When the novelty wears off...

One of the earliest concerns my lady had on our relation was that she was a novelty. An attractive older lady who appealed to a younger man's sense of adventure who would later be cast aside once the novelty wore off. As the wrinkles and sagging increased, she was concerned that I would see what it truly was that I had chosen and would then kick her to the curb.

Well, she was half right. I certaintly have seen the truth of the lady I have chosen. In the two years since we began dating, her body has indeed shown signs of her age, just as she predicted. But that was not the truth that I found.

When I first fell in love with her, I was so sure that she was the lady I had dreamed about for years and years. I never dreamed of an age-gap; age simply never factored into the dream. It was the dream of a lady who was kind, loving, caring. A lady with deep spirituality and who possessed honesty and integrity. A lady who would love children and welcome friends. A lady who was serious about the things that mattered, but who was also fun, creative, and playful. I never dreamed of perfection, nor of a June Cleaver clone.

Two years later, I finally discovered the truth. She is not only the love of my dreams, but she is the love of my life. No novelty could have ever equaled the reality of how fine she truly is and my dream I had as a youth of the kind of lady I wanted is both realized and surpassed in her.

In no way do I imply that our relationship has been a nonstop syrupy sweet Halmark card with narry a conflict or or a problem. We have had our share of hills and valleys. But in seeing her in the times of conflict or disagreement, I have come to truly appreciate how wonderful and fine she really is.

So now that I have, yet again, gushed and bragged about my wonderful lady, you may be asking what the point of this thread is. Well, here it is: Each and every one of us in a long term relationship has a partner whom we love. Our partner is not always at their best. But our partner is a multifaceted person with a plethora of things to appreciate. Frequently, we get so caught up in our day to day lives that we lose track of those things, often subtle things, that made that lady or gent so special to us in the first place. All relationships face pressure from both within and without. Many different forces conspire to disrupt or even destroy our cherished relationship. An age gap relationship faces a whole host of people who will condemn it simply because of the age gap. But we fell in love our partners for who they are, not their birth years. We fell in love with them for the fine qualities they possess and the love they have for us. There are many out there who have no worthwhile dreams, so they will try to destroy yours. The point of this thread? Don't let them. Don't let others steal your dream or diminish your love for your partner.

I am in love with a lady eighteen years older than me and I can truly say that I have never experienced such a wondrous relationship. Plenty of people would fault us for loving our much older/younger partner. Just remember that none of those people are there for you when you're down. None of those people share their dreams with you and encourage you in yours. None of those people would give their dying breath for you or live their remaining years for you.... but our partners would...and do.

So, here's to our wonderful partners!!

DanE

Beautiful post Dan (yet again). I love reading your posts!

I just wanted to mention something that I've been thinking about lately. I have been seeing a wonderful OM and in talking about what we want out of a relationship the idea of cherishing your partner everyday has come up - this is what we both want to ensure never changes. I like the word, cherish, and I think this concept illustrates what can so often go wrong. We get busy, we get grumpy, whatever...and we lose that sense of cherishing the other person - even if only momentarily.

So, I can hardly call ours a long-term relationship at this point, but I can see it going in that direction. I have never felt so cherished, and have never cherished someone so much - I've never actually even thought much of the word until now, but I feel like I've realized something that I've never understood before (one of those "Oh, this is what ____ means!" moments). I hope that when the novelty wears off, that this sense of value, respect and love will never change.

Beautiful post Dan (yet again). I love reading your posts!

I just wanted to mention something that I've been thinking about lately. I have been seeing a wonderful OM and in talking about what we want out of a relationship the idea of cherishing your partner everyday has come up - this is what we both want to ensure never changes. I like the word, cherish, and I think this concept illustrates what can so often go wrong. We get busy, we get grumpy, whatever...and we lose that sense of cherishing the other person - even if only momentarily.

So, I can hardly call ours a long-term relationship at this point, but I can see it going in that direction. I have never felt so cherished, and have never cherished someone so much - I've never actually even thought much of the word until now, but I feel like I've realized something that I've never understood before (one of those "Oh, this is what ____ means!" moments). I hope that when the novelty wears off, that this sense of value, respect and love will never change.


