Coping with multiple endings and beginnings

Today I am feeling contemplative and also very sad for the pain some our friends here at ageless have gone through lately, or are going through right now, due to relationship breakups.

This led led to me to wonder: if you could look into crystal ball and know for certain that your love life would only ever consist of a succession of relationships which lasted 2-8 years, with many gaps in between, and the possibility of experiencing old age alone, would you behave differently in your relationships?

I mean would your organise you life so that you could better cope with relationship endings, such as making sure you were financially capable of moving on when the relationship ended? Would you invest more time into your community of family & friends seperate from your partner and his/her friends? Would you be more inclined to live apart than together (to prevent the risk of having your property taken from you when the relationship ends)?

Are there secrets you would keep?

Would you still choose to have children?

I'm just curious, because I think I would live life differently if i knew that was my future.

i'd of never showed up at the church.

i've had people tell me...."but you wouldn't have your babies"


GOOFY! i wouldn't KNOW my babies. well, John, because he's adopted but i could handle being a single mother of one that had never been thru the hell that man put me thru.

but like the saying goes: hindsight is 20/20.

so yes, i'd handle relationships differently.

Quote: such as making sure you were financially capable of moving on when the relationship ended? YES
Would you invest more time into your community of family & friends seperate from your partner and his/her friends? YES
Would you be more inclined to live apart than together (to prevent the risk of having your property taken from you when the relationship ends)? YES
Are there secrets you would keep? YES
Would you still choose to have children? NO

You know Bella, I am already contemplating being old and alone. :eek:
I cant predict my future but it is a possibility. I might end up alone or not. I dont know.
Would I change certain things? Yes of course I would.
But my children are the best thing that ever happened to me. But yes I would change how I have been so passive about my ex not paying child support most times.
I regret that part.
But now they are grown up.
I do have a job, I can pretty much make it on my own even if its not always easy but does it mean being with someone would be easier? No.
I guess the fact that my ex didnt pay child support most times pushed me to do more than I might of done otherwise.
Gosh I'm rambling right now.
Enough for now than :o

Really.... I dunno....

I know that although I've gone through some bad times that really hurt, I would still go through it all gladly knowing I would be where I am now. I don't know about if I could look into a crystal ball and see the future...

I guess I only know how to live life one way, and that's by being completely open, especially in relationships. I think it's the only way you can ever have a 'real' relationship. If you withold any part of yourself then I think you aren't truly living or experiencing what it is possible to experience.

You know Bella, I am already contemplating being old and alone

You're too beautful and loving to be alone always, hon:)

I guess I only know how to live life one way, and that's by being completely open, especially in relationships. I think it's the only way you can ever have a 'real' relationship.

Yeah, I guess most of us have to follow our basic natures; I'm like that too to a certain extent...I tend to be compulsively giving and open, I guess. I wonder if you or I woud feel differently if our freedom or significant assetts we'd worked hard for were at stake? Would you be willing to wear the possibility of losing everything you'd worked for because a relationship didn't work out?

And if your choice to have children was based on the hope that you would be part of a family unit, would you think twice about it if you knew you'd end up being a single parent struggling through life?

Would you still choose to have children? NO

Thats must be hard, greeneyed girl. I sometimes imagine that almost every woman who has a child does it, in part, for her man, and also with the belief that the marriage will last. Women who have children thesedays are so courageous.

Hmm, really interesting question Bella. What your "would-yous" seem to boil down to is the main question of "would you ever put yourself in a position of dependency on a partner (again)?"

Well, after seeing the effects of what pretty much complete dependency were on my mother's life, I decided LONG ago that I would never, ever, do the same to myself.

I have always aimed at being financially independent from a man, and have always been so within my power. And NO joint accounts, even when I was married the first time. This time around, there could be some joint account(s) but there's no need to merge everything.

Definitely believe in a wide circle of friends, and CHOOSING them as best I can. "Inheriting" friends is nice enough, and I like all my honey's friends, but they have far less in common with me as opposed to someone they grew up with and knew since he was a young teen.

Secrets are no problem, I've not much to be ashamed of nor have I anything I need to hide. I chose a trustworthy man.

Neither of us are interested in having children, never have been, but I've never thought about it in relation to breakups. (In other words, the possibility of separating from a partner was never one of my reasons for not having kids.)

Living apart to protect property? Nope. One can always protect property legally to some degree, but no, I want the man I love with me. We so enjoy our life together. I've moved so many times, both during and outside of relationships, it's become routine anyway. :p (I think we're going to hold off on moving again any year soon, we're happy with our new home and our work.)

