Do we overprotect?

I've been reading some recent threads, mostly by OW trying to deal with the doubts and insecurites of being in an AGR. The details vary from post to post, but the fears are all the same: will he still love me (or leave me) when my body starts to sag, and my face starts to wrinkle, and I'm not as "cute" in ten years as I am now? While all of these concerns are legitimate and real (and for some are their worst nightmare come true) I couldn't help but wonder, is it possible to be too protective of our hearts, and miss out on the love and intimacy we all crave?

After reading Dan Echo's thread, "When the novelty wears off…," I tried to imagine what if Dan's OW had given in to her fears and chose not to pursue a relationship with this amazing man? Look how much love and happiness she would have missed out on in the name of not wanting to get hurt.

So what do you guys thinks: Do we overprotect?

(I'm not sure if this belongs in "Chit Chat" or "Supprt" so I defer to the wisdom of our awesome Moderators. :) )

I think the majority of the situations don't work out, unfortunately. I've been here at Ageless long enough to have seen more heart break than happiness long term.

Now I find myself in the same situation and I know if I continue I'm going to be hurt....not deliberately but just because of the age gap.

The ones that truly work out are few and far between. Sorry.....I'm just making observations on what I've seen. And right now I'm wishing I was 20 years younger..... :(

Awww, Trishums :) you're beautiful just the age you are. Maybe you just haven't found the right one in your neck of the woods yet.

Remember my theory about "Geographics...." ?

Ah, Trish. I agree with Harrison..you are so beautiful in so many ways! You look lovely, you're a terrific & caring mum, and you have such a wise, funny nature (my favourite kind!). Its just so hard to find the right person sometimes, but you definately will! I mean if I can, anyone can.

While all of these concerns are legitimate and real (and for some are their worst nightmare come true) I couldn't help but wonder, is it possible to be too protective of our hearts, and miss out on the love and intimacy we all crave?

Yes, I agree that experience sometimes can make poeple too self protective, for sure. But experience can also give people more courage, based on the knowledge that they can get through grief in one piece and also go onto better things. Personally, I find that ageing and experience makes me more courageous, not less so, and it also makes me see the necessity for positivity.

I think maybe a lot of people age without actually learning & maturing, if that makes sense. For those who do, life gets better, not worse.

I'd say the same thing Trish. You're so beautiful. Don't think about heart breaks, enjoy the moment. In case things don't work out, you can at least look back one day and say "I didn't waste my years, what fun !!!"

I know a couple who have been together for 18 years. She's 60 and he's 45 and he still looks at her as if she was a Goddess, a beauty queen, and she IS . But I also listen to an ex-lover who tells me that I'm becoming more and more attractive as I age. He's 46 and I always thought that men chase younger women when they're in their 40-s. There are no set rules, attraction is attraction.

I'm still not sagging and I'm enjoying the moment. If in 10 years I will stop pleasing younger men, the hell with them, the ones my age will probably be over their YW phase, and they'll appreciate me again. Maybe then, I'll find a "forever" partner, but for now I'm not willing to waste my years because of my fear of ageing or sagging.

I hear my neighbour (24) who says about her boyfriend (26) "I'm forever greatful to the woman 15 years his senior, who turned him into a great, caring man and a sex bomb". So YM/OW relationships even if they won't last are valuable to both sides. What's wrong with that ? mainly good comes out of it.

I think that the conclusion that most of the relationships discussed here at AL don't work out is more a reflection of relationships overall. The simple fact is that most romantic relationships do not work out age gap, culture gap, geography gap, or no.

I think that the conclusion that most of the relationships discussed here at AL don't work out is more a reflection of relationships overall. The simple fact is that most romantic relationships do not work out age gap, culture gap, geography gap, or no.

Very insightful, Marcy!

Marcy has a point, but like racial and cultural gaps, an age gap has more obsticles to overcome and really does have more reasons for failure. Think how many never even get started for those very reasons.

But I'm already saggy, so I'm not so worried about that! If he can be attracted to me as I am now, I have no worries! LOL! But I DO remember how I THOUGHT I knew what I wanted at 23, but looking back I realize I was sad and lonely and in love with the idea of being loved and I worry that Jeremy is making the same mistake. But he isn't me. So, I just have to go one day at a time.

