Falling in Love again

Hi everybody.

I was on the board last year - didn't introduce myself properly at that time...sorry. I was then in a Long Distance Relationship with a guy 10 years my junior. Well, it was a really tricky relationship and caused me a lot of emotional confusion and pain. Throughout the relationship, and up until last week, I was working with a man, I'm a teacher - he is (was) my teaching assistant who had been treated very badly by a 'friend' of mine. He was devastated by what she did to him - it was bad, worse actually than he realises. He knew about my relationship (through the friend but he also witnessed my distress) and we supported each other, not in an overt way though, it was an unspoken solidarity. Over the last six months things have changed, I can't really say when I realised that there was something, in fact I didn't really dare to believe there could be anything. He is so beautiful. Not just physically. He is funny and wise and clever, we look at each other and laugh. I drown in him. We share the same interests. I didn't think I could fall in love ever again after what happened to me, he says the same. It's not rebound stuff, it's like we got to know each other properly and realised we really do get on. We have been flirting for the last couple of months like a pair of teenagers. He obviously likes older women (my friend is 46, I'm 51, he's 33) and he tells me he did all the crazy 'What if...?' thinking in the time he was with her. Anyway, last week he left suddenly, I was on leave. He phoned me the same night to tell me he had left and he poured out his soul to me. It happened to me at the same time - all of our barriers collapsed and we ended up admitting our true feelings for each other. Since then we are writing to each other every day, as well as speaking on the phone. I can't wait to see him again. The strange thing is - well, it's almost like our failed relationships prepared us both for this. He's so scared I'm going to hurt him as she did and all I want to do is love him - I know I can't convince him otherwise until we get together. It's the early heady days of being in Love and it's amazing and scary all at once.
I'm going to truly use the board properly this time around as I know I'll need support and maybe be able to help a few others on the way. love you all.

I almost never look at this category on Ageless, and so I'm recommending to you that you ask a Moderator to move this thread to Relationship Support, otherwise, you may not get many responses....over there you will.

Try PMing Whiterose.
Best of luck to ya!
Kat

Geez, I don't profess to be an expert at relationships, but I have learned some valuable lessons through my current realtionship with the most wonderful YM on the planet. The first is, if you truly love someone, of course you worry about hurting them or being hurt. Its a given. But if you give in to those fears or make them the topic of every conversation you have, it becomes destructive. Every time you say "I love you so much, I don't want to lose you", it plants a seed of doubt. He thinks, "Why would she say that? Does she think I am gonna take off on her?" You need to focus on the positive. Instead of talking about how much you fear what lies ahead, talk about how happy you are (and you do sound happy) that the circumstances in your life brought you together.

Second lesson is, rebound stuff does happen. Who cares? Yes, you are more vulnerable to heartbreak; you wear your heart right out there on your chest where anyone can take a poke at it. On the other hand, it is also right out there where the right people, those who truly love you and have your best interest at heart, can lay on their healing hands and help you mend. I think the fact that you met during a period of duress for both of you, could mean that this is really nothing more than infuatuation. BUT it could also mean that you have had the opportunity to open up and share in a completely honest way, and that you will value this new relationship in a way which neither of you were capable of before.

I could go on and on....lol. Your thread just struck a familiar chord. I really think you have nothing to fear here, because you clearly understand you vulnerability and the downside of your circumstances. The only question I have is, are you ready to take on another LDR. These are hard, as you well know. Best of luck!

fallllliiing in love agennnnnn never wannteed tooooooooooo

what am I to dooooooooooooo

Cont hellllp eeeeeeeeet

hi jax and welcome back to the boards....i moved your thread to the ow/ym relationship support section of the boards with a re-direct in the original forum, to help you gain more responses.

good luck and my best to you

Tracy :D

Hmm - well...I don't see any "down sides" to this situation, in fact it sounds like you could have a really good chance. It is greatly in your favor that this isn't the first OWYM relationship for either of you. YM is right, he is in a better position to consider you seriously after getting out a lot of "what if" and worrying on someone else's dime. And you've had a chance to try the idea out before also. Plus, he made the decision to take the "boss factor" out of this by leaving his job. (Is he a student, is he going to be ok financially?)

It's sad that he was so mistreated, because it will make him wary for a while, but he can get over it. You have a golden opportunity since you know what was done to him, you have a road map for making him feel cared for. Less of a guessing game than most of us have when meeting someone who's been hurt in the past, you know?

Good luck jax, sounds so far, so good.

My YM and I have been together for over a year, with the past 6 months being a long distance relationship (400 miles). I thought the LDR would kill us, but it has actually brought us closer together.

We have been going through the "what-if's". What would happen to us, to our kids (he has 2 boys and I have 2 girls)? They've all grown attached to one another and to us. My daughter & his son have dated for over 2 years (that's how we met one another).

He wrote me an email the other day & in part of the email he says: "You know, I have had some of these same thoughts. What if ...? Then where would I be? What would I have put you through, the girls? The thought is a bit terrible. I don't ever want to hurt you. I don't ever want to hurt the girls, either. I often wondered what would happen if Tom and Kelly were to break up. But what if we did? I think the best way to procede is as we are. I like what we have. I get a lot out of this relationship, the time I spend with you, the time we all spend together. I don't want to ever loose that. I think taking it one step at a time is important, though. I think we are doing the right thing."

I think taking things slowly is really important, but most especially when it comes to a difficult relationship such as an OW/YM or LDR relationship.