Interesting questions. :)

Yes I would have done much differently. Mostly never gotten involved with the people I did. I would have concentrated on building myself a good independent life with a good career and probably would never have gotten married at all.None of the men I have loved has turned out to be anything but heartache, and now I am not only financially dependent on a nut case but looking at being old and alone again too. I am apparently woefully unable to choose stable, loving men. If I ever date again, I am considering making them get a psychological analysis before I will go out with them.

Yeah, I guess most of us have to follow our basic natures; I'm like that too to a certain extent...I tend to be compulsively giving and open, I guess. I wonder if you or I woud feel differently if our freedom or significant assetts we'd worked hard for were at stake? Would you be willing to wear the possibility of losing everything you'd worked for because a relationship didn't work out?

And if your choice to have children was based on the hope that you would be part of a family unit, would you think twice about it if you knew you'd end up being a single parent struggling through life?


If significant assets were at stake.... no, I don't think it would affect me. I'd rather feel like I'd lived and have nothing than have everything and feel like I hadn't lived. I'm not sure what you mean by freedom exactly?

Living is about having different experiences, isn't it? If bad things never happened, then maybe you wouldn't appreciate the good quite as much, you'd just be in a comfort zone the whole of your life.

I think if someone gave me the opportunity to look into a crystal ball I'd refuse. I don't want to live my life on some kind of autom-pilot, I want to do it the way that feels right. Hopefully, within the next year or two I'll be moving away from my home to live in a different country with my gf. I'll leave behind my family, friends, 90% of what I own, I won't be able to watch my football team play anymore (which is a big thing!) and I'll have to give up playing for the team I play for. I'm going to do it because it feels like it's the right thing to do, I'm sure it is. And I don't want to be able to see how everything works out... isn't that part of the fun, getting there?

If you could look into crystal ball and know for certain that your love life would only ever consist of a succession of relationships which lasted 2-8 years, with many gaps in between, and the possibility of experiencing old age alone, would you behave differently in your relationships?

I would ask myself why... am I choosing the wrong partners? why am I not able to keep a steady relationship?

I mean would your organise you life so that you could better cope with relationship endings, such as making sure you were financially capable of moving on when the relationship ended?
Done that already

Would you invest more time into your community of family & friends seperate from your partner and his/her friends?
I would try to keep a balance so as not to neglect my partner but keeping my support system healthy.

Would you be more inclined to live apart than together (to prevent the risk of having your property taken from you when the relationship ends)?
I would keep my property safe, no need to live apart.

Are there secrets you would keep?
I always keep secrets

Would you still choose to have children?
YES!


I like it that there are no crystal balls.

Personally, even if people have crystal balls, they would still do whatever the hell they want to do. Or they will forget or ignore what they've seen. We're pretty short sighted. Its like I got into a discussion about miracles with a friend of mine once and I told her that I didn't understand why there weren't anymore BIG miracles, I mean on a biblical scale anymore, instead of small miracles geared to each individual person. I felt that if there was a generation who needed to really have such a vision it would be us, and she was right about one thing. EVen if there were such miracles, we would forget promptly forget about it the next day and we embrace the loud voice of pride and arrogance; say it never happened, which is what we do today or we don't believe or ignore what's in front of our faces. And this is where we falter. So we're pretty much on our own, hopefully with a quiet reflection to find and embrace the truth in our relationships.


So whose to say that the balls weren't there to begin with, we just choose to ignore it. Why? Because we are in love and that takes precedent over our so call wisdom, our children, our work, our lives, our money and we want to believe so much in the other person...we ignore everything else in the hopes that this relationship is THE one. I believe there are crystal balls, they're our conscious, our gut feelings, our doubts, but we get caught up in the vision without really seeing, we hope, without really putting the effort it takes to fight the good fight, we believe, because if we didn't we would be dead.

Everyone is an investment, but every effort should be place to invest in ourselves. Too many times what I'm seeing is that we still put all the responsibility of love and happiness on the other person and when that person doesn't measure up, we're devastated. Of cause its not easy, an investment of x amount of years is difficult to walk away from, but when he/she is telling you I don't feel the same, its time to move on and concentrate on investing in yourselves.

Paris

I wouldn't change anything. I believe everything happens for a reason.