But I've never undestood the "sacrificing love" because of stealing his youth mentality. WTF is that? Have a little self-respect! He's BLESSED by my love the same as I am with his - even if it doesn't last. And, if it does last, no harm then, either!

…right now I'm wishing I was 20 years younger…


Oh, sweet Trish. Ya know, just the other day I tried wishing I was 20 years younger…and it just didn't work for me. :p

As I remember myself 20 years ago, the fact is I wasn't HALF the woman I am now, and I have absolutely no desire to go back to that - even if it would increase my chances of having a relationship with my crush (he probably wouldn't have liked me in my twenties anyway :rolleyes: ).

It's the women we are NOW Trish that have caught the eyes AND the hearts of the men who really want to be with us. It just a matter of finding those men…

…and I won't give up if YOU don't. ;)

Dear Trish
I feel that relationships with a large age gap can be more challenging. On the other hand, none of my other relationships have been age gap ones per se and they have failed also. I think for me I had been in a rut with my former relationship. Just recently ended in July. I forgot how to have fun and be fun myself. At this point in time I enjoy being around people who are young at heart either in age or spirit or both. It would be nice to have a long term relationship with someone who I can share my hopes and dreams and future with. But I would rather love someone with all my heart for a short time than settle for mediocre for a long time. Camelotlady

Dear Trish
I feel that relationships with a large age gap can be more challenging. On the other hand, none of my other relationships have been age gap ones per se and they have failed also. I think for me I had been in a rut with my former relationship. Just recently ended in July. I forgot how to have fun and be fun myself. At this point in time I enjoy being around people who are young at heart either in age or spirit or both. It would be nice to have a long term relationship with someone who I can share my hopes and dreams and future with. But I would rather love someone with all my heart for a short time than settle for mediocre for a long time. Camelotlady

THIS, the bolded text, struck me as somewhat profound, Camelotlady. So simple, so...obvious, yet something that I'm not sure that I've ever applied when considering another YM/OW relationship. (Failed...ended...same concept in this context.)

Most of your post applies to me, CL, except the last sentence. I'm struggling with this one.

I guess part of me feels like being willing to settle for short-term (or settle for anything less than what I want in my life) means that short-term (or less than...) is what will come into my life. Call it visualization, self-fulfilling prophecy, whatever.

One of my all-time favorite comic strips, a yellowing copy of which I have still in an unpacked box here somewhere that's probably close 15 years old (???), is an old Calvin & Hobbes strip where Calvin shakes his fist at the world and states:

"That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!" -Calvin, Calvin&Hobbes

Just above the picture of Calvin is an arrow pointing to him, followed by my first name.

I think that the conclusion that most of the relationships discussed here at AL don't work out is more a reflection of relationships overall. The simple fact is that most romantic relationships do not work out age gap, culture gap, geography gap, or no.

I just wanted to second that.

Plus, this board is used a lot by people who are having problems... look at all of the posts on thise section of it and their titles for proof of that. Yes, a lot of the relationships fail, but then a lot of people also stop posting once they've got to grips with it and don't need any advice anymore. We can't say that their relationships have 'failed'.

Where's Flyer btw, I remember that she was an example of someone whose relationship had lasted. I think we need more posts about the positive sides of these relationships. I'm starting to wonder what an ow coming on here worrying about being attracted/involved with a ym is actually going to get from it when she reads that they 'hardly ever work out', etc, etc. I mean, isn't this site supposed to be about the fact it's possible and not the opposite? Honestly, I can't imagine what my gf would have thought if she had found this place at the start of our relationship... she was already worried enough without heaping a whole load of more negatives on top of it. I'm not saying we shouldn't be realistic and can't point out that it CAN be difficult sometimes, but I see a lot more of pointing that out than pointing out that it can WORK OUT.

Sorry, had to get that off my chest.

I think that the conclusion that most of the relationships discussed here at AL don't work out is more a reflection of relationships overall. The simple fact is that most romantic relationships do not work out age gap, culture gap, geography gap, or no.


This is a pretty depressing thought.

