Looking for positive results? input??!ha!

It's almost 1 a.m. .... decided to search online to find someone to talk to...I'm new here and I'll just dive in: I'm 49 and my sweetheart is 35. We have been together for 2-1/2 years (we don't live together and for the past 6 months it's been a long distance (4 hours away) relationship since I moved to a new job). He is wonderful in most every way. Today...well, it was yesterday now...I went to a mind-mapping seminar to report on as part of my job. It was about goal setting for the next 10 years. Ten minutes into the seminar I found myself crying (so professional!ha!). I had talked to my honey about the seminar the night before and voiced my concerns about ... us .... 10 years from now. When I said, Are you gonna be there with me, he said, "I sure as h...ll hope so, if you don't get tired of me." Still, at the seminar, those tears started coming. So it's obvious that I have concerns!ha! I'm looking for input from others who are in happy, healthy long term relationships and how/what you do to handle the insecurities/worries? It doesn't seem to be enough for the guy to keep telling me and showing me that my age is OK with him. What can I do to be OK with it myself? The seminar rather 'hit' me with the reality that in 10 years I'll be thinking of retiring and he will, at 45, be at the peak of his work career. BUT when I'm 96 and he's 82 ....ha!
Thanks for any input.

Hi Frenchkissed, this is a common problem a lot of us ow share and indulge in from time to time. I have read a lot of different questions and concerns about this since I joined ageless. I would suggest looking through the threads. There is lots of helpful info you can glean from them. Welcome. :)

Yes, I realized after my post that I simply had not clicked enough and found the right links. I've spent the past half hour reading the body complaints (love those tummies!ha!) etc.
It is a bit discouraging to read of so many breakups but as one woman said, those folks who are happy don't have a need or the time to be online once they've worked out the 'bump' in their relationship and moved on. ..... However, in the breakup issues, it helps me to note my own situation.....we're OK on the no kids, so that's not a problem. I think my issues are a combination of things, not to mention the stress of being apart, because when we lived in the same city, we saw each other every day and spent lots of nights together ....
SO, I'm going to keep reading and looking.
Thanks again!

Welcome frenchkissed. There are some members here who are or have been in long-term age gap relationships. You may not find a lot of posts by them, but that might be because they are happy and don't feel a need to come here to post for advice.

But, I do think you'll find more posts here from people like you who are just wanting to know that they are not alone. And, you'll find lots of us in the same situation as you.

Here's what my b/f once said to me. He'd rather not worry about the future, but instead, focus on the happy times we have together now. He said, "why worry about something that none of us can predict? Let's love each other and enjoy each other now."

He's right. Live for the day and don't spend a moment worrying about what might happen. Worrying about the future wastes precious moments you have together now.

Welcome and best wishes.

We're coming up quickly on the 3rd anniversary of our mutual discovery, we just bought a house and are getting married in '06. Not planning on kids either.

Around here we see a lot of posts about those insecurities, and - well every situation is different, but - not all of us have them. It's possible to be very much at peace in an AGR.

You have the long distance thing too, you should read the LDR forum here. But most of all, what I see is that you're getting in touch with your real feelings and that can shake us. We are used to chin-up and being "professional" and all that other stuff, but real feelings are not so easily contained. Nothing wrong with showing them. Sounds like your man is a solid one from what you've said, and he's old enough to be a true adult who knows what he wants, so many AGR worries you'll find here are probably not a factor for your situation.

What I would recommend is some personal excavation/soul-searching/seeking, whatever you want to call it, a going inward - so you can understand yourself better. The better you know yourself and why you do and feel what you do can help clear away vague insecurities that well up and you will be that much of a better partner. Those insecurities are signposts to questions you need to ask and answer for yourself, a prompting toward clearing out old programming and getting ready to be a solid half of a happy couple. (Ideally, both partners will do this each in their own time.)

:)

I agree with everyone esle, no relationship is a predictor of longevity base on the length of durability in the relationship. Only the heartfelt intentions of the two people involve will it help it endure. So as long as you both have the same agenda, that's as long as any relationship will last.

If you breakup, you breakup...believe me, it won't be the end of the world, you can't allow doubts to plague you for the rest of your life, that will in fact accelarate the inevitable. Stay positive, the only one you can control is you. Asking him if he's going to be there for you in 10 years is not a fair question...people change, circumstances change, life changes, so just quit asking him before you get an answer you will not like. There are so many paths to our choices, right now he's choosing to be with you. In 10 years, he may change his mind, or you would, one never knows, so worrrying about it is just a big waste of cosmic energy. It helps no one in the end except cause you undue worry.

Paris

I was married to a guy for 19 years, he is my same age, same education, same economic status, same race and country. We have a wonderful child. Being Catholic we married thinking it would last forever. It did not. As Irparis said, people change. Some things we thought we could put up with, turned into huge problems in the future. We had to divorce.

On the other hand I have a 2 year relationship with a guy who lives millions of miles away, is 21 years younger and has a totally different background than me. Will we make it? Everything points out to NO WE WONT. But everyday goes by and we love each other more, we still need each other, and plain and simple we cannot live without each other, so why try to end something that is working against all odds?

What I learned in these 2 years is that men get tired of hearing the same doubts about age and love and distance. He warned me that if I kept asking dumb questions, I was going to push him away. So now everytime I feel doubts I come here and vent, or just read the posts.

