need advice from larger age gap people

I need some advice on how do deal with doubts about my ym and I. Last night my 32 yr. old ym surprised me with shaving off his beard and mustache. He looked so young that it put me in a tails spin. It was the 1st time I felt too old to be with him. I started dwelling on thoughts like " Oh no, when I am 70 he will be 48" and the thoughts escalated from there. We have been getting along great until this moment. He is worried now that I will end our relationship. We have no issues with children as he never has wanted them. He is totally comfortable with our age difference. My question to you longer term large age gap couples is how do you deal with these fears ? I am sure everyone has to deal with this at some point. Help , I need some focus?

Honestly, I think your making a bigger deal out of this than it is. He's still the same guy, minus the facial hair. You need to look into the mirror and see how beautiful and young you are. Yes you are young! You two deserve each other. The age gap means nothing. You just let your insecurities get the best of you, which happens to us all. Feel proud and keep up with the positive self-talk. When out with your YM walk with your head held high!! Besides, women typically live longer than men, so it's great to have a YM.

I look like I'm 16. I get mistaken for being really young all of the time. No problem here. MY OM looks his age, balding, gray hair, and a few wrinkles. When we are together, heads turn because you can totally notice the age difference. Some may wonder if our relationship is even legal! Haha. So just laugh it off, that's what we do.

Hope this helped!
~Mary Ann

Your post made me laugh (not because it's funny, but because I get it so completely).

When E and I started dating (well, truth to be told, we started sleeping together and THEN we started dating) - he was 19 and I was 35. Totally blond, sweet and baby-faced to look at, although actually he is rather on the nihilist side in terms of what he actually says and does and believes. But he does not look like what he is.

Two months into the relationship (one month before the "I love you's") he quietly grew a moustache and goatee. We had people guess our ages before and after the goatee and it generally added at least 4 years to people's estimate of him (and I usually dropped a few years, so we ended up more in the range of 5-7 years apart than the 16 years we actually are).

Just last month, he shaved off the goatee and mustache for a Halloween costume, and while he's 25 now and doesn't look quite as baby-faced, I still found myself feeling increasigly neurotic while he deliberated whether or not to grow it back. Somehow it's "my goatee" and I feel nervous that it wouldn't be there anymore.

And yes, there is no objective link between facial hair and committment :p

It seems like he is growing it back, but I don't have a firm promise yet.

LMAO........thanks..yes.. I think maybe he DID shave off 'my' goatee...LOL

Even though I can't truly relate to your gap, I just felt like saying that the two of you look like a very, very sexy couple. :)

Although the same thing happened to me a month after David and I broke up, when he came back to school. He was newly shaven and wearing, of all things, a baseball cap! (I think this may have been the influence of his new gf.) I was horrified to see how young he looked without his beard. I would have had many doubts about going out with him ever if he hadn't looked more mature. After all, when a guy looks 16, (he was 22 when I met him and 23 when we broke it off) he's not attractive to me! And when I saw him somewhere inside I was saying to myself, oh my god, just who have I been dating? And why did I go out with a kid? I would not date a vym again, ever. There is just nothing in it for me. My opinion only, for what it's worth.

Ali

Hey, I completely understand where you are coming from. We have a 23 year age gap and not often, but every now and then, my YM says something that reminds me completely of how great our gap is. It might be something like laughing over some prank he saw on Punk'd or JackAss and I am thinking "huh?" Then my head does this spin I am thinking how can this possibly last? When he hits 30, I'll be 53. We have hashed this through soooo many times its starting to become forbidden territory! (Because as with your YM he becomes afraid that I will leave.)He is absolutely convinced that I am the right person for him. I am absolutely convinced that despite his wonderful intentions he has not really ingested all the negatives.

Right now we are focusing on how to deal with the 1200 mile gap in geography because we want the chance to have some sort of life together. I am trying to bury those worries and just enjoy the best person I have ever had in my life!

hey its our reality. they are younger, my husband is 25 and i am 46. my advise is look at how gorgeous he is, realize that maybe there are times he cant get over how smart or elegant you are and that came with your age.

sure there are panic moments. this was just one of them. now, make a new memory of love or romance and remind yourself why you are with this guy.

its not cause of the 22 year age gap, its because you love him. really simple, this does work and i am proof of it.

sure there are panic moments. this was just one of them. now, make a new memory of love or romance and remind yourself why you are with this guy.

The guy I "was" with was perfectly fine with our age at first and I was the one that was cautious about it. He asked me to drop my doubtful thoughts on it one night after a long discussion and I did and never thought about it again and started to think about why I wanted to be with him. The person that he is deep down and how lucky and blessed I was to have him in my life in such a way that he would not leave another in. I enjoyed all of this - made me feel so special.

A few months passed and school started for the year. He completely turned face on me and decided I was too old - he to this day keeps throwing my age in my face telling me that he regrets everything and making me feel so bad about my age and I'm sorry I'm rambling ((me thinks me needs sleep and a good cry))

P.S. I quoted Kittylane for emphasis on her statement there - focus on that because that's what is most important

My man did the same thing. Scared me half to death. I think I suddenly realised just how big an age gap there is. I got over it and so will you. My YM looks gorgeous no matter what. he will always look younger than me because he is. So what. I'm over it. :)

i am sorry for the guys who switched gears...

not all guys cut and run, not all guys wake up and say "wow, you really are OLD".

