Commitment Question

Hi!

I started dating a YM (only 4 years younger which I know is not really a big diff) a little over a week ago. Before that I had known him casually from my gym and we made small talk.

Immediately he told people at the gym we were dating and was almost acting like we were a couple. Then last night, after 3 dates, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was a bit surprised and didn't know how to respond so I said ok. :confused:

I like him but I am just getting to know him. I am not sure if I want to stop dating other people. At the moment I am not dating anyone else but if the opportunity came up I am not so sure.

Isn't this kind of soon? I am not sure how to approach it without hurting his feelings or pushing him away.

Any thoughts on this and how to approach it?

Thanks.

lmao Yea that's pretty weird. Seems like something you'd say in high school. lmao

Anyway, I'd say just 'date' him for a while, and see what happens. I probably would have just told him that you still will see other people for a while occasionally until/if it gets more serious. :cool:

Well, it sounds like he might not be very experienced at the whole "dating" thing and that, honestly, is a good sign. LOL.

My first question would be, did you sleep with him?

Because if you did, it could be that he wants you to be his "steady" girlfriend, so he doesn't have to worry about competing with other guys or sharing you. Not a bad thing, necessarily. Especially given the world of STDs available out there. :eek:

If you didn't, maybe it's his way to ensure you're NOT sleeping with anyone else, which is sort of a proprietary and prudent move on his part, ensuring at least that you're both on the same wave length.. ie. wanting monogomy in a relationship?

Personally, I hate dating. I hate dating even more when I keep meeting wishy-washy people. This guy doesn't seem wishy-washy at all. He wants YOU. *points finger like Uncle Sam* :D At least you can give him THAT. Hehhehehe.

~phos

Well he was asking jokingly when he asked me to be his gf. He said he hasn't asked anyone that since high school.

I think he just didn't want me dating anyone else. We have not slept together yet. We barely even kissed.

I am just not 100% sure I want to just date him yet though. :(

Do I bring it up or just let it be?

You run the risk of wounding his ego majorly by bringing it up. I'd just feel it out and see how it goes... if it were me.

~phos

3 dates does seem kinda soon, esp. since you've "barely even kissed"! It sounds like he's being pushy, which turns me off personally.

I know... :( Plus he works at my gym and he said he would be pissed if I dated anyone else from the gym. Not that I am doing that but if I met someone else I couldn't even talk to them.

After our first date he told everyone that we were together so the chances of that happening are slim to none anyway.

He has me coming over on Christmas and everything... I just wish it wasn't so fast. This has never happened to me before. Usually I date someone for at least a month before we even talk about this sort of thing. :rolleyes:

Have to say that I can totally see where this guy is coming from. Over here (UK) we don't 'date' like you do over in the US. If someone was dating in that way it would be frowned upon by most people. All I can say is that I would be absolutely gutted if I was interested in someone and they carried on going out with other people, it would just show they weren't really interested.

The only people over here that 'date' are people that aren't interested in a relationship. Your dating culture completely baffles me to be honest.

Jeremy had wanted to be with me for so long before we "officially" went out that he pretty much wanted a commitment from me the first night! He never would have wanted to "share" me. I was all he wanted.

Talk about fast - he told me he was in love with me little more than 3 weeks after our first night together! I took a few weeks longer to tell him.

Maybe this guy is like Jeremy.

Have to say that I can totally see where this guy is coming from. Over here (UK) we don't 'date' like you do over in the US. If someone was dating in that way it would be frowned upon by most people. All I can say is that I would be absolutely gutted if I was interested in someone and they carried on going out with other people, it would just show they weren't really interested.

The only people over here that 'date' are people that aren't interested in a relationship. Your dating culture completely baffles me to be honest.

Hmmm sounds like I'd fit in well in the UK...I completely agree with Rob. :)

and he said he would be pissed if I dated anyone else from the gym. Was he kidding when he said this? He sounds too smothering to me.

