It's been a long time....need some help

I can't believe how long I haven't visited this site. Well occasionally I have checked in quickly, but not long enough to post. I've been really busy with work and life in general. I'm happy to see that some couples have been together and are happy. :) Hope all of you who were here when I was here last have a vague recollection of me (or us - Addy and Addy).

I needed a little help and thought that this is the only place I could get it so here goes.

Adam has been here three times in the past year and a half - every six months approximately. In case you don't know, he's from Australia. We are madly in love and nothing can change that. It's obvious that in the face of all adversity, we have managed to overcome lots of obsticles to be together. Last year he gave up an entire term at school to be here with me. He's the love of my life and I try to show him that in all the ways I can. Well, now he has asked me to do one thing that I'm having a really tough time with and that is to go there. Australia is a long way away! Actually, I have a confirmed flight plans and I have made sure I have tied things up at work so that I can get away, and I've even bought him a gift (as well as getting little gifts for his parents and his sisters whom I'm meeting for the first time), and, well, everything is set. Except for one little bitty thing......I've had to lie to my daughters (who don't know about him) about where I'm going and I'm completely devestated about that. I am due to leave on Wednesday, and suddenly, I'm feeling that I can't go. I think about how badly I will feel being on a trip all the way around the world, and my children not knowing where I am. I've told them that I'm going to a conference in Singapore and because of this, I've booked a flight that will take me through Singapore, but, I know it's still a lie. I'll have to lie about the hotel I'm staying at and everything else about this trip. My 16 year old has told me a million times how much she can't stomach the idea of Demi & Ashton and she just can't understand women that age wanting such young men. I'm older than Demi and Adam is younger than Ashton - what would she think? She is such a great kid and I don't want anything to upset her life right now. I had made up my mind that I wouldn't tell my daughters about Adam until we were close to moving in together and that wouldn't happen until she leaves for college (next year). So, here I am with an entire plan, the tickets ready to go, work all tidied up, and Adam soooooooo excited that I'm going and I've got cold feet. I just don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow when I have to call the travel agent (the flights are confirmed, although I haven't paid for the tickets yet).

Please help. If anyone can give me some thoughts on this I would really appreciate it. I just don't know how to get past the lying to my girls. I feel so horrid about it and I feel that it's just wrong. What would you do?

what a tangled web we weave with that first lie eh?
set it straight now... whatcha gonna do, live your life how your 16 y/o would approve of?
are you ashamed of adam? you aren't.. so set it all straight. does adam know about this?

but I also tend to believe the past does not determine the future.

In short, Christine's sorta nailed it... but here's a couple of things that don't appear to make sense or at least leave one "wondering."

How in the heck did Adam spend an entire school semester with you without your daughter knowing?

Does Adam know that you have lied to her? Does he know you (apparently) have a problem with your daughter knowing about him? Unless Adam is your informed partner in all this, you are cheating him, really, and perhaps even misleading him. I tend to believe that omission of truth can equal a lie.

What would I do in your situation? I'd recognize that this is not about a trip to Australia, decide whether or not I really have/want a relationship with him and then explain my decision to my daughter who, at 16, is not qualified to judge my relationship or dictate my thinking.

But that's me. It maybe be made complicated or it can be kept simple:

1. Decide whether or not to go.
2. Decide who you are going to lie to when you implement the first decision.

That looks a bit harsh, but there's not much time to "tidy things up."

Hi Addy, I remember you quite well. :) On the one hand, I'm glad to learn that you and Adam are still together despite all your obstacles. But, am sad for you that you feel you have to lie to your daughters.

I tend to agree with both Christina and Wally. I don't think that dishonesty will serve any purpose. In fact, if your daughters do happen to find out the truth later, they may be even more angry because you lied to them.

It would be a shame that you should have to cancel the trip completely. Can you not at least tell them that you are going to Australia to meet someone you are interested in? They don't necessarily have to be told about his age right now. When you get back, you could begin telling them about the age difference when the time feels right. But, at least be honest with them about where you are going in case someone does need to reach you.

Thank you ladies, I suppose everone needs a little wake up call now and then.

To answer some of your questions, yes of course Adam knows that my daughters don't know about him (that is of course, until today at which point I knew that if I didn't tell at least my older daughter, I couldn't go on that trip, so I told her!!!!)

When Adam and I started to understand that our relationship was a serious one, I discussed my children, my life, my past and what I wanted in my future with him. We agreed that until it would be possible for us to live together, we wouldn't tell my children. All of my friends, my sisters, his parents, and just about everyone at my office knows about Adam (and in fact, they have all met him). Please understand, I am not ashamed of my relationship with him - I'm crazy about him, but it didn't make any sense for me to start explaining to my then 13 year old things that I was certain she wouldn't understand at that time, and, that really made no sense burdening her young mind with. So, I didn't lie to her, I just never had the reason to tell her. Ads and I decided that when she goes to college, and he's finished with his degree, we will then move in together.

As I said, I told my oldest daughter today and she was amazingly gracious and basically told me that what makes me happy is fine with her and she has encouraged me to go on the trip. I did tell her about our age gap as well. She laughed and said "I always knew you were a hot mama!) She was wonderful about that too. We discussed the idea of telling my younger daughter, but couldn't decide really what to do about that. She really seems to have a difficult time with understanding how someone Demi's age can be involved with Ashton. She is only 16 and I have confidence that when she does find out, she will be ok with it. I'll think about when a good time to tell her is.

As for Adam's being here for three months - that was in the summer. During that time we sublet a couple of apartments in Manhattan and I spent one full month with him and then several days a week while my daughter was with her father. I would have loved for him to come to my house, but that will have to wait.

Anyway, Adam knows everything and has been involved with my decisions. This April will be three years and we love each other more each day. I just wanted to make sure that when my children found out about him, it would be at a time when it made sence for all of us. I guess today was a new beginning for me. It was very difficult to tell my daughter that I was going to Australia to see my boyfriend who is a million years younger than I am. I'm sure that some of you have had to deal with the same issues.

I just want to say thanks for your thoughts. Some of them felt a little like a ton of bricks falling on my head, but then again, I needed that.

I am going on the trip and I can't wait to see my guy. :D

YAY!!!!!!!!!!! I am so glad you decided to tell your oldest daughter. Have a great time in Australia and be sure and come back more often and update us! :)

have a great trip!!!! a wonderful time!!!

Have you returned from the land down under? How did you like Australia? And I would love to see pictures! I haven't been to the part of Australia you are going to, but I am sure it was gorgeous! I was in the states for the Thanksgiving holiday with my family and we left the states on the 29th November. You left the day after I did! Wow....