My skin would not be as thick as it is today if all of my past relationships where "roses and bubbles". I also would not appreciate the wonderful relationship I have now as much if I did not know what heartbreak felt like. :)

i wish i had been wiser... i wish that when a guy tells you he has been arrested its time to really look long and hard.

i gave so many chances to guys cause i thought they were good people, man i lived with some of the most horrible men on the planet.

lived thru being beaten in front of my daughter and went on to find someone who was addicted to porn and frequented stip clubs and had the cruelness of telling me that it was because of me that he went to those places.... it is such a bleedin miracle that adam came into the picture.... a miracle.

i tell him all the time that my heart has been broken so deeply that if it had not been for this experience i would have surely closed to door on love in my life.

my heart was truly ripped apart and then this wonderful friendship turned to love came into my life.

i love my daughter but i wish it had not been so hard, i worked and pushed like a maniac because i was so afraid of losing her because of financial reasons, i wish her father had stepped up to the plate and helped financially but today i am financially stable so i guess it all worked out.

the one thing i know is how to be grateful today.... i am really grateful what i have today because of where i came from. however, i truly would like to not have the memories or had the experiences that i did have.

I wish that I had not put a guys needs before my kids needs. I thought my kids needed a good Father. Getting married again had as much to do with as anything. For some reason my 2 serious relationships consisted of men who were jealous of time that I spent with my child. She was only 6 at the time... Can you believe it? :eek: Never marry because you think your kids need a Dad... :rolleyes:

I have went from thinking having a relationship with a man is the most important thing in the world to... not wanting one at all. I love my independence. I love going to bed when I want to. I love spending my money the way I want. I even love my THOUGHTS now! :p

If I move to Dallas (if if if), and my x is still there and AVAILABLE, I will be happy to see and spend time with him. BUT............... Not at the expense of my independence.

Kittylane, I love hearing about you and Adam - you two are one of the cutest couples!

I swing back and forth between regretting past relationships, decisions etc and being grateful for what I've learned. Sometimes I feel really jaded and as if something has wilted or died inside me. I wish I still had that openness and feeling that love can conquer anything that I had before things turned sour in my first long-term relationship. I'm still paying (financially and emotionally) for decisions I made, or things I allowed to happen - and yes I wish they had been different. But, also I realize that maybe I had to learn these things - this is just my path in life.

I wouldn't change anything. I believe everything happens for a reason.

My skin would not be as thick as it is today if all of my past relationships where "roses and bubbles". I also would not appreciate the wonderful relationship I have now as much if I did not know what heartbreak felt like. :)

These are my sentiments exactly. Looking back in hindsight on my past relationships, I can learn from those experiences to better shape my future. But, by having a crystal ball to predict my future, I would think I'd be more likely to live less freely. It would be much more difficult knowing that it was going to end, and waiting for it to happen, that I'd live my life on edge anticipating the ending, instead of opening my heart and living life to its fullest in the here and now.

Before moving to France I was living with my boyfriend in Beirut. He was a bit younger than me, a theatre student and a writer. I had a great job at the time so I totally supported him financially and allowed him to finish his studies and do creative writing.

Then when I moved to Paris, I fell in love and married a very rich and generous man. He treated me like a princess. I had a cleaning lady, his credit card in my pocket, 5 star hotels when we travelled, but I was not a housewife. I used to work on my photo essays, travel a lot but whatever I got published only covered the travelling, film and processing costs. So I was totally dependent on him financially. I was only 25 and believed that I would stay with that man forever.

Then I left him and met my second husband. I became pregnant almost instantly and by the time my son reached the age to go to school I found myself totally disqualified for any 9-5 job. My second husband was greedy and he made me feel guilty for each penny I spent. When my son was 4, I left him, without a penny, goodbye photo career, goodbye comfort, went through REAL HELL, worked any stupid job for the minimum wage until I finally started to work on the prject that I'm currently working on.

I am independent again, not gaining much but with some perspective of making a better living and doing some gratifying work related to my initial career.

I will never again allow myself to be dependent on someone financially.

As for considering new relationships, I don't make illusions either. I love beginnings and I hate endings, like everyone I suppose. I still don't see anything in "forever" terms especially with younger men. I would like to have the force to enjoy relationships as they come and for as long as they last.