Now I find myself in the same situation and I know if I continue I'm going to be hurt....not deliberately but just because of the age gap.

The ones that truly work out are few and far between. Sorry.....I'm just making observations on what I've seen. And right now I'm wishing I was 20 years younger.....

Trish, I hear you! I think about this a lot, and more so these last few weeks. I would wish for even 10 years younger! We have a 23 year age gap.

My YM just started in new job and is surrounded by younger women. Some of them quite pretty, he says. To his credit, he went out with his team for a weekly get-together, where he told them he was involved with someone who was quite a bit older. This is the first time he has ever been so public about us! I could feel his excitement as he told me that the group seemed accepting. He thinks these are people we could publicly socialize with. On the other hand, its a little threatening because a little voice whispers "Its only a matter of time." I'm 1200 miles away.

Remember my theory about "Geographics...." ?

Harrison, what is this theory?

Oh, Miss Divine, where do I begin???

Overprotection is an impulse reaction among us. Now I say, "Don't guard your heart, but go in with eyes wide open!!!"

He may change his mind, after seemingly blissful YEARS together, and without good reason. Buyer beware.

I was talking to my ex ym today, and asked him why he had given up on us, and he said, "Because you aren't "it" for me." I said, "YOU proposed marriage to me! WHY, after SIX YEARS, am I not "it" for you???" and he said, "I don't know." The infinite wisdom of a younger man.

Find a man of character, younger or older, who seems able to commit and willing to go the distance. Find a man in the same stage of life. Find a man who wants the same things in life that you do. Find a man who wants to reciprocate love and affection, and share in household and financial duties. Find a man who closes his eyes dreaming about you, and wakes up smiling because you're by his side.

This is true love. This is what we all deserve. Do we need to protect ourselves against it? NO! Because the man we are with gives 150% just like we do! How about this mantra?....LET'S NOT EVER SETTLE!!! :)

Can you actually protect a heart?

Imagine this: You meet a fun and smart guy in a chat room and you strike a friendship with him, pretty sure that it will be meaningless, beacause he is just a kid, and it is just an internet friendship anyways.

You have been infatuated on the net before and grown bored in a few weeks, no worries here, he is just one of many.

Then one weekend he does not sign in and you realize that the sky is not blue, that the grass is not green, that the earth is not round, and that life is all wrong if he is not around. When he comes back you feel such a joy that all you can say to yourself is "Dam, have I fallen in love??!!"

By the time I thought of building walls and moats the invader was already in the courtyard of my castle.

…I think we need more posts about the positive sides of these relationships…I mean, isn't this site supposed to be about the fact it's possible and not the opposite?
…I'm not saying we shouldn't be realistic and can't point out that it CAN be difficult sometimes, but I see a lot more of pointing that out than pointing out that it can WORK OUT.

Great observation Rob.

I think that more than anything this site is about showing that AGRs are really no different than other relationships. They may be unconventional with their own unique set of challenges, but they have all of the same ups and downs, and joys and sorrows typical of all relationships. And most importantly, despite their unique challenges, they CAN work long term when we're willing to work at it.

I feel like I am at a crossroads myself right now, and this thread really hits home.

The YM I am interested in (my dance teacher, age 24, I'm 46) has come back from out of town. We had an amazing conversation in a jazz club about religion, mystical experiences, marriage, our lives, etc. I am almost shocked by his maturity and the amount of empathy that I feel with him - that feeling that we are on the same wavelength.

But the thing that made me panic a bit was him talking about the trouble he was having "finding the right girl" because it made it seem he was interested in settling down. Since I still can't bring myself to believe that a YM/OW relationship could be "forever," I couldn't imagine myself being this "girl." A fling, maybe. But he doesn't seem to be interested in having flings at the moment.

Although we are growing closer each time we meet, the cards are not yet on the table that I am pursuing him, and I don't know whether he is interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with me, although I do know that he is attracted to me physically, emotionally, and intellectually. He did ask me to go to a poetry club with him, but then later he asked if I minded if he asked some friends along. So that seemed to water it down some as a "date."

