Have I lost my mind?

I have been happily married for 15 years and have 2 kids 10 & 12. I have never had an interest in anyone else intil a met Dick. He is 19 and I am 36 he works for my husband and I feel like there is an attraction there. I often think about sex with him.
I am not looking for a relationship, just sex and friendship. I would consider myself to be attractive to younger men but they have never interested me. I find myself thinking about this everytime I am around him and it is making me crazy. I don't want to loose what I have with my husband but I have never wanted anyone as bad as I have been wanting him.

any advice, or suggestions??

Jane,

Resolution is an important thing whether you are a man or woman. Just fight it for few months and you will overcome this temptation. If not then heart wants what it wants.

I have been happily married for 15 years and have 2 kids 10 & 12. I have never had an interest in anyone else intil a met Dick. He is 19 and I am 36 he works for my husband and I feel like there is an attraction there. I often think about sex with him.
I am not looking for a relationship, just sex and friendship. I would consider myself to be attractive to younger men but they have never interested me. I find myself thinking about this everytime I am around him and it is making me crazy. I don't want to loose what I have with my husband but I have never wanted anyone as bad as I have been wanting him.

any advice, or suggestions??


Your happily married with two kids and you want to have sex with a 19 year old that works for your husband. Yeah I see that working out real well for you and everyone else. My advice, grow-up and stop lusting after something you can't have. :rolleyes:

Pita,

That was rude. She needs support not attack.

Fine women causes me to respond similiar. I haven't lost my mind, art is to be appreciated. Everyone knows it, however men seem to consume it as life. I too have family.

Pita,

That was rude. She needs support not attack.


Ok Flanker, I will concede that to you that I might have been rude. But, exactly what sort of support are you suggesting we give Jane? She asked for advice and suggestions. I think I gave the best advice there is to give. Should we tell her to go for it but make sure she covers her tracks really well? And to squash down that guilt she might feel once she realizes that she cheated on her husband whom she said she doesn't want to lose and is happily married too?

Jane you are obsessing on this young man. You really have to think about all the consequences that may occur before indulging in your desire.

Pita,

I never said that her first option should be to give into the temptation. On the contrary, I suggested she should fight it.

I have been happily married for 15 years and have 2 kids 10 & 12. I have never had an interest in anyone else intil a met Dick. He is 19 and I am 36 he works for my husband and I feel like there is an attraction there. I often think about sex with him.
I am not looking for a relationship, just sex and friendship. I would consider myself to be attractive to younger men but they have never interested me. I find myself thinking about this everytime I am around him and it is making me crazy. I don't want to loose what I have with my husband but I have never wanted anyone as bad as I have been wanting him.

any advice, or suggestions??
Just be glad that you aren't a man, otherwise you would be getting a royal flaming from our Ageless Love ladies in this thread. :D I agree with what Flanker said; you have to resolve this one way or another. I don't condone cheating, but you have to do what you have to do. Have you discussed having an open marriage with your husband, or would that be something he would never even consider? If you go for this guy, then please take precautions to make sure the husband doesn't find out, otherwise you could destroy your marriage and divide the family.

C'mon Mark, the right women haven't gotten here yet! She just may get flamed yet. . .Flanker, babe, it's like this. . .every so often we get these types of posts that turn out to be trolls. They want to raise some sort of response or they want their behavior validated. We don't validate cheating. It's one thing to be leaving a marriage and going through the divorce process, it's entirely another to be 'happily married' and looking to bag a younger guy. If somebody is happily married they're not going to be looking in the first place. . .in any event, she's asking somebody to validate her desire to cheat, if she's not a troll, and I'm sure there's more than one woman around here, besided Pita and myself, that will point that out to her.

I think you should go to counselling. If you are not satisfied with your husband you have to work on that. Talking things out also helps with obsessions.

Do not approach your husband about an open marriage unless you are 100% sure he is very liberal. Do not have sex or flirt with the YM. You owe respect to your children, your husband and specially to yourself.

Try to stay away from this YM as much as possible.

P.S. Wanting somebody and having sex with that person are two totally different things. If you love your husband you will go through this difficult period in your life and remain faithful to him. You would not want him to have sex with the first cute girl that waves her tail at him.

Good luck

Well Jane, it is not a question of taking an action. These feelings are telling you to look at what isn't satisfying you in your marriage. Picking inappropriate and/or unavailable love objects is a way of allowing those signs to come out while being "safe" not to take any action toward them. Happily married? Bet you're not being honest with yourself about that one.

If it turns out you really are unhappy at home, then you'll have a choice to make about leaving, or renewing the marriage and refreshing the way you communicate with each other.

