Marley 12-09-2005, 07:47 AM l don't know where to start.l am a 29yr. old man (YM).l met this lovely bubbly woman,she looks as if she Is 21yrs old.We met in a pentecoastal church (Spiritual thang),we were first friends and we bonded well together.We are totally opposites.She's an extrovert and i'm not.We just clicked like fire!!!l was shocked to hear that she was (42yrs).12 years older than me!!!l tried to block her out of my life,but couldn't.We began to date,and it just felt like she was my better half.(She admits the feeling was mutual).We are both strong christians and we were planning to get engaged,an then married within the following 4-6 months.Those who really live the life of christianity know that pre-marital sex is a no-no,but we found each other within a month in bed almost all the time,and she always wanting to be with me.She has a son (18)yrs old,and she never got married.She actually told me that marriage before was never in her mind,until l came along and blew her mind.(l thought that this was another female fib,trying to not seem too desperate for marriage),but when we went to look for the engagement rings from DeBeers to Tiffanys, she honestly and genuinely didn't know the names of the RED Stone,Green Stone e.t.c.Well when l announced to my family they were all in shock and cannot take it,even my fellow peer females.All of a sudden there are females paying more attention towards me,which they've never shown.My family have requested that the engagement ceremony not go on with my Churches pastor.This has really stressed my boo (OW),and she has lately being having tremendous mood swings of anger and frustration towards me.Something that is totally unlike her.She has lately become commanding,and sometimes try to say that i'm immature e.t.c. all this has arose from my family and people who have been sticking their nose into our business.The worse was that the church congregation also started rumours that she was a **** within the ministry.l almost believed them,but saw that it was false accusations,especially when she had a nervous break and went into hospital.That is when all things changed.l feel a liitle bit guilty because before l came into her life,she had no problems.Please help -S.O.S.
kindanice 12-09-2005, 08:05 AM Oh Lordy! Marley...I hate to say it but those Penecostal church ppl can be the worst for judging. I speak from great experience. (Not all Penecostals, I dont want to step on toes ;) ). I was raised with Penecostal grandparents. There is the new Word of Faith kind now. 'Course all denominations and churches and affiliations have judgemental ppl too, as well as a variety of personalities. So is the world! It takes all kinds. It is a shame they are talking about your OW at the church...shame, shame. Unfortunately if you and she want to make a go of it, you will have to stick together like glue and turn a deaf ear to ignorance!!! And I mean, get away from ppl who are so belligerent about the situation.
I expect your OW is acting differently because of all the added stresses. I could only imagine. I dont know why she is calling you immature though. That cant be good. I am sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you and she need to have a heart to heart without others opinions and see where it can go from here. Blessings to ya.
kathyw 12-09-2005, 08:13 AM Oh Lordy! Marley...I hate to say it but those Penecostal church ppl can be the worst for judging. I speak from great experience. (Not all Penecostals, I dont want to step on toes ;) ). I was raised with Penecostal grandparents. There is the new Word of Faith kind now. It is a shame they are talking about your OW at the church...shame, shame. Unfortunately if you and she want to make a go of it, you will have to stick together like glue and turn a deaf ear to ignorance!!! And I mean, get away from ppl who are so belligerent about the situation.
I expect your OW is acting differently because of all the added stresses. I could only imagine. I dont know why she is calling you immature though. That cant be good. I am sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you and she need to have a heart to heart without others opinions and see where it can go from here. Blessings to ya.
I agree...she may be calling you immature due to the fact that she is totally frustrated with the gossip and hearsay of the many judgemental onlookers...not to mention...you have NO idea of what they may have or may currently be saying to her when you're not around...give her a break...and yes, time to get away from people who can't or won't accept your relationship. As an adult..we make our own decisions...everyone around us does not always agree with those decisions...it's best to use your own judgement...as people can be very petty sometimes (especially when they are jealous) ...good luck to you!
