2006....any suggestions?

I don't know why I feel compelled to write this. I tend to hang myself out there, then agonize over what I think people are seeing. But I really do need some thoughts or suggestions. My story is briefly that I am 50 and my YM is 27; we live 1200 miles apart. I am in the process of divorce, having been separated since April. My relationship with this YM began 2 years ago in an online game. We met in person at the beginning of 2005 and became romantically involved after I moved out.

Why I left, the role the YM played in my decision making, the effect of my online behavior on my marriage have all been dissected to death. So please don't go there. What is clear is that this is a longterm relationship and in 2006, we are going to have to become more public about our relationship. I have an almost 24 year old son who I think will be blown away. I have a family who is going to vehemently object, no matter how happy he makes me or how nice a person her is, and he has a family that won't be thrilled either. So the questions are: How do you know when its the right time? How did you go about breaking the news? :confused:

I have been worrying about this because clearly the fact that I am not yet divorced and that my family doesn't know, has impacted on how we get to spend our holidays. We knew this Xmas would be rough and we have promised each other that next Xmas will be OURS! But it is clear that this relationship has to come out of the closet, so to speak, if we want to take it to higher levels.

I don't know why I feel compelled to write this. I tend to hang myself out there, then agonize over what I think people are seeing. But I really do need some thoughts or suggestions. My story is briefly that I am 50 and my YM is 27; we live 1200 miles apart. I am in the process of divorce, having been separated since April. My relationship with this YM began 2 years ago in an online game. We met in person at the beginning of 2005 and became romantically involved after I moved out.

Why I left, the role the YM played in my decision making, the effect of my online behavior on my marriage have all been dissected to death. So please don't go there. What is clear is that this is a longterm relationship and in 2006, we are going to have to become more public about our relationship. I have an almost 24 year old son who I think will be blown away. I have a family who is going to vehemently object, no matter how happy he makes me or how nice a person her is, and he has a family that won't be thrilled either. So the questions are: How do you know when its the right time? How did you go about breaking the news? :confused:

I have been worrying about this because clearly the fact that I am not yet divorced and that my family doesn't know, has impacted on how we get to spend our holidays. We knew this Xmas would be rough and we have promised each other that next Xmas will be OURS! But it is clear that this relationship has to come out of the closet, so to speak, if we want to take it to higher levels.

Hmmm...no suggestions Rozie...however, it would seem that online relationships sometimes do work out...contrary to popular belief...interesting huh? And best of luck to you btw! :D

.... I have an almost 24 year old son who I think will be blown away. I have a family who is going to vehemently object, no matter how happy he makes me or how nice a person her is, and he has a family that won't be thrilled either. So the questions are: How do you know when its the right time? How did you go about breaking the news? :confused: .....

Hi, Rozie....

I was living far away from my blood relatives when the issue of me marrying my OW needed to be addressed.

I simply sent my parents a photo email of her -- a very attractive one, I thought. I introduced them to the "newest Mrs. Harrison." That was how they first got the news and it was their responsibility to deal with it, whatever their opinion.

You might consider doing the same thing with your son and parents. If you do, I would get a professionally-done high quality photo of the both of you, sitting or standing next to one another, in the same fashion as man and wife.

To me, this "remote introduction" decreases the chances for awkward responses and/or unpleasant comments, assuming your relatives are those kind of folks. If they are those kind of folks, you may want to let as much time as possible (3 months or more) elapse between the time they first see the photo, and the time they shake hands with your mate.

How and when you organize a face-to-face meeting can be dealt with later.

Just my $.02 worth. Whatever your choice is, "GOOD LUCK!!" :)

That's interesting Harrison. As far as my son goes, he is the only person outside of my YM that truly "gets" what makes his mother tick. I think once the divorce is complete, I will mention that I am seeing someone. Until things are a little more concrete and until my YM and I can close this geographic gap, I think that's all he really needs to know. Once he meets him in person, he will figure out who he is and then we will get to see where her stands.

I am not sure that marriage is in the cards, although yesterday my YM asked me what name I was going to take once I divorced. I told him for professional reasons I would keep my present name. He suggested I take his name. :) Trying hard not to put the cart before the horse. By the time this happens Harrison, I can have you write the prenup agreement! ;)

I just wanted to say that I can completely sympathise, and to tell you what happened for us....

