Opinions would be appreciated

Hello other ageless lovers. I would appreciate your opinions on my situation.

To begin with, the age gap (19 years) is probably the least of my concerns. I've maintained a 5 year relationship with a man from another country. Phone, chats, emails. Our dialogue just goes on and on, as it should with any couple. We've met one time in person (I visited him about 3 years ago) and we hit it off physically too. He has a history of some lies, but we feel that was something of the past.

We've had ups and downs, a few major break-ups and get back togethers. During one of the break ups I joined a dating site and developed an intense emotional & physical attraction to a man my own age who lives here in the US. Talk about a fire ball, this man has it going on, still it's just been a few phone calls, but lots of chatting and notes back and forth. I think about him a lot and still we IM sometimes. He has lots of girlfriends, not a potential husband, which is what I want. I want someone all the time, not breathing down my neck constantly mind you, but a companion instead of just a voice or typewritten words.

The younger man is so sweet, hard working, a good guy, and I do love him, though not in the frantic romantic way anymore. He's someone I'd like to wake up next to. I have some history of playing two men, and it didn't get me anywhere. We were planning to get married last month, then I could bring him here, but I backed out right before. I learned that I don't want to lose him. After lots of apologies, calls and forgiveness, we have set another wedding date for this coming month. I started missing him again and wanting the reality of having him as a husband. Five years are enough of the long distance thing, and I believe I will lose my internet type of addiction to the other man once I am married. In fact I think I was just using the older man as a way to avoid settling down, if that makes any sense. Absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder. It can be very stressful. I am also worried about being able to bring him here as my husband, but will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Thanks for letting me express myself here on your forum, and if anyone has some insight or questions, please post.

Exactly what type of insight are you looking for Cheerio? It sounds like you're on the right track to me!

The younger man is so sweet, hard working, a good guy, and I do love him, though not in the frantic romantic way anymore. He's someone I'd like to wake up next to. I have some history of playing two men, and it didn't get me anywhere. We were planning to get married last month in another country, then I could bring him here, but I backed out just two days before. I learned that I don't want to lose him. After lots of apologies, calls and forgiveness, we have set another wedding date for this coming month.(JAN) I started missing him again and wanting the reality of having him as a husband. Five years are enough of the long distance thing, and I believe I will lose my internet type of addiction to the other man once I am married. In fact I think I was just using the older man as a way to avoid settling down, if that makes any sense. Absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder. It can be very stressful. I am also worried about being able to bring him here as my husband, but will cross that bridge when I come to it.



This is interesting considering my mother and I were just talking about this very subject not more than an hour ago. I truly believe that a person should never enter another relationship with the hopes of getting over someone else. It isn't fair to either party and will only cause pain further into the relationship.

In order to have a whole, rewarding relationship there cannot be another person in your heart. Unless a person works out those unresolved feelings for the other person then at any time that person could resurface in your life and if your marriage is not what you 'dreamed' it would be, it leaves you open and vulnerable for an affair. I say this because without dealing with those unresolved feelings you get this fairytale picture of this other person and they in a sense become your saviour or the one that 'would have never treated me like this'.

I really think it's unfair to enter a relationship as serious as marriage when your heart is not certain and you are not over this other man. Using the marriage as an excuse to get over this other man is not fair to you, him or the man you hope to marry.

I'm not jumping you or trying to make you feel badly, it's just an issue that has been revealed to me in the last few years and I thought this revelation may be of help to you. I highly suggest you make sure your feelings for this American man are resolved before marrying your YM. You need to really consider what you would do married and comfortable, not exciting mind you, but comfortable and this other man came back into your life. Could you resist him and that attraction?

Thanks, Molly. I feel very comfortable most of the time with thinking about the future with my younger man right here with me, facing everyday life.

And thank you too, Sdoah72. It is cool you have such a close relationship with your mom. I am just unclear about how to work out my obsessing about the other man. Should I erase him from all my messengers and never IM him again? Should I meet him in person? That could definitely make things worse for the man I truly care about, but I'm here to listen to opinions.

