Stuck between a rock and a hard place

Right… where to begin?

I’m a Danish Native that for the past 5 years has lived outside the borders of Denmark (Scandinavia). I’ve lived in Springfield, Oregon, Sweden, France and am currently situated in Dublin, Ireland.

I suppose I’ve always been fascinated by older women - but I’ve never acted upon that instinct until a few years ago. I use to be in a long-term relationship with a younger woman. That ended in January 2003, and most of my encounters since then have been with women older than me.

I’m currently dating a woman 9 years older than me. Though we are still in the very early hours of the dating game, and I suppose that is the real reason, as to why I’m sitting here at this very moment, writing and sharing me thoughts with you. She was the one who took the initial contact through a dating site. Something every woman I’ve dated for the past few years have in common. I must be like a magnet to them, heeh.

I’ve experienced death up close and personal. Having had to make the one decision that no one should ever have to make. As a former MP SSG I’ve been deployed to various conflict zones around the world.

I’ve been told numerous times that I act like a 35+ year old by women and work mates, yet I’m still playful as a twenty year old when the right situation(s) presents itself.

The environment, which I was brought up in, social heritage, personal achievements and failures, shapes the stone that is I.

I would say that I’m not the worst looking lad out there. Doing various sorts of out/indoors activities on a relatively high level haven’t well… let’s just say not made me physical appearance any worse (wink)

Anyway, to cut a very long story short, here is my question to the more experienced ladies and lads out there.

What would be the best way of finding out whether an older woman is using you as a boy toy, or if she in fact is interested in pursuing something of a more steady nature?

My instinct tells me to just ‘spill the beans’ but that has in the past made women take a u-turn.

If you’ve read so far I thank you, and I'm looking forward for any constructive feedback.

Cheers,
Nik

Copyright on grammar and spell errors :)

i would think with your past experience in life and death situations plus the fact that you listed many countries that you have lived in, it seems strange that you cant read people? we are not that complicated, if a woman is only interested in sex when she is with you then you are a boy toy, if romance is there and talking and intimacy of a non sexual type then she is interested in you romantically.

Kittylane:

I see where you’re coming from but believe it or not, when it comes to women I'm hopeless ;-)

To use my own quote ‘we all have to learn until all of our fingers have the same length’.

I'm fairly good at reading people though with women and romance in general I really need a 'slap in the face' before I understand the gravity of the situation.

If what you just said is something that can be generalized then I already got me answer. She's in it for more than sex! Happy days…

Thank you for your input. Much applied.

Now all I can do is to wait and see what way the cookie will crumble.

Cheerio,
Nik

Nik, I think it would be safe to say that most women who are subscribe to `dating sites' are looking for someone who seriously loves them. If they were after a casual sex thing, they'd probably subscribe to a different kind of site.

I can relate to your living abroad, and among different cultures, etc. (worked for the UN myself and i am now trying to spend time in two countries to be closer to my family) and I know this gives you a personal strength and mostly an ability to be alone (away from support structures like close friends, family, etc.) that others may find surprising.

Based on this point and my personal experience though, I think most people prefer to have a long lasting meaningful relationship rather than short term affairs. It is wrong to generalize of course, but as Bella said, if you post your profile, deep in yoru heart probably you are longing to find 'the one".

That she does not trust that feeling because of the age gap is also possible. That is how I felt: i thought it was going to last only a very short time because he would want a mate his age. That is not what hapenned though and when he made me understand that he meant a serious relationship with me, I felt deeply moved and could not believe my luck. This helped me open up.

This is just my personal experience but i hope it helps you a bit.
Maria

your questionWhat would be the best way of finding out whether an older woman is using you as a boy toy, or if she in fact is interested in pursuing something of a more steady nature?


my answerWell, I would say one of the best ways would be to take note of what she likes to do when you are together. I mean, do you and your OW have commonalities that you enjoy discussing and similar interests that you like to engage in together besides sexual adventures? I would say that if you have a friendship based relationship there is more to the whole scenario than you just being a boy toy. ;)
Best Wishes

Maybe one way you could find out for certain without inadvertently scaring her off is to ask her what she is looking for in this relationship. That will open the door for her to tell you how she feels and what she wants. Then, if you are both on the same page, you could then tell her what you are interested in.