;) :)
Camelotlady 12-09-2005, 08:19 AM Dear Marley
It is time to think outside the box and don't let others run your life. They are not you or your girlfriend. I feel what you should do is try to stay away from those who are negative with this relationship and have quiet time with yourself and your girlfriend to sort this out. It is one thing to have family and friends give advice if it is asked for and you seek it out. It is quite another to have family and friends give unsolicited advice. Camelotlady
legallyblonde 12-09-2005, 08:51 AM Your church and family members are misguided in judging your fiance-to-be so harshly. I think it's time to take a break from them, by letting them know that this is the woman you want to marry, and that you will do so.
Happy Holidays!
Ali
AngelSoft 12-09-2005, 09:13 AM l feel a liitle bit guilty because before l came into her life,she had no problems.Please help -S.O.S.
Marley - you shouldn't be feeling guilty for this. Guilt is one of those feelings that will bring you down and just add more complications. EVERYONE has problems - her ability or inability to cope with this kind of stress doesn't come from you, it comes from within her. You can be there for her, but don't hold the blame on yourself because she is not coping well.
I don't know how long ago you met - but don't rush into anything. Especially because of pressure from your church, family or peers. Give it time and get married because it's right for you - not because it's the "right" thing to do.
divine_ms_m 12-09-2005, 09:28 AM …when l announced to my family they were all in shock and cannot take it,even my fellow peer females…
…My family have requested that the engagement ceremony not go on with my Churches pastor. This has really stressed my boo (OW),and she has lately being having tremendous mood swings of anger and frustration towards me…
…the church congregation also started rumours that she was a **** within the ministry.l almost believed them,but saw that it was false accusations…
Not to sound callous, but as I look at this situation from her perspective I think her charge of immaturity on your part is justified.
Your family is "making requests" (we both know that relatives who "got the Holy Ghost" don't "request," they speak for God :rolleyes: ) and church folks are gossiping, and what has been YOUR response to all of this? It doesn't sound like you've done much to stand up to your family, and you admit you "almost believed" the gossip! :eek: How is this woman suppose to trust you to stand with her in life, if she can't trust you to stand with her against petty, mean-spirited, church folk? (By the way, I am Pentecostal and I've been around church folks my WHOLE life, so I know where of I speak.)
I think it's high time you took a stand for the woman you love and for your relationship. Your family needs to see you be a man about this so that hopefully they'll stop treating you like a boy. As for your church family…well…personally I think your "nest is being stirred." The environment is clearly a very toxic one (bearing false witness is strictly FORBIDDEN by Scripture - HELLO?!), and not a healthy place to begin your married life. In a word, I think God's tryin' ta tell ya somethin', like…TIME TO MOVE ON!!
Having said all that, I must say I find it hard to believe that your fiancée had NO history of problems that would lead to a nervous breakdown prior to these events. Yes, church folks can be nerve-racking, but if she's had an actual nervous breakdown that required hospitalizaton, then ALL of the issues that lead to that need to be explored before you move forward with wedding plans. Remember, you're not just taking on a person, but everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING) that comes with that person. You need to make sure that that's what you want.
All the best to you my brother, and keep us posted.
kindanice 12-09-2005, 09:48 AM [QUOTE=divine_ms_m]
... (we both know that relatives who "got the Holy Ghost" don't "request," they speak for God :rolleyes: ) ...
...The environment is clearly a very toxic one (bearing false witness is strictly FORBIDDEN by Scripture - HELLO?!), and not a healthy place to begin your married life. In a word, I think God's tryin' ta tell ya somethin', like…TIME TO MOVE ON!!.../QUOTE]
Oh Lawd!!! divine_ms_m. SO TRUE...hehe
But anyway, Marley, great advice, TIME TO MOVE ON!!! Get away from those that are given' ya a hard time.
Bella_D 12-09-2005, 01:15 PM Marley, welcome to ageless, and congratulations on finding a great woman !