My gf's family weren't entirely happy about me. Well, her mum and sister were vocal about it not being right, her dad didn't really talk about it much, but wasn't best pleased when he did. Her two brothers I don't think really were bothered much! I didn't meet her parents, or her sister for about a year, although they always knew about us, even before we were actually 'romantically' together. For me, looking back, I think that was quite important, that they had a bit of time to get used to it before I met them. When I did eventually meet them this summer, things went well... I don't think they mind me personally, but they still don't think I'm a suitable bf, purely because I don't have a career and can't keep my gf financially secure. They also don't know what on earth we have in common, which is funny because when I heard that I wrote what amounted to an essay about what we DO have in common! Also, her sister still thinks that I'll meet someone younger one day. Actually, her husband is much older than her, almost as many years older as my gf is to me. Funny, her parents haven't had the same reservations about what THEY have in common! So, despite having met them and them having been nice enough to me and made me feel comfortable... they still don't completely accept the relationship. This can get a guy down a bit sometimes. :( But at least they are nice to me, and I guess we'll just have to prove them wrong!

As far as her daughter goes, she actually likes me. It's cute, when I talk to her on the phone (since the summer when I was over for a long while) she says she misses me. :) There was one time when we were out for something to eat and the waitress thought we were both my gf's kids. She just thought it was funny and din't seem bothered about it. Our age gap really doesn't seem to bother her at all.

My family... well, they've met her once last Christmas. I didn't even tell them she was coming over until a week or two before. They didn't, and still don't know her age. My sister does, but that's all. I'm just not close to my parents really, and so i don't feel comfortable talking to them about it really. BUT, I'm sure they know she is a fair bit older, and they like her. My mum actually met her again when she came over in May, and she was happy to see her and wanted to show her the plants and stuff in her garden. So no problems from my end!

Generally, the whole family issue has worked out better than we both hoped. No problems from my family at all, and her family are at least nice to me when we were owrried that they might not be. The most important thing is that her daughter is happy, if she hadn't been, then that could have been it. So, going on my experience, it might not be quite as bad as you are thinking. I'd just say give them time to work it through themselves before you introduce him. And your son... well, if he knows you better than anyone, then maybe he'll just be happy for you. Is there any reason why you think he might not be?

best of luck with it all anyway.

It seems obvious that your family sees your ym as some type of inteloper, and a cause of your breakup with your hubby. I wish you luck with it all.

Ali

It seems obvious that your family sees your ym as some type of inteloper, and a cause of your breakup with your hubby. I wish you luck with it all.

Ali

Eh? Where did you get the impression they even know about him? She said they're going to have to 'go public', which implies to me that they know sweet FA. In fact, it would sound like no-one knows anything about it at all.

Nope, unfortunately LB is right. I told them about this young man a year and a half ago when it was all quite innocent, and my father was livid with the idea that I would even have online friends. He wrote me a very condemning letter in which he spelled out what he thought of my character, the internet, this young man, etc. Since I left my husband my parents have not called me once in my new home. That was 8 months ago. You have to understand that this is a family that sent my son a Bible when he got into a little alcohol trouble in high school. They didn't call him to ask questions or try to understand his point of view or offer moral support. They sent a Bible and one of my dad's famous letters of condemnation and my dear son laid in bed at night and tried to read this thing for several weeks, before concluding that Grandpa was just "wacked".

A few ideas have emerged here and the first is that you make the family vaguely aware loooong before you actually attempt a face to face meeting: a remote meeting. The second is that you don't have to lay out all the details.

I would like to hear more about what others have done in situations where one doesn't expect the family to be approving. And also how long after a divorce or separation is it acceptable to announce that you are seeing someone?

why does the focus have to be on the age gap? Why don't you begin talking about your YM in other terms that have nothing to do with his age? If you had a same age bf, the focus wouldn't be on his age would it? Why treat this relationship any differently? Talk about what he does for a living, what his interests and hobbies are, what the two of you have in common. Don't even mention his age. I'm assuming that you didn't fall in love with him BECAUSE of his age, but rather IN SPITE of it because you found other things about him endearing. Let your family get to know the things that you love about him. If someone does mention the age gap when they finally meet him, just act like it never even occurred to you that it would be a problem since he makes you so happy and the two of you have so much in common.

Do you want a relationship with your parents? If so, then start contacting them now without mentioning the YM. If they mention it, just tell them it is better to leave that subject alone for the present.

How is your relationship with your son? Do you two do things together? I don't see any reason to say anything to him until your YM is coming to where you live.

My thoughts are, to make the relationships as good and healthy first, and then when you are certain that you and the YM are going to be together, let them know your plans. Good luck, I know it isn't easy. :)

Star, in general I think that is excellent advice. I think Yellowrose and Cherubino are correct in reminding me that it isn't quite time yet to say much of anything. Saying much more at this point will only worsen what is already a strained situation, at least with my parents.