I do think of old age, but I have so many friends and that's reassuring already. Who knows, I might even meet a "forever" companion when I'm in my 60-s, if not, I'll just retire somewhere with a group of friends in the countryside. We've already discussed this possibility with some close friends, but why think about it now? I might die before and I would like to. I don't see myself getting old especiallly unhealthy and dependent. I don't want to be a burden on my son either. Scary, I don't like it :(

It's funny. I've sometimes thought that if I could only see into the future that this would somehow help me to make better choice. But I came to realize that the only "crystal ball" I get is hindsight, and if I don't make better choices based on what I've already been through no amount of forecasting is going to make a difference.

would you still choose to have children? NO

Thats must be hard, greeneyed girl. I sometimes imagine that almost every woman who has a child does it, in part, for her man, and also with the belief that the marriage will last. Women who have children thesedays are so courageous.


i guess a lil explanation is needed, lol.

while i would rip the pope's face off to protect those babies, cause they are MY babies and i am SO their mommy......i can't tell you guys the number of times i've cried over having brought those precious souls into this world......with the father i chose for them.

it's a burden they won't even feel the full weight of until they are older and realize what type of creature he is.

and given the opportunity to KNOW that i would be doing that to my "in the future" babies......i'd of rather been barren.

lol, i'm crying now just talking about what i try to keep on "ignore"..... that i chose a horrid man for my children to have to call father.

and i'll never be able to make it up to them. :(

Maybe you made a wrong choice by picking the wrong man to be the father of your kids but I'm sure you're a great mum and that will make up for having a ''bad'' father.

I know my mum did for my sister and me!

Maybe you made a wrong choice by picking the wrong man to be the father of your kids but I'm sure you're a great mum and that will make up for having a ''bad'' father.

I know my mum did for my sister and me!


while i know that i can counter some of it because i had an awesome mom whom i now know did it for me, i see now that she was my saving grace, i have a real jerk for a dad. and the emotional abuse alone has screwed me up and i realize that.

my ex is just a lil more subtle about it than my father. it's all about money and appearances with the ex.

*the possibility of experiencing old age alone, would you behave differently in your relationships? I dont think so

*I mean would your organise you life so that you could better cope with relationship endings, such as making sure you were financially capable of moving on when the relationship ended?yes
*Would you invest more time into your community of family & friends seperate from your partner and his/her friends?maybe more time making more friends but not necessarily seperate from my partner
* Would you be more inclined to live apart than together (to prevent the risk of having your property taken from you when the relationship ends)? no

*Are there secrets you would keep? no
*Would you still choose to have children? yes

lol, i'm crying now just talking about what i try to keep on "ignore"..... that i chose a horrid man for my children to have to call father.
and i'll never be able to make it up to them

He sound horrible Greeneyedgirl; I think i remember you sayign soemwhere that he is NPD? I've heard they can be the worst ever joint custodians of children...they play tons of game. Anyway I'm sorry for how painful this is for you. I think the other's are right...they have at least have a great mum who gave them the gift of life!

Lately, I think I'd rather be alone than risk the chance of another broken heart. At 52, I'm not sure how many more of those I can survive. But love is so wonderful and being alone all the time isn't fun. So risks have to be taken. I'm just not sure how willing I am to take a chance anymore.

Oh trish...hugs:) It always seems a bit like that in between partners, don't you think? And then someone special comes along and you find yourself involved yet again:)
ps. I really love your new avatar! So pretty! I love that colour red hair.

1. making sure you were financially capable of moving on when the relationship ended? YES (And I have done that, all of our financials are separate except the house)
2. Would you invest more time into your community of family & friends seperate from your partner and his/her friends? YES, YES--a thousand times YES.
3. Would you be more inclined to live apart than together (to prevent the risk of having your property taken from you when the relationship ends)? No, not necessarily.
4. Are there secrets you would keep? NO, but I would be more careful in how I reveal them.
5. Would you still choose to have children? NO. But I must add that my daughter(from an earlier marriage) has brought me joy, maturity, and depth that I would not have experienced otherwise. My "NO" reflects only concern for HER feelings. It does complicate situations when innocent children are involved. In my present situation, I have worried about how it will affect her if my partner and I do end up splitting up. Will she think I'm a fool? Will she think all men are creeps? (Her dad and I ended bitterly and she is aware of all that. ) I finally decided that I'm just going to explain to her that love is gamble and people and relationships keep evolving, that her step-dad and I have tried to work out the things we were lacking, but sometimes the best thing is to move on. While I hope she finds the love of her life and lives happily ever after, she may not. Chances are she will go through at least a few relationships and broken hearts. And the most important thing I can give her is to see me go through this with dignity and grace and go on living life successfully and finding happiness--even if its not with my current partner. (Sigh! Easier said than done, pray for me!)
6.the possibility of experiencing old age alone, would you behave differently in your relationships? Not sure I understand the question, but am I scared of being on my own--YES, but do I think it will destroy me? NO. And I must admit, I AM tired of picking up after and taking care of other people. I WOULD like to concentrate on myself for a change. Am I afraid of trusting again, of another broken heart? Petrified. But, who knows...I'll just have to wait and see how I feel a year from now.

