19 year old needing advice

Ok i have no clue what to do. Im 19 years old and dating a 34 year old women. Everyone would think its a "sleeping buddy" kind of thing but its totally opposite.. which is crazy. It was suppose to start off that way, until feelings got involved. The feelings we have towards each other is extremely strong. Its incredible. We have been together for about 9 months now. I love her! Everything has been great except these last few months been rough because shes always saying "we have no future", maybe we should not say we love each other" because its gonna hurt more (to get over it) etc.. things like that .all to the fact that we cannot have a future.. she has 4 kids...thats the downside.. she cannot have anymore kids. Thats where most of our arguemnts come it all comes down to the fact that "we have no future" and i keep telling her im not giving up on her.. im not gonna let her go. i love her to death. I want a future. Not sure what to do. I just dont understand, if she loves me , and i love her.. why cant we just take it as far as it can go? She says she doesnt wanna keep me from meeting the "right" person. I understand guys, if we know all this.. why we still together?? i guess love. She is a person that would never cheat.. very faithful, nice and very unselfish.... she is the most unselfish person i know. always wanting to do the right thing for her kids.. just about everything. i just dont know what to do.. im lost...
Will post more if yall respond and intersted.. Lots of details.. and it was today when i surfed the internet about advice and found this site..This sorta makes my day.. heh..

why cant we just take it as far as it can go?

You can take it as far as it can go Falls...but you have to understand that you are only 19, and you have a truck-load of life experience ahead of you....

....I know that sounds a bit negative, but I am just seeing things from HER point of view, and while yes, she really does feel for you, there is a chance that you will eventually piff off to other pastures unfortunately...

....The plus side of all this is that she already has children, so therefore that is not a pressure for you....

....But you may want to have children of your own some day....Im not sure why she 'can't' have more children at 34....but she probably doesn't want to...LoL... four sounds like a handful.....

...but you never know in years to come if you are still together.....

What does SHE want out of this....possibly a life partner, at this stage in the scheme of things....can you offer her that???...Do you even know???....Of course not!!!......who really does? ....

......Im going to go with what I have quoted you....

...Just see what happens, and take it from there......Not much else you CAN do really.....just be brave, and enjoy what you have together.....:)

hmmm ok im going to put my two cent worth in here,god im going to say all those cliches i hated so much.
when i was 19 i fell pregnant to a older man who apprently had age issues although he eventually traded me in for a younger model.
is she your first love?i guess i felt that way about my ex you know like why cant we forget the world and work it out but really it aint that easy all the time
maybe she is worried what people think?
she must really love you for what she is doing although it prolly dont make sense to you now?
what if you wake up in ten or twenty years and turn to her and think damn i sacrificed having children for you?thats a heavy burden for her to carry if you know what i mean
i truly believe that you love her as you should never doubt that but maybe its something you should cut off and remember her fondly as this wonderful woman who taught you to love and you can treat other women with that same respect or maybe she is looking for reassurance,im not too sure about her but im 27 and he is 19 and ive already been getting stupid comments there is only so much ppl can take i guess,sorry if i have confused the matter anymore but if you can take anything out of this then its been worth it.take care of yourself firstly and good luck

My bf is 19, me 33. We have been living together for over a year now.

We are very much in love and yes, it took some time for me to let go of a few doubts of my own. I think it is best just to see how things go. If you love her, and you are not being hurt in this situation, just relax a bit and let things happen. It sounds like she may need to a bit of "relaxing" herself. :)

Yep, LemonLime. I just turned 34 (two kids from previous marriages) and my YM, Litical is 20 now. We've been together for creeping up on 2 years, living together since June, 04 and very, very much in love and making a go of it.

My heartfelt suggestion would be to recommend this site to your girlfriend! Especially if she is the one having the major doubts. She can come here, read through threads and get some knowledge from people who have been where both of you are presently and that might help her make the leap of faith?

There ARE special concerns and issues, as Justmyself brough up, regarding your being a VYM (very young man), some of which I know from being a member here for 1.5 years can be very much reality ~ concerns can surely be justified ~ but not ALWAYS. Everybody is different. You might well be the kind of YM who is ready to settle down and be a step-dad and that you might be perfectly happy if THOSE are your life experiences and memories from this age. Not everyone has to go out and party :rolleyes: and not everyone feels the need to do that later in life as if they missed out on anything.