If it were me, I would have a talk with him and let him know how you are feeling about his telling everyone that you two are an item, etc. It is easier to set your boundaries NOW rather than later. He is not taking your feelings into consideration. :(

Have to say that I can totally see where this guy is coming from. Over here (UK) we don't 'date' like you do over in the US. If someone was dating in that way it would be frowned upon by most people. All I can say is that I would be absolutely gutted if I was interested in someone and they carried on going out with other people, it would just show they weren't really interested.
So in Britain, it's expected that you only date one person at a time? :confused: Man, that sucks. So much for me wanting to move to England some day! :rolleyes:

what i think is that the feelings you have must be reciprocal also.... you are loud and clear in your hesitation, it does NOT mean he is not wonderful, it just means you need time to catch up or realize this is not for you. I would make a "kind" stand and tell him you need a breather, not from him but from talking about committment, its scary thinking "wow, this is happening so fast and is he the ONE?" these are huge questions you must find the answer for.

otherwise you may crack, get a resentment and push him away before you get a chance to see if this is the kind of relationship you want. i think it is terribly sweet he is so so smitten with you, but if this is the case he needs to show some sensitivity to your feelings, this is a tell all in any relationship. we know how he feels, he needs to back it up a bit for you to come to terms with yours.

What I'm hearing is that you're uncomfortable with this. I say: Pay attention that THAT!~

This would be moving WAY too fast for me. I just went out with a guy three times, and decided I didn't want to go out with him anymore. I am "dating" these days, so I wouldn't want to be tied down if that was the mode I was in, which sounds like you might be too.

A few years ago I dated a guy one time. The second date was he took me to meet his whole family UNBEKNOWNST to me.....I thought we were going to have breakfast together. The next time he called me for a date, he was planning the next ten years of our lives together. I said, "See YA!!" I barely even KNEW the guy!!!

Some people blow me away!

I think this behavior would all be okay if you were nuts about him too, and had been getting to know him slowly in another way, but all you know him from is the gym. I disagree with most others here. I think he's possessive if he's already telling you he'd be PISSED if you dated someone else from the gym, unless we're misinterpreting what you're saying. You don't get to be PISSED at potential behavior that hasn't even occurred...now that IS a red flag! Maybe he was just being cute. It's up to you to set your boundaries. Consider this a good learning experience to do just that.

Well how would I know if I'd even want to be in a relationship with a guy until after I've had a chance to get to known him better, say after a handful of dates?

The fact that Michelle agreed to go out with him three times should be sufficient to show her interest in him at this early stage.

Besides, the real issue is her discomfort that he's moving too fast, which is perfectly valid.

So you go out a few times with one person, then if you don't like them you move on. that's how it generally works here.

Like I said, if someone I liked was dating 2/3/4 others, then I would be pretty gutted and wonder whether she really liked me at all.

Different culture here, that's all. Plus, some people get attached quicker than others, and this guy maybe developed feelings since they knew each other from the gym for however long before they went out.

Was he kidding when he said this? He sounds too smothering to me.

If it were me, I would have a talk with him and let him know how you are feeling about his telling everyone that you two are an item, etc. It is easier to set your boundaries NOW rather than later. He is not taking your feelings into consideration. :(

No, he was serious. He said he made his last girlfriend join a different gym. He doesn't want his gf or whomever he is seeing to be dating someone else right in front of him where other people would know about it. He doesn't want to look stupid.

I guess I can understand that but we have only gone out three times and I am not sure how I feel about him just yet.

He would be too controling for me. And this at just over a week? Have that talk or it will just get worse I'm afraid.

No, he was serious. He said he made his last girlfriend join a different gym. He doesn't want his gf or whomever he is seeing to be dating someone else right in front of him where other people would know about it. He doesn't want to look stupid.

I guess I can understand that but we have only gone out three times and I am not sure how I feel about him just yet.

Controlling and also "questionable"...first of all...I don't think I would allow anyone to tell me what gym I could join...secondly, is he trying to hide something from you...perhaps he wants you to date only him exclusively and he ....just wants to keep on dating various other individuals...just my take on it...my answer to him would be "no"...if he wants to join another gym...let him!

**One exception to the rule..if you are breaking up with a person or plan to no longer be together in a relationship...I'm all for the idea of not "hanging" out in the some places together...that would be a little...err "strange" (speaking from experience, of course)...so that situation would have to be worked out...you see...usually not a "black and white" answer to any given situatiion..it depends on the circumstances surrounding it.

