Is this a RED FLAG?

A 34 yr/old professional man emailed me a couple of months ago when he saw my profile on a dating site. He lives 2 states away. He said my profile caught his eye not only because he liked it, but because I happen to live where his parents live in the winter.

We emailed back and forth casually for a month, then I gave him my cell, and he's been calling and emailing a bit, not excessively...just right actually. He seems like a good, straight up kind of guy, he's in the same industry as me (health care) and we have commonalities. It's not some hugely romantic thing; I think we both just would like to go to dinner when he is down here, which is supposed to be this month, and see what happens. I like that he hasn't been pushy at all. He seems genuine.

Today when he called, he said he wanted to be totally up front about the fact that he was going to tell his mother and father something fabricated about where he was going when he meets me for dinner. He told me a bit about his mom (age 67) and that she would freak out if he told her he was going to meet someone he met from the Internet. He said that down the road, if things develop, he would tell her I was someone he met somehow, somewhere.

I guess I'm a little sensitive about this issue because of NEVER being introduced to former YM's parents in 4 years, but I also think it's weird that you have to lie to your parents when you're 34 yrs old. But I suppose there probably is a stigma associated with the Internet if you're in your 60's. He said his dad couldn't care less, but his mom is the problem.

Does this sound okay to you guys? I'm just really trying to take care of myself these days.

Feedback please.

To be honest, at his age I don't think he owes his parents an explanation of who he is dating, where he is having supper or whom with, whether he goes to play hockey with street kids or has a cigar in a fancy strip club.

It sounds to me more like he's trying to make excuses in advance to avoid being asked by you to meet his folks--perhaps he's had a bad experience in the past of being pushed to meet the folks before he was ready--and I wouldn't think much of it, myself.

I think it's too early to draw any conclusions from that...except that he doesn't have a problem with "fabricating" things. ...which personally, I wouldn't like.

No red flag on this one... I don't think its a big deal. He is being completely upfront with you, which I think is kinda cool.

/edited to add: My sister and her hubby met thru a dating service. I think I might be the only person on the planet (beside them and the dating service employees ;)) that knows this. They told everyone that they met thru friends. They were embarassed. They have been happily married for more than 10 years with a couple of darling kids. I think they are entitled to their privacy. It is a question that people *WILL* ask... and they can give whatever answer they want... why not?

Kat, I wouldn't read too much into it. My parents are in their early fifties and they are still freaked out about the people I meet on the internet. They do have a valid concern considering I met my ex-husband online and he turned out to be not what he portrayed himself to be. They aren't excessively crazy about the fact that I met my YM online either, but they are slowly getting used to this internet thing.

I think it's a good sign that he told you upfront. He's being honest. I don't think it's that he's hiding you, but just the internet thing. He didn't have to tell you that in the first place.

When people ask me how I met my YM or asked me how I met my ex, I always hesitated as well. There is a stigma attached to the internet and I can understand it for people that have no experience with it.

I don't see it as a red flag. Enjoy yourself when he comes into town.

Kat, I agree with Marcy, that since he's being upfront with YOU, it's not that big of a deal. My parents would be very skeptical about my meeting someone on the internet. I think a lot of people's parents would. Those of us who are somewhat close to our parents and/or have controlling mothers (LOL) sometimes keep things from them to avoid unnecessary confrontations. I get the same reaction if I tell them I met a guy in a bar! LOL

If you two work out, I'm sure he will introduce you to them and explain everything at that point, but I can see why he wouldn't want to ruffle any feathers without even knowing if it would be worth it or not.

Meet him, have fun! As long as he's always up front with you, there's nothing to worry about. :)

I agree with marcy & shan [and Polly, who posted at the same time]. Those of us who have judgmental parents who are fearful of anything newfangled or unknown sometimes find it easier to not bring up things that might upset them. They don't have to know this information, it's not important to who you actually are.

In other words, it's not the same as lying about your age or somesuch. I see no harm in not telling them about the internet meeting. Maybe if you end up liking each other and it's something they'd be ok with hearing about later, that would be fine too. But he doesn't need to ever disclose this to them IMO.

It's -you- he'd best be honest with, and on this count he's being that. In a perfect world, we wouldn't have parents assuming the worst of us and the people we choose to associate with, based on ridiculous false imaginings. But we do.

Kats.....

I agree with everyone here except for Charlottes.....

That older generation just take a little bit more of getting used to things, as we all know (and get impatient with!!!!)

His mother is old and the worried kind, and it would possibly upset her...

...He sounds pretty cool to me....Go Have Fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.....and let us know the details....LoL;)

I don't think it is a problem. A lot of older people don't understand the internet and get bad connotations from it.