My little brother is 32, and he also met his wife, 56, through the Pentacostal church. They are both pastors and each are well respected amongst their peers. She has two sons in their twenties , and a grandson who is 2.
Their wedding was last month and I've never seen my little brother so happy, and so proud!! The ceremony was so full of love and all the guests from the church were kind, friendly poeple. Two of their friends from the church wrote and performed the wedding cermemony music themselves, with vocals, a violin, and guitar....kind of a Celtic flavour...I burst into tears all throughout the ceremony, it was so beautiful!
A lot of people, particularly certain family members on her side, refused to attend the wedding or offer their support. Marley, I think this just happens in non-conventional relationship...some people put the happiness of their friends first, and others put convention first.
In your position, you have to stick by your lady, and you have to learn to let go of wanting to keep those other girls and non-supportive friends happy, because you can't. They are not your friends, becasue if they were they wouldn't be so jealous of the love you have found.
From what I've seen of the pentacostal church, the community can be really supportive. Is there another church community in your area, or is this the only one?
kittylane 12-09-2005, 01:46 PM well....W.W.J.D.
hummm. being a Christian has perks, like the fact that we dont or try not to jump into bed with many partners, sometimes people get so caught up with other people's sex lives that they take away from the major message, treat others as Jesus would.
when sex comes into the picture, logic usually flys out the window and that is the case with all denominations.
if you love this woman treat her as Christ wants her to be treated, he wants her cherished and treasured as she is His princess.
if you both have fallen in love the age gap is not that large to begin with, my husband and i are holy rollers.... only kiddin, we are Christians and it has brought us so close, its my secret weapon in this world, when i get out of sorts i run fast back to my faith cause i sure dont want to loose this marriage. i am 46 and he is 25. My husband told his family to pound sand, either accept me or forget about him, he made it REAL clear that I was his family now. they know one nasty word and he is outa there, he was raised as a Jew and converted to being Christian, it works for us cause we love our Jewish roots, as a follower of Jesus, its hard not to feel a little Jewish.
anywho..... how does Jesus expect husbands to treat their wives? you know the answer, time to take it to the father and pray on this.
kittylane 12-09-2005, 03:14 PM one thing in your post gave me a thought to ponder... "for those who really live the Christian life, premaritial sex is a no-no."
First, living a Christian life is a daily thing that we have to work at we never are gonna get it perfect so go ahead and forgive yourself, more importantly, sex is God's creation and is meant to be enjoyed by a married couple. with that being said i will tell you that i was intimate with my husband before we got married and still consider myself 100% Christian.
if you "LOVE" this woman and intend to be head of the household then you need to take the bulls by the horn on this one, if this woman is truly your future wife, you need to make sure you are man enough for the job and that means protecting her at least from your so called friends who think they know better than God who is right for you.
I cannot imagine being married to anyone else, I love Jesus with all my heart, I need other Christians to talk too when i get depressed or confused, what i have found out is that there are no perfect people, There was only one and we made a mess of it where He was concerned.
Rozie 12-09-2005, 03:32 PM Marley, this is tough one and I will admit I don't have anwers for you. But as I read this, several questions came to my mind. Sometimes we have to come up with the questions, before the answers are clear, so I'm gonna lay these out. Maybe your answer will come through consideration of these points:
1) How long have you been a couple? Long enough that you have a track record that reassures your family? Long enough for them to appreciate that this is something more than infatuation? I personally believe that when a partner is the right one, you don't need a lengthy courtship, but it does give family a chance to become acquainted and form some impression about your intended. You can't ask for acceptance without them knowing what it is they are accepting of. You didn't say how long you have been together.
2) Does your family or church know about the premarital sex? Is this something you both chose to do of your own free will, knowing that it was outside of the teachings of your family and church? If so, then how do you feel about that decision now? It really is no surprize that these people would be upset by such a decision, but it does surprize me that NOW you want their approval.