People think that just because they are attracted so someone it "means" they have to somehow be with that person. If it's one of these typical "drama" scenes then it's better to ask why it's happening before giving into anything that's so obviously not the best practical move.

Good luck.

Well Jane, it is not a question of taking an action. These feelings are telling you to look at what isn't satisfying you in your marriage. Picking inappropriate and/or unavailable love objects is a way of allowing those signs to come out while being "safe" not to take any action toward them. Happily married? Bet you're not being honest with yourself about that one.

If it turns out you really are unhappy at home, then you'll have a choice to make about leaving, or renewing the marriage and refreshing the way you communicate with each other.
Here we go. The old double-standard about extramarital affairs again. When the woman cheats, it means there must be something wrong with the marriage, and she's only doing it because her husband isn't showing her love and affection. When the man cheats, it means he's just a selfish bastard who's trying to get some action on the side. Of course, it could only be as simple as this. :rolleyes:

It is WRONG to encourage people to do the wrong thing.

Am I right Molly?

Mark,

I do not support cheating. She should fight the temptation and most likely it will dissipate. If not then heart wants what it wants. In that spirit, she should seek divorce and satisfy her sexual urges. After all, that would prove that sex to her would be more important than family.

Mark, Goldie didn't blame the husband. She simply said something was wrong with the marriage and the last time I checked it involved the husband and the wife. There was no double standard in Goldie's post.

Right Flanker and Goldie made some excellent points.

Mark, you're looking for a double standard where there really isn't one. Women can be just as selfish and self-absorbed as men, although I believe men are a tad more obvious about it.

C'mon Mark, the right women haven't gotten here yet! She just may get flamed yet... in any event, she's asking somebody to validate her desire to cheat, if she's not a troll, and I'm sure there's more than one woman around here, besided Pita and myself, that will point that out to her.

Actually, I'm pleased to see some thoughtful responses, not simple condemnation.

I attempted to respond to a similar thread by making this distinction. (It happens that I see a difference, I suppose not everyone will.)

Pick someone... say Tom Cruise. A lot of women think he's hot. That doesn't mean they are going to end up in the sack with him, that doesn't mean they are some sort of infidel or monster and it probably doesn't threaten their marriage very much.

If, on the other hand, they become obsessed with him that could become a problem.

I think denying our nature can get us into trouble. Without knowing hubbie I'm hesitant to make a concrete recommendation, but I'd suggest considering telling him. Obviously it needs to be kept somewhat light... "Wow, dear, I gotta tell you... that kid you have working for you is hot."

(If hubby is a "normal" guy he's got some women he thinks are hot, so we're into equal rights here.)

Seriously, that little chat will probably put everything into perspective and certainly will substantially reduce the opportunity to follow through on what might be considered a reasonably normal physical attraction.

As others have suggested, this is about controlling physical desire. This approach has the potential of increasing intimacy with hubby, gets everything into perspective, and keeps it simple.

I only read the original post so forgive me if someone already said the same thing.

For me it is totally normal and human to have temptations. Having them is one thing and acting on them in another.

For so long men have just been "going for it" and usually they don't get emotionally attached. So as long as they keep their liason a secret, usually the family doesn't get affected. . Women unfortunately feel emotionally as well as physically attached to the man that they desire and it makes life very difficult for them and their family.

I might be very liberal in some aspects but when it comes to family I think some pure logic has to be used. Is it worth jeopardizing your family life in order to satisfy your desire ? Can you really handle it like a man could ?

Have to say I disagree with both the above immediate views.

I don't ever think it's a good idea to tell your partner you're attracted to someone else, unless it is already part of the way both of you deal with each other. There are better ways to put brakes on things like this.

I also do not think it is a matter of "control." I already said what I thought, which is that there are REASONS this is happening and whatever those are, are what need attention so this woman can figure herself out. All this is is a SIGN of something deeper, it is not a situation that needs to be handled in its own right.

And IMO it is not ok for men to stray either, no matter how discreet. I guess some women think it's ok as long as they don't know. But dishonesty is dishonesty, and I think it is BS that any woman's true partner would cheat on her and think it's ok, and it's BS that it's "not emotional" for him. If he IS "emotionally involved" with his PARTNER, fully engaged with and in love with her, then he's not going to cheat! Men are people too and are FULLY capable of true love, and need it just as much as we do. Loyalty is part of that. Period. And if his loyalty breaks down, JUST LIKE THIS WOMAN there is a REASON he needs to understand, or he'll start undermining his relationship.