I tell my close friends and family about dating men I have met on the internet, but I don't tell my coworkers or casual acquaintances unless I know they are cool with it. It is not because I think there is anything wrong with it (since I am an unconventional woman in many ways, it is the ideal way for me to meet appropriate guys), but I am a very private person and don't mix my personal life with my business life.

So, just go for the date and see what happens--and, of course, let us know how it goes!

Kats.....

I agree with everyone here except for Charlottes.....

That older generation just take a little bit more of getting used to things, as we all know (and get impatient with!!!!)

His mother is old and the worried kind, and it would possibly upset her...

...He sounds pretty cool to me....Go Have Fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.....and let us know the details....LoL;)

Yes, discussing his relationship may upset his mother but that doesn't change the fact that it's really none of her business and he should be able to make decisions for himself at this point in his life without worrying about how she will react.

What does it matter what his parents would think? He's a grown man for crying out loud.

Yes....I see your point Charls....

But when my mother was alive, I would avoid discussing such things with her as well....because she would have freaked out!!!.....Of course it is his life, and his business.....but sometimes with parents we have to tread delicately...

.....Everybody has a different relationship with their parents....and we have to make allowances for those that may struggle with theirs....

You know Charlotte, your point was exactly why I posted this...because for me, even as a young adult, I didn't care what my parents thought, but I didn't have a "normal" relationship with my parents either, so I get a bit off track sometimes with these things. I appreciate your viewpoint.

Thanks for the input guys! I think you're all right on, and if and when this "meeting" takes place, I'll let you all know about it, but I won't tell his mother.
:p

Thanks for your responses!~

Yes, discussing his relationship may upset his mother but that doesn't change the fact that it's really none of her business and he should be able to make decisions for himself at this point in his life without worrying about how she will react.

What does it matter what his parents would think? He's a grown man for crying out loud.

No, it's not her business, but the fact is that they could nag and nag and nag, and maybe he doesn't want that.

There's things that my gf doesn't tell her parents because they aren't 100% accepting of our relationship already. To hear the couple of things they aren't being told would make the relationship between us all much harder. Why put yourself in that position?

Today when he called, he said he wanted to be totally up front about the fact that he was going to tell his mother and father something fabricated about where he was going when he meets me for dinner. He told me a bit about his mom (age 67) and that she would freak out if he told her he was going to meet someone he met from the Internet.

Feedback please.

Kat my first question here would be WHY he liked the fact that you live near his parents? The answers might be obvious to some, because he can see you both at the same time, but can you be sure it isn't something else? (Beard anyone?)

And heck yes you are right to be worried. Do you see the great leap in logic he's making here? Instead of telling his parents a lie about where he met you, he's telling a lie about where he's GOING! In criminology that type of Leap, lying about where he met you instead of lying about where he was going would be a telling lie that would lead an officer to draw an entirely different conclusion, maybe, than the other folks are drawing. In truth, I believe he's LYING TO YOU! I don't trust him. If he were real, he'd just say that he met you at some place near his hometown when you were visiting, if the INTERNET CONNECTION is all they would object to. There is more to this story. I don't know if I would find out or not. How much do you want to put yourself through?

After having been online since 1995, my response to this guy would be none. He's already admitting that he lies when it's convenient to him, and I would guess there is someone else already in his life. If I were really feeling masochistic, I would meet this guy once and listen to the signals. Stay offline and only be on the phone and don't be too impressed for a while. Then see if he's even interested. Also, did he give you a cell number? And did you Google it? Sometimes that's a great way to bust guys for cheating. I found at least one married ******* by doing that!

Have a great weekend. Just meet him but don't stop looking elsewhere.

Hugs
Ali
Now to be known as Maya

While I see Charlotte's point, I agree with those who are saying that this is really no big deal. I can only speak from my own experience, but of all the 3 issues surrounding Remi (the age difference, the distance and how we met), it was the last one that I had the most difficulty telling people and the one they had the most difficulty accepting. There is a stigma about meeting people on the internet and it's not a good one. So, I understand completely why he'd be reluctant to tell them how he met you until he sees how things develop.

I think it says alot for him that he was at least forthcoming with you about he was going to handle this with his parents. He didn't have to tell you this at all, but he did. So, kudos for him for giving you this heads up so you could evaluate how you feel about that. :)

I guess I am the odd duck here. :) It may be just my own button that was pushed, however. Maybe it is not a red flag, but I dated a couple of guys whose lives where very compartmentalized.

For example, the old boyfriend that came back into my life a year or two ago, would say that he was going to visit a guy friend, rather than say he was coming to visit me. Now we weren't having sex or anything... just buds. I knew his parents and they were just normal people, so there is no reason for him to do this, OTHER THAN he wanted to be able to see as many women as possible with out anyone calling him on it. PLUS he did not want ANY of the women knowing that he had a little harem of groupies!