I don't know you, but I can hear in your words your love and dedication to this woman and your desire for her to believe you and have faith in YOU. But, the queston is, are you sure... 100% sure of yourself? That you won't want the things your peers want 2... 3... 4 years down the line? If you're not... if you even have a shadow of a doubt that you will be there for her in 5 years or there for her KIDS (because they are a HUGE part of the whole package there) or even if you doubt whether or not you can accept that she cannot have children (do you want your own, or can you be 100% happy raising hers as yours?) then her concerns could very well be completely valid.

Litical (my YM) didn't give up on me through the doubting phase... he was solid as a rock and determined to convince me and since convincing me he has proven for 1.5 years that he IS dedicated and in love with me and willing to stick it out through some really LAME crap. People will give you beef. Society will frown on you both. Her kids could be teased because of your relationship. There are a LOT of obstacles. Do you have the determination to face them all down, including HER fears over aging, losing you to younger women, etc., etc.?

These are all questions only you can answer. But, I wish you luck and courage and strength and determination and allllll that.
~phos

I am a little confused. Are you telling her that you do not want/need to have kids of your own? Is that where the problem is coming from?

Or are you telling her that having your own children is undecided?

Thanx for you guys replies..its a little comforating knowing that im the only one. It just gets depressing every once in a while because some days she'll tell me.. or slip up telling me she loves me and then days where she wont. and its crazy because i tell her, "u act like u dont give a care in the world" and her response is because of her age and how she can deal with things better. Theres just so many barriars in our relationship. like "walls".. cant say this.. cant do that..because we "dont have a future" and eventaully.. that breaks me and makes me want to quit.although ithe first 3-5 months.. she acted like we had a future no barriars .. we'd tell each other we love one another.i just wanted to be like before.....but like ive said b4..i cant.give up and i wont..this is just so crazy...because we work together...makes it difficult. Also with her working schedule plus 4 kids makes it difficult to spend time...it was weird because the first 3-5 months we were together, we use to spend a lot of time together..we still spend time just not as much.... although its a good bit. id ask why arent we spending time and shes saying she doesnt have time...ok...i totally understand that but... u sure made time the first 3-5 months??? i dunno..i think im just crazy..the situation is crazy itself.. but i love her... HELP!

Hello???? :confused:

yellow rose, im willing to sacrfice not having kids, but she "sees" me having kids and being happy with the "right one". as she says "we have no future" which part of it as being we cant have kids, the other part is that she doesnt think its plausable to the public. u know what i mean?? i tell her if we make each other happy.. then it really shouldnt matter. to complicate things worse the 2 youngest ones daddy is an addict.....i dont want yall to judge her as a person when i say the her ex (not married) is an addict. she is a wonderful person. not on drugs. she just feels like she has to help people as in "do the right thing" ok.. heres the problem im facing now. first off, reason why they broke up was because he kept on leaving her and come back.. leaving her.. etc.. etc.. in a period time of 5 years..she finally got tired of it and broke it off. im supposing since its near xmas..hes getting cold and the place hes at has no place for him..and hes calling her to get him so he can get in a "rehab" cause he needs help.. ok..hes a grown *** man (30 years) he should check in a rehab himself....but the thing with my older female is that...she'll drive where he is at.. and let him stay .. which affects our time spending together because he'll be at the house..(he doesnt know) and she wont let him because hes "crazy" hes stayed b4 for a week and it was killing me..she swore up and down they didnt slept together and that she was gonna stay monogamous to me and stay loyal etc.. and its not about them hooking back together she says.. its about helping them. she says she just feels like its an obligation to help him because she doesnt want him to OD or die and she would feel responsible for not helping. she doesnt want the kids father to die.. the babies are ages 3 and 2. but from an 19 year old point of view.. i see what shes saying.. but i also feel like if he does get better, which chances are he doesnt..she will leave me.. but she says.. its not about them.. its about him getting help.. quote "i havent even thought about getting bakc with him.. i dont want to.. i dont want to live like how i did before with him". ok. so i understand taht.. but bottom line im thinking he can check himself in a rehab if he REALLY wants the help.. RIGHT OR WRONG PPL? now hes calling again and it feels like she has to go get him.. i dunno..she knows that too.. its just crazy cuz she says she has feelings for him like love him.. care but not romantically im guessing.. cuz shes not with him. someone plz give me some feedback... blah.. thanx