Controlling and also "questionable"...first of all...I don't think I would allow anyone to tell me what gym I could join...secondly, is he trying to hide something from you...perhaps he wants you to date only him exclusively and he ....just wants to keep on dating various other individuals...just my take on it...my answer to him would be "no"...if he wants to join another gym...let him!

Just to clarify - he has not asked me to join another gym. He just doesn't want me dating anyone else from the gym because it will 'make him look stupid'. His words not mine.

He told me he isn't dating anyone else and I believe that. He is a bit of a loner and very quiet. From what he has told me he doens't 'date'. He seems to just get into relationships.

He would be too controling for me. And this at just over a week? Have that talk or it will just get worse I'm afraid.

Yes, I agree that I need to talk to him. I am a bit nervous about it and how to approach it. I suppose if he gets angry or doesn't understand then I am better off finding that out sooner than later. :(

I'm sorry but he sounds awfully immature when it comes to relationships. Sounds like he's going to smother you and be possessive. And since you've already said that you're not comfortable being exclusive so soon, I'm hoping things don't end badly, but if it goes on and he becomes attached - and you don't - it sounds like he's going to act like a big baby when it's done.

Michelle, I do the same thing. Sometimes guys catch me off-guard and I respond in an agreeable manner - usually in regard to asking for my number so that they can take me out - but it sounds like you did the same thing when he asked you to be his gf. As others have said, I would have a talk with him about how you feel. I hate to say it but it is very possible that he's going to react badly/poorly and that will be that.

I know I've said this before but...for me, dating at the gym is like dating at work. I don't do it (I have once or twice over the last, oh, 15+ years - not bad statistics for breaking a rule) but I guess lots of people do. Boy, is it tempting - being surrounded by a 'pool' of fit young guys. But I see the gym as my personal, drama-free space.

Giggle..thats happened to me too. I dunno, I thought it was sweet and I appreciated the clarity of knowing what he wanted.

The only problem was that a month later I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with him, so I felt that I let him down a lot by agreeing to be his girlfriend so quickly, and then changing my mind. But then again, I probably would have hurt him just the same.

I think this kind of gesture is nice, and demonstrates a good heart.

I agree with Kat and others about this. He "feels" possessive and controlling to me, by your description. He also seems insecure. Possessive and comtrolling people generally are. So do you want an insecure guy who will be watching your every move?

See, I think people are reading into it too much and overreacting.

A lot of the things Jeremy said in the beginning of our relationship sounded too controlling and smothering to people here, too. Yet, 1 1/2 years later, I couldn't be happier.

Yes, he can be insecure sometimes, but he is lovng and attentive and I relish being treated like the most important person in his life - not just "tacked on" like I've felt in past relationships.

And as time passes, his insecurity (mostly worrying that I was going to decide he wasn't good enough for me) has lessened and he feels much more comfortable.

I say, give him time. He may surprise you.

It sounds like she WANTS to give him time--HE is the one who wants to rush things and not give HER time. Hence the problem.She said she wasn't sure if she wanted to give him exclusivity and other posters are calling it a red flag . By "give it time" I meant to give him a chance. She's already told him she'd be his "girlfriend" so I'm suggesting she stick with it for a while.

He is definitely not insecure. He is a bodybuilder and doing a show and completely obsessed with it and how he looks. :(

I talked to him while he was working last night but not about him pushing the relationship issue since he was working. I want to wait until we are able to get together to talk to him.

While he was working he said a bunch of things - actually since I have known him - that just made me feel like total crap. Since I have known him he has not mentioned one thing he likes about me. He is putting me on a diet, gave me fat burners to take that I have not taken yet (which he is giving me a hard time about - mind you, I am NOT in the slightest bit overweight, I am a size 2 or 4 - he wants me to be leaner, no bodyfat) he hates my hair color (I changed it in June) which he keeps saying, he repeatedly makes fun of me and calls me a nerd and he says he like huge inplants (I am barely a B-cup) and I am the shortest girl he has ever dated. So finally I was like "What do you LIKE about me?" His response was that I looked good with dark hair. Ok, well my hair was dark a year ago and I am not changing it back. :( He didn't like that answer.