Kathy

My YM and I have been together for over a year, with the past 6 months being a long distance relationship (400 miles). I thought the LDR would kill us, but it has actually brought us closer together.

We have been going through the "what-if's". What would happen to us, to our kids (he has 2 boys and I have 2 girls)? They've all grown attached to one another and to us. My daughter & his son have dated for over 2 years (that's how we met one another).

He wrote me an email the other day & in part of the email he says: "You know, I have had some of these same thoughts. What if ...? Then where would I be? What would I have put you through, the girls? The thought is a bit terrible. I don't ever want to hurt you. I don't ever want to hurt the girls, either. I often wondered what would happen if Tom and Kelly were to break up. But what if we did? I think the best way to procede is as we are. I like what we have. I get a lot out of this relationship, the time I spend with you, the time we all spend together. I don't want to ever loose that. I think taking it one step at a time is important, though. I think we are doing the right thing."

I think taking things slowly is really important, but most especially when it comes to a difficult relationship such as an OW/YM or LDR relationship.

Kathy

Hmm looks like another Kathy on the boards now..very interesting..very interesting indeed..
:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

Her name might be Kathy, but there is truly only one you, Kathy W! :)

Great advice to the OP btw.

this could be a great relationship or it may not, but you shouldn't worry about it, it is what it is. You can't guarantee someone you will not hurt them, let's face it, we're not the same people at a beginning of a relationship or at the end of one. One or the other may know how to push your buttons, but if you take it into consideration and for the good of the relationship you'll know to push more gently or not at all next time.

Yes, this may be a rebound relationship, just by the fact that he's apprehensive says it all. He has a need to protect his heart as should you, although this woman who left him may be your friend, you really were not part of his previous relationship so you don't know for sure what happened as people tend to make themselves look good.

And if this woman was your friend, what is her part in all this. Is she out of the pic for both of yous. You really don't want any exs messing it up for you. I say, take it slowly, you're running faster than you can walk, its natural when you believe you've clicked with someone after such disastrous previous relationships, anything looks good on the surface. Give yourselves times to be friends and to come to exclusivity with grace and joy.

Paris

Her name might be Kathy, but there is truly only one you, Kathy W! :)

Great advice to the OP btw.

Thank you Bubs! Very sweet...you're truly one of a kind as well. Whew..and yet another IM from an opionated person coming in to me...better run...woo hoo...we're rocking now.

Thanks everybody for all your support. Apparently my thread's been moved so I'm going to go over and check out replies there but we're still going for this one! We're still apart but getting together on 21st of this month so it's countdown. Thanks again. Jax xx

Don't quite understand how the board works (?) but seems I'm on relationship support. Well as I said before we are meeting on the 21st. Ok great. I've got to be honest here -= it's the physical side thats bothering me(?!) I guess it's back to the sticky old body thing thread! Jax

This Saturday, the 21st Jan, my ym and myself are meeting for the first time since he left. We have spoken everyday on the telephone and written absolute epistles to each other about ourselves. We have become closer and closer and I can honestly say that reading the positive comments on this board in regard to the physical side of ow/ym relationships has really helped. Yes I am still worried but I am going to meet him with Love, knowing that he feels Love for me too. I have got a really good outfit to wear when I meet him (black and sexy - with boots!) I have arranged everything at home so that I don't have to worry about the kids while I'm away (a couple of nights) and I have brought some really pretty underwear. I have struggled with my body image since I was a teenager (had a baby at 17) and ended up with very bad strech marks. I was also a yo yo dieter for years which didn't help but I do have a really nice *** (years of cycling!)
When I reached my 50th birthday I said to my daughter 'OK - this is it. I'm going to live my life for me, I'm not going to listen to those voices in my head anymore that tell me I should look a certain way or think a certain way just to keep the status quo. Too many things have passed me by.' I stopped dieting and stopped wearing make up. I started wearing the clothes I like to wear ( slight hippie bias) and not worry anymore about people thinking me eccentric. I determined to allow my true self to emerge. Six months later I met my ym for the first time. Now...!?!
I can't begin to tell you how excited I am to be meeting up with him again. There are a lot of things that we have deliberately not talked about yet because we need to be together when we open our souls. Love you all. XX

I am so excited for you! Just relax and enjoy your time together and don't worry too much about the future at this point. Let us know how it goes.

Okay...I can tell you now about my time with my man last Saturday. If I say that I feel more like a 17 year old than a 51 year old I think you'll understand. I can honestly say - hand on heart - that NEVER - and I've had a few relationships believe me - NEVER has sex ( I'm so sorry we were truly making love) been so beautiful. He kissed my stretch marks, he carried me to the bed, he loved me as I have neve been loved before. He laughed at my wobbly belly (not cruelly more like 'what's the problem' ) and said we could go to the gym together. He is absolutely beautiful. When I think of the abuse I have suffered at the hands of men in the past!!! Who would have believed that this Golden Man so full of love would appear in my life. I have been very lonely. I'm seeing him again in a couple of weeks and then the next time he'll meet the kids. We're keeping it in the moment. It's a cold cruel world out there and I believe that when Love like this happens it is sent by God. Oh...I also told him the Truth about what happened between him and his ex (it's in my first post) he was MAD AT ME for not telling him straightaway I couldn't at the time - it was too awful. He's ok now though - it cast the smallest of shadows on an otherwise perfect day. Love you all.