Yellowrose, I do try to keep up a relationship with them. Any contact we have had, has been because I have called them. My son and I talk on the phone regularly and try to get together about once a week, maybe a little less. He is still struggling with this whole notion that his parents are divorcing. He is trying to figure it out and looking for some concrete explanation. An interloper would make things so easy.

I just wish that when people ask me where I am going, or what I am doing for some Holiday, I could say, "Going to Florida" without it triggering another Inquisition. I wish my son could come into my home, without me having to worry about trinketts from my YM lying around. Without having to worry about him seeing a Visitor Guide, etc. "Gee Mom, when did YOU go to the Miami Metro Zoo?" I am to the point where I almost no longer care if he rolls his eyes and thinks "Oh, you were with THAT GUY!"

Wow...powerful stuff, but I do agree with Cher and others....you guys need to take it one step at a time. I know you wondering the impact that it will have on your family once this does pan out, but the bottom line is that your a grown woman that can do as she please. Your son might not like...he may surprise you and not really think too much of it, but either way it goes he is not the one in the relationship and he may not have to like it, but as an adult he should respect you and your decisions. I used to hide my old relationship, but I finally got the nerve to stand up to my family to deal with it and if they didn't have nothing nice to say then don't say nothing at all.

Nu :)

You say casually, once in a while in conversation, "my friend X thinks" or you say, you're going to Florida to visit my friend X. Or, "my friend X will be here to visit next month, I'd really like it if you'd like to meet him."

You treat things as matter of factly as possible. If you act like there's something to be ashamed of, others will pick up on it and pounce. Even if you are squirming inside, you act blank on the outside. Let him be an establised fact in your life before bringing him into their lives as a new relationship. No law says you have to describe every detail of any friend you make at this point of your life. Some things are just nobody else's business. The age doesn't even need to be mentioned.

If it comes down to brass tacks, you just calmly state that he is now part of your life, and you intend that to stay a fact, therefore any part of your life that doesn't include him, will have to change. I missed exactly two family gatherings where David wasn't made to feel welcome before that changed. My dad was the worst. He finally decided in his mind that I'd always been a rebel anyway, and this was just another form of rebellion. Ok.... I have a huge, pretty close, family, and he's just been kind of sucked in as part of it by now. As my sister told me a couple of years ago, she was just upset, because she hoped this time I'd find someone who would take care of me, instead of needing taken care of. And now she sees that I have. Actually, we take care of each other.

After five years now, nobody thinks anything of it. New people still do that double take, but again, only the rudest make any comments when I introduce him very matter of factly. And a blank look and no response stops even the rudest comments, usually.

I've never met his parents in person, we've talked on the phone, they've seen pictures. They are odd, haven't been more than 20 miles away from home in 30 years, and won't come here. When he goes to see them, it costs a lot in airfare, so he goes alone. They only talk about every 6 weeks or so, and only at my urging. They're strange people, but I keep telling him they're the only parents he has, and he'll regret it at the end if there's a total loss of connection. There wasn't much connection there when he was a child even, so it's not something new. And they're really the only family he has left.

BTW, we're 28 years apart, so even farther apart then you. Also met online, and were friends before my divorce, although the separation process had started before hand. Hang in there.

Thanks NuGyrl and Bella. Bella, your situation sounds very familiar and I like that approach. I guess at this point we continue to keep things low key, try to spend as much time as we can together and when folks get nosy, keep the answers short and sweet.

Because the divorce is something that your son is still processing, I think giving him time to get used to the idea is wise. The 'matter of fact' attitude, with 'we are just close friends right now' will give your son the time he needs to adjust. By the time the YM is ready to move to where you are at, your son will probably be much more receptive. So I suggest holding off on talking about the future & your YM until the date & place are realities, with tickets and luggage. :)

I would not try to hid the fact that you two are in each others lives, but I would not go on and on about him either. When you need to talk about how wonderful the YM is, just come here and post to your heart's desire! ;)

Thanks Yellowrose. Perhaps that is all I am really looking for right now; a place where I can say "Hey, this is for real!" ;)

Well, the problem has been sorted out in my mind. I called my son last night to find out just what he had decided about Christmas. Mind you I cut a visit with my BF short so I could be home on Xmas Eve and Xmas Day. I was very clear with him that I wanted to see him on one of those days. I was also very clear that I would not be offended if he chose to be in what was his childhood home with his dad on Xmas morning, realizing of course that this is going to be a difficult Xmas for all. I actually have a place to be that morning if I wish. My best friend is Moslem and she usually hosts a little brunch for non-Christians and people who are not able to be with family on Xmas Day. Gave him an out; tried to make it as comfortable as possible.