This woman didn't say this was emotional for her either. It's not about what is or is not between the cheater and the 3rd party, it's about whatever is prompting this woman toward something forbidden, and she's being run by it.

Jane,

I don't know you, or what your marriage consists of to make your heart desire sex with another man......so I won't even go there........this to me is a matter of choice for you......nobody really can tell you what to do regarding your sexual desires.......everyone knows right from wrong......so I'm sure you're not seeking validation from any of us........

but.......before you do anything with this man.........I'm sure you've thought of the consequences of "what if" the husband finds out........

Everytime you desire this man.........picture your two children's faces in your mind......and ask yourself.......What if they found?

Is it worth breaking your children's hearts?

I have been happily married for 15 years and have 2 kids 10 & 12. I have never had an interest in anyone else intil a met Dick. He is 19 and I am 36 he works for my husband and I feel like there is an attraction there. I often think about sex with him.
I am not looking for a relationship, just sex and friendship. I would consider myself to be attractive to younger men but they have never interested me. I find myself thinking about this everytime I am around him and it is making me crazy. I don't want to loose what I have with my husband but I have never wanted anyone as bad as I have been wanting him.

any advice, or suggestions??

Have you lost your mind? No, not yet, and my advice would be to see to it that you don't.

You describe yourself as being happily married. Why jeopardized what you have for what would be nothing more than a thoughtless fling? Is it really worth devastating your husband and children just to have a little "sex and friendship?" (I have more than a few strong opinions about the combination of those two words as they're used in our culture, but I won't go into them here.)

If you don't have the sex and friendship you want with the man you've been married to, borne children for, shared a life with for 15 years, I'm sorry but you're not going to get that with this YM or anyone else. Maybe it's time you talked to your husband about adding some spice to your marriage, but what every you do please don't act on this fancy. Feelings aren't wrong - they're just feelings and we all have them. It's what we do with them (including dwelling on them to the point that they become our mental reality) that can make them harmful to ourselves and the ones we love.

Good luck.

Is something wrong with the sex with your husband? Are you bored? Why else would you be thinking of cheating if you're happily married?

Besides, the sex will probably suck anyhow. It's always better in your imagination than in real life. Don't bother.



Mark - give it up. We're telling her the same as we tell men. About half will flame and the other half will try to reason and talk her out of it. But almost ALL will tell her not to do it. Pita's response was pretty tough on her, yet you ignored that! Why must you always start this crap? :rolleyes:

I never said it is ok for men to cheat, but it happens and happens all the time. While my father sometimes cheated on my mother, he kept a happy family and loved my mother and nobody else. He was found out when one of his lovers got pregnant.

Result: My parents had a great period of crisis but they stayed together, my mother forgave my father. She died 2 years ago after my father took care of her like a child. She was ill for 10 years before she died and my father dedicated his time and life to her. He took care of her, they walked hand in hand, they slept cuddling up they played cards, read each other poems, went out and socialised. My father is still devastated because of my mother's absence. He misses her badly. A great love story with a bumpy episode.

I only met my half brother after my mother passed away. My half brother met the whole family and everyone accepted him as one of us. It wouldn't have been the same if my mother was still alive. He lives in Paris so I met his family and now we are VERY close and we are very happy to have found each other. Now I have a family here and very happy about it.

Not everything is black and white, things don't always work out according to rules. There are emotions involved. Each case is different but usually when a woman cheats it doesn't work the same way. Again from personal experinece, when my husband with whom I had a sexless marriage cheated on me, I went ahead and cheated on him too and only a few months later, I left my husband to be with my lover. Couldn't just fulfill my lust and stay at that. I didn't have children with my fiirst husband, I had a child from my lover.

I'm still convinced that if the OP is lusting for this 19-year-old, she should seriously measure the cosequences and consider the fact that she might be geoperdising her family. She is talking about sex and friendship paralelled with a happy marriage. She's thinking the way my father thought but she's a woman.

Jane,
I believe that lust for other people is a challenge which comes up for many couples over the course of their marriage. Lust is a perfectly natural response to someone who pushes your buttons...whether that be psycho-sexually, physically, or emotionally. It usually just means you're in good health and your hormones are functioning well. It can also remind you of deeper emotional issues you still need to work on.....it depends on the individual.

I don't know how you should handle this personally, but I can tell you it will pass.....the intense lustful, `butterflies in the stomach' feeling alway does, no matter who it is. And I believe you will feel a whole lot better about yourself when that time comes if you didn't throw away your marriage or betray your vows in the process...especially if he turns out to be a royal jerk.