Wait a minute...you're planning to marry someone next month who you've seen in person once, 3 years ago? And he's from another country, with what that can imply about marrying into the US?

Ummm...did I read that right? If so, I think this move sounds unwise.

Just speaking honestly here, if YM has a history of lying, and the "relationship" has been full of breakups and makeups, AND...you have a pattern of playing two guys at once, and you think getting married will somehow change your way of thinking, and you want to marry because "5 years is enough" of long-distance?

Look....I'm sorry, but what your post implies to me is that there is a level of awareness you'll need to get to before snarling yourself up with others...your psychology around relationships is running like a train without a conductor. That's the way it is for all of us until we take control of that by learning about it. Deciding to marry someone in the situation you describe, someone you yourself also say you've declined in romantic feelings for...what is it you think you'll get out of it?

A person in the state it appears you are in needs to get REALLY CLEAR about herself and who she is before setting off to partner with anyone seriously. I suggest doing some inner work while you are still free to totally focus on yourself. I did that before getting with my wonderful man, lots of us here have done it, it's highly recommended.

Best wishes.

Thanks Goldie Cat. I hear you on being the conductor, on working on the inner self, and I will attempt to do that, get some clarity with where I am going. I do believe in guidance from God too, so I need some serious searching in that department too. (spiritual) Thanks again.

You sound completely confused about your situation, your place in life, your emotions, etc. You don't have a solid relationship with either one of these men, and your feelings for both are muddled. Even five years of "dating" via the internet is not REAL LIFE. Meeting someone ONE time doesn't constitute grounds for marriage. I mean, you can do it, but the odds of it being successful are slim to none, especially given the history of break ups and make ups. This is not fair to the guy overseas, but if you want to continue living in chaos, go right ahead. If you weren't sure a month ago and backed out, and you're not sure now, TRUST YOUR FEELINGS.....i.e.: you're not sure.

I agree that you need some down time, maybe with the help of a counselor to sort your life out and get on track with what is really driving you in these less-than-optimal relationships.

Yes, Goldie is right, I believe.

He has a history of some lies, but we feel that was something of the past.
The fact is, that you two have not been together in person to see if this is true or not. If you have caught him in lies during the long distance part of the relationship, you really really need to DATE HIM before moving in together or getting married.

The doing the '2 relationships with guys at one time', tells me that you don't want or trust a monogamous relationship. Otherwise you would get rid of the "break this glass in case of failure" guy.

I say get thee to therapy... I bet you will learn a lot about yourself and be better able to decide what to do. Good luck! :)

Hello other ageless lovers. I would appreciate your opinions on my situation.

To begin with, the age gap (19 years) is probably the least of my concerns. I've maintained a 5 year relationship with a man from another country. Phone, chats, emails. Our dialogue just goes on and on, as it should with any couple. We've met one time in person (I visited him about 3 years ago) and we hit it off physically too. He has a history of some lies, but we feel that was something of the past.

We've had ups and downs, a few major break-ups and get back togethers. During one of the break ups I joined a dating site and developed an intense emotional & physical attraction to a man my own age who lives here in the US. Talk about a fire ball, this man has it going on, still it's just been a few phone calls, but lots of chatting and notes back and forth. I think about him a lot and still we IM sometimes. He has lots of girlfriends, not a potential husband, which is what I want. I want someone all the time, not breathing down my neck constantly mind you, but a companion instead of just a voice or typewritten words.

The younger man is so sweet, hard working, a good guy, and I do love him, though not in the frantic romantic way anymore. He's someone I'd like to wake up next to. I have some history of playing two men, and it didn't get me anywhere. We were planning to get married last month, then I could bring him here, but I backed out right before. I learned that I don't want to lose him. After lots of apologies, calls and forgiveness, we have set another wedding date for this coming month. I started missing him again and wanting the reality of having him as a husband. Five years are enough of the long distance thing, and I believe I will lose my internet type of addiction to the other man once I am married. In fact I think I was just using the older man as a way to avoid settling down, if that makes any sense. Absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder. It can be very stressful. I am also worried about being able to bring him here as my husband, but will cross that bridge when I come to it.