It won't Cabin Fever...not if you're both doing your part in the relationship... :)

Wow, what a beautiful post! You are so right on many levels that alot of those here seem to forget about. Always worrying about the little thing called age when really - love has no age.

Everything that you mentioned is what remains true =) and that's all that really matters in life. All those little things that make the person who they are is what we should value and cherish and focus on because that is what makes them the person they are and the reason why we are attracted to them.

Embracing each day that we have that we can spend with them is what makes life worth living ^_^

Thankyou for a truly beautiful post.

A tear slowly rolls down my cheek. :o

What an awesome post Dan! Thanks for that. Your lady is very blessed to have you. I see you feel the same about her. VERY SPECIAL.

Yes, I do. And yes, she is very special.

DanE

Dan, I love your posts. :) My fiance and I also have an 18 year gap. When I read your posts, I hear that your gf has had some of the same thoughts I've had. And reading your thoughts on the matter help me see that it is possible for a man to truly love a woman based solely upon who she is not how she looks. I can't speak for other women, but this has been a difficult concept for me to accept because society has instilled in us women that only the more beautiful, sexier women catch the men.

Thank you for once more reminding me that true love doesn't come in any particular package. It's what's on the inside that really matters and that love is based upon the character of that person more than anything else. It's just good to hear a man say that for a change.

Novelty over time given the right amount of care, love, nurture and passion turns to an interdependent bond that only gets better and deeper with the one who makes it all worth it!

Novelty over time given the right amount of care, love, nurture and passion turns to an interdependent bond that only gets better and deeper with the one who makes it all worth it!

How true. The trick is to give the care, love, nurture, and passion, and to do that, one must realize that behind the novelty of one's new partner is a unique and special human being who most certainly transcends the novelty. Novelty is, after all, in one's own mind. Most guys don't find a lady more than half way to sixty a novelty; those men have a different novelty. It could be the novelty of a lady in a certain profession, or of a certain race.

I knew a gent in college who only dated Jewish girls. He wasn't Jewish, but for some reason, he had a thing for Jewish girls. The only problem was, once the novelty of her Jewishness became the norm, he could never look past her religious/ethnic background to see the nice lady he was with. He grew bored and sought out yet another Jewish girl. I also have had a coworker who only wanted to date bisexual girls. He had the same issues too.

DanE

Dan, I love your posts. :) My fiance and I also have an 18 year gap. When I read your posts, I hear that your gf has had some of the same thoughts I've had. And reading your thoughts on the matter help me see that it is possible for a man to truly love a woman based solely upon who she is not how she looks. I can't speak for other women, but this has been a difficult concept for me to accept because society has instilled in us women that only the more beautiful, sexier women catch the men.

Thank you for once more reminding me that true love doesn't come in any particular package. It's what's on the inside that really matters and that love is based upon the character of that person more than anything else. It's just good to hear a man say that for a change.


Thanks, and the same back at ya regarding your posts; always thoughtful and always insightful. This post raises another thought, one which I have expressed to my lady many times.

To preface, I find her to be very pleasing to behold. I have known her for about four years and have dated her for two. In that time, I have seen her age begin to show. Her body is no longer able to do some of the things it could do four years ago (such as easily get up off of the floor). Her skin has lost some of its elasticity and she has a few more sags and wrinkles than she did when I first began dating her. As her body has change, my appreciation for her beauty has increased greatly, for I continue to see it in her aging. No, she isn't as taut and youthful as a lady my own age, but I find her even more lovely now than I did when I first met her. I find her exremely sexy, and younger ladies simply don't interest me.

Now, here is the thought. I believe that in loving the person she is, in seeing the beauty of the person she is, those qualities infuse my perception of her physical appearance in a unique and special way. Also, I have truly come to appreciate her 56 year old body. Youthfulness is a special quality that all of us have for a short while. Beauty, TRUE beauty is something that I believe matures and developes over time to the point that at 56, my lady is more beautiful than she was at 36 or 26. And yes, I have seen pictures of her at those ages. Also, as a relationship grows, does it not encompass more than just the physical anyway?

