New here...sad and depressed

I just stumbled on this board today. I'm so glad I did.

I am 36 and my husband is 29. I have 2 kids from a previous marraige and one child with him. We have been together over 6 yrs. Married for 3. He works out of town (hr. and a half away), so he stays in our travel trailer there. He comes home one for day every 2 wks. His only days off. He works a lot of hrs unfortunately.

He has always put my feelings first and his goal has always been to insure my happiness, until the last couple of years. Since he began working out of town to be exact. Things are really different. I miss him so much and am very very lonely for him. When he is home or if we go to stay a night or two with him he is so distant and unaffectionate with me. He barely talks to me anymore. Although, he always says I love you before we hang up the phone or if he's leaving. But, not before he goes to sleep anymore for some reason.

I tell him how I feel and how I worry. I've even told him i'm suspicious that he's cheating. He listens to me then just sort of discounts what i've said. he will say, oh, honey, I love you. If I dind't want to be w/ you why would I keep coming home?! He says I don't know why you get this stuff in your head. Recently I told him that maybe the kids and I should move there so we can live together again like normal married people instead of seeing each other just 2 or 3 days a month. he said no. He said he doesn't want to live there. I told him that's what he's doing already. he kept saying no and that he does not want to make that place his home and that I already own a house (I had my home before we met). Also, he said who knows how long his job will last. I would think a man would want to buy a home himself for his family. The one we live in is rather small and old. I'd like something nicer. It's as if he doesn't want to commit to the future it seems.


But he just bought a new camper that is only a year old, 4 slide outs, so you could imagine the cost. But he won't buy a house?! I feel so empty, lonely, depressed.

Lastnight I talked to him about my 2 older sons taking on his last name (per their reequest) bc they don't know their bio father. They haven't seen him since the oldest was 3. he has made no contact w/ them ever. So they call my husband dad, they have since the very beginning of our relationship. Per their choice. Anyway, he said people have told him not to do that bc if we ever divorce then i'll be able to really stick it to him for child support bc not only will he have to pay for our son but the other 2 as well. I told him that's only if he adopted them. All i'm asking is simply to bear his last name, not adopt. Their bio father pays child support anyway. But needless to say, I cried all night over that.

I love him so much and just want him to still be in love with me, but I just am feeling like he's not. I don't know if maybe it's work, being away from us has made him a little cold, he doesn't love me or if he is cheating. I'm at my witts end and stay so stressed over it all the time.

Sorry this is so long, but i've been wanting to get this out to someone other than him as that gets me nowhere. Thank you for reading.

Hi....

I'm sorry to hear of the pain you're going through, Myreine.

It sounds like your husband may have a mistress that he doesn't want you to know about. It's not hard to verify this if you have the spare change to hire a private investigator.

I think that you should really try to convince him to go to see a marriage counselor with you. If one person feels the marriage is broken down, then it is. Try to convince him of that.

Good luck.

Wow, that's tough. :(

I know you said you have, but I think you really need to just talk to him more and get everything out, so you know what's going on. Straight out ask him why he seems so distant, and why he doesnt tell you he loves you as much. If he really isn't 'into' you anymore, then he shouldnt have a problem telling you that. It really just could be stress from work, etc.

Just talk and open up to eachother, dont keep anything hidden. That's the only way you'll know what's going on for sure.

So sorry to hear of what you are going through. I would not worry about the whole "adoption/take the name" thing. It's rather moot anyway. If you were to divorce and your sons consider your husband to be their "dad" and have been treating him accordingly, that's all any court would have to hear. He would be considered their father and have to pay as such.
The other -- a little tougher. I think I would leave him be -- that is, let him have his space to either hang himself or consider the worth of what he has. BUT, I do know me -- I think I'd be taking a couple of little "surprise" visits up there myself or be hiring someone to do it for me. :D
Be on the offensive and see what pans out -- could be you are worrying for nothing. But, I firmly believe in "women's intuition" and feel you should trust your instincts. Get some answers and then act.
I wish you luck and know that my prayers will have you in them.

I totally agree with Curly here on the "women's intuition" thing, that much is true! I think if you believe something is wrong, something IS wrong.

It's really a pity he isn't taking your concerns and worries seriously.

The PI is a good idea. They don't cost as much as you think for some simple, quick surveillance. This really just depends on how "wrong" you think all this is... if it were me, I would be beside myself ~ for certain.