So....this is what he said. He is going to spend Xmas with his dad. No big surprize. And he has a friend visiting from Seattle tonight (guy is a high school bud who was the guitarist in his first band.) He apologized but said that tonight is really the only night he will get to see the friend, so he wanted to know what I was doing Monday. Had I been quick I would have said "Looking for property in Florida."

My BF sums it up neatly. My son just isn't as mature as I would like to think. A mature adult would not even question the obligation to parents and family on Xmas; its a given no matter how strained the relationship. My son has also opened the door for us to proceed with our comittment to one another. My BF feels I have extended myself most reasonably, so that my relationship with my son can continue positively. He feels my son, with this action, thoughtlessly snubbed me, so screw him. Next year Xmas will be ours. He wants me to focus on that and not worry about what to say, because now it doesn't really matter. :(

your son is saying "my peers are more important to me than family obligations," by his actions, so i think your b/f is correct in saying that he clearly is not putting you first, when you put HIM first. (obviously i'm just affirming what you said...) but i do think that puts the door open for you to not feel the same obligation in return next year. my daughter would never even consider not spending xmas eve with me. she is 26. my YM would not consider not spending xmas with his family out of state. that's just the way it is.

your son may be going thru a difficult time and he may be angry with you and this is his passive-aggressive way of showing it. or, it may just not be that important to him. either way, you've been shown the way to go in terms of your own life.

Thanks Kat. I thought our reasoning was sound, but just needed to bounce it off of someone. I am sitting here struggling with what I am going to say when he calls me at the last minute to drop in at his convenience. BF says I should ask him what is really important in his life. BF is also restraining himself from picking up the phone and calling my son. Figures it will only make it worse, but he has a strong urge to set these two men straight (son and ex) about what they allowed to slip through their fingers. Honestly at this minute I feel like Xmas has come and gone and I don't think I'm up to a get together with my son now, or Monday or anytime this week.

YM doesn't need to be your savior, although 'tis noble of him to feel that way. rozie, it just is what it is...and your son has disappointed you. conversely, i'm sure he feels you have disappointed him by divorcing his father. there are lots of mixed emotions this time of year, even in good times.

this too shall pass. chalk it up to a crappy xmas, and look forward to better times.

Yep, yep, yep. Crappy Christmas, but strangely enough, still better than the last! :)

Rozie - I also hooked up with a YM during a seperation/divorce. I also have adult children (19 and 22). My parents were "aware" of my YM and subsequently blamed him and me for my divorce. To this day they have not asked why I got a divorce. That was over a year and a half ago. My mother, sister, and son are still hyper-angry. Anyway, what I have come to realize is:
1) I am an adult - not a child that must seek permission from my parents to cross the street.
2) I would no more get involved (judgemental) about my sister's or my son's life (unless it was a life-threatening venture).
3) I could get hit by a meteor tomorrow and then how would they feel (just kidding).
4) It is ultimately my life, my responsibility and my choice. The rest of the world can just get over themselves.
I am having a grand time with life (now) and that is what matters. Enjoy yourself as best you can this holiday.

Thanks for the replies Lunja and Cherubino. I was so bummed about this whole thing I couldn't even reply. As I expected, my son called late in the afternoon on Xmas Eve. Told me he was coming over. Said he needed to pick up a few things for our dinner on the way and arrived 3 hours after he said he would. :( The time together was so so. His gift was thoughtful, food was good and so was his company, but never-the-less the evening felt a little tarnished. He left after 2 hours to meet his buddy.

I spent Christmas with dear friends and had a wonderful time! Got home after 5 pm....not a call from anyone in my family on the caller ID. So, I called them. My mother said they were worried about my being alone on Christmas, to which I replied "So what's new? I've been pretty much alone as far as family is concerned since I moved out." Not once during the conversation did either parent ask about their grandson, but my mother did manage to get in that she thought my ex was a nice person. I have to sort of laugh, because in 20 plus years of marriage they never had a conversation with him. I think my parents chose to see what they wanted to see, and unless I arrived at their home bleeding or covered with bruises, he was destined to be seen as a nice person. Conversely, they think they were great parents, despite the fact that their eldest son comitted suicide as a teenager, after a childhood of physical abuse.

Called one of my sisters; had a lovely conversation. Called the other who said she was on her way out to dinner and would call me back when she got home and never did. Ho Ho HO!!

