would also be happy with another one! We baby-crazy people are just made like that i guess... Career-wise, health-wise, etc not such a hot idea, but I would gladly have a baby for him if he wants one. (Actually before he came into my life i was dreaming of grandchildren...)

How does what he says feel? honest or a lie to make me happy?
Thanks for the input!
Maria

My boyfriend says that he doesn't understand why women want babies and he thinks it's illogical and just costs too much money, takes too much time and overpopulates the world.

He works in a youth centre in a school looking after very young children as part of Germany's mandatory civic service program. He seems to enjoy himself and he has said that he likes children, but that he wouldn't want any of his own.

I don't know whether he will change his mind in time, but I'm not really interested in having more children. This is something we can discuss if the opportunity arises.

If your guy is aware of the factors surrounding your fertility as a couple and the expensive and time consuming task of raising babies, then he's more than able to communicate his desires informatively. He sounds like an intelligent, mature man from how you describe him and I think you should take him at his word without second guessing his sincerity.

From what you have said of him, I can only assume that he's telling you how he feels and not just what you want to hear.

Believe him! He sounds like he's thought it out. And after all, he has your daughter, doesn't he? He's not lacking for children in his life. Not everyone wants the parenthood experience for themselves and that's just fine.

I agree, listen to him. Don't go into this fantasy land of 'but'...Although I am confused as to why he's with you. You do have a child and as much as he may claim to love her, should this relationship not work out, he is basically saying that it would be convenient for him to walk away from a child whose not his and for all intent and purposes he can turn his back on your child just like at the hospital, unlike his own child.

I always think that if you don't want children, you don't get yourself involve with women w/children. Children become attached quickly to whatever man is being brought home, mainly because its where they get their male blueprints and views worked out in their heads before adulthood. Its honourable that he gets involve with children at the hospital but he kind of said it best...you don't have to take them home, they're not really involve in your life and no one can stake a claim on him as the father. Shoot w/those kinds of incentives, I wouldn't want to give him a child at all. I can see him agonizing with the decision to break it off, alas, he cannot walk away from his own child and he's tied to you for the lifespan of his child. I don't know...I think if you cannot put in every effort into being a hands on father and you know you don't care enought to and will even consider cutting your life supply, then, heck, don't have any and any woman would be stupid enough to give him one.

So I would listen to him. I know one can get so caught up in the romance of having someone, but he seems to be very clear on this issue. Either come to the conclusion that this is where you want to be and this is the way he is and stop the insecurities and just live with it or search deep for a different answers and cut the guy a break. He is who he is and you have to accept him and move on and not read too much into it.

Paris

I agree, listen to him. Don't go into this fantasy land of 'but'...Although I am confused as to why he's with you. You do have a child and as much as he may claim to love her, should this relationship not work out, he is basically saying that it would be convenient for him to walk away from a child whose not his and for all intent and purposes he can turn his back on your child just like at the hospital, unlike his own child.

It's so true that children get SO attached! Sofia does not live with us and obviously so far it is the perfect amount of contact, that is why he is happy with her. She is not there ALL the time which is what he most fears: to resent the child's presence at some point.. not to be able to take it.

Thanks all for the valuable advice!
Maria

Hi, I would listen to him. My husband is younger than me and I have been wondering the last couple of years if he was being honest when he says no more children. Because as you pointed out, the clock is ticking! I know my situation is somewhat different because we do have children together. But I kept kind of hinting until finally he said that he was looking forward to us having more time together with just us. And he said isnt it nice that we can finally eat out with no one in a booster seat. And no one throwing food...haha. I was scared that he really wanted more since he is younger. But after our long talk and the sincerity in his eyes, I believe him. He is a very good father. Very attentive to all of our needs. He enjoys the children and definately is what you would call a "family man". But he explained that he was looking forward to the next phase of our lives and he didnt want to start over with the whole baby thing again. I think your fella is just being honest. I would take him at his word. Unless it is an issue for you (wanting another child), I would just drop it and be happy. :) I have a feeling he really means it. BTW, My husband is very good with children too, besides our own. Your fella reminds me of him. When we are out among kids, its like they find him. They just love him. And he is so kind and fun for them to be around. It would make you think that he really would want more. But apparantly not so.