Good luck and best wishes.
Welcome to ageless

Frenchkissed,
Be encouraged...your age gap is not that big at all, it is well within the lower-limit gaps on this board for sure....and you and your sweetie are both well-established adults at 35 and 49 :) . Basically, I say that age will not be an issue with you two as the years pass, especially because your ym sounds so absolutely sure he loves you (for all the right reasons!). Smile, be thankful for how you've been blessed, and go ahead and picture yourself in 10 years together...heck, I'm 49 also and when I'm 59 I'm going to be sizzlin hot; you will be too...your ym will sure think so! :D
Best, Karen

OKay... what about the "M" word? Have you two discussed it? What is his thinking on it? Is it because he is not for it that you are feeling insecure with the relationship?

I know if I truly loved someone and wanted to marry them, I would feel more insecure if they did not feel the same way (after a couple of years).

The ladies have given you some great answers. Who knows if a guy of ANY age will decide to leave us?

Click the link in my siggy "Age Gap FAQs" and you'll find a whole bunch of links. A really good one is "Happy OW/YM Stories." I love that one!

Welcome to Ageless!

Hello ALL!
A big thank you for your responses!
I apologize for not having time to say all I want to say now, but at least I have to say THANK YOU. And I'll be back another time and tell you more about my honey!
Trishia

After I posted, I saw my headline....duh! I intended to at least respond to the post about the M word....cause what my sweetheart told me was so endearing.....I was surprised at my own response when I read some obitiuaries....one of a woman who had been with her partner for 28 years but they never married and another with a similar scenario. I was talking on the phone to my sweetie about my surprise over my own feelings....after all those years, yeah, they oughta have gotten married cause it's just this deeply rooted societal thing that Marriage is the ultimate symbol of committment. I'm droning on and he says, "Babe, if you want to know if I'll marry you if you ask me, I will." Ahh......I liked that!
Trishia

I think everyone has gone through those same doubts and worries and it's only natural. You know what though? Love has no age and we only have one life to live and if we find that someone to love that makes us happy then we'll want to spend our lives being with them enjoying their company, having happiness and enjoying so much love consumed in them and the "us" that there is no time to worry about little stats like "age" ;)

We need to take it one day at a time and not 10 years from now stressing over "he'll be this and I'll be that" we may not be here tomorrow, you know?

i am a romantic when it comes to my husband, i love this man to bits, no big news here and i am sure, people can get tired of hearing it. we have a 20 year gap and i dont worry so much about age as health, his and mine. he is deployed and i will tell you that when this is all over i will breathe a sigh of relief and the other fact is that i had a scare recently with an abnormal pap, life has no guarantee's, if you find love, hold on to it like crazy, you are one of the really fortunate ones! personally i can only tell you, marriage for me has been wonderful, i strongly recommend it when you find that special person.

if you find love, hold on to it like crazy, you are one of the really fortunate ones!

quoted for emphasis =)

Ladies, I've got 12 French horns I'm supposed to be decorating for office X-mas ambiance, several business emails to reply to, bills to pay and some items to be readied for the post office ........ and what am I doing? Getting gushy reading all these wonderful tales of folks finding love regardless of age. Wow!
After reading so many of the posts, this is what I've been thinking:
I'm happy with my life and the way it has turned out up to now, pretty much just following my bliss or going with the flow. I'm still contemplating what I learned at this mind-mapping seminar and about envisioning my life 10 years from now. It is a human uniqueness to think and plan for the future. I like where I've gotten without planning. Perhaps...I'd like it even better with at least some planning!ha! In other words, I wanna find a nice balance between living in the now and yet thinking of the future cause when I check out around age 96 or so, I don't want to have any regrets. I think what upset me at the time of my posting is the powerlessness of feeling in limbo: me here and him there and we do have a lot of dreams/goals, but money/jobs and those 'realties' are forcing us to be apart. Bottom line: it sucks!ha!
When I first met my sweetie, I went to bed one night looking for direction in my dreams as to what I should do (you know, be mature and walk away from him and let him find a young thing to have babies with......) I woke up the next morning and what was on my mind was that song.....I coulda missed the pain but I would have missed the dance. That's Garth, isn't it? I think one of the good things about age is knowing that although I love him, if it doesn't work out, I won't be devastated and think it's the end of the world. I will indeed always know that I had one grand dance indeed!
But he gives me every indication that it will work. That I am the first serious relationship he's ever had, the first woman he's ever been comfortable with (gosh, I think that is such a compliment...better than if he told me he thought I'm as beautiful as Madonna!ha!)
We met online through Craigslist. He replied to my post, knowing my age (14 years difference). Without his beard, he looks like a kid. In his army pics, I swear he looks like he's 12. He went with me to the bank several times while I was qualifying for a car loan, and the last time I went back to sign papers, he wasn't with me. The loan officer asked where my son was! I just laughed and said, he's not my son, he's my sweetheart. She apologized and said, Oh, I thought he was about 20." (he's 35).
After reading many of the posts, I realized that even though there are 'generalities," each situation is so different and unique too. My ex (married 22 years) is 10 years older than I am. Never noticed any difference in our ages. I don't notice a difference in my sweetie's age as far as stamina, interests, etc. And any differences are fun -- He introduced me to Kid Rock, Bare Naked Ladies, etc.
Also, just one last thought to this already too lengthy post (I know ya'll didn't expect to read a novel!ha!).....but for what it's worth....if any of you like to play with astrology.....you could very well find out what I did: being attracted to an older woman or a younger man could be 'in the stars' for you. My honey's astrology chart interpretation said that about him. SO, some times I just think to myself: ok, it's fate. Enjoy it!
Thanks again for everyone's encouragement and helping me get over my bump of insecurity.