Yes, I know I need to talk to him. I felt like crap all night. Why does he want to even be with me then if I am so different that what he likes? He did say he likes that I am quiet because then I "won't give him problems" like his ex did.

He isn't a bad guy - I know this all sounds terrible... Or maybe I am just stupid.

OK, that's a whole different story! Um, no, he sounds like a jerk and NOW he sounds controlling!

Jeremy was never anything but full of compliments and always reassures me that he finds me attractive.

If this guy doesn't make you feel good about yourself on top of being controlling....sounds like a wifebeater in training!

*Kristin does a 180 on this one!*

While he was working he said a bunch of things - actually since I have known him - that just made me feel like total crap Why on earth are you indulging a guy who makes you feel this way? This is the question that I would be asking myself? :confused:

Why on earth are you indulging a guy who makes you feel this way? This is the question that I would be asking myself? :confused:

It didn't start out this way. This has all happened after our third date. Well, him telling people at the gym we were dating was immediate but everything else has been since Sunday. And I haven't gone out with him again - we have just spoken at the gym.

You specifically said in your post that he's said these things since you've known him. Which is it?

You specifically said in your post that he's said these things since you've known him. Which is it?

The hair comment since I have known him. Everything else since our last date.

Sorry for the confusion and not necessary to be nasty.

He is definitely not insecure. He is a bodybuilder and doing a show and completely obsessed with it and how he looks. :(

Michelle, as you know, I've been working out for about 25 years. I've known PLENTY of bodybuilders who are insecure, including men that I have spent personal time with. Bodybuilding and competing in shows in no way indicates that a guy is not insecure, and sometimes it is a symptom of being insecure. Maybe he is and maybe he isn't but either way, from your comments below and earlier in this thread, he sounds like a control freak.

While he was working he said a bunch of things - actually since I have known him - that just made me feel like total crap. Since I have known him he has not mentioned one thing he likes about me. He is putting me on a diet, gave me fat burners to take that I have not taken yet (which he is giving me a hard time about - mind you, I am NOT in the slightest bit overweight, I am a size 2 or 4 - he wants me to be leaner, no bodyfat) he hates my hair color (I changed it in June) which he keeps saying, he repeatedly makes fun of me and calls me a nerd and he says he like huge inplants (I am barely a B-cup) and I am the shortest girl he has ever dated. So finally I was like "What do you LIKE about me?" His response was that I looked good with dark hair. Ok, well my hair was dark a year ago and I am not changing it back. :( He didn't like that answer.

Yes, I know I need to talk to him. I felt like crap all night. Why does he want to even be with me then if I am so different that what he likes? He did say he likes that I am quiet because then I "won't give him problems" like his ex did.

He isn't a bad guy - I know this all sounds terrible... Or maybe I am just stupid.


"Why does he want to even be with me..."

I think the real question here is why do you want to be with him? Or even date him?

I was about to jump up and support Kristin (and I still do) because I agree that as long as a guy is not trying to control me and makes me feel loved and wanted and appreciated, I'd much rather feel like I'm an important part of a SO's life, and not tacked on.

BUT...this guys sounds like a jerk, Michelle. If any guy did/said all of this to me, I'd give him the heave-ho before he knew what hit him.

"So finally I was like "What do you LIKE about me?" His response was that I looked good with dark hair. " This is all he could come up with, when he wants an exclusive relationship? A backhanded compliment? Really what he was saying is "I hate your hair now". Girl, he's got a serious picture in his head of what he is looking for and what he thinks a woman should be, and it doesn't sound like you're it.

Oh NO you do not need to talk to him. YES he IS a bad guy.

He did say he likes that I am quiet because then I "won't give him problems" like his ex did.

I completely agree with the "wifebeater in training" comment. I thought that as soon as you used the term "pissed" about if you dated others.

Michelle, this guy doesn't want to just control you. He wants to OWN a woman, and it wouldn't matter to him if it were YOU or someone else. Who you ARE doesn't matter. All he wants to know is how completely can he control you and how little will his project object. Your "quietness" makes him think you won't rebel against anything. VERY bad news. He also may be taking steroids, which can help skew such people into even worse territory.

