Hurting, Depressed and in a Major Quandry

Don't know how many of you will remember, but two weeks ago I got a wonderful outpouring of support from my post ("Bracing for the Worst and Caught Between a Rock and a Hard Place" 11/21) in which I voiced my concerns and worries about the impending death of my wonderful ow companion Ann's ex-husband who is paralyzed from the neck down and dying of cancer. To recap the situation, I've been his other fulltime caregiver for the past year now and his situation has grown much worse as his cancer has spread to his brain and he's back in the hospital again. Needless to say, Ann and I are both extremely distraught about this--she much more so than I--and making matters worse is the fact that she's starting to take out her frustrations out on me and pushing me away--whenever I try to hold her or do anything else to comfort her and console her, or make any overtures to take her out to dinner or for drinks to try and ease her pain. I'm only doing this as a natural impulse because I love her so much, but she can't seem to hear or accept any of this now, which is is perfectly understandable. However, on top of my hurt for her and about his death, I'm also getting hurt even though I'm doing everything in my power to make things easier for her such as dealing with doctors, spending nearly 5 to 12 hours a day in the hospital with him so that she can get some relief, etc. I guess my biggest concern is that this is a primer for what's going to be when the inevitable happens and I really fear loosing her too when he dies. I'd welcome any suggestions on what to do.

Tripp

Tripp, people are not themselves when going through stressful situations like this, as well as through the grief process. Right now, don't put any pressure on her about your potential relationship after all of this. Right now, just continue to be her friend and give her some space. And expect that both of you are not going to be yourselves during this really stressful time in your lives.

I suspect you will go thru some even tougher times as things progress. Hang in there. Things will probably eventually come back around to the way they were. I am sure she is in a quandary right now. And she will go thru more stages in the days to come. Bless your heart. This must really be hard on you. :(

I know you want to ease her pain and stress. Sometimes we just can't do that for a loved one. Let her be for awhile. If going to the hospital is taking too much of a toll on you, then please take care of yourself and back off some.

Try not to solicit any signs that she cares for you right now. It will come across as a need and she is too empty to fill. If I were you, I would join some type of support group while you are going through all this.

I think a few months after his death, things can get better. But you really have a tough life right now, don't you? If you chose to see this through then you must have another outlet to get your needs met as well. I wish you peace and rest... be blessed.