You could always try talking it out with your husband.....like just tell your hubby that the guy he works with pushes your buttons for some reason you haven't figured out yet. Your hubby might know stuff about him you don't, and he would then be able to help you avoid him, if thats how want to handle things.

well, i am not sure some real slap upside the head advise is not warranted.

ok lets play out the FULL scenerio, you have an affair with the young employee of your husbands company and come to find out that your husband finds out. major divorce on some very strong grounds and meanwhile your children have not only lost their father but now are part of your incredibly bad decision. at the end of the day you devastate the three people who love you the most.

attraction is normal, its honest and healthy you are getting it out there for discussion but the ramifications on this one are enormous....a world of pain would come from this.

fact is that there is something else going on that you need to look at, even if this younger man is flirting with you, it is not appropriate, if he is, he needs to be fired. if this is a figment of your imagination you need to get your head straight quick and not put yourself in any circumstance that would allow you to act on this fantasy.

talk to a trusted friend, pastor, relative and get yourself straight on this one, it truly is not worth what there is to loose.

I didn't read all responses thoroughly so I apologize if this has already been said....


These feelings come up for EVERYBODY from time to time -- and they are probably TEMPORARY. Don't risk a long-term marriage for what is most likely temporary lust.

If you still feel obsessed in a year or something ridiculous, then you need to get help in understanding why you are in love with someone besides your husband. But for now, it's probably just lust -- again, PROBABLY TEMPORARY.

Don't act on anything... once you do, you are forever going to be the one who cheated, even if no one else finds out... you will know.

Don't do it. Would the lifetime feeling of guilt for messing up your life, your husbands life, your family and his family AND your childrens lifes!! :eek: worth the 5 mins of being with someone else?


cheating

adj 1: not faithful to a spouse or lover; "adulterous husbands and wives"; "a two-timer" [syn: adulterous, cheating(a), two-timing(a)] 2: violating accepted standards or rules; "a dirty fighter"; "used foul means to gain power"; "a nasty unsporting serve"; "fined for unsportsmanlike behavior" [syn: cheating(a), dirty, foul, unsporting, unsportsmanlike] n : a deception for profit to yourself [syn: cheat]

Disgusting. To even think that you want to have sex with someone else when you're married....just pathetic. When you marry someone, it's because you can't even look at others and don't want to spend your life with anyone else but that person. Sounds like you never should have gotten married.
If you're not into your marriage, just ask for a divorce now before you do anything, then you can be as big of a tramp as you want.

Sorry, I have no sympathy for people like this...it makes me sick. :mad:

You need to figure out the worth of things. Which is worth more to you? Your marriage and children or a jump in the sack with this dude? Good God -- fantasize like a mother and leave the ym alone. What -- are you just retarded or that self-centered?

Disgusting. To even think that you want to have sex with someone else when you're married....just pathetic. When you marry someone, it's because you can't even look at others and don't want to spend your life with anyone else but that person. Sounds like you never should have gotten married.
If you're not into your marriage, just ask for a divorce now before you do anything, then you can be as big of a tramp as you want.

Sorry, I have no sympathy for people like this...it makes me sick. :mad:

This is really unnecessary -- she came here before doing anything wrong. And everyone goes through this quandary -- it's natural, and will probably happen to EVERYONE. The key is to understand that this type of feeling is normal, will go away, and should not be acted on.

This is really unnecessary -- she came here before doing anything wrong. And everyone goes through this quandary -- it's natural, and will probably happen to EVERYONE. The key is to understand that this type of feeling is normal, will go away, and should not be acted on.

Thanks PinkCat. Wow! the bad thoughts, Mia Culpa !!! :eek:

I have been happily married for 15 years and have 2 kids 10 & 12. I have never had an interest in anyone else intil a met Dick. He is 19 and I am 36 he works for my husband and I feel like there is an attraction there. I often think about sex with him.
I am not looking for a relationship, just sex and friendship. I would consider myself to be attractive to younger men but they have never interested me. I find myself thinking about this everytime I am around him and it is making me crazy. I don't want to loose what I have with my husband but I have never wanted anyone as bad as I have been wanting him.

any advice, or suggestions??


If you have to ask, then yes, you probably have. This isn't a situation where you are free to do what you please. There are consequences for everyone here if you proceed. STOP RIGHT NOW AND GO TO THERAPY!

Ali

Actually, I'm pleased to see some thoughtful responses, not simple condemnation.

I attempted to respond to a similar thread by making this distinction. (It happens that I see a difference, I suppose not everyone will.)

Pick someone... say Tom Cruise. A lot of women think he's hot. That doesn't mean they are going to end up in the sack with him, that doesn't mean they are some sort of infidel or monster and it probably doesn't threaten their marriage very much.