I also think his comments about potentially divorcing were pretty powerful ~ almost as if he's been considering it?

Why did he take a job so far away and plan to JUST see you 2-3 days a month? And why, if its only 1.5 hours away, does he not come home daily? I commute 1 1/2 hours EACH way everyday. It's not a big deal at all. Certainly not something to keep me from my man. And my man does the same commute, sometimes even longer depending on where his jobsite is that day! :eek: But we both come home to each other... everyday... without fail... without question. So, that part I truly don't "get."

I'm sending you out a big (((((((HUG)))))))) and I really hope you can work this out.
~phos

I think you definately need to put some time and energy into finding out if he is having someone stay at the travel trailer. Sounds suspicious. I sure hope thats not it. It could be some other reasons you are feeling this way. But I would check out the most obvious. So sorry you are going thru this.

Yep. Woman's intuition is a powerful thing. (Well, men have it, too. Called "gut instinct.")

Anyhow, I agree that a surprise visit is in order. Bring him dinner and the kids. If nothing is going on, he'll be happy to see you. If not, than I would be HIGHLY suspicious that there was another woman. (A PI can be VERY expensive. I hired one to get a phone number of a long lost friend and it cost me $200 for 1/2 hour of work. Maybe call that TV show, "Cheaters"?)

Anyhow, I would just make a couple of surprise visits. Especially a late night one.

he actually did commute daily for about the first 4 or 5 mths. But he works 11 hr. days 7 days per week and only gets 1 sometimes 2 days off every 2 wks. He said it just became too much driving when he's so tired from work. He works labor outdoors, so i'm sure it is very tiring. But it would be nice if he'd come home more often just to stay the night.

He just called me a little while ago from work and said I didn't sound too talkative. I told him i'm just hurt and that I don't want to talk about it right now. He assumed bc of the name thing. He told me just do whatever I want about all that, but he just doesn't think the way I want to go about it will work. He believes the bio father will not allow or give permission for the change unless they are adopted or I allow him not to have to pay child support anymore.

Funny thing is, I have been enormously worried. but we visited him a few weekends ago at his request. The day we got there my oldest son and husband's coworker went to a store my husband goes to daily pretty much. The lady (store clerk) found out who my son was. you know how store clerks get to know the customers, especially on a daily basis. Anyway, my son and I went the next day to the same store and the same lady was working, when she saw my son she recognized him, then she looked at me and her eyes got so big and was smiling from ear to ear and said oh my gosh, you're the wife!!! Oh my gosh, it is so great to finally get to see you. I've heard so much about you all. your husband has been so excited that you were coming, he's been talking about it all week. That makes me feel really good, but it doesn't take away the way I feel bad about things. you know what I mean??

It's as if you are living on one side of the ocean, and he on another, or that's how it feels, am I right? I think you might find, if you looked at your past, another person close to you, a mom or dad or stepparent who was also emotionally or physically unavailable? If I were you, I would ask myself right now: "Do I really want to know what is going on? Am I ready to hear any answers I may get?" People have counseled you to get a PI to find out what your hubby is physically doing, I don't believe it's necessary. I think you know that answer in your heart of hearts, and can't hear it because it's not what you want to find out. You see your hubby putting up boundary after boundary with you, and that would clue me in to a problem with the marriage. Now, this is what I would do.

My first thought is to go to the hubby and speak to him. Calmly and firmly tell him that you no longer want to live alone. Tell him that you cannot go on living the way you are. (Make sure this is true before you deliver any ultimatums, because he may say he's leaving.) Tell him to come back home...this week, today. Bring the trailer and park it in the driveway. Work his job until he finds a new one nearer to home. See what his response is. If he can't be with you, it's time to get on with your life and your sons. I would seek pastoral care for this crisis, if you have a church? Perhaps that would help deal with the problem diplomatically? My guess is that your hubby will tell you like it is if he's pushed. And to me this sounds so classically that he has NOT GROWN UP! And his life is harder than he can handle right now.

Good luck, and think happy thoughts. It will probably come out all right.

Hugs

Ali

Just a note on the child support thing. I know a couple who divorced after 2 years of marriage . She had 2 kids previously with a deadbeat dad. Well she took the stepfather to court and was awarded support until those kids were 19. It didnt matter about the real father because he never supported the kids. Very unfair.