8 years later, it turns out 11 years was too many

Message deleted

Please don't say that 11 years was too many. I honestly don't think the gap has ANYTHING to do with it, although it sounds like he'd like you to believe that. He's most likely bored or what have you and is using the gap as an excuse. It's bullcrap.

Most age gap relationship issues involving people in their 30's and 40's have absolutely nothing to do with the age of the partners and everything to do with the relationship dynamics, etc.

Don't let him get you on the ropes. If you want him in your life, then fight for him. Looks to me that you are letting him off the hook because you happen to be 11 years older. There are a bazillion relationships around here that are very successful with much larger gaps.

Kick this guy in the head and let him know the real deal. And if he doesn't snap out of it, then give him his walking papers. He's trying to have his cake and eat it too because he can.

Gosh I hate stories like this. I'm sorry he's hurting you. You have to set him straight NOW.

Can't argue with that. . .

My husband started going through a similar thing when he was 34. But guess what? I was only 3 years older than him. He had a couple of affairs, and I called it quits when I was 39, he was 36. All the counselors we (read: mostly ME!) saw said it seemed almost like a midlife crisis. I don't know if guys hit that age and start wishing they were younger...but I have to agree with Bubbleee here. I don't think it's your age gap. I do think it's something in him that feels like he is missing out on something...it's a lack of substance, depth, whatever...

I'm 55. I can guarantee you that your life is not over, even if this guy walks. I've had more fun since I was 50 than anytime in my 40's (when I was raising an adolescent daughter!) Please don't take his attitude personally, as hard as that might be. I'm sure you're fabulous!

Here's the thing: there are NO guarantees about any relationship, and people don't behave. Get yourself some counseling if you think that would comfort you and help you through whatever transition this might bring for you. Keep it together for your daughter's sake. If your guy walks, there's nothing you can do but go on living the best life you can.

I was married for 12 years. I don't consider them wasted at all even though many of them were not that happy. They were just part of my journey...

I was married to a man 11 years OLDER than I was, and he still cheated---so go figure :o

its the guy not the gap

I would say it is the mid-life crisis. Try and convince him to go to a counsellor with you. Maybe you can save your relationship.

It's a mid-life if I've ever seen one. Most people do not understand that if one can get through a mid-life without leaving, the love they find surviving it is even stronger and greater than the love they had before. I know. If you love him, try and get him to see it as such and to fight it. FIGHT for him if you love him!! Be so damn sweet and kind that he finds it impossible to go out and leave you. Talk with him and try and understand. Read up on it. If he does go, he'll so regret this action in just a few months -- you'll see. I wish you the best as I know it must be hurting you terribly.

My ym left me in July. We lived together for six years, and he was stepdad to my two kids. I was absolutely devestated. He just up and decided he wanted to go to bars and act like a college boy or something. We were almost 16 years apart.

When I look back on it now, I realize that he never really had enough "party years" under his belt, taking care of a son at a very young age, and when he lost a bitter custody battle for his son, he kind of gave up on responsibility altogether and just started to change.

I didn't beg him to stay, although I did write him a long letter about how much I loved him and if there was a chance to save this, we should try. He didn't want to, so I gracefully let him go and kept my dignity intact. We live in a small town and know all the same people, so it's all that much harder. I got through this horrendous time by the grace of God and my wonderful friends. I was pretty despondent for at least two months, then I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I cried a lot, prayed a lot, and tried to keep busy. Most of all, I tried to focus what little energy I had on my kids.

It's been 4 months now, and I don't hurt anymore. My (ex) ym and I are friends. I've dated a couple of times and enjoyed it. I'm talking to someone online I care deeply about and he is ten times the person (from what I know of him) that my ex is, so he has helped me get over my hurt a great deal. A wise friend told me, "God had his arms around your waist, gently pulling you away from your ym, telling you to let go so he could bless you with something much better." I'm sure now that she's right! :)

Some people are meant to be in our lives forever, and others just a while. They fulfill their purpose and then they are meant to move on. There's nothing wrong with him or with you, just that this isn't what he wants anymore, for whatever reason, and the reason doesn't really matter. You can't make someone stay in love with you. I'm sorry you're hurting, and I know exactly how you feel. The best advice I can give you is: If it's over, let go and start processing the mourning and grief. You WILL get to the other side of this. I know you don't want to be alone and mourn the time you invested only for it to turn out this way, but it DID serve its purpose. It wasn't a total waste. You are not too old to find someone else and perhaps fall in love even more deeply than you could ever imagine. I know you don't believe it right now, but it's true!

(((BIG HUGS))) to you my friend. My heart is with you, but you WILL be okay!

message deleted

Lothian, great post - you are clearly thoughtful and a good listener. A lot of people aren't very good at taking a look at their assumptions the way you did, they prefer to stick to the stereotypes and try to make reality fit them.

I think you have come to absolutely the right place on this. Struggling with a partner who's acting contrary can give them something to push against and keep them moving away from you, while offering the least resistance (within the realm of COMPLETE respect for yourself!) allows them to take the space and time to think about their Actions instead of just continuing with Reactions.

Best wishes, and no matter how it turns out you will be just where you should be.

I have been in my relationship with my partner for 8 years. He is 36 and I am 47. Just recently he has started socializing with people in their early to mid-thirties without me. We never married. (I thought he just didn't like marriage. Turns out it was me he didn't like enough to marry.) Now he says he is no longer attracted to me, but is willling to give it some time.

If I had it to do over again, I would not have invested 8 years of my life to end up alone and starting over at 47. This came as a bolt out of the blue!

This is an awful time for this--my daughter is a senior in high school, and going away to college next year. While I was somewhat fearing the empty nest, I was looking forward to time alone with my partner and new adventures in our relationship. Now it looks like I will be having adventures alone. I was also looking forward to enjoying her senior year --and now all this drama and I can barely stand to be around him. We own a home together, and he does care for my daughter, so its very complicated.

It was never a problem until he started to hit mid-thirties and then he started wanting to look and act younger, it seems. He now seems attracted to women his own age or younger, whereas when I met him, he was not. Go figure!

I am not in bad shape and look pretty darn good, if I must say so myself, (and apparently, I must.) lol.

Heartbreaking because I still love him. I want to try, but I feel like a fool knowing I am competing with women so much younger than me.

I am devastated, crushed, and feel betrayed.


I think you should rent the movie When Harry Met Sally and have a good cry. And please let go of this fella now. Give him and yourself room to breathe and see if it's a passing thing (don't wait for more than a month). It could be. But eight years is a long time for any relationship. And love and romance are ephemeral after all.

Hugs

Ali