If, on the other hand, they become obsessed with him that could become a problem.

I think denying our nature can get us into trouble. Without knowing hubbie I'm hesitant to make a concrete recommendation, but I'd suggest considering telling him. Obviously it needs to be kept somewhat light... "Wow, dear, I gotta tell you... that kid you have working for you is hot."

(If hubby is a "normal" guy he's got some women he thinks are hot, so we're into equal rights here.)

Seriously, that little chat will probably put everything into perspective and certainly will substantially reduce the opportunity to follow through on what might be considered a reasonably normal physical attraction.

As others have suggested, this is about controlling physical desire. This approach has the potential of increasing intimacy with hubby, gets everything into perspective, and keeps it simple.

While you try to make a point about obsession and natural attraction, your point is lost somewhat because this woman is *right there* and able to do something about her crush. Would I have slept with any of the movie stars I've ever had a crush on if I'd known them and they'd been interested? (And that is doubtful.) Hell yes! This isn't fantasy she is thinking about: it's a cold hard reality that could shatter all their lives over a fling for a moment.

Ali

I don't want to feel this way. I love my husband, I don't think that he has done anything to push me toward another man. I have just lost my sexual attraction toward him. When we have sex often but it has become more of an oblligation for me because that kind of attraction just isn't there anymore. I want to feel the way I use to about him but I don't....and I haven't for a couple years.

The problem is I do feel this way toward the ym and I don't want to. I have been ignoring my feelings and trying to seperate myself from him because I do think about
my kids and what my marriage means to me. But it has been months and I still feel the attraction toward this ym. In the 15 years for my marriage I have never wanted another man until now. I hate myself for feeling this way.

I can't discuss this with my husband, he is very jealous and just telling him my feelings could destroy our marriage. I am not ready to loose him or my family over this feeling for someone whom I see no future and want no future with. But, the problem still remains that I can't stop wanting this ym, the sexual attraction is there and won't go away!

Just go to therapy---please! You need support for this issue before it gets out of hand. Obsessing about what you can't have can become an emotional problem so devastating you can't see your life and it's logic clearly. Good luck!

Ali

I wonder how many women are in your situation. When sex just becomes an obligation after a while. I really cannot give you any advice because my marraiges never lasted as long as yours. This was my situation in my second marriage, I had sex with my husband out of obligation and while he turned his back and snored, I burst into tears. At the end I just walked out of the marriage. I never cheated, he did.

There's a lot of cheating going on because of this, but men often (not always) get away with minor flings, emotionally unscattered. It is very sad but very true. If every single marriage broke up because of cheating, there would hardly be any marriages left.

You must be really hurting, but if you do not forget about this young man, you're going to hurt even more and you're also going to ruin your family in the process.

Have you tried spending some time alone with your husband? Just travel somewhere, you and him without the children. Try to go to one of your favourite places where you had been when you just met?

I really don't know what to tell you.

edit: and if you don't involve any passion in your love making with your husband, chances are that he might get bored and cheat on you. Maybe not, but that's what I have observed and that's what I see married men around me doing. Do give your marriage a second chance and try to give a boost to your sexual desire for your husband. there must be a way.

edit 2: My second husband was also irresponsible and abusive by the way, which doesn't seem to be the case with your husband.

I can't discuss this with my husband, he is very jealous and just telling him my feelings could destroy our marriage. I am not ready to loose him or my family over this feeling for someone whom I see no future and want no future with. But, the problem still remains that I can't stop wanting this ym, the sexual attraction is there and won't go away!

Have you tried avoiding the guy completely?

I've never been married, but yes, I have been in serious relationships. Maybe I'm just more level-headed, strong-willed, etc...but if I love someone, I ONLY love that person, and the last thing on my mind is another woman. I would NEVER hurt the one I love like that.

I don't think I was too harsh at all. It's not like she came here saying she had a crush on this guy and just wanted some advice on what to do to make sure nothing happens. She specifically said she wants him for sex and a friendship. That's disgusting, plain & simple. Grow up, get some morals, and think long and hard next time before you marry someone.

For me it is totally normal and human to have temptations. Having them is one thing and acting on them in another.




EXACTLY.

One has to have their boundaries and integrity in place before one leaves the house, every day. This applies to work, friendships, relationships/marriage, and life in general. If you don't know who you are and where your boundaries are, then you don't know when to 'stop'.

There is always that moment of decision, conscious decision. The line should be clear as day before you even get close to that point.

Most of us will meet other people to whom we're attracted when we're in a relationship. Some we will be very attracted to. So what? Enjoy the warm fuzzy, have a nice chat, and go home and snuggle with the one you're committed to.

