y/m talking about old girlfriends?

my y/m brings up his ex's frequently
and if we are out and he sees them. he stares at them but he tells me
he is only trying to joke around with me. i think he wants to get a reaction out of me.
I am writing this down and starting to feel like an idiot because probably
everyone is saying, duh, he's only 24.
but then when we are home he is wonderful, helps around the house is so sweet and so responsible.
it's like he turns into a different person when we go somewhere.
when we go out, i have to say that i always run into a lot of people that
i know because i bartend on the weekends, but never ex boyfriends.
maybe he is reacting to that?
i don't know.
he doesn't usually seem that jealous.
thanks for listening.

my y/m brings up his ex's frequently
and if we are out and he sees them. he stares at them but he tells me
he is only trying to joke around with me. i think he wants to get a reaction out of me.
I am writing this down and starting to feel like an idiot because probably
everyone is saying, duh, he's only 24.
but then when we are home he is wonderful, helps around the house is so sweet and so responsible.
it's like he turns into a different person when we go somewhere.
when we go out, i have to say that i always run into a lot of people that
i know because i bartend on the weekends, but never ex boyfriends.
maybe he is reacting to that?
i don't know.
he doesn't usually seem that jealous.
thanks for listening.

Maybe he's trying to make his ex-girlfriends jealous by getting their attention while he's with you?

Anyhow, it's not normal to obsess over past relationships while in a current one and it's tacky to stare at other women whether he dated them or not. It seems that he just hasn't really matured in that social area.

I'm sorry but he sounds a bit immature. I think if my bf were pointing out girls he had been with or bringing them up all the time I would be pissed.

I'm sorry but he sounds a bit immature. I think if my bf were pointing out girls he had been with or bringing them up all the time I would be pissed.

*agreed* I'd be pissed too - besides, the past should stay in the past and the focus of actions and reactions should reflect on the future

Yup. My thing is this, if your SO is doing something that is hurtful to you, they know they are hurting you and there is no reason for them to continue what they are doing....

Well I guess you get my point. When you truly love someone you are willing to change behaviors that are hurtful to them. What he is doing is of no real benifit to him and it causes you anguish. I would tell him how much it bothers you and ask him to stop. Plain and simple, no beating around the bush or making a huge discussion about it. If he continues then you know that his "ego" is more important then your feelings = he is an idiot.. If he stops, or at least corrects himself when he slips, you know that your emotions are important to him.

Have you talked to him about how this bothers you?

thanks charlotte for the reply.
i think he is probably trying to get both of us jealous.
who knows.
i am totally discouraged and everyting was so good for months.
oh well...

Maybe he's trying to make his ex-girlfriends jealous by getting their attention while he's with you?

Anyhow, it's not normal to obsess over past relationships while in a current one and it's tacky to stare at other women whether he dated them or not. It seems that he just hasn't really matured in that social area.

Hi LemonLime

I broke up with him one time over it, didn't talk to him for days and he came back crying saying he was sorry and that he needs to grow up.
then we went out to eat a second time and he said when we pulled up to the parking lot that we probably don't want to eat here either because one of his ex's works there also and we were already with my friend and my son so we went in and he was stretching his neck looking all over for "exes" I presume. then he started looking at one of the waitresses to the point that my son and my friend noticed but he said he was only kidding.
I flipped out again, didn't talk to him again and he came back crying for another chance. that's where we are at now. nothing has happened again but i am just disgusted. and i really dug him for a while. i had so many high hopes for him.


Yup. My thing is this, if your SO is doing something that is hurtful to you, they know they are hurting you and there is no reason for them to continue what they are doing....

Well I guess you get my point. When you truly love someone you are willing to change behaviors that are hurtful to them. What he is doing is of no real benifit to him and it causes you anguish. I would tell him how much it bothers you and ask him to stop. Plain and simple, no beating around the bush or making a huge discussion about it. If he continues then you know that his "ego" is more important then your feelings = he is an idiot.. If he stops, or at least corrects himself when he slips, you know that your emotions are important to him.

Have you talked to him about how this bothers you?

He may not want to be seen with you because he's working his ex's for jealousy and getting back together. Or he may miss her. Or he may be a psycho who is trying to bully and intimidate an ex. My guess is the last one. I doubt staring at an ex is a good thing here. I would confront him about his behaviors now. Don't let ym get away with anything in this situation. You may save your life.

Hi LemonLime

I broke up with him one time over it, didn't talk to him for days and he came back crying saying he was sorry and that he needs to grow up.
then we went out to eat a second time and he said when we pulled up to the parking lot that we probably don't want to eat here either because one of his ex's works there also and we were already with my friend and my son so we went in and he was stretching his neck looking all over for "exes" I presume. then he started looking at one of the waitresses to the point that my son and my friend noticed but he said he was only kidding.
I flipped out again, didn't talk to him again and he came back crying for another chance. that's where we are at now. nothing has happened again but i am just disgusted. and i really dug him for a while. i had so many high hopes for him.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I am not a big enthusiast of "pity parties" though so will say this:

You are in a situation that you have tried to fix, you can not fix and is making you miserable. You need to make the choice to either stay and be miserable or end the situation and work on making yourself happier.

