In a bind

Hi i havent posted here in several months, im 35 and my ym is 20. we are living together and have been for about 6 months. Things have been up and down, at first there was a period of adjustment, and then things were realy good for a couple of months. After that things just started to go downhill, and here is why. My bf likes to smoke pot, i dont condone the behavior anymore, did when i was younger, but am WAY past that point in my life, I asked him to keep it to a minimum, maybe 1-2 times a month, and never when my children are home. He agreed to this and then started hiding it behind my back, and doing it when I was at work, 2 times I found out, and there was HUGE fights each time, mostly about being lied to. The last one he again agreed not to it, and hasent. Now he has a new job and automatically finds himself with the temptation again, this is 1 month after our last huge fight, he had agreed to wait atleast a few months to try to build trust to get himself enrolled in school and on the right path in his life, which he hasent done. I have no trust left and him bringing this up so soon, has put me back to square 1. He says I am acting like his mother, and he should be free to do what he wants. I clearly told him that I wasnt trying to control him, that I only was stating what I would and wouldnt accept in the relationship and from a man that I am living with, I have 2 small children to think about and dont want them to have a bad influence around. Am I being to strict?? I do car about him, but am very scared that if i say its ok again once in a while his use will escalate again.
I would appreciate some input Im very confused. if I asked him to move out he would move back to Texas and the relationship would be over.

Only you know what is and isn't acceptable to you. And you have to be the judge of what you want around your children. I assume he doesn't actually smoke in front of your children.

To me, pot is not that big a deal, but to some, it's a HUGE deal. I don't smoke, but I really don't care if someone does, as long as they are not doing it every single day and it's part of their lifestyle....or using it to cope every day. Doesn't sound like this guy is...sounds like he just enjoys it now and then, like people enjoy having a beer now and then.

But again, it's YOUR life, YOUR kids, YOUR home. If you can't live with it, you can't live with it. You've already stated your boundaries, he hasn't abided by them. I think you've more or less answered your own question...it's a deal breaker for you. It seems a little harsh to me, but I'm guessing there are other things that aren't working in this relationship, or smoking pot on occasion wouldn't be such a biggie for you.

Good luck.

I see several issues here. One, a lack of respect for your boundaries. Two, a lack of respect for your roll as a mother. Three, dishonesty. Four, whether you think its a big deal or not, he has an illegal drug in your home with your kids.

Not a good combination, especially if your children are school age and one of their teachers get wind of it. Kids tend to have more of a bead on whats going on than we like to think and don't have the same ideas of discretion that we do.

Think of how this would look to an outsider: A 35 year old lady with kids brings in a pot smoking twenty year old. I know that your relationship with him is much more than just the surface view of an outsider, but that is how it would appear to a school system employee. The other thing is the lying. If he's lying about it, then I would venture that he's using it more than you think.

I hope that I don't sound harsh. Just some feedback.

DanE

Hi i havent posted here in several months, im 35 and my ym is 20. we are living together and have been for about 6 months. Things have been up and down, at first there was a period of adjustment, and then things were realy good for a couple of months. After that things just started to go downhill, and here is why. My bf likes to smoke pot, i dont condone the behavior anymore, did when i was younger, but am WAY past that point in my life, I asked him to keep it to a minimum, maybe 1-2 times a month, and never when my children are home. He agreed to this and then started hiding it behind my back, and doing it when I was at work, 2 times I found out, and there was HUGE fights each time, mostly about being lied to. The last one he again agreed not to it, and hasent. Now he has a new job and automatically finds himself with the temptation again, this is 1 month after our last huge fight, he had agreed to wait atleast a few months to try to build trust to get himself enrolled in school and on the right path in his life, which he hasent done. I have no trust left and him bringing this up so soon, has put me back to square 1. He says I am acting like his mother, and he should be free to do what he wants. I clearly told him that I wasnt trying to control him, that I only was stating what I would and wouldnt accept in the relationship and from a man that I am living with, I have 2 small children to think about and dont want them to have a bad influence around. Am I being to strict?? I do car about him, but am very scared that if i say its ok again once in a while his use will escalate again.
I would appreciate some input Im very confused. if I asked him to move out he would move back to Texas and the relationship would be over.


The way I see this situation you and your ym are at odds because of lifestyle differences. He thinks you are being parental, you say you are only stating what you want from a man. While pot smoking might not be a deal breaker for me, are you saying it is for you? It sounds like it here. I'm sorry you didn't know about this beforehand, but there it is. Lots of 20 year olds smoke pot, and this is one of the reasons dating a VYM is so hard. You have already done this stage in life, and you don't want to go back. Well, with a VYM, sometimes you have to go accept that they aren't at your experiental level. Perhaps another YM would be in order here? BTW, I don't like drug use in the least.

Ali

Leagues is right....

This is part of being with a youngster.....

I never lived with my youngster (thank god).....but his drug taking did really annoy me at times....I used to just stay detached, but the main reason it annoyed me was because when he smoked dope, he would turn into one....LoL, and I wouldn't be able to get a single 'word' out of him.......plus, it made him useless in bed.....(get the picture!!!!)

Your problem Graci's is that you will probably never be able to get him to stop smoking.....telling him it is okay 1 or 2 times a month,....is like telling a smoker to only smoke one cigarette a day.....Not going to happen!!!!!

He has to decide to stop by himself.....I can assure you that constantly smoking dope is not going to add anything to the quality of his life....therefore, the relationship will certainly suffer.......But he is 'young' and he has yet to learn this for 'Himself'....!!!

...YOU are the one that has to make the decision here, because you have chosen to be with this person....HE is just being the usual 20 year old....and we have ALL been there.....You have to make the choice.....Either you except his smoking whenever he dam well wants to (not in front of the childs of course).....

....Or, you flick him off......Theres not much else you can do really....

Putting yourself in the 'acceptance' mode makes thing far easier to deal with.....However, if the smoking is effecting the relationship.......Well, your questions have already been answered havent they :)