I never said it is ok for men to cheat, but it happens and happens all the time. While my father sometimes cheated on my mother, he kept a happy family and loved my mother and nobody else. He was found out when one of his lovers got pregnant.

Result: My parents had a great period of crisis but they stayed together, my mother forgave my father. She died 2 years ago after my father took care of her like a child. She was ill for 10 years before she died and my father dedicated his time and life to her. He took care of her, they walked hand in hand, they slept cuddling up they played cards, read each other poems, went out and socialised. My father is still devastated because of my mother's absence. He misses her badly. A great love story with a bumpy episode.

I only met my half brother after my mother passed away. My half brother met the whole family and everyone accepted him as one of us. It wouldn't have been the same if my mother was still alive. He lives in Paris so I met his family and now we are VERY close and we are very happy to have found each other. Now I have a family here and very happy about it.

Not everything is black and white, things don't always work out according to rules. There are emotions involved. Each case is different but usually when a woman cheats it doesn't work the same way. Again from personal experinece, when my husband with whom I had a sexless marriage cheated on me, I went ahead and cheated on him too and only a few months later, I left my husband to be with my lover. Couldn't just fulfill my lust and stay at that. I didn't have children with my fiirst husband, I had a child from my lover.

I'm still convinced that if the OP is lusting for this 19-year-old, she should seriously measure the cosequences and consider the fact that she might be geoperdising her family. She is talking about sex and friendship paralelled with a happy marriage. She's thinking the way my father thought but she's a woman.

Wow, what a beautiful post!

I don't want to feel this way. I love my husband, I don't think that he has done anything to push me toward another man. I have just lost my sexual attraction toward him. When we have sex often but it has become more of an oblligation for me because that kind of attraction just isn't there anymore. I want to feel the way I use to about him but I don't....and I haven't for a couple years.

The problem is I do feel this way toward the ym and I don't want to. I have been ignoring my feelings and trying to seperate myself from him because I do think about
my kids and what my marriage means to me. But it has been months and I still feel the attraction toward this ym. In the 15 years for my marriage I have never wanted another man until now. I hate myself for feeling this way.

I can't discuss this with my husband, he is very jealous and just telling him my feelings could destroy our marriage. I am not ready to loose him or my family over this feeling for someone whom I see no future and want no future with. But, the problem still remains that I can't stop wanting this ym, the sexual attraction is there and won't go away!

Since I suggested the idea of talking with hubby, it seems appropriate to follow up. By and large, you've got your mental arms around the problem and seem to be thinking and acting quite rationally.

Don't miss the fact that there is NOTHING wrong with the sexual attraction in and of itself. But there is a lot of danger in accepting the attraction and feeding on it.

My suspicion is that this COULD be more complicated than it seems. It is very easy (for example) to unconciously adopt a self-destructive mode of thinking that can lead to self-destructive action. You might benefit from some dispassionate help (counseling) to figure out what is really going on.

That you no longer find your husband attractive is an important part of the formula COULD be significant, and I'd urge you to put some thought there. Why is it gone, how do you get it back? (I'm not asking you to post answers, but you need those answers for yourself.)

The simple truth is that you are caught in a cycle where feelings drive thinking and that thinking encourages the same feelings. Whenever some one says "I can't," they are rarely wrong. But the fact is people do amazing things and the mind is amazingly powerful - even more powerful than lust.

You are going to have to force yourself into some different thinking... and to thinking about the right things. Thinking about the consequences of bedding this kid is not enough - it won't take long to figure out a way to do it without getting caught and no matter how many people think it's horrid... well, what other people think isn't really going to stop you either.

You are going to stop you.

It will start when you realize you can do it.

You stole my words, exactly, like I said, there'll always be someone who one will feel attracted while committed, because there is attractive people in the places we might go, but one can't just go around having them all, so yeah, look but don't touch... It won't be the 1st or last time someone committed has felt an attraction for someone, but the ones that care about the person they're with keep the distance and get close to the one they're committed to.

Good point and I agree. Marriage is a committment..if you find it's not working or that your feelings are changing about your partner...seek help either with or without them...why move on to the next relationship...as the issues will continue to follow you around ...they don't just "go away".

Of course we are not "dead" once we're married...we will find others around us attractive..the key is not to act on that attraction...should you find someone who is pursuing you while you are married...it's best to let the person know that you are married and working on things with your husband (wife...whatever the case may be). My point is ...don't get married if you plan to keep on "playing" the field....it's hurtful for everyone involved (including yourself). Again, get some help...marriage counseling, therapy...get to the root of the issue...don't just fill the void by latching on to the next hot thing that comes along. Good luck to you.
:)

Just a few words....

