In a bind

Hi i havent posted here in several months, im 35 and my ym is 20. we are living together and have been for about 6 months. Things have been up and down, at first there was a period of adjustment, and then things were realy good for a couple of months. After that things just started to go downhill, and here is why. My bf likes to smoke pot, i dont condone the behavior anymore, did when i was younger, but am WAY past that point in my life, I asked him to keep it to a minimum, maybe 1-2 times a month, and never when my children are home. He agreed to this and then started hiding it behind my back, and doing it when I was at work, 2 times I found out, and there was HUGE fights each time, mostly about being lied to. The last one he again agreed not to it, and hasent. Now he has a new job and automatically finds himself with the temptation again, this is 1 month after our last huge fight, he had agreed to wait atleast a few months to try to build trust to get himself enrolled in school and on the right path in his life, which he hasent done. I have no trust left and him bringing this up so soon, has put me back to square 1. He says I am acting like his mother, and he should be free to do what he wants. I clearly told him that I wasnt trying to control him, that I only was stating what I would and wouldnt accept in the relationship and from a man that I am living with, I have 2 small children to think about and dont want them to have a bad influence around. Am I being to strict?? I do car about him, but am very scared that if i say its ok again once in a while his use will escalate again.
I would appreciate some input Im very confused. if I asked him to move out he would move back to Texas and the relationship would be over.

This is simple!! He cares about the weed more than you & your kids!! He's got a lot of growing up to do. Let the bird fly!! Wanna get HIGH?!!!

Hi Graci, I have a girlfriend who is in the same boat. 'Cept, she has been with the guy for 13 years now. He smoked when they were dating. She didnt think much of it. But after the kids came, he didnt stop. Just kept on. Many, many arguments about it. So he just started sneaking. It has been ongoing. She has even left him over it. But keeps going back. But guess what? Recently, she has found he has moved on to heavier stuff......So, my point being......this could happen to you too. But she has wasted sooo may years. I am sure it doesnt happen in every case. Just wanted to share that story.

I think your first responsibility is to your children...and if you don't want them exposed to that...then you're definately in your right to ask him not to do so around them or in the house.

I definately don't think you're being too strict or that you're trying to be his mom...you're just doing what you've got to do.

Nadine.

The thing is that pot is so addictive & if you have someone with an addictive personality too no amount of nagging or fighting will change that. I am not taking his side just wanting you to see that he may say he won't smoke etc., and not be able to keep his word because of the addiction...is it "lying" well, it's an addicts personality before he/she get's help. I picked up on the being his Mom thing too, I don't think you mean it it's just a negative cycle you two are in now. I would back off the fighting and just let him know that you cannot have drugs around your children, that he needs to move out for their sakes and that you hope he get's treatment. NA (narcotics anonymous) is fabulous, and CODA (codependants anonymous) for you. I would say stop the blaming, (It won't help) it just puts the focus on you trying to control him instead of him trying to get help and find himself.

I don't smoke pot or ingest any recreational substances...except alcohol.

I cannot be in a relationship with someone who does. Frankly, I've already been there, done that, so I know what it does to a person's mindset. I don't like being straight and interacting on a regular basis with someone who is stoned or high on something else.

I'd say that he IS free to do whatever he wants. But if it doesn't jibe with what you want for YOU and/or for your children, then he's free to do it somewhere else. That is not you controlling him. It is you being in control of your own life (and by default, your children's lives).

I hate to say it but if he were to move away and end the relationship because of this, you're probably better off without him. Just having this fear is a red flag, and I'm sure you already know this.

Sorry, I'm not usually so 'harsh'.

My aunt was married for 15 years (and dated the guy for a few years before that). They had four children together. He refused to quit smoking pot, and still smokes it to this day. His 3 older children knew what he was doing when he would go hang out in the garage or the backyard. How easy do you think it is to convince 2 teenagers that smoking pot is wrong when their dad is smoking it on a daily basis? It isn't, and it wasn't, and they have/do.

Am I being to strict??

Does his pot smoking affect your life? Yes.
Does he lie about it? Yes.
Will your kids find out? Yes.
Will they be influenced by seeing a role model smoke pot? Yes.

...are you being too strict? No.

I dated a guy for over a year who told me that when we started dating that drinking and pot smoking was a thing of his past. I found out that he smoked and drank weekly throughout our relationship and played it off like it was nothing. I let him know I was uncomfortable with it and he got defensive saying it was harmless. I just couldn't deal with it. I got out of the relationship. He smokes and drinks even more now.

If your not comfortable with it, then your not comfortable. PERIOD!! Lying about it really made me question things more though.

Your not being strict by any means. You should re-evaluate your relationship though. Is his pot-smoking something you could handle if he should not give it up in the near future (a likely case)? Where does he smoke at specifically? Do he clean everything up well? What would he do if one of your children saw him with a joint?

Just think things over. Consider your children's health and safety first though. Pot smoke is a form of second-hand smoke.

Let us know how everything goes

I met my ym when I was 36 and he was turning 21. We were together six years (he left in July).

One of the reasons he left was because he felt he couldn't do what he wanted to do without me getting pissed off.

In the end, it comes down to life stage, and what you both want. Personally, I don't think smoking pot is a big deal if the person doing it only does it recreationally. Robin (my ex) used to do it after work at a friend's or neighbor's house, away from my kids. I don't smoke it, but I didn't care if he did as long as he did it under those circumstances and I didn't have to pay for it!

I like to drink, and someone telling me I couldn't would end up with me walking. Not because alcohol is the most important thing, but because it's something I enjoy and I'd hate for someone to tell me I can't do something I enjoy just because they don't enjoy it.