Frankly if I were you, I would change gyms ASAP.

I think the real question here is why do you want to be with him? Or even date him?

I was about to jump up and support Kristin (and I still do) because I agree that as long as a guy is not trying to control me and makes me feel loved and wanted and appreciated, I'd much rather feel like I'm an important part of a SO's life, and not tacked on.

BUT...this guys sounds like a jerk, Michelle. If any guy did/said all of this to me, I'd give him the heave-ho before he knew what hit him.

"So finally I was like "What do you LIKE about me?" His response was that I looked good with dark hair. " This is all he could come up with, when he wants an exclusive relationship? A backhanded compliment? Really what he was saying is "I hate your hair now". Girl, he's got a serious picture in his head of what he is looking for and what he thinks a woman should be, and it doesn't sound like you're it.

I haven't dated him again and now I am not planning on it. He said that on the phone last night (the answer to the 'what do you like about me' comment) and it got uncomfortable and he got off the phone with me. I do plan on talking to him and telling him exactly how I feel about his comments and that I don't think we should go out again.

I guess I have some self-esteem issues that I need to work on. He is the first guy who has been interested in me in almost 2 years but I don't think he is really interested in ME - as you said.

I guess I have some self-esteem issues that I need to work on. He is the first guy who has been interested in me in almost 2 years but I don't think he is really interested in ME - as you said.


Michelle, you do understand that I wasn't saying that you're not all that (AND a bag of fries), right? It's just that some guys (people) can have a very specific picture in their mind of what the perfect woman is for them. I know, I dated someone like this for a long time. I always felt that I never quite lived up to the image in his mind. The truth is that guys like that, at least like this ex of mine, have SUCH a 'perfect' image in their mind that no woman can live up to it - because it is not an image of a real woman. It's one they have designed in their own mind.


It didn't start out this way. This has all happened after our third date. Well, him telling people at the gym we were dating was immediate but everything else has been since Sunday. And I haven't gone out with him again - we have just spoken at the gym.

Yeah, he was 'branding' you as his - marking his territory. I've dated control freaks - he is definitely in that category. Turn around and walk quickly to the nearest exit.

Like Goldie said, No, you don't need to talk to him. At least not in detail. I doubt very much that anything you say is going to make an impact on him or his thinking. He's likely to just think that the problem is with you. Give him a piece of your mind if you really must but don't expect much of anything to come from it as far as his response or his reaction. I would only do it if you really think it will make you feel better. Otherwise just break it off and let it go at that. He is who he is - pathetic as it might be.

I'm glad you're seeing a bigger picture of this guy and don't feel like this is a lack of self esteem on your part. Remember this is what dating is for .... to sift out the guys that will step on your self esteem and find a guy with integrity and of quality.

It matters not how long you've not dated, what matters is that you ask questions and ask questions and then think it out, get a new perspective and see how you feel, which is what you've been doing.

There will be another, don't worry, but be grateful that you've asked the questions and you realize that 2 + 2 doesn't equal 5.

Paris

The hair comment since I have known him. Everything else since our last date.

Sorry for the confusion and not necessary to be nasty.
Why would you think I was being nasty? I just wanted clarification. :confused: And I've only been trying to be helpful.

I agree with SG and Goldie. Get away from him.

Why would you think I was being nasty? I just wanted clarification. :confused: And I've only been trying to be helpful.

I agree with SG and Goldie. Get away from him.

My apologies...I am stressed about the situation and nervous about talking to him. :( I know you were trying to helpful. I took the comment wrong.

Hi Michelle,

I just wanted to say that I totally agree with the advice given to you by everyone, and I'm sorry that the guy turned out to be such a jerk.

I'll bet you were looking forward to dating someone nice after two years of being on your own.....no matter, you'll find someone else. At least you're smart enough to ask all the right questions and find out what a guy is really like before you'll commit. You'll be ok.....even if this experience leaves a bit of nasty taste in your mouth for while.

I've met guys like that too. Its almost as if they are looking for someone they consider to be inferior to them (even if its only in their minds) that they can put down and criticise in order to make themselves feel better about themselves. Its such an energy vampirism scenario....not about love at all.