Do you prefer immediate gratification? or long term satisfaction?
(the 19 y/o) (family)

then you can be as big of a tramp as you want. This is a 'support site'. I don't find this helpful or in keeping with Ageless site's agenda. She has not done anything wrong. But making her WRONG for EVEN POSTING is wrong in my book.

I understand that potential affairs ALWAYS pushes someone's buttons. We go through this almost EVERY TIME someone posts about it. The difference here is that she does not want to feel how she feels and is being truthful.

There is no reason to be ugly to this person. Anyone who thinks that you can not be tempted after marriage, and still love your partner is very naive. :(

That you no longer find your husband attractive is an important part of the formula COULD be significant, and I'd urge you to put some thought there.

I sometimes wonder whether its normal for couples to lose a significant portion of their `lust' in long term marriages, especially when there are few tensions and everything is comfortable? I haven't been with a partner for more than 5 years myself, but I definately don't experience much lust after a few years....lust trnasforms into love, happiness, comfort, security, and other things.

I suppose when a person who considers cheating weighs up the two feelings, lust would feel much stronger and urgent an emotion. I think perhaps those who are inexperienced may not realise that the strong lustful feelings are only temporary, not matter who it is.

Would those of you who were/ are is comfrotable longer term marriages like to comment on this? Is it normal for lust to transform into more serene emotions?

Call me a romantic dreamer, but I think that the lustful feelings we originally had for our husband/wife can be revived in a long term relationship...if both partners will nurture the relationship with enough attention. I think we get bogged down in the dialy trivialites of life, and forget to "see" our partner in the same light we did when the spark was new. We all need to make sure to spend exclusive time with our partner as often as possible...have "date nights" every week..go do something new together,etc. , and always remember that as well as we "think" we know someone....they are changing every day, and have something new to offer us if we are open to seeing it.

In the OP's case, I would like to refer her to Marriagebuilders.com site for some excellent advise on the dynamics of marriage. Please do think long and carefully. This attraction to the young man is definitely a symptom of something else fundamentally wrong in the marriage..but it's not too late to fix it. Good luck!

I have had one long term marriage of 14 years, one marriage (YM) that was under 6 years but long term in time together and one relationship that was 12 years in duration and living together.

I had trouble being attracted to my first husband due to the alcohol use and subsequent emotional abuse. At 8 years of marriage (I think) he became sober and very sweet. So even though the sex was not lustful, the emotions that we felt for each other during that time, made the sex wonderful. He went back to drinking 2 years later and my love died for him after that.

My second YM, husband and I are very in-tune with each other sexually. He is just a great lover, no doubt about it. He can be sweet and he can be macho take charge. He is the only guy that I have ever felt totally open with sexually. So even 24 years later, it can be very passionate and lustful, as well as secure and tender. But we are not sleeping with each other right now.

The 3rd long term relationship was more dysfunctional. I did not mind the daily sex but it was very predictable and one sided... his side. I wasn't attracted to anyone else during this time because I was so wrapped up in him and the "games' he played with me (not happy games).

I know for a fact that sex can be lustful after many years. Doesn't mean it is that way EVERY night... but it goes in cycles and for me, the TWO people involved both have to affirm each other regularly and like to "play".

Call me a romantic dreamer, but I think that the lustful feelings we originally had for our husband/wife can be revived in a long term relationship...if both partners will nurture the relationship with enough attention. I think we get bogged down in the dialy trivialites of life, and forget to "see" our partner in the same light we did when the spark was new. We all need to make sure to spend exclusive time with our partner as often as possible...have "date nights" every week..go do something new together,etc. , and always remember that as well as we "think" we know someone....they are changing every day, and have something new to offer us if we are open to seeing it.

In the OP's case, I would like to refer her to Marriagebuilders.com site for some excellent advise on the dynamics of marriage. Please do think long and carefully. This attraction to the young man is definitely a symptom of something else fundamentally wrong in the marriage..but it's not too late to fix it. Good luck!

Inahnia, I agree with you and Yellowrose (and probably some others that posted earlier). Real life sneaks in and invades our sex lives at times. And cycles can last for a few days, a few weeks, and longer.

Edit: Like every other part of a relationship, our sex lives need to be tended to and nurtured, at some times more than others.

It's funny, as I've gotten older, I've realized that various cycles in life can last for really long periods of time, as opposed to when I was younger, 'cycles' were expected to last a few days or so for anything!

I took a look at Marriagebuilders.com. Looks interesting...