3) How do you know she had no problems before you came along? I am not saying the gossip is true, appropriate or warranted, but a woman who has had a nervous breakdown is NOT a woman who has never had problems. It might make it very clear why she is acting this way, if you could know what her past problems were. It may be this "past" that has the church and family in the uproar.
4) How do you feel about her now? In light of all this stress has it changed your comittment to her? Are you willing or able to stand up for her in the face of family, friends and church gossips? Are you willing or able to say you don't care about her past or what they think of her or the relationship? Decide these things now, because to enter into marriage without a clear understanding of what you really are able to give her, would be nothing short of disastrous. Personally, I think love should be unconditional. Maybe you need to consider leaving your church; maybe you need to take a public stand in her behalf. I don't know, but you do have to be sure where you stand. SHE has to know where you stand!
special K 12-09-2005, 03:59 PM Marley,
I agree with the other ladies who have said that it's time for you step up to the plate and take a stand for your relationship and the integrity of your wonderful ow, or it's doomed.
I also understand the fact that your OW was hospitalized briefly for a nervous breakdown. I was in love with a younger man while still legally married (but separated, yet sharing the same home for child/financial reasons, etc.). My ym and I were both Christians (still am :) )...my then-legal-husband was the "worship leader" in our church.
My ym's family hated me and pressued him constantly to "get away from her". They are members of a religious cult, and he left of his own volition when he was 16 realizing that their church was "craziness" (his words). Even still, with all the odds against us, we were together for almost 4 years..why? because I know we truly loved each other deeply. But, in the end, my ym's family pressure escalated to the ridiculous level (parents having their own religious cult leaders' "intervention-type sessions" with him....hiring him in the family business to have more brain-washing power over him *he did NOT want to work for them, but stupidly, I encouraged it at first hoping he'd build a better relationship with his folks*...and finally=buying him "gifts" ~lap top, software, furniture~ only IF he left me, etc....).
Rumors were circulating in my little town, started in my now "old church" (I left when the pastor counseled my then-husband to hurry with our divorce siting "adultry" on my end...so my husband could immediately marry his worship music co-leader and resume his "ministry" without me....I was labeled the "----" :( ). My ex remarried in nine weeks...."adultery" only on my end?? Hmmmmm..
Family pressure, rumors, my business suffering from all the crap, the divorce, my sons being swayed by their father to think I was crap, my father being diagnosed with colon cancer......and then my YM walking out at the height of it all.....I really don't know HOW I avoided a nervous breakdown!!! I went to therapy, cried 24-7, clung to the smallest pieces of hope I had back then (God's grace, the unconditional love of my REAL friends, etc.).
When your faith and church have been an integral part of your life for a long time, being "shunned" and gossiped about by them as well as other stresses CAN cause HUGE psychological/emotional consequences.
Please, if you truly love this woman, take her hand and stand tall together. Speak truth of your love and comittment to the naysayers, and move forward. Avoid those who are negative, make new friends that love you and her for yourselves. Have the fortitude and integrity she needs from you right now to show you love her.
Twelve years is a SMALL age difference....mine and my ym's was 24 years (me: 43, him:almost 19 when our long time friendship evolved to more)...many here who truly love their partners are 15+....for your family to have such issues with that small of a gap, especially when your are 29 and she is SO YOUNG at only 42 just seems lame to me. They want control....don't be like my exym and give it to them.
Do the right thing from here. And if you can't commit in the face of criticism, then be kind and let your ow go to find a man who will.
Peace to you,
Karen
Bella_D 12-09-2005, 04:08 PM I personally believe that when a partner is the right one, you don't need a lengthy courtship, but it does give family a chance to become acquainted and form some impression about your intended. You can't ask for acceptance without them knowing what it is they are accepting of. You didn't say how long you have been together.
My little brother and his wife were engaged for less than a year, and none of our family met her until the weekend of their wedding.