I think you're very lucky to have worked all this out ahead of time and that you can now avoid getting involved. Trish is right...if you spent any amount of time with him, even as a `friend', you'd find your self esteem totally undermined and drained. Negative reinforcement has that effect on people.

As a rule, I believe its best to avoid ALL people who negatively reinforce you. Don't date them, don't keep as close friends, and if they ae family or colleagues, them keep them at arms length.

As a rule, I believe its best to avoid ALL people who negatively reinforce you. Don't date them, don't keep as close friends, and if they ae family or colleagues, them keep them at arms length.

I second that rule.

Thank you all for responding and being supportive.

I actually skipped the gym tonight to avoid him but he called me twice and left messages. I don't know why I am so afraid to talk to him. Maybe since he is very intimidating - he is a very big guy (and yes, he is on steriods and a myriad of other things which I know is another red flag). :(

Since he works at the gym and I have to still go there I want to handle this the right way.

I am glad it has only been a week and that I didn't take it any further than a good-night kiss. He has never even been to my house which is good. I am just very nervous about talking to him. :(

As SOON as the conversation is over, you will feel 500 percent better. For me, it sometimes helps to think about this.

Unless you're planning on confronting him, try to approach the conversation from a neutral point of view. It can be dealt with in a matter-of-fact manner. (Maybe something like, he caught you off-guard and the truth is that you're not ready to get into a relationship right now, including dating him exclusively.)

Be prepared for him to react in some negative manner. He may get angry but he may also just say something snide or even try to convince you to change your mind. Just emotionally detach and let him play out his own scene. Then smile and walk away and let it all go.

Like I said before, I don't see any reason to confront him. It doesn't seem like his comments were really personal - they were more about his mental and emotional state and he'd make them to anyone. Unless someone insults or attacks me (or someone I love) on a personal level, I've come to believe that if someone is not a good fit for us, or even a total jerk, it's not my place in life to try and 'fix' him, either with love or hateful words. It is rare that confronting someone about their cruddy behavior actually makes a difference so it's better for our psyches to not worry about it if it's not really affecting us. Just seeing people for what they are, without prejudice, neutralizes A LOT of things.

Michele, sorry this turned out this way for you. Good luck.

I don't know why I am so afraid to talk to him. Probably because you have seen his true colors and know how negative he can get. Remember the main objective: break it off.

You cannot (for the most part), control his feelings. He is going to feel what he is going to feel. YOU are not responsible for his feelings, so don't go feeling guilty. You do not owe the guy much more than 'This is not working for me'. Anything you tell him, he will either want to put down, or argue with you.

When he says what he says, after you tell him that this is working for you, just repeat what he says... "I know you are saying 'XYZ', but THIS IS NOT WORKING FOR ME", then add "I wish you well & good luck on ABC" or something like that. If he gets out of line, just hang up on him. (yes, I think it best done on the phone)


You can repeat the above paragraph's senario several times without being drawn into an argument. It is called "fogging" in communication. I will keep my fingers crossed for you.

Let us know how it goes... And I bet now that the door opened on one guy asking you out... you will get other offers. It seems to work that way for me! Good luck, dear heart! :)

Brilliant advice Science Goddess & Yellowrose, as always.

Good Luck Michelle!

Well I finally talked with him and it went really well. He said that when I asked him what he liked about me he was on the spot and didn't know what to say. He said that it was a stupid comment and apologized. Then he rattled off about 10 'real' things that he liked about me. He told me that he likes me alot and he isn't 'used to this' because I am a lot different than his last girlfriend. (I AM very different...she was a stripper - long story there.) He even wants to wait before we sleep together which I am not used to at all. He said he never slept with someone he really liked and he is sort of nervous about it... I don't think he is feeding me bs. I can usually tell.

I misread him on some things but I have only known him a little over two weeks. I am going to give it a shot and just date him right now. We had a really good conversation and I really do like him.

I am taking it slow.

He said he never slept with someone he really liked and he is sort of nervous about it... Sounds like trouble to me... :(

Well, keep your eyes open. Remember, see if his WORDS match his ACTIONS. Good luck. :)