These are my sentiments exactly. Looking back in hindsight on my past relationships, I can learn from those experiences to better shape my future. But, by having a crystal ball to predict my future, I would think I'd be more likely to live less freely. It would be much more difficult knowing that it was going to end, and waiting for it to happen, that I'd live my life on edge anticipating the ending, instead of opening my heart and living life to its fullest in the here and now.

You know thinking about that, *points up* if we actually knew what was going to happen, would we even be able to live our lives the same? I mean, like you said, knowing a relationship was going to end, would we have even stayed in it? I think if we knew the future, we would change it, even if we didn't mean to. I am happier not knowing what is in store, makes life more interesting. :)

I made sure my future was set when I finally agreed to marry my ym. We live off only our two salaries with all of my "investments" safely tucked away. I wanted to make sure that I would be fully capable of taking care of myself should he decide to split this gig. I also have my will set up so that my son is my major beneficiary -- my husband can take care of himself and will have our personal properties -- home, cars, etc. He'll be fine. I have always been the type to "plan ahead" and I think it is doubly wise when one is involved with someone younger. I'd be fine both financially and emotionally. I would not change a damn thing. :p

i guess a lil explanation is needed, lol.

while i would rip the pope's face off to protect those babies, cause they are MY babies and i am SO their mommy......i can't tell you guys the number of times i've cried over having brought those precious souls into this world......with the father i chose for them.

it's a burden they won't even feel the full weight of until they are older and realize what type of creature he is.

and given the opportunity to KNOW that i would be doing that to my "in the future" babies......i'd of rather been barren.

lol, i'm crying now just talking about what i try to keep on "ignore"..... that i chose a horrid man for my children to have to call father.

and i'll never be able to make it up to them. :(

Don't cry Tracy darling, I feel the same way, my baby's father is a nut case. But children are stronger than we know. Sometimes parents are just names. I grew up with a mum who was just a name and my father was my prince. You'll always be your babies' queen.

Trish, If I have my heart broken just one more time, I'm going to go on a wild rampage as a graffiti artist, learn `world of warrcraft 3', and I'm locking myself up away from real people for ever. I'll make myself an avatar soemthing liek tank girl and kill all the bad guys forever in cyber land:)

You have a much better attitude BTW:)

To answer your questions:

"I mean would your organise you life so that you could better cope with relationship endings, such as making sure you were financially capable of moving on when the relationship ended?"


Yep. I pretty much try to do that anyway, but it would seem even more important.

Would you invest more time into your community of family & friends seperate from your partner and his/her friends?


Not separate from my partner, but I probably would not spend a lot of energy on his family and friends under such a structure. I'd divide it between my partner himself (who I would want to spend time with given our inherent time limit) and my own friends and community. His friends would not be of significant importance.

Would you be more inclined to live apart than together (to prevent the risk of having your property taken from you when the relationship ends)?


Nope. I'm not that concerned about property and I would want the time together.

Are there secrets you would keep?


No

Would you still choose to have children?


No, I wouldn't.

i think that its so hard to find someone with remarkable character. i settled and i know it in my past. i looked "past" their misgivings and really should have been staring at them with a microscope.

here is the deal, i dont want to hurt anyone, i dont want to cheat on my partner, i dont want to put other men before my partner as a object of fantasy or desire, i want to be a safe place for him to turn and a safe place for me to to go. i want to be 100 honest with my finances and include him in everything i do and i want the same reciprocal.

it took me 40 years to know what i want. i dont want a perfect person, i want a person who is cabable of giving me the love that i deserve and i dont want anything else.

sometimes i lay in bed and shudder from where i came. GOD bless my sweet darling adam and GOD please keep him safe, i so treasure this person. I have fear today because of where he is at and is still deployed in this war. Today, i am scared...... he is gonna call me later tonight when he is home safe.

Hugs to you kittylane....Adam will be ok; you'll see:) Its so wonderful to hear how well your life has turned out after your big struggles. I hope you sleep well tonight!