Anyway, I think its about time to close this thread, as its original intention has sort of been lost. I think it has served to help me sort some things out and clearly my priorities need to lie elsewhere; theirs do. :(

After reading more of your situation with this YM I've decided that my call on this would be to stay as quiet as a mouse about him with my family. There are too many raw feelings over the divorce, and no matter that MSNBC now says that fully 1/3 of older women are in relationships with men ten years younger, or more being in a non traditional relationship might trigger their warning bells. They could use it to discredit you in the family, or devalue you in some way. I would not put a new relationship under that kind of strain.

And once again, I hear you saying you feel that this will be "the one" and you know, I can't say that he won't be, but from what I've seen on Ageless, the odds are against it. So, suppose you make a big fight with your family about this, and he breaks up with you? You would have begun a family quarrel for what is actually a non issue. I think it's better to wait until and if he's popped the question and you have had consistent face time.

Ali

I am sorry that things did not go so great with your son. I just want to encourage you though, to give him some time.

I have found that sons have a particular difficult time, when it is the Mom that initiates the divorce, accepting the situation. It seems like, since Mom is rejecting their Father, they carry it on in their thinking, that 'Mom may reject me (also a male)'. So they distance themselves from Mom or they give her a really hard time. :(

Of course, don't let him abuse you, but expect him and allow him to have his feelings about the whole deal would be my suggestion. If it were me, I would ask AND listen to him about how he feels. Then just acknowledge it, and say you understand.

I would not get into any explanation or defending yourself. After he has more time to process it... maybe 6 months to 2 years, THEN I would explain why you did what you did, if that is what you want to do.

Just don't take his rebuff personally... although I know that is hard not to. Take care... :)

Both of you give excellent advice and for now just going to proceed quietly. :)

Back to the original topic of this thread: ask 25 of us the same question and you'll get 50 different answers (or more). I'll share my experience with you.

I have five children. Tim was 21 and I was 37 when we met. Just after his 22nd birthday, we became an internet couple.

About six months into our romance (2 years after I'd left my exhusband), I began introducing him into my kids' lives, albeit online. My teenagers thought it was incredibly weird that I was getting to be such good friends with someone so close to my eldest son's age but they adjusted. Several more months went by before I introduced them face to face. When my kids first met him in person, the teens were horrified that I could be so incredibly stupid as to invest my heart in a relationship that was doomed to failure. They sneered at me, packed their things and said they were moving in with dad until I came to my senses. I felt like I should be wearing a great, big scarlet A for "Age Gap" on my shirts!

Thankfully, Tim & I had talked this over (and over and over). We decided the ONLY thing that would sway people's opinions would be the test of time and we committed ourselves to persevering together.

As for getting married, we caught flack for it, but we eloped. We knew we were going to Vegas and that we wanted to get married at a chapel that did a live video stream but, other than that, we had no idea what we were doing. On December 19, we got in line with about 100 other Vegas brides & grooms to be (old, young, in t-shirts, in maternity clothes... you name it!) to purchase our marriage license, and on December 20, 2005, we got married while many of our internet friends from around the world watched. All in all, we had over 200 "virtual" guests -- they jammed the video stream.

People are going to say what they're going to say and there's not a thing you can do about it. The best advice I can give you is for you and your YM to strap yourselves in for the ride of your lives. As long as you decide to do it together, it'll be a blast.

p.s. as for your parents, well whadderyagonnado? *shrug* they are who they are and you make your choices to interact with them (or not) based on how much of their stuff you can handle. I distanced myself from my parents - particularly my mother - several years ago and it makes me sad that we don't have a closer relationship but I believe it's been the healthiest emotional choice for my family.

God Bless Ya MrsHedgeHog!! I chuckled when I read your story and man did I ever need that! And yet I have no question that when you went through it all, it was every bit as painful as what I experienced this weekend. What I like though is that perspective that you can get past all that crap. I think we are strapped in for a wild ride, and like I said in an earlier post, despite my disappointment, this was still a better Christmas than last because I had the best three days possible with my YM the week before.

Just wanted to post what I thought was a sweet ending to this story. My YM and I agreed that no matter where we were at midnight last night, we would slip away to say Happy New Year and tell each other we loved each other. I returned home from a party a little early so I could talk freely. He was at his mom's where he couldn't talk freely. I called right at midnight and he didn't answer. About ten minutes later he called....had his 14 month old nephew in his arms. He couldn't figure out how to get out of the house, so he offered to take his very tired and fussy nephew for a walk! Lol.....he put the phone up to his mouth and told him to talk to his "Aunt Rozie"...lol. So I talked to the little guy. BF says he got real quiet and his eyes got big, but it wasn't until he pulled the phone away, that the little guy pulled out his pacifier and started jabbering like mad! Anyway, someone in his family finally knows about us!! And, apparently he approved!! :D