I will admit that I used to operate that way, to some extent. Looking back it was not healthy. While I don't tell my folks all the details of my life in some cases, if I am meeting a guy for dinner, I will say that... I don't say 'I met him on the 'net', if I thought it would freak them out.

I have also discovered that my parents can handle a LOT MORE than I ever gave them credit for before. It was ME that couldn't handle having some residual 'child like' emotions when I talked with them.

I don't' think most people become MORE fragile emotionally, as they get older. If they were tough when younger, they are probably still tough in their 60's, 70's or 80's. It is just another 'ageism' that us baby-boomers are going to nix! :D

Do we really know what this guy's motives are from the few words kat has posted? I don't think we can fully make the leap Ali has, nor that he's compartmentalizing. I think kat will have to tell us more about how he is around this issue. So far it only sounds like internet-fearing parents have to be worked around.

It -might- be a worse situation, but I don't think we can tell yet.

Not saying, yr, that people -become- more emotionally fragile later, but rather they stay where they were "at" and don't always adjust to change. Many older people just distrust whatever isn't familiar, and lots of people of any age still believe the internet is like it was when we first got it - creeps DID use it for evil at first, but now we are nearly ALL here, which means MOST people on the internet are just fine. Just like RL. *shrug*

I'm new to this site, but I find myself returning and reading (I almost feel voyeuristic!ha!) cause I'm really intrigued by the psychology of human nature, etc......and I just wanna say that if we don't start speaking up and saying "i met him/her via the internet," how are we ever going to change the stigma about it? I tell folks that it's really only logical for folks like myself to meet someone on the internet because I don't go to bars or church and don't belong to any groups/associations. How am I supposed to meet someone?
As for not upsetting the folks, the only thing is....down the road, what other things will have to be hidden or not told cause you don't want to upset momma and daddy? Thanks for letting me add my 2 cents worth!

Hey Guys,

Lots of interesting points of view.

I do feel this man is being straight up with me, but I'm also sure there are things I don't know. I have yet to give him my home phone or last name...only my cell phone. HE, however, has told me his last name, given me his cell phone, his home phone, told me who he works for, etc. I don't think he has anything to hide, although his phones are not listed. He told me he was a swimmer in college, and when I google his name, I do find it on a couple of lists for swimmers in his state.

He accepted that I didn't want to talk to him on the phone for the first month until I got to know him a bit better via email. This has all been very casual, no "bums rush" going on here. I do notice that he never talks much about personal things. He opened up about his mom and dad only after I pryed a bit, because something he had said early on made me think his relationship with them was perhaps a bit shakey. That's when he told me he had points of conflict with them (they drop by unannounced, his mother will rearrange his kitchen and furniture without his permission, etc.) He's gotten pissed at them for their poor boundaries, and it sounds like he's handled it as well as could be expected without alienating them. That's when he told me about how he was going to handle telling them about meeting me. Again, he said his mom would freak out if she knew about the Internet thing. My ex-husband's parents were very similar, so I understand this mentality.

Still, I thought I'd run it by here, since my judgement historically isn't always the best. :o

I don't really know what his motivation for meeting me is; I could merely be a distraction from his parents for all I know; in fact he said that when he comes down here to see them, he's going to need a break. He isn't being romantic, but he is sweet. He's just being nice and sharing stories about work, life, families and places. We haven't even talked about our personal lives that much. He doesn't ask me too much about my life, which leads me to believe that he's not interested in anything serious, but he does seem to enjoy my personality quite a bit. I'm looking forward to meeting him more as practice getting back into the dating world more than anything. I certainly don't feel threatened.

But if we meet, and there is chemistry...well, that'll be another whole story!!

I don't think we can fully make the leap Ali has, nor that he's compartmentalizing. I did not say that is what he is doing. I am just saying that it is SOMETHING to consider. That's all. It is certainly too early to tell anything. It is PATTERNS that I look for. :)

No offense here, but it amazes me how (some) women try to analyze tiny details. Really, for me as a man it's a bit frightening to see some of the drawn conclusions b/c he might have taken the wrong words or used them in the wrong order. For God's sake, he's a man! You know, this species who sometimes don't even think beforehand about what they're talking, if they do it actually at all ;)

All of you gave sound advice to me in the past. If I'm confused about my woman you tell me: talk to her. And than talk more. So just don't act upon drawn conclusion which might be wrong. For us men, this kind of behavior is utterly confusing b/c it seems to come out of the blue.

So if something worries you ... why don't you just ask him? If you don't and start instead to "act strange" (I'm referring here to legallyblonde) he might refuse to talk to you at all. Fearing you might get it wrong (again)...

I think he sounds like a kind and considerate person.