DanE

Dan, I love your posts. :) My fiance and I also have an 18 year gap. When I read your posts, I hear that your gf has had some of the same thoughts I've had. And reading your thoughts on the matter help me see that it is possible for a man to truly love a woman based solely upon who she is not how she looks. I can't speak for other women, but this has been a difficult concept for me to accept because society has instilled in us women that only the more beautiful, sexier women catch the men.

Thank you for once more reminding me that true love doesn't come in any particular package. It's what's on the inside that really matters and that love is based upon the character of that person more than anything else. It's just good to hear a man say that for a change.

whiterose,

yes i can totally understand your insecurities. i don't need to be in an age gap relationship to be wondering about the same thing whenever someone shows an avid interest in me. i suppose it's just very normal to be wondering and especially in an age gap relationship, i believe those insecurities would heighten as the age gap increases.

this talk about looks just reminds me of a thread i posted long time ago about s.b. oh dear, the man ended up stalking me in church dances and other church functions. he's got looks alright. but as i thought about everything he did and said, no thanks. certainly his looks didn't dissuade me from reading over the phone the "leave me alone" note. ( oh gosh, i sure hope that he wouldn't start all over his stalking routine again a couple of months later. in fact he had been doing that for the past year. finally i got the courage to tell him to leave me alone after ignoring him sooooo many times. the dude just would not give up. ) i'm sure that the looks work the same way when a relationship does work, i.e. it doesn't determine the longevity of a relationship.

recently i've been very interested in this one guy from my church who appeared to be interested in a woman 2 decades his senior. he's a very good looking guy himself. i'm sure that she would be wondering about the same thing.

as we all know, looks alone simply would not make a relationship last. i'm sure that if your relationship lasted, then it must have been something else your man sees in you that glues him to you. i see a lot of admirable qualities in you. i'm sure that your man does too and most likely more of it.

Welcome back, nightingale. And thanks. So sorry to hear about the stalker. :(


DanE, again, a really great post. I think you have nailed what true love is all about.

Welcome back, nightingale. And thanks. So sorry to hear about the stalker. :(


DanE, again, a really great post. I think you have nailed what true love is all about.


Thanks, but I have my lady to thank for that.

DanE

What a beautiful post, Dan. Thanks.

You're welcome

DanE

Very nice post...thank you.

This site reminds me that there's love out there, and i'm happy for all those who have it.

Nightingale! Welcome back! :D

Dan, another "Wow ~ nice post" and... whoah... nice avatar! :eek: *picks self up off floor*

Happy New Year, y'all.
~phos

Nightingale! Welcome back! :D

Dan, another "Wow ~ nice post" and... whoah... nice avatar! :eek: *picks self up off floor*

Happy New Year, y'all.
~phos

Thanks, Fos, and Happy New year!

Speaking of the new year, it is always a time of introspection and goal setting. Frequently, we look back on the previous year and think of all those resolutions we didn't keep and then make new ones, only half heartedly believing we will actually achieve them.

Last year was a watershed year for me. I finally paid off the last of my debt (yea!) and began a new career. The thing that amazed me the most about last year, however, was how much closer my lady and I had become. I can't say that I have ever been this emotionally close to anyone in my life, and I had never expected such depth in our relationship at the time we started out. I must say that our continued love was the best Christmas gift that I received this year and I look forward with great anticipation to 2006. I head into this year knowing that our relationship is not a novelty, and hope to make some very concrete plans.

How does this relate to the OP? Well, novelty will not sustain a growing relationship, nor will it achieve goals and dreams, nor make new dreams. Novelty won't sustain a relationship into old age, resist the criticisms of those not friendly to age-gap relationships, and it won't sustain an age-gap relationship through the normal tribulations all relationships go through.