So the short and the long of it is I am more and more attracted to him, and yet at the same time more and more afraid of what would happen if we did embark on a relationship, and the pain that might ensue. That being said, I realize that my longest relationship has only been 7 years (my marriage), and perhaps I am not destined to have a "forever" relationship. But I am so crazy about this guy, and I remember the searing pain I endured after breaking up with the person I once considered the great love of my life, that I am really torn in two with indecision, fear and joy.

I agree with some of the posters that we only live once and need to enjoy life while we can, so I would probably take the plunge of a relationship with him even with the fear, if the opportunity arose.

I would be interested in knowing how those of you in AGR's overcame your fears, and also whether some of you backed off from a relationship because of them, and whether in hindsight you thought you took the right course or not.

I would be interested in knowing how those of you in AGR's overcame your fears, and also whether some of you backed off from a relationship because of them, and whether in hindsight you thought you took the right course or not.

Well, the first time I met my gf, it was clear that there was something between us, but I backed off. The reason I did that was not because of her age, but because of the situation she was in and the distance between us (she lives in the US, me in the UK). So I actually told her that I couldn't get involved because I knew I would get hurt. Then what happened is that she wrote me a poem, and that poem said everything I needed to hear about how she felt... and then I realised it was worth taking the risk.

So, initially I took the wrong course, but I came to my senses. Luckily I got a second chance. :)

Can you actually protect a heart?

Imagine this: You meet a fun and smart guy in a chat room and you strike a friendship with him, pretty sure that it will be meaningless, beacause he is just a kid, and it is just an internet friendship anyways.

You have been infatuated on the net before and grown bored in a few weeks, no worries here, he is just one of many.

Then one weekend he does not sign in and you realize that the sky is not blue, that the grass is not green, that the earth is not round, and that life is all wrong if he is not around. When he comes back you feel such a joy that all you can say to yourself is "Dam, have I fallen in love??!!"

By the time I thought of building walls and moats the invader was already in the courtyard of my castle.


lol, so true =(

Yes, we do overprotect but I think to a certain point where it just happens that we fall for them so hard or that we want to take down that wall because we want to put faith in them and give them a chance with our heart.

I always try to protect my heart but it never works out for me. Every time I let someone in, it turns up heartbroken in the end :( That is how my last relationship somewhat started out - he pursued me and I told him I wasn't interested at first because I had just gotten over a heartbreak and I was very leary about another one. He helped me through it by showing me a new light.

He of course was younger than me and when I first found out about his age I persisted ((persisted to the point that it upset him that I was pushing him away)) to him that he should go out with girls his age - he always replied back that I was his only one and that forever I would be his one and only love. He'd never let go of me and would keep me forever. He made lots of promises to me that sounded so good and comforting that I wanted to let down my guard and believe in him wholeheartedly .... As I slowly let him into my heart more and started to protect it alittle less yearning to believe in his words and his promises that I fell in love with him and my love and my life turned into this rollercoaster that just couldn't stop.

He pursued me for months we talked alot and both fell for eachother. Everyday being in eachothers lives that we talked of making it more permanent in our futures. He started school in the late fall and I noticed he started to become alot more distant with me then he had before. I knew something was starting to go wrong and could kind of feel it - but I refused to believe it when he started to somewhat tell me that he wanted to let other girls in... I was going frantic thinking about how my life was going to become meaningless without him in it, nothing to look forward to anymore without him...all this happiness that he brought me - so much joy from all his love and to see it start slipping away...

I decided to take our future plans of really being together ((it was a long distance relationship)) that we had once talked about and picked up and moved myself closer to him. I left my family and moved 18 hours away because I wanted to see him for real, hug him, show him my love. I wanted to see for my own eyes that he really didn't want me anymore. I didn't want to lose him and had hoped that my presence being around would help our relationship ... but it didn't. He was happy to see me for about a week or two our time together was magical like me floating on the air and then he dropped the bomb that he and a girl at his school were officially "boyfriend & girlfriend" and he wanted to give her benefits of being with him and that he only wanted friendship from me for now on .... and there was nothing I could do about it...

I'd say the same thing Trish. You're so beautiful. Don't think about heart breaks, enjoy the moment. In case things don't work out, you can at least look back one day and say "I didn't waste my years, what fun !!!"