He seems to care of what his parents think, and he doesn't want them to draw the wrong conclusions of his relationship with you. I mean there's such a stigma attached to "meeting" people from the internet.

And, he's up front with you telling you of his conversation with his parents.

Sounds to me like he's caring and considerate of everyone's feelings involved.

I don't see this has a red flag at all.

He hasn't really lied to anyone involved.

Love,
Sora

I don't see any red flags either. He was upfront about what he was going to do. Some parents are very nosey if not downright pushy, and I think you need to leave this up to him. He knows how they are going to react. My YM tells his mom all kinds of things when it comes to spending time with me. Does this make him a liar? Not in my eyes. To me it says he knows how his family will react and chooses not to let them into this part of his life yet. Everything else about him adds up. Do I like being secret? NO! Buth then I try to imagine how it will sound when he tells his mother, who doesn't speak English, that he is seeing a woman twice his age, who is getting divorced, has a son almost his age, who he met playing in an online game, and.........see what I mean?

I TOLD my parents about my YM back when it was an entirely innocent friendship and we hadn't even met in RL or talked on the phone. He has an incredible personal story of tragedy and triumph that I found worth retelling. An innocent conversation ended with my father making all sorts of accusations, about me, the internet, him. So now I tell them nothing. I can tell you that in both families, just talking about people of the opposite sex creates all kinds of expectations that at this stage are probably best avoided. Telling them that its none of their business elicits a long lecture on just why it IS their business.

Glad things went well.

I don't know, at our age, do we really want a "happily ever after thing"? I'm pretty happy with my life as it is, I don't think I want to ever live with someone again. But I would like to have a partner with whom I could count on to be there for me...as a solid friendship.

I spoke with this YM again this evening. He got a ticket to come down the week before Xmas for three days...staying with his parents nearby...so it'll be fun to meet him. He talked a little bit more about his dating experiences this evening, and why he is interested in an older woman. He dated a woman for two years who was 15 years older, but she moved away. I definitely get the feeling that he has a good head on his shoulders and is seeking companionship...he feels women his own age are still interested in bars, partying, and perhaps after him for his money (he's definitely financially solvent) and I think he's looking for someone solid with goals, who knows what she wants.

SOUNDS LIKE AN OLDER WOMAN TO ME!!!!

actually I think it is a good sign that he told you that because he wouldn't even have bothered if he thought you would never get to the point where you would meet his parents. he would have just told them he was going out and leave it at that.
he sounds like he has hopes for the future with you.
I would never tell my mother or anyone else for that matter, that I met someone through the internet.
there are a lot of people that judge when you meet someone that way and anyway, it's none of their business.
good luck.
Ruthann

i just read that his mother comes and changes his furniture etc...
why would he tell her?
easier to lie and not have to deal with her crap because
she is obvisouly a pain in the rearend..

In a relationship with someone I met online. My parents know about him, but the only thing they don't know is how we met. That's because it's still new and I want to really figure out where this is going b/f I make it more complicated by getting drilled by my parents. I don't know if I will tell them. Sometime down the road I might. I understand where he's coming from. It's not a red flag b/c he's being honest with you about it. He just may not want to add drama and frustration to a budding relationship.

I hope it all works out for you! :D

Christina

No offense here, but it amazes me how (some) women try to analyze tiny details. Really, for me as a man it's a bit frightening to see some of the drawn conclusions b/c he might have taken the wrong words or used them in the wrong order. For God's sake, he's a man! You know, this species who sometimes don't even think beforehand about what they're talking, if they do it actually at all ;)

All of you gave sound advice to me in the past. If I'm confused about my woman you tell me: talk to her. And than talk more. So just don't act upon drawn conclusion which might be wrong. For us men, this kind of behavior is utterly confusing b/c it seems to come out of the blue.

So if something worries you ... why don't you just ask him? If you don't and start instead to "act strange" (I'm referring here to legallyblonde) he might refuse to talk to you at all. Fearing you might get it wrong (again)...

LOL! Great post, Ganta... point well taken... the difference between men and women is amazing when it comes down to analyzing every little detail.

Kat.. I wish you good luck with meeting the new guy. I think you must have thought this to be somewhat of a red flag or you wouldn't have even asked... so, just be cautious and I hope it goes well! :)

I get the feeling he's just a straight-up kind of guy, that's why he told me about his parents. Like, no secrets. It's such a refreshing change from former YM. Too early to judge of course, but he seems a lot more mature. I'm worried that I'm a bit too "alternative" for him; he seems pretty straight forward and uncomplicated, but bright and ambitious. We were able to talk about our last relationships pretty easily and readily last night. I think he's got the "older woman" bug! ;)

He'll be here in 9 or 10 days, so it'll be interesting!

was it a red flag, or no?


Ali