It really doesn't sound like he is planning to change. There seems to be a "throw her a carrot and she will put up with anything I dish out" syndrome happening here... I say, tell him to shove the carrot up his rear and move on!

oh man, does it sound like I am on a pity party?
i didn't mean to come off that way. it's just things started out so well and he seems so mature in other ways and it just made me so sad to realize he wouldn't think twice about hurting me.
I won't keep going on because I already explained.
thanks for the advice.


I'm sorry you are going through this. I am not a big enthusiast of "pity parties" though so will say this:

You are in a situation that you have tried to fix, you can not fix and is making you miserable. You need to make the choice to either stay and be miserable or end the situation and work on making yourself happier.

It really doesn't sound like he is planning to change. There seems to be a "throw her a carrot and she will put up with anything I dish out" syndrome happening here... I say, tell him to shove the carrot up his rear and move on!

No you don't.

I just think that it would be better to give useful advice then for me to sit here and say, poor you etc. I like to see people get out of bad situations, not find reasons to stay in them.

We are all worth sooo much more than we often give ourselves credit for. You don't deserve that and I doubt he would like it if you did that to him.

Sounds like he's trying to make you jealous - could it be his insecurity or just being a 24 year old male?

Have you tried ignoring it? Apart from breaking up with him that time, how have you been reacting?










BTW. LemonLime - you rock. I find myself nodding at all your posts!

Sounds like he's trying to make you jealous - could it be his insecurity or just being a 24 year old male?

Have you tried ignoring it? Apart from breaking up with him that time, how have you been reacting?


I agree he may be trying to make her jealous. Is that something you do to someone you truly love though? I guess it is possible that he is so insecure with himself that he needs to "stroke his own ego" but at the cost of hurting her? Sorry buddy, not today!

As for the age thing, I tire of hearing that. My bf is 19, 5 years younger, and I can't see him doing that to me. I have met 40 year olds that do crap like this and I don't think age should be an excuse.

I have heard people say, "you have to expect that from a guy that young". Why do we have to expect that? Aren't we in a relationship because the person we are with lifts us to a higher level and we feel good when we are with them? If you find yourself having to make the excuse, "Maybe it is just his age" for your bf... Maybe you should just find a new bf... :)

Japan
I think that you probably hit it on the head because he does love to have his ego stroked and I am SO not that kind of person, especially with someone who appears to be doing enough of a ego boosting on their own.
He's like two different people because soemtimes I see him as being so insecure and sometimes as being overly secure.
I am pretty sure this relationship is not going to work out and it makes me very sad but better to find out now than later. the bad thing is that we are living together already and it's giong to be a big pain in the *** now. especially because he gets really upset when i talk about ending it. i hate hurting people's feelings but it seems he doesn't give a crap about mine right...

and thanks LemonLime for listening also.
this website is a godsend...

Sounds like he's trying to make you jealous - could it be his insecurity or just being a 24 year old male?

Have you tried ignoring it? Apart from breaking up with him that time, how have you been reacting?










BTW. LemonLime - you rock. I find myself nodding at all your posts!

It sounds like you are really trying to work through this. It is very difficult when we have tough choices to make. I hope the best for you with this one!

btw, despite my signature, I do not like hurting others either but,

I especially don't like hurting myself ;)

Do you think he REALLY wants to change? Is there anything else that bothers you about him or is this the only thing? Does he frequently talk before really thinking about what he is going to say? If he does this in social situations, and he feels anxiety, he may just need some behavior modification therapy to overcome it.

But if there is more bothering you, then... yes.. it will be tough, but time to move on. Good luck!

I agree he may be trying to make her jealous. Is that something you do to someone you truly love though?

Heck no, I'd never do it. I would never go out of my way to point out anything from my past - I try to avoid all of anything that has to do with anyone from my past relationships even though the guy I was with would bring them up to me constantly making feel bad about the past that I have and making himself sad and hating me at the same time =(

Hi YellowRose
He really does want to change because he is devastated when I tell him no more.
there is absolutely nothing else about him that bothers me, that is the problem.
and he definitely says stupid crap before thinking and it is almost always in social situations.

I jsut talked to him about everything again last night and he told me the problem is that he is super jealous. that someone was looking at me. and the other time someone had come up and said hello and kissed me on the cheek.
he got hurt, that's how he reacted.
i never suspected it was that.
he didn't want to tell me because i had complained about having that problem with an ex boyfriend, that i don't want to go through that again.
He said he didn't want to be like everyone else.
and that he has never felt that kind of jealousy ever in his life.
thanks for everyones replies.
all you guys are so helpful...


Do you think he REALLY wants to change? Is there anything else that bothers you about him or is this the only thing? Does he frequently talk before really thinking about what he is going to say? If he does this in social situations, and he feels anxiety, he may just need some behavior modification therapy to overcome it.

But if there is more bothering you, then... yes.. it will be tough, but time to move on. Good luck!

one more thing yellow rose.
always when he does this, he is anxious because his leg starts to move up and down so fast that it makes me dizzy...


Do you think he REALLY wants to change? Is there anything else that bothers you about him or is this the only thing? Does he frequently talk before really thinking about what he is going to say? If he does this in social situations, and he feels anxiety, he may just need some behavior modification therapy to overcome it.

But if there is more bothering you, then... yes.. it will be tough, but time to move on. Good luck!