Adam and I are living proof, i hope we continue to be.

BUT! i still have my days, actually they are more like very brief moments. when i tell adam after all these years i have an insecurity he puts my mind at ease, sometimes he asks why i have stayed with him thru all these years and worries because of the fact he is currently deployed and i tell him the truth.

the truth is that he RUINED me for anyone else, so for me there is no one else, he stole my answer and uses it on me now, he says the same thing....

if you guys are both in love then this is just normal little insecurities, no one goes thru life 100% secure all the time and you just have to put this into perspective.

wow deja vu!

I'm 50, he's 28--same age gap. when i met him he had the goatee and i guessed him to be in his mid-30's--i was 48 at the time--so i wasn't too bothered.....

but, when he shaves it off - OUCH! He looks a lot younger. I've got him growing a really long one right now (want to see if it will grow long enough that we can braid it)-and i've told him he looks more like a 'bad boy' with it (well, he does).....

too bad there isn't something that women can do so easily to look 10 years younger

I could echo others sentiments here. remember the velveteen rabbit. his boy loved all his fur off, all his eyes off, and the rabbit just looked more and more beautiful to the boy because the boy saw the rabbit through the eyes of love

hi :o) my bf is 18yrs younger (i'm 40) i suggested he shave and he looks OLDER ...since his goatee and facial hair wasnt so thick he looked like he was TRYING to look older .... as far as those gnawing fears? if you watch Highlander movie conner (an immortal) loves his wife til she dies and he never ages and he loved her to peices! ( i know i know it s just a movie ;o) but i always keep that in mind ) if my ym wants someone younger, sweeter, richer or any other "er" fine with me ( oh i'll surely boo hoo my eyeballs out BUT......) i tend to date ym and only had one break up with me due to an age difference (16yrs) and thank goodness he did since he wound up going to jail for assault

LOL! Take a look at my bf below. That's about all of the facial hair he can grow! I KNOW he'd look about 16 without it. He slipped with the razor the other day and threatened to shave off "MY" goatee, but didn't. At least his glasses make him look a bit older.

When he puts on an untucked button-down, baggy jeans and a bead choker, he looks SOOOO young that I can't help but freak a little. And yes, occasional refrences to "Punk'd" and video games and Eminem are a jolt.

But, day-to-day I really forget how old he is. He's my anchor. My link to continued sanity in my currently F'd up world. Yet, he seems more fearful of losing me than I of him.

I think that mutual fear is what keeps us going so strong sometimes! LOL!

I can relate to the shaving thing too. I would be kinda sad if my bf shaved his off. I kind of have a thing for facial hair though. I'm not sure how much of it is that and how much is the fact that he will look younger if he shaves it off.

Hmmm, actually he is just plain hot with it! That is why he has to keep my beard! lol

And whats wrong with Punk'd or Eminem? :( :( :(

Nothing. Just not stuff most 38 year old women are into, but very 20-something guy stuff. Same with his video games.

Actually, I like Eminem. I was just making a point.

klahaniegal...
First, I admit to having all the same insecure thoughts as you do..and I too wish the "long-termers" (5+ years with large age gaps) would chime in here.

My ym and I have a 22+ age gap (I'm 49). Whenever I do that lame math game in my head, "when he's only 38, I'll be 60 !*", I remind myself of the beautiful, vibrant women I know who are 60+....not just the obvious celebrities (Raquel Welch, Sophia Loren, Diane Sawyer, etc.), but ladies IRL that I admire who take care of themselves and have everyone guessing they are about 15 years younger.

I think it's all about not "letting ourselves go"....EVER...physically, mentally, spiritually. I intend to keep learning, looking my best, staying as fit as possible, living with compassion for others, etc. until I DIE!!

YOU are gorgeous...from your picture, I always figured you were about 40-45....I don't think you have a problem now, or in the future. Believe your sweetie...he loves you for THE WHOLE PACKAGE, not just your looks.\
Enjoy, and stop stressing....and, please remind me of the same things when I need to get "slapped upside the head" for the same destructive thought process :D

Best,
Karen

P.S. I crack up at Punk'd and Jackass....although Jackass does go a little bit far at times, crude/nasty wise....eminem: message in his music is too negative for my taste :(

T :) hanks for your letters as they did indeed help. One good thing about the clean shaven face thing , it did bring up a weekend of good dialogue about this ageing thing a lot of us women feel. I showed him your replies and he was relieved to know it isnt just me who goes thru these feelings.. He did a really good job of assuring me of his love and committment to our relationship. I think i 'got it' for now and will relax . Not to say these thoughts wont come up now and again..but one day at a time for now. You are all the Best support network and i really appreciate all your input.

I had a really hard time convincing myself that my ym (I'm 43 and he's 25) really wants me. He's very handsome and really could have any woman closer to his age. I have thought of every reason NOT to date him and he simply won't accept them. I even tried making it clear to him that I'm not a sugar mama and that when I retire in 10 years I'm moving to Austin, TX, and everything else that would push him away. None of it worked. I haven't dated a man since my last husband that was +/- 5 years difference and they all ended being jerks. So, I've become a believer that the younger the better, and all the younger women can wonder to themselves 'how did she do it?' BTW, we're going to the Aerosmith concert for his birthday in January, and we are both more excited than a kid at Xmas. :D