Hi Nik

You sound like an awesome person. I can't imagine anyone not wanting to
have a serious relationship with you. the problem is that women think all men are just using them as a toy so they don't mention it until the man does!!
They probably never suspect that YOU are looking for something serious. don't say anything too soon though, or you might scare them off!

I wonder what the decision is that you made that someone should never have to make just because I recently had to do the same thing. Just curious but I am sure yours is something different.
hugs
Ruthann

Bella:

First of all, thank you for taking the time to give me your piece of mind on the subject at hand here.

I totally agree with you but you know sometimes the truth is more than skin-deep (same goes with people). It was a regular dating site though (wink). Yet still I have a gift, or in this case a curse of overanalyzing the meaning of events, as they unfold in front of me. So my perception on this whole thing is a bit blurry to be honest ;-)

SinFulways:

Hi Maria,

What you just said there about living abroad giving you more personal strength and a bigger capacity to be alone is simply well just true.

As to the age gap issue, we all know the saying ‘Age is nothing but a number’. Something I am a firm believer in. The tricky part is to unlock the Pandora’s box that is she and see what she thinks and feels on this very matter.

Finally I would like to express my sincere gratitude for not only contributing to this thread but also sharing your personal experiences.


KinDanice:

Yes we have things in common. In some way it’s actually scary!

Another thing that I completely forgot to mention is that she is Danish as well. Though she just as I haven’t lived in Denmark for a long time. I believe she moved to NY 15 years ago, and just came to Ireland last August.

It’s quite funny actually, as both of us have lost parts of our vocabulary, so it’s like 50/50 Danish & English when we speak.

As I mentioned in my initial post this is a very new thing, so it is very hard to tell where this will go. I don’t think there is enough of a past between us to make whatever we have at the moment a friendship but time will tell the end of that tale. Patience is highly underrated, eh? ;-)

Thank you for your feedback. It made a few new thoughts start racing through me mind, which without a doubt is a good thing.

Whiterose:

Thank you for your post. I thought about that myself actually but I might have to give it a few more weeks before throwing that question at her.

What is it they say you should do when you get one of the bigger fish on your hook? Give it some more line before pulling it in. Don’t get me wrong here, I don’t she her as a trophy in any way. I just like to use analogies sometimes ;-)

Latigra:

Why thank you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder you know ;-)

Sometimes I would just wish that this whole mating ritual did not exist. I mean it’s been a while since we crawled down from the trees. I am a ‘what you see is what you get kind of guy’ with a twist of cause, and normally I would leave me filter at home, and just speak my mind.

Though this time I’m being a bit more cautious, as past experiences has taught me that the whole ‘riding into town with guns blazing’ isn’t always the best thing to do.

Oh Ruthann as a last thing about the choice I had to make. Let’s just say that it was one of those you cannot rewind and do over again. I’ve made my peace with it though.


To Everyone:

Just a quick Thank you to ya’ll. It seems like there is a genuine wish to help and assist people in here. Something that is very rare in this day and age...

Hi Nik! Well, in my opinion, girls are not typically into boy toy relationships, I know I have never been and I'm almost 43. But I guess some girls are. I just can't...I'm missing that gene or something...*sigh*...oh well! :)
BUT, I think the chances/odds are she isn't. If by some chance she is (I sure hope not!) I think it would be a good idea to let her know that you're really into her, so you know where you stand etc. :) You don't have to get super serious yet as you guys are just getting to know each other, but if you feel yourself falling for her, absolutely let her know in your own way!!!

What would be the best way of finding out whether an older woman is using you as a boy toy, or if she in fact is interested in pursuing something of a more steady nature? You might have to do what we women have to do to find out if we are with a player. WAIT & SEE. There are few shortcuts in learning about someone. Darn!

Hi Nik!

I think that in the initial stages of a relationship, both parties are dancing around each other a bit and deciding if they really want to take it further. We're all victims of heartache so to speak, especially older women, and many are cautious so as to not be in that position again unnecessarily.

So I'd say just take it day by day and enjoy it for what it is as it's unfolding. I agree with others that not many women are looking for a "boy-toy" unless they are really warped and have no depth as a human being. Mind you, they're out there, but pretty recognizable.

I do think you may just be in this "deciding" period. Relax, and enjoy the ride I say.

Welcome to Ageless.