Thanks for letting me express myself here on your forum, and if anyone has some insight or questions, please post.


Internet love lacks all of the real day to day experiences that you share with a mate: figuring out bills, dividing chores, even going out on dates. I don't see anything wrong with Internet romance, as long as you don't take it seriously when you discover, as many do, that it just does not translate to real life, and face to face. I believe that many women choose this as a safe alternative to in real life scenarios.

My take on what you have said is to date someone nearer to home with whom you can have real experiences on a day to day basis.

Ali

Thanks to both of you, Yellow Rose and Legally blonde. I'm taking notes.
:)

Thanks to both of you, Yellow Rose and Legally blonde. I'm taking notes.
:)

Me too...
:D :)

If you marry him this fast, after a long distance relationship and with that age gap, I wish you a barrel of luck with INS. Rest assured you will need it. A marriage fraud investigation is loads of fun. Just ask my DH who went through that with his ex-wife who was 10 years older than him and they met and dated online. INS may well not buy it even if it is real.

Date. Really.

Thanks BeauSoleil,
That sounds like a long drawn out ordeal. I wasn't not fully aware of all the legal hassles with the INS. Good to know.

Hi again, I carefully considered the full consequences of getting married and came to the conclusion that I'd feel tied down. I have broken off the engagement, because it's not fair to either one of us to plan a future when one of us isn't completely committed. And it wasn't fair to keep going back and forth with promises, broken promises, promises broken promises, in a circle. (from both of us) Lots of emotional and financial investment in ticket buying and hotel arrangements. (all paid for by me by the way) But money wasn't it. And to base a marriage on someone I'd only spent a little time with, was the biggest error.

The main wrong thing I did was to keep the exfiance on hold till I met the other man in person, but that is what I did. We hit it off and we want to continue our closeness for a long time. Friendship is all I am going for now, but it is the kind of friendship I wouldn't want to have with more than one man. :D We will continue talking, chatting & meeting when we can. I like "having" a main man in my life but not being totally tied down.

Meanwhile, after the new year, I will scout around for some therapy. Thanks to all of you.

But money wasn't it. And to base a marriage on someone I'd only spent a little time with, was the biggest error.

Although I completely and totally agree with this statement... I want you to know that it is possible to sponsor a fiance from another country with a K-1 visa *even* if you have an age-gap and he's younger than you... *even* if he's significantly younger than you. There are several of us here that have done it successfully and are now very happily married. In my case, we were able to be together frequently. I am 17 years his senior and he was only 19 at the time. If we can go through this process... I'm thinking that an agegap alone is not enough to trigger a marriage fraud investigation.

Hi Cheerio,

Thanks for the update, sounds like you are on the right path. I hope you find happiness!

Just on a side note for future reference, here is some information about immigration to the US in case you change your mind or meet someone else overseas on the future. (I assume you are American.)

If you want to marry a non-American it is NOT legal for them to come to the US to marry on a tourist visa. They need to come on a fiance visa which gives you 90 days to get married here. OR you can marry in their country and then go through the process of bringing them here on a CR-1 type visa. Depending on the country they are from, this can take from 3 months to 1 year or more to process. Fiance visas can also take some time to process - usually months. Also, you will need to provide a boat-load of documentation about your background, your ability to financially support the non-American, etc. Of course some people do take the risk and marry on a tourist visa and then change the status, but it can be very risky and can result in deportation.

More importantly, however, is that you have to convince the Department of Homeland Security (no longer INS) that you are marrying for love. This means you will both be interviewed about your relationship and you will be required to provide extensive documenation "proving" the relationship. In my husband and I's case, we had an entire backpack filled with plane tickets, photos, phone bills, emails, IM conversations, postcards, letters from friends, etc. that we had to show the interviewer and they looked at ALL of it. If they are not convinced that you are truly in love and have spent enough time together for it to seem reasonable to marry, they will deny the visa.