A good friend of mine recently split with his wife....and they were together for 12 year, they also have 2 georgeous children, a boy and a girl....,,,They seem to be doing okay now.....His business is becomming more successful because of it....and she is happier, plus the children have become used to it...., and life goes on....

The thing is Janes, people constantly 'think' they have to stay in their marriages, when perhaps it may be time to move on....15 years is a long time.....Perhaps you need a bit of a break, who knows....

....We are so scared of change, that we will stick to something, and stay in something, regardless of the fact that we are getting no joy out of it....

....Once the seks has gone from the equation....it is only downhill from there.....Believe me I know from experience,,.... a seven year relationship of mine ended because of that reason and that reason only....I really did love that guy you know :(

.....We are all different after all, I guess, and have different needs.....

....Perhaps this youngster has come into your life at this stage to force you to have a look at your marriage.....Are you really happy???

Life will always force change upon us if we are stagnating, and not changing for ourselfs....it is the laws of the universe.....

This has happened for a reason, it may not feel 'great' right now, but it is the beginning of the changes that you really need to make for yourself Janes, and it will lead to your eventual happiness.....Because thats what we all want isnt it ;)

Dont everyone have temptations somewhere down the line?
It's natural I think.
the thing is to not put something in risk that you wouldn't want
to lose.
She doesn't want to lose her husband.
so fantasize a little.
hubby will never know you are changing his face for the night.
I am sure the fantasy of this guy is better than the real thing anyway!!

Hi Jane,

I am 42 and also attracted to sexy young men, I put this down to being a normal, healthy heterosexual woman. I guess my husband is attracted to gorgeous young girls too. As we also consider ourselves HAPPILY MARRIED to each other, it remains an interested glance and maybe a stray thought of 'I wonder...'

How can you be happily married and considering seriously having sex with another man, no matter what his age? clearly you are either NOT happy with your marriage or quite uncaring of the consequences to your husband and children and ultimately to yourself - because I see a world of pain ahead if you act on this urge.

Advice is simple; forget about it, put it away along with the fantasies about winning the Lottery and waking up one day 3 dress sizes thinner.

I think the sexual attraction is a phenomenom that we don't understand too well because it happens so differently for each of us. I studied sexology with a lady that has an incredible amount of experience as a sexual therapist and as a lawyer and she always used to say: for some of us it takes a long time of romancing until we get into sex.. for others it is just a blink and they have to go behind the bushes. I never understood the behind the bushes people.. but learned to respect how they are and why!

While some people's attention and sexual drive go like a lighthouse, illuminating different spots in the environment, others have a steady focus that lights only to one side and never wavers, and it is mostly NOT a question of morals! Thinking one is better because one never looks or feels tempted is really a form of trying to put yourself above others. Really, who can cast the first stone?

The think i did not like about this thread is how judgeamental some people got. We really are all different and when you are starving for feeling alive and sexy anything can happen, THAT is the problem!. Acting or not upon it depends on the situation and the individual and his/her values or ideas, which I believe no one should judge.

As for you, Jane, I just feel like apologizing for the flaming you got (which you took very well, i am happy for you! I would have been so upset!) and congratulate you for coming and talking to us FIRST. There are no easy solutions for your dilemma.
It is you that has to put the guilt and the pleasure in the equation and that has to live with your decision afterwards. I hope you feel you can come here again if you are suffering because of your choice.

I heard though that when there is an honest confession of feeling very tempted by another man (i would not say whom) many jealous men react much better than expected.

I feel you also got very good advice from some of the ladies!
All the best for you and your family! After all, decisions should be "ecological"!
Maria

Sinways said:It is you that has to put the guilt and the pleasure in the equation and that has to live with your decision afterwards."

Exactly...you're the one who has to live with the guilt..not to mention...the "karma" and aftermath of what your choices bring back to you...how does that saying go...what goes around comes around....it never fails. Do the right thing...then you don't have to worry about the consequences...keep life simple...not chaotic...(no time for spell check guys...so excuse any errors! :p )

so fantasize a little. Errr.... that is her problem! She is fantasizing so much that she is wanting the real thing!

a sexual therapist and as a lawyer and she always used to say: for some of us it takes a long time of romancing until we get into sex.. for others it is just a blink and they have to go behind the bushes Hmm.. would be interesting to see where she got her information. A few studies have shown that women usually have an affair for EMOTIONAL reasons. They are not happy at home and they get emotionally involved with their extra-marital partner. Men are not as prone to get emotional involved when cheating.

But unless someone has been there, it is hard to explain the temptation of having an affair when married. Also, unless one has been there, it hard to realize the total devastation of being cheated on. :(