I know a couple who have been together for 18 years. She's 60 and he's 45 and he still looks at her as if she was a Goddess, a beauty queen, and she IS . But I also listen to an ex-lover who tells me that I'm becoming more and more attractive as I age. He's 46 and I always thought that men chase younger women when they're in their 40-s. There are no set rules, attraction is attraction.

I'm still not sagging and I'm enjoying the moment. If in 10 years I will stop pleasing younger men, the hell with them, the ones my age will probably be over their YW phase, and they'll appreciate me again. Maybe then, I'll find a "forever" partner, but for now I'm not willing to waste my years because of my fear of ageing or sagging.

I hear my neighbour (24) who says about her boyfriend (26) "I'm forever greatful to the woman 15 years his senior, who turned him into a great, caring man and a sex bomb". So YM/OW relationships even if they won't last are valuable to both sides. What's wrong with that ? mainly good comes out of it.
This is such a fabulous post.

Yes, we do overprotect but I think to a certain point where it just happens that we fall for them so hard or that we want to take down that wall because we want to put faith in them and give them a chance with our heart.

I always try to protect my heart but it never works out for me. Every time I let someone in, it turns up heartbroken in the end :( That is how my last relationship somewhat started out - he pursued me and I told him I wasn't interested at first because I had just gotten over a heartbreak and I was very leary about another one. He helped me through it by showing me a new light.

He of course was younger than me and when I first found out about his age I persisted ((persisted to the point that it upset him that I was pushing him away)) to him that he should go out with girls his age - he always replied back that I was his only one and that forever I would be his one and only love. He'd never let go of me and would keep me forever. He made lots of promises to me that sounded so good and comforting that I wanted to let down my guard and believe in him wholeheartedly .... As I slowly let him into my heart more and started to protect it alittle less yearning to believe in his words and his promises that I fell so much in love with him and my love and my life turned into this rollercoaster that just couldn't stop.

He pursued me for months we talked so much and both really fell for eachother. Everyday being in eachothers lives that we talked of making it more permanent in our futures. He started school in the late fall and I noticed he started to become alot more distant with me then he had before. I knew something was starting to go wrong and could kind of feel it - but I refused to believe it when he started to somewhat tell me that he wanted to let other girls in... I was going frantic thinking about how my life was going to become meaningless without him in it, nothing to look forward to anymore without him...all this happiness that he brought me - so much joy from all his love and to see it start slipping away...

I decided to take our future plans of really being together ((it was a long distance relationship)) that we had once talked about and picked up and moved myself closer to him. I left my family and moved 18 hours away because I wanted to see him for real, hug him, show him my love. I wanted to see for my own eyes that he really didn't want me anymore. I didn't want to lose him and had hoped that my presence being around would help our relationship ... but it didn't. He was happy to see me for about a week or two our time together was magical like me floating on the air and then he dropped the bomb that he and a girl at his school were officially "boyfriend & girlfriend" and he wanted to give her benefits of being with him and that he only wanted friendship from me for now on .... and there was nothing I could do about it... :( broken again...


I'm so sorry you find yourself in this painful place, Jewel. I know what it is to open your heart so reluctantly only to have your worst fears realized, and I feel for you.

Life is hard on the human heart - there's no question about that - and yet I continue to be amazed at how resilient our hearts are. So many of us have gone to hell and back in relationships, only to survive the devastation and live to love again. It's so easy to believe, in the wake of initial heartbreak, that we'll never open ourselves to that kind of hurt again, and yet we do. Why? Are we all closet masochist, who live for the pain? Or is that the alternative - shutting down our emotions and keeping love out so that that hurt can't get in - is more frightening, more lonely, and ultimately more painful than allowing ourselves to heal, and take our chances with love.

Forgive me if I sound trite - it's just that I also struggle with when and how much to open my heart. I don't enjoy the prospect of having it broken yet again, but locking away my heart in the name of protecting it isn't an option for me either. I'm not quite ready to throw all caution to the winds, but I know that should the time come and I met a man (whether older of younger) worth getting to know, I'll take my chances and hope for the best - just like I always do.