Assuming things go as smoothly as possible, the immigration process is incredibly stressful and very expensive ($thousands) for a couple. On one hand it can bring you together, but many relationships crack under the stress. Just something to think about.

Good luck to you!

More importantly, however, is that you have to convince the Department of Homeland Security (no longer INS) that you are marrying for love. This means you will both be interviewed about your relationship and you will be required to provide extensive documenation "proving" the relationship. In my husband and I's case, we had an entire backpack filled with plane tickets, photos, phone bills, emails, IM conversations, postcards, letters from friends, etc. that we had to show the interviewer and they looked at ALL of it. If they are not convinced that you are truly in love and have spent enough time together for it to seem reasonable to marry, they will deny the visa.

Assuming things go as smoothly as possible, the immigration process is incredibly stressful and very expensive ($thousands) for a couple. On one hand it can bring you together, but many relationships crack under the stress. Just something to think about.

Good luck to you!

I couldn't agree more with you. This was our experience exactly!

Thanks Marcy :)

Just to respond to your earlier post... we asked our immigration attorney about if they would flag us due to our age difference (12 years). She didn't believe they would because it was France and we had plenty of evidence, but that for certain countries (mostly Arab) it can be a very big red flag. Just FYI.

I just have to say that I positively blush at the thoughts of INS reading our IM conversations though they would in fact 'prove' that our relationship is real. We are not currently discussing it seriously, but it has been discussed. Those IM conversations are so private and well......some of the are VERY sexually charged. *blushes more*

Out of curiosity, did you all have very intimate IM convos for evidence too?

I see red flags all over the place! You met this guy once and you are going to marry him? Plus he isn't even from the USA? Plus you have already had issues with him that include his lying. Plus you think that by doing this it will break your Internet addiction? Aye Carumba!

My advice is to break your Internet addiction FIRST by going out and meeting real (offline) men in your local area in person. There are almost 150 million men in the USA, surely at least one of them has to be attractive to you!

I think you have to work on understanding why the men you become interested in seem to always be so far away. It seems to me that it probably has to do with not really being able to get close to someone. And I think trying to fix that problem by getting married (and forcing the relationship) is likely to end with a very bad result.

Thanks Marcy :)

Just to respond to your earlier post... we asked our immigration attorney about if they would flag us due to our age difference (12 years). She didn't believe they would because it was France and we had plenty of evidence, but that for certain countries (mostly Arab) it can be a very big red flag. Just FYI.

Well you are probably right... but the truth is that anyone from certain areas of the world is scrutinized closely... even if there is no age gap. Devon is Canadian. I am 100% certain that this aided in not only an easier experience for us, but also a very quick one. From k-1 to greencard, it took slightly over 1 year. This is an incredibly fast timeline.

Well you are probably right... but the truth is that anyone from certain areas of the world is scrutinized closely... even if there is no age gap. Devon is Canadian. I am 100% certain that this aided in not only an easier experience for us, but also a very quick one. From k-1 to greencard, it took slightly over 1 year. This is an incredibly fast timeline.

Hi Marcy,
Oh definitely, hopeful immigrants from certain countries definitely get a rougher time than some other countries.

Our experience with France was pretty good, my DH had been refused entry to the US due to too frequent use of the visa waiver program, so our attorney advised us that the K-1 route would be risky. We got married in France instead and then applied for his CR-1 visa at the embassy in Paris. France is one of the few countries that allows direct consular filing (DCF) when the American does not reside in France, so we got VERY lucky that way. Compared to the standard process, it was much more expensive (I had to fly to Paris twice for processing, and once to Nice for the wedding) but from the time we applied to the time he got his visa & work permit was only 2.5 months. Of course, that seemed like an eternity to us newlyweds!

During our interviews and such the age difference never came up.

:) Meg