If your relationship is good otherwise, I'd try to find some sort of compromise with this. If he's lying about when he's doing it, maybe it's because you overreact when he does it? It's not like he's out doing something super destructive, or cheating on you, he's just getting a little buzz. Unless it interferes with your kids, the finances, or his ability to function, I'd let it ride. The other thing is, he is only 20. He may have acted really maturely to get you, but now he might be relaxing a bit and showing his true self. What were you doing when you were 20? I was partying my butt off! :D I'm 43 now, with teenagers, and trying to focus on working and parenthood, so expecting a 20-year-old to be in the same life stage as me would be unrealistic. Let him be 20. If it gets to be too much, let him go, but don't deny him the ability to make decisions for himself and have experiences that 20-year-olds want to have.

i dunno, if it really bothers you he smoked pot then i would stand by my convictions. we really gotta be true to what makes us happy before we settle or make compensations just because someone is younger or older.

i swayed and settled before because i thought there was no such thing as committed relationship, i never had a partner like i have now and he is 20 years younger. my husband has had more responsibility than i will ever have. he is active military.

you gotta have ground rules and know who you are before entering any relationship, if smoking pot really made you feel uneasy then you did the right thing in my opinion.

My YM enjoys a smoke too. I used to when I was his age so it's not a problem for me. He forgives me my OW vices (white wine, clothes, shoes, cosmetics and strange eating habits) so I figure it's give and take on this one.

Hi Gracy!

You're doing the right thing. My father was addicted to alcohol, so I know more about the dynamics behind it then I want to.

As someone else said pot isn't the most addicting drug, and if you know what you do you can use it recreational. But he begins to use it secretely. He starts fights about it, he fights temptations. Take this very seriously, this are advanced stages to becoming an addict!! Problem is, he doesn't take it seriously, he's naive about this.

It was also stated that he begins to act like an addict. He lies to you, he hiddes his stuff. You have one thing to know: you can't cure him by being friendly towards him, the opposite is true, you're enforcing his behaviour. You're strict, but not strict enough.

Inform yourself, get the opinions of profesionals (like NA), seek advice. But don't tolerate his behaviour with the faint hope it will vanish!!

No offense, y'all, but there are extensive studies proving pot is NOT addictive. :rolleyes: Addictive personality people can become addicted to ANYTHING, but there are millions of people worldwide who use marijuana recreationally and have never had issues with addiction.

SO... on that note, I have this to say. If you're riding him and chastizing him anytime he does it, he's going to do it secretly if its something he enjoys. If you cannot handle it, the BEST thing you can do is let him go. He certainly can find another woman who will allow him to recreationally imbibe, just as you probably do with alcohol, without forcing him into hiding and secrecy. You both deserve better.

I agree with Polly's post. If he's not using everyday, not exposing the kids to it, not doing it when driving or whatever, then lay off. Stop (s)mothering him. He's 20. Let him experiment or let him go. I vote for the later, since you don't show much tolerance of his youth at all.

~phos

No offense, y'all, but there are extensive studies proving pot is NOT addictive. :rolleyes: Addictive personality people can become addicted to ANYTHING, but there are millions of people worldwide who use marijuana recreationally and have never had issues with addiction.

SO... on that note, I have this to say. If you're riding him and chastizing him anytime he does it, he's going to do it secretly if its something he enjoys. If you cannot handle it, the BEST thing you can do is let him go. He certainly can find another woman who will allow him to recreationally imbibe, just as you probably do with alcohol, without forcing him into hiding and secrecy. You both deserve better.

I agree with Polly's post. If he's not using everyday, not exposing the kids to it, not doing it when driving or whatever, then lay off. Stop (s)mothering him. He's 20. Let him experiment or let him go. I vote for the later, since you don't show much tolerance of his youth at all.

~phos

Yep, agreed Phos, but......assuming that he could be in that group of ppl that do have addictive personalities. Then it could escalate down the road and turn into a much bigger problem, like some of my friends are in now. But, agreed that a lot of folks use smoke for recreation and have no prob. :)

I agree with Polly. My ym smokes occasionally -- so what? I do not smoke but did in my "younger" days so I certainly cannot judge him for doing the exact same thing I did -- and, like Polly said -- I would not want him telling me that I couldn't do something I enjoyed. Just make sure it is not in your home around your children -- if that's what really concerns you, "mom". Leave him be -- he's a grown-up! My ym now only smokes about twice a year and that's if we happen across someone who offers him something. He just grew out of it and also his job does "random" testing so I never really had to say anything to him. Made up his own mind that his job was more important than the smoke. :rolleyes: Tell him your rules about the house and children and then back away -- best way....

I used to live with a bong in my hand when I was a teenager and into my early 20s. I'm lucky, I don't have an addictive personality and the day I decided to quit, I just quit. But one does not have to be addicted for it to become a strong habit. (I disagree that pot is not addictive. I'm going to leave my opinions about pot being addictive at that because that's not really the point of the OPs post.)

I'm not particularly conservative in a lot of ways, but I have really strong feelings about being involved with someone that smokes pot. I can't do it, and I won't do it. I won't compromise on this one. And just because someone might be in that experimental phase in life, does not make it more tempting to compromise. I wouldn't do it for someone my age or older, so why for a YM?

I'm a bit surprised that some members are encouraging Graci to compromise on something that she seems to have strong feelings about, especially when her feelings about it concern her children.

And if you think that you and/or your SO can smoke pot or use other drugs without your children knowing it, then you're in denial. They may not know exactly what's going on right this minute, but they'll put 2 and 2 together and figure it out. I did, when it came to my mom's recreational habits.