A complicated 30 yr YM

I am a 50 yr old OW who has been "friends" with a very attractive, well-educated, smart and iconoclastic YM for 2 years plus. The quotation marks are because he has kissed me once, embraced me passionately, but nothing further. Though I've asked (early on) if it were possible for "something more" between us (his answer: I'm not ready to be in a relationship right now), and tried to be just a friend, it's become increasingly difficult for me.

He has said it takes him a long time to feel comfortable with someone and he has generalized anxiety disorder (he has Xanax available just in case of a panic attack). He recently moved away. He has encouraged to move to a nearby city, saying he has a "vested interest" in seeing me there, but doesn't want to push it.

Recently he returned to wrap up some loose ends. We spent some time together. He had said on the phone that he missed the sound of my voice, as well as me and the close connection we have. He gave me a very intense look when he left.

I met him through his mother. I've met his father. He comes from a slightly eccentric family. They seem to like me a lot.

I've been in turns very emotional and very patient. I'm not sure what is going on between us. Is there any hope? Advice?

At 30, he is old enough to move the relationship into a romantic one if that is what he wants. It seems like he is happy with just a friendship. There are some guys who do this intense "eye contact" and hugs thing. I wouldn't stake my happiness on it.

While he might be good friendship material, he obviously isn't wanting romance. Does he date women? Are you sure he isn't gay?

During the entire time I've known him, as far as I know, he's not dated anyone. His ex-girlfriend from college and he got together a few times (she lives 3 hours away) last fall but he said they couldn't be just friends so he's not in touch with her. He has not had any other relationship during the time i've known him. Or been in a relationship since his college one ended three years ago (he was held back two years in elementary school b/c of dyslexia).

I'm sure he's not gay. I have very good gaydar and I've seen the way he looks at women occasionally. He's even given me some slightly furtive appraising looks.

We are on the same wavelength intellectually, imaginatively, etc and have similar values, tastes, and interests.

He is a very guarded person until he gets to know someone over time. Even then, although he is spontaneous and funny, he describes himself as rigid and has said that the more flexible person has to take the risks in a relationship. I'm sometimes far too flexible.

It does sound like he's not into a romantic thing with me. However, he's deeply attached somehow and I'd like to think missing me might make a difference. I hate to lose the closeness (I have no living family) but I don't know how to cope with my disappointment, whether it stays on this level or I bring up wanting something more and I am again declined. I feel like getting this out in the open with him, but I wonder if I've already been clear enough. I don't know if I can go on just being friends.

Sorry to say, but I think you should move on. People like this are just frustrating, they have so much baggage that goes so deep, they fear relationships so much, that no matter how much they like someone, they won't satisfy. Doesn't seem to cross their minds that others' time is wasted waiting for them, they can go on like this for years.

Find yourself a guy who can say Yes to you instead of this lame lukewarm thing. Even if you end up getting him further toward your goal, he won't be worth it, because he will feel a need to get off that train and go back to the fantasy level - because "maybe" is what he's most comfortable in and will seek it. These kinds of people need major emotional overhaul and until and unless that happens, this pattern will persist no matter who else is on the other end of his glances.

Best wishes.

I understand your emotional attachment. I guarantee you this guy is never going to move forward to anything beyond a friendship.

If that's what you want with him, great. If you want more, I agree with Goldie, move on. He not only has baggage, he has a warehouse of Samsonite! People like this are SO much work, you wouldn't want to be in an intimate relationship even if it was a potential/possibility.

I think I would explore WHY you are so enmeshed with this guy. It's really more about you than him. Why are you willing to wait/put up with/live with the lack that this relationship has, or more accurately, doesn't have. This is a great opportunity to find that out, and then move forward towards what you DO want.

I read both of your posts intently and decided to send this following email, which I hope is a classy way of removing myself from the roller coaster of disappointment.

Thanks for your advice.



Dear X,

I thought I'd stop by on my way South to see you and talk about a few things I didn't get to last weekend. I've decided not to. You may think I say too much sometimes, anyway. It was nice feeling that you see me, at times. I value your opinions, your ethics and your wit.

"Shopgirl" has been in my thoughts a lot. Think I'll try lower intensity--perhaps it will work better for me.

Health, prosperity, and happiness for both of us, I pray.