We accepted his decision because we respect him and respect that its his decision to make. All we care about his his happiness, so it doesn't matter what WE think of her, all that matters is what HE thinks. We're not marrying the lady, afterall.
Anyway she turned out to be a gem.....but the main thing is seeing the joy on my brother's face when he's around her.
Rozie 12-09-2005, 04:19 PM Good point Bella! And that's the way I think it should be, but in most families I don't think that is the case. :(
yellowrose 12-11-2005, 10:13 AM I personally believe that when a partner is the right one, you don't need a lengthy courtship But what about when I thought I did not need a long courtship only to pay the price later of not waiting long enough to see what his character defects were? We all have them, but some are more crucial than others. :confused:
All of a sudden there are females paying more attention toward me,which they've never shown I am not sure why you put this in your post. Would you elaborate?
I have found that it is not the WHOLE CHURCH that is vocal and maybe judgmental. It is usually a select few. My son went through the same thing at his Episcopalian church when he was going to move in with the Sunday School teacher. He was planning on asking her to marry him at 6 months. The priest said that if they lived together, she could not teach Sunday School as she would not be a good example for the children. It really ended up breaking them up... so sad.
May advice would be to change churches and attend together. Don't share the details of your relationship with anyone there yet. Take time to really get to know one another before getting engaged. Good luck! :)
SoraNoYume 12-11-2005, 03:08 PM Hmmm... I'm pentacostal!
Now......members in your congregation are being judgemental......
Seems to me someone is not reading their bible........hehe
Look.........all you gotta say to them is......."I prayed over this, God showed me that this is what He desires for me"..........
And.......viola, no more pentacostals passing judgment on you...........cause how can hey go against........1. Praying over it. 2. God spoke to you!
but seriously...........I always find myself praying over things, and He does guide me and show me what is right for me.........
take it to the lord in prayer.........close your ears to the outsiders and listen only to your heart.....God speaks to our hearts always........Listen to the inner man always.
And, no where in the bible is there condemnation against an age gap relationship......no where.........so don't let members of this congregation "guilt" you out of a relationship that may truly be sent from above......
Keep the faith........
Love,
sora
Marley 12-12-2005, 02:46 PM w
Well I'm REALLY GLAD for the support i'm getting from y'all.Its GOOD to know that some of you understand this CHRSITIAN and Pentecastal thing.How l came in touch with my O.W.Was that we were both in the choir for about 1 1/2yrs.l had a heavenly revelation,in March 1993,when l saw a face of woman,and the other 3 faces weren't clear. About 10 years later,l saw this woman(O.W),and it turned to be the face of the woman l saw!!!l tried to deny this,i've recently came into the Pentecostal church,and found the holy spirit.l mean i'm an engineer by profession who was born and raised by the Jesuits.(Pray in latin -the pope style)!!!So all this is new to me.To make it was i am a Pastor-In-Training,recently ordained,so its not that SIMPLE!!!We went to the Senior Pastor-Who is a Prophet (He truly is one),and he told us, that our marriage life will be peaceful,no problems.She is a very Annointed Singer,when she praises and worships -The Heavens OPEN!!!The congregation really gets "SLAIN".In the Spirit world we both have realised that weboth know that we've gone down.Somehow the Senior Pastor we know knows 'what we were doing',because she called him in HOSPITAL to confess her sins e.t.c. It was really Bad,she was in a BAD State, thanx to the Lord she's out of hospital.Our church is known to have DESTROYERS of marriage.75% leave the ministry,because of people,some say that there are big time Sorcerers there!!l didn't believe it until we went through this,but i'm still using my rationale scientific mind to balance things.Well we've thought of putting engagement on hold,whilst she gets better.We are practically STAYING TOGETHER.Although its not official,and i'm beginning to help with the Bills!!!!lSo you can now see the picture.But she is still stressed out.That bubbly character of hers has disappeared,and she always wants confirmation of my love for her in front of her close friend.
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