DanE

Dan, your lady is so very lucky to have found you. You are, indeed, a very special man and your heart is so beautiful. I do have one question, though. Do you think that in your early 20's you had as much insight into what love really is as you do now?

Dan, your lady is so very lucky to have found you. You are, indeed, a very special man and your heart is so beautiful. I do have one question, though. Do you think that in your early 20's you had as much insight into what love really is as you do now?

Thanks, Flyer. You are very kind. As for insight in my early twenties, well, you know the saying: "If I knew then what I know now...". Having said that, however, I always knew what I wanted in a lady, but by the time I met my now ex- wife, I had pretty much given up on ever finding anyone like that and figured that I was asking too much. I also knew that love between two people was to be a very special and treasured thing and that a gent must always treat a lady like an angel.

Much of my insight, as you put it, is probably closer to hindsight. After my ex-wife left my kids and I, I took a very long look at myself. I knew my ex's contribution to our breakup; it's always easy to see the other person's faults, but I also wanted to examine my own failings and shortcomings, otherwise, I'd just be bringing them into another relationship later. Also, I had become a single father, so I didn't have a lot of room for failure.

I began dating my lady about a year after my ex had left, and by then, I had sorted a good number of things out. Also, I was overjoyed to see that I had not been so foolish in my original idea of what I thought I wanted in a lady, for here she was, in the flesh, so to speak.

And what did I want? Not anything so exotic, just honesty, integrity, spirituality, and a kind, loving soul. Looks and age really were not a part of the picture; if she happened to be pretty, that was a nice bonus. I never even thought about age. As for my lady, she is all those things, and much more that I never could have dreamed up when I was a teenager. And her looks are certainly a very nice bonus. As for her age, I still don't think about that.

Yes, I do consider the eventuality that I will be taking care of her in her old age and that her old age will come upon us much sooner in our relationship than it otherwise would with a younger lady. But I am prepared for that. In all reality, a younger lady could wind up in a car accident, be paralyzed or injured to the point where I would be in the same position, or I could wind up in the same condition, putting my lady in the position of taking care of me. Also, my youth enables me to be in a far better condition to take care of her when the time comes.

A long winded response, I know, but lengthy responses are one of my character flaws :p .

DanE

I had missed this thread and am so glad I found it! Dan...I love your posts and the amazing insight you have into relationships and being proactive in making them work.

I have those same apprehensions about the aging body, the wrinkles, etc and try not to focus on them too much. My husband spends a great deal of time in showing me affection and telling me how wonderful, beautiful, special, etc I am to him. Still...there are times when those little insecurities creep in and I find myself hoping that he won't wake up one day and wonder how he ended up with a 70 year woman in his bed when he will be 50 years old with many years left before him.

Thanks for sharing your perspective. It gives me hope.

Somehow I missed this thread, too. I'm glad you found it and bumped it up, Guin.

Dan...the woman in your life is very blessed to have you. Everything you wrote is exactly how I want someone to feel about me.....somedays I wonder if that will ever happen...

**sigh**

Thanks, Trish. I really think that I'm the one who's blessed by her presence, rather than the other way around.

As for someone feeling that way about you, don't ever think it won't happen; you are most certainly a very worthwhile lady, and deserving of a fine relationship. Just don't settle for less; you're worth it, and very beautiful as well :)

DanE

I had missed this thread and am so glad I found it! Dan...I love your posts and the amazing insight you have into relationships and being proactive in making them work.

I have those same apprehensions about the aging body, the wrinkles, etc and try not to focus on them too much. My husband spends a great deal of time in showing me affection and telling me how wonderful, beautiful, special, etc I am to him. Still...there are times when those little insecurities creep in and I find myself hoping that he won't wake up one day and wonder how he ended up with a 70 year woman in his bed when he will be 50 years old with many years left before him.

Thanks for sharing your perspective. It gives me hope.

The concern about me being fifty and wondering what the heck I'm doing with a sixty eight year old lady has crossed my lady's mind many a time; still does. I don't know if it will ever fully go away, but it has diminished over time, so perhaps it will.