yellow rose, im willing to sacrfice not having kids, but she "sees" me having kids and being happy with the "right one". as she says "we have no future" which part of it as being we cant have kids, the other part is that she doesnt think its plausable to the public. u know what i mean?? i tell her if we make each other happy.. then it really shouldnt matter. to complicate things worse the 2 youngest ones daddy is an addict.....i dont want yall to judge her as a person when i say the her ex (not married) is an addict. she is a wonderful person. not on drugs. she just feels like she has to help people as in "do the right thing" ok.. heres the problem im facing now. first off, reason why they broke up was because he kept on leaving her and come back.. leaving her.. etc.. etc.. in a period time of 5 years..she finally got tired of it and broke it off. im supposing since its near xmas..hes getting cold and the place hes at has no place for him..and hes calling her to get him so he can get in a "rehab" cause he needs help.. ok..hes a grown *** man (30 years) he should check in a rehab himself....but the thing with my older female is that...she'll drive where he is at.. and let him stay .. which affects our time spending together because he'll be at the house..(he doesnt know) and she wont let him because hes "crazy" hes stayed b4 for a week and it was killing me..she swore up and down they didnt slept together and that she was gonna stay monogamous to me and stay loyal etc.. and its not about them hooking back together she says.. its about helping them. she says she just feels like its an obligation to help him because she doesnt want him to OD or die and she would feel responsible for not helping. she doesnt want the kids father to die.. the babies are ages 3 and 2. but from an 19 year old point of view.. i see what shes saying.. but i also feel like if he does get better, which chances are he doesnt..she will leave me.. but she says.. its not about them.. its about him getting help.. quote "i havent even thought about getting bakc with him.. i dont want to.. i dont want to live like how i did before with him". ok. so i understand taht.. but bottom line im thinking he can check himself in a rehab if he REALLY wants the help.. RIGHT OR WRONG PPL? now hes calling again and it feels like she has to go get him.. i dunno..she knows that too.. its just crazy cuz she says she has feelings for him like love him.. care but not romantically im guessing.. cuz shes not with him. someone plz give me some feedback... blah.. thanx


I think that is what you are truly saying. And let me tell you, if she's the type of person who has to have everyone's approval before or when she does something, she's out the door already. Don't hang around, waiting for the ax to fall. I don't mean to sound harsh...but this type of personality is not going to change for you and your romance with her. Also, her hubby is a druggie and they do some stupid things. That is a tough nail to deal with for anyone any age. AND she has had a continuing intimate relationship with him. Living together in the same house while divorced or separated is too close together for me. I think she's not over the ex....

Welcome to Ageless!

Ali

I think that is what you are truly saying. And let me tell you, if she's the type of person who has to have everyone's approval before or when she does something, she's out the door already.

She doesnt.. really.. shes still with me. Ive even told her to end it.. make up a lie....do something.. say u cheated on me.. i dont care.. just tell me something so i can move on .. she wont do it. cuz its "not the truth".... she does have feelings for him but not that way...i dunno im just stuck for now and by the way.. i cant get over her...

of course she wont let you go... who would?? she can "have you" but yet.. doesnt have to claim you... !!!! i know it hurts.. bad... and you think you cant get over her.. but you will. (if not now, later) there are too many signs to ignore!!! take it from somone who has been broken many times.

She sounds like an enabler. In other words, she is a rescuer. This is the father of two of her children; it may be a long time before she gives up on him. This has the potential to create many many problems between you should you stay. When you are young, falling in love has such intensity that we tend to not think rationally. We say things like, "If we're really in love, then nothing else should matter." But, that is youth and inexperience talking. There are lots of things that matter. After a while, the novelty and newness of the relationship are gone and you are left with reality, the business of living day in, day out, year in, year out. At 19, you would have to have a whole lot of maturity going for you to enable you to hang in there when the going gets tough, and it will. I note that you see giving up having children as a "sacrifice" that you would make for her. This means you really do want children! Your attitude that you are making a sacrifice for her is not a good foundation to start on. That "sacrifice" is not a little one. It's huge! And, it will become more of an issue as you get older. I'm sorry to say that I think you are the one who is going to hurt here. I have to agree with legallyblond, I don't think she's over the ex. She may not be sleeping with him, but she's not over him. You are going through a part of life that we all go through--falling in love deeply with someone where there is no future. It hurts and it hurts bad, but, it's part of experiencing life that we all talk about, and which leads, hopefully, to maturity which gives you the eyes to see the truth about a situation. My heart goes out to you. Take care.