I think much of my perspective and insight come from having been in a failed relationship. I tried everything I could think of to rejuvenate, reinvigorate, and otherwise strengthen my relationship with my ex, but none of it worked; hard to fix things when the other partner doesn't want them fixed. In any case, having been through thirteen years of that, I have learned just how important it is to truly appreciate such a wonderful lady as the lady I am now with.

As for wrinkles and sags, I must confess that an older lady's body is far more attractive to me than a younger lady's. Nothing against guys who prefer a younger lady; just my own preference. I find that an older lady is much like a fine wine; aged, but perfected. And lets be realisic; that toned and tan younger lady is going to be an older lady one day, so like it or not, all guys wind up with an older lady eventually. And that's not a bad thing at all.

Lastly, getting back to the idea of waking up with a seventy year old, when you truly love someone, you simply see the one you love, not an "older lady" or "younger man". A lady isn't a something, but a someone, and it's the someone that you fall in love and stay in love with.

DanE

Thank You for your post Dan, That was really sweet:)

I loved your post,

Truly inspiring, a love so true is not easy to find...

Some search their whole life for something that do not belong to them.
If more could see through skin, they wouldn't need to look so far.

I send you and your loved one my positive thoughts~

Dan.....you're a very wise man.
The woman you love is very blessed.
I hope someday someone says all the same things about me and our relationship.....

Well, Trish, if they don't, then it is their loss. I've read enough of your posts to know that any man lucky enough to be in a relationship with you had darn well better appreciate you. If not, he is undeserving.

DanE

Dan, what a wonderful thread...what wonderful insights! You are BOTH lucky to have found eachother in this big, wide world and have the good sense to let yourselves fall in love and appreciate eachother.

I did write in another thread about my concerns regarding my looks, but I do now and always have believed that beauty starts from the inside and grows outward. A really mean, nasty person can't be beautiful to ANYONE, even if she's a perfect size six with a seemingly pretty face. The minute you talk to her, the fake beauty vanishes and she becomes an ugly troll.

By the same token, a person who is not a replica of Barbie, but who has a huge heart, compassion, a sense of humor, a sense of humility, the ability to unconditionally love herself and those around her, and a passion for life and all that it offers, is a shining star. It radiates around her and makes her glow, making her irresistably beautiful to anyone who has the good fortune to interact with her. A beautiful face is one with kind eyes, a warm smile, and a glow that reflects an inner joy and peace.

Dan,
Thank you for sharing your heart on the relationship. The feelings are the same for a man who is in a OM/YW relationship...my hair is turning grey, and I started wearing bifocals...there are legitimate feelings that the younger partner will leave once the novelty "wears off" of an AGR. If it was strictly out of novelty, then the relationship has no hope. But, as you have shared, one has to look beyond the physical appearance and material status and see the person for who he or she truly is...this is where the physical attraction stops and true love begins.

Thanks, Polly and WV. Polly, your last paragraph sums it all up in regards to physical beauty. WV, your last sentence does the same.

Eventually, we all lose our youthful charms and appeal, but that's just the wrapper. When you receive a gift, it isn't the wrapping paper that makes it special, no matter how wonderfully and artfully wrapped the gift is; it is what's inside the wrapping paper that counts. All that artful wrapping paper simply is removed and discarded, allowing the wonder of the present inside to become apparent.

As for Barbie, scientifically, if a gal were a perfect barbie replica, her stomach would be too small to digest her food and she'd die of starvation :eek:

DanE

As for Barbie, scientifically, if a gal were a perfect barbie replica, her stomach would be too small to digest her food and she'd die of starvation :eek:


Dan, I think this statement should go under the "Fact game" thread. LOL. :D Thanks for the laugh.

Dan, I fully agree with you about the insight we gain from our "failed" relationships in the past. I think this is what has made my BF and my relationship so easy...it flows. We have both worked hard at relationships in the past, and ultimately felt like we failed....and for both, it wasn't for lack of trying but due to lack of compatibility and lack of effort by the other partner. For us now, we know how special our relationship is and we both intend to cherish and nurture it.

hi, i loved your post and needed to read it, something solid about love.

there are hills and valleys as you rightly made mention but also it shows that you had certain needs that needed to be met on a deeply spiritual nature. as a woman i still have my many insecure moments, i share them and get reassurance but we do need to know that you guys love and want only us.

i feel this is the bond i have with adam, we will be married two years in june and as much as i was terrified of the age difference, i am 46 and he is 25, i am cherished and loved and kept in a lovely warm place in his heart.

love sometimes becomes something of the heart and at that time other physical or outer issues tend to fade away.

a kind man is hard to find a man with integrity is hard to find. i found one, and feel like i won the lottery.

wow dan what abeautiful post. you have brought tears to my eyes. my man has been away for a week working (our first time apart in over a year) and he is on his way home as we speak. i am the ow and my ym is 11 years younger. i couldnt imagine him not being in my life. what you say about your lady warms me to the heart. she is a lucky woman. and sounds as tho you are a lucky man.

I was doing some research today and landed in this forum. This post was one of the most beautiful I have read in a long time. You have overlooked the physical and understand that it's the "innerself" that is the true person. I commend you. ;o)

Okay now that I sat here and cried over that post and can see to type.
My fiance is 15 yrs younger then me, and I swear my hand to God people say he looks like Johnny Depp.
I have given birth to 4 children, am overweight to say the least and have numerous mental problems.
So imagine my suprise when at age me 34 him 18 ( when we first met) When this funny, smart, handsome hard body started hitting on me.
I was thinking to myself, ohh how sweet, and then I as like ack omg no way. Then I thought it was some kinda sick joke, so for three months he chased me.
I kept saying things like," I've got shoes older then you" and " I don't think so" finally I gave in and now 4 years later we are still going strong.
I only have one of my chilren now, (Long very very painful story) and he is the greatest Father in the world.
When we first met I was 350lbs 5'8" I had been a powerlifter but lets not kid the world, I was fat. And here he was at 145lbs 7percent body fat. So yea I thought he was insane and told him so.
His Whole family hates my guts because of the age difference. They are mean and cruel to me whenever they get the chance when he isn't around.
I once told his mom, " What is your problem lady, I make him happy, I love him unconditionally, I don't encourage him to drink, or do drugs, I encourage him to stay away from people who do, We have never messed around on each other" She didn't have an answer just walked off.
I even did the ultimate painfilled thing. I encouraged him to better himself by going into the Navy, he is now 1500miles away for the next 75weeks. We get to see him for 3 days in 99days yep counting down the days. We talk on the phone every day. Sorry rambling..
My point I was trying to make is, that even tho I've lost 110lbs now (because I wanted to) he still tells me that I'm the most beautiful, smart, funny women he has ever known and that I'm his forever.
He doesn't mind the graying hair ( I love hair color) He doesn't mind the new wrinkles showing up ( claims he doesn't see them, and oil of olay is my other favorite)
I think it takes a certain mind set to say, okay no matter what we have to go thru, no matter what happens in life, you are mine and mine alone forever.
It's not like any of us will look like we did at 20 and if you are 20 you too will age. Thank you again for shareing that, even tho it made me cry, it reminded me again that me and my fiance aren't alone in the world.

Nightingale! Welcome back! :D

Dan, another "Wow ~ nice post" and... whoah... nice avatar! :eek: *picks self up off floor*

Happy New Year, y'all.
~phos


oh gosh, not quite sure why it took so long for the notification of this thread to come to me...and it has been many posts after this one had been posted...thx fossy for the welcome!!! i'm not sure if i'm all here however :D ...

all very beautiful posts!!! they showed how alive true love is in so many hearts out there or in this forum particularly!!!

thanks danE 4 picking such a great topic!!!

NG

And even though milady and I are almost to the three year mark:D , nothing's worn off yet. Well, my